Hi, I am new here. I'm really not sure where to start...I guess I’ll jump in with both feet and go from there. If I leave anything out or I confuse anyone, please let me know and I will try to clarify…

I’m 32 years old, my husband is 37. I met and fell in love with BH when I was 16 years old. We were engaged when I was 17, married at 18; had our first (special needs) daughter when I was 20 and our second daughter when I was 22. Never once in my life did I ever plan, think, or imagine that I would cheat on my husband, my best friend. I couldn’t stand people who had affairs! I feel like a first class (low class) hypocrite. There are days I still can’t believe that I cheated on him; it doesn’t feel real; it doesn’t feel like something I would do…but that is exactly what I did, I had an affair! I am not in denial about what I did, I KNOW that I cheated on my husband, I know what I did was horribly wrong. I will be sorry for the affairs every day for the rest of my life.

I also know that I love my husband with every fiber of my being; my heart and soul and I will do everything in my power to make my marriage work. That’s why I am here at MB. I need help so badly; I don’t want to lose him or my marriage. Unfortunately, I’m not sure my husband feels the same way; he can’t stand the sight of me some times. I don’t blame him because I feel the same way about myself. It all hurts so badly and so deeply. I can only imagine the pain I inflicted on him.

He told me that he still loves me. I believe him. He is so confused and mixed up that he doesn’t know what he should do about our marriage, our relationship, or even what to do for himself or his own sanity. He said he’d stay in the marriage if I wanted him to stay or if I wanted him to stay for our daughters’ sake, he would. As much as I love him, I can’t expect him to stay if those are the only reasons. I want him with me only if he wants to be with me. He doesn’t know.

Roughly 8 years ago, when I was a SAHM, my husband got laid off. It wasn’t the first time he had been laid off but it affected him deeply. He completely shut down physically and emotionally. He went into a depression, he denied it. I felt alone, unloved, undesirable; like the kids and I were excess baggage to him. I did try to talk to him but he didn’t understand why I would feel the way I did. I leaned on my best friend for help and support. It was during this time that I met her brother in law and got to know him. He seemed to be everything my husband wasn’t at the time, I had a strictly one sided EA (it was one sided because the OP wasn’t even aware of my feelings for him). I felt so guilty for caring for someone other than my husband, and I didn’t know how to tell him, one night while he was at work (he found work during this time frame), I packed up my daughters and I left. We saw each other 3 days after I had left. We talked, mostly about my feelings. I admitted that I left because I had feelings for someone else but I had never acted upon them. He said it was “an eye opener” for him; that he saw the errors he/we both made, etc. and he asked me to give him one more chance to make it work. If it didn’t work out, I was free to leave. Everything (seemed) ok for a few years, or so I thought. (He has since told me that for all these years he’s pushed everything down, pretended my first EA never happened; even though in the back of his mind always figured I was going to go eventually.)
We went online during this time. I got to know a local man; we talked off and on (only online) for the last 3 years or so. My husband didn’t know I chatted with this man even though there weren’t any emotions or feelings other than friendship involved – at least on my part. It was just nice to have “someone on the outside” to talk to, who didn’t judge me. I do know now that this is and was wrong.

My husband was laid off and started a job he had had in the past but he was again so unhappy there...back to the way he had been before. No emotions, not caring, etc. He looked for work elsewhere and found a job he enjoyed. This was approximately 2 years ago; though he seemed to enjoy the job he’s in, he still seemed emotionally distant; like he could care less - about mostly me. He just didn’t seem to notice anything or want anything. In this new job he made a good friend. This friend dropped in to visit him/us on numerous occasions. We didn’t particularly care for some of his traits or habits but we, our daughters included, all liked him and enjoyed having him around. My husband and I both knew his marriage and family life was rocky, at best. My husband and I were both there for him. I cared for him, I felt almost like I wanted to protect him. We were never alone with each other but we flirted, joked around, etc. with my husband there. My husband never said or did anything. He didn’t seem to notice.

On different occasions, I’d mention that I was going to take our daughters swimming or where ever and did he (my husband) want to join us…he more often than not, he said no; he wanted to stay home. If his friend was around, the friend would usually join the kids and me. My husband knew this but stayed home regardless.

I am not blaming my husband for what happened but I really did believe that it got to the point my husband could care less what I did, or who I did it with. I felt like he didn’t love or want me anymore; he was only going through the motions. The friend and I flirted and kidded around right in front of my husband; he never said anything to either of us about it or seemed to care one way or the other. Unfortunately, it didn’t take very long for the friend and me to make it into more than just a friendship and we started sneaking around.

I’ll be completely honest, I felt good when I was with the OM; I felt like he cared, he wanted to see me, be with me. We talked about anything and everything. I was so confused.

Around early September I told my husband I was moving out, that I had to try to figure out what was going on in my head (though I still adamantly denied any affair). My husband asked me to hold off leaving until after Christmas for the kid’s sake. In early September it was an EA but by mid to late September, it was an E and PA. Unfortunately the man my husband talked to about our marriage problems was the OM. It was/is such an awful situation.

I have no idea what I was thinking at the time, I won’t make excuses. I don’t know if I thought that since I had told my husband I was leaving that I figured I “excused” myself so I could go farther with the affair or what; that is most likely it I guess. I was going with what felt good at the time and not what was right. Also, the ‘online guy’ that I had talked to for the last few years was now also in the picture, sort of. I got completely ticked off at the OM one night that I hooked up with ‘online guy’ and had sex with him. So, I not only cheated on my husband, I also cheated on the OM (he doesn’t know about this to this day, my husband does). I was with ‘online guy’ twice. I do not have, nor had I, any emotional or physical attachment to this man - I feel awful about it but I completely used him.

The OM and I had an E and PA right through until mid December (by this time we were both saying that we loved each other). Around this time in December, his wife found a note from me; I hadn’t signed it so I’m not sure what exactly happened or what was said between the OM and his wife. All I do know was that the OM and I rarely spoke (only on the phone a couple of times) and we never met secretly again, though I had wanted to meet; I wanted to know what had happened between OM and his wife and what he wanted to do about us.

I moved out in late January. I told my husband I was moving out so I could try to straighten out my head, to figure out what I wanted in life. I was still confused about what to do about the affair, the OM, and/or my marriage. How could I tell my husband, the man I always thought of as my soul mate, that I cheated on him? I knew he was hurting and suspected an affair but I didn’t want to remove all doubt, confirm it, and break his heart. I had no idea what to do or say; I told my husband and family so many lies. I didn’t know who I was anymore.

On March 9th, my husband found letters I sent the OM through email. I told him more lies, that it was only an “email affair”, nothing sexual had happened, etc, etc…the truth is, now I get nauseous thinking about my own lies. My husband wouldn’t let it go and kept pushing me and pushing me to tell the truth until one day I did…I told him everything, about the OM and myself and even everything about ‘online guy’. There is nothing that I can think of that I did not tell my husband.

He asks me questions about everything and I am completely honest with him. I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore. Is this the right thing to do? He asks me about places OM and I have gone together, sexual positions/techniques, etc…I will not lie to him anymore. Even though I’m honest, when I answer his questions, it still hurts him and he wants to know why he wants to know these things when they make him feel worse…? (Is this normal?) I don’t know about this but if he wants to know, I will tell him.

I am sorry this is so long; I hope it makes some sort of sense. We just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. We are still awaiting a call back for counseling but what do we do in the meantime? My husband may write his story, I hope he does. I want to know how we can start building our marriage. We really, really need some help and suggestions.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Rachel AKA GerrysLuv (hopefully I'll still be his wife and love forever)

You're in the right place. This is the most active section of the web site, and there are some very smart and very caring folks here who can give you much much wiser responses than me.

However, I'll take a quick stab at it.

Complete honesty is the way to go. Your husband will keep asking questions. Keep giving him straight answers, without dodging or evasion.

Be prepared to be accountable for your time and whereabouts. You must earn your husband's trust again. There is a quick guide for FWW (formerly wayward wives) elsewhere on the site.

A big thing is to have no contact (NC) with either of the OM. No phone, no paper, no email, no face-to-face, no nothing, ever. Many will recommend some sort of formal NC letter.

The OMW should be told the whole, unvarnished truth.

Get a copy of Surviving An Affair.

Encourage your H to post here. I think there are some ground rules to prevent spouses from threadjacking each other, but I'm not sure.

Above all - keep reading and keep talking to your H. You are not the first, and you are not alone. Both you and your H will find support here.

Good luck!

I am a BW. I have really relied on this board over the last few months. You have come to the right place. There are many wise people here who have been through this and come out on the other side.

But I would like to say that you are doing the right thing by being honest. At this point, it might be hard for your BH to accept that everything you say is true. Keep answering his questions honestly and openly. Be an open book to him and completely transparent. All of this my FWH has done and it has helped me get to a better place.

Things might get harder before they get easier. It sounds like you really love your husband and that if you just stick with it, have no contact with either of the OM, and abide by the MB principles that things will work out eventually.

GerrysLuv,

You are definitely in the right place. I would strongly recommend that you buy a copy of Harley's book Surviving An Affair. Also read the articles on this site. I do hope your H comes here as well.

Now let me state the obvious. You have serious issues and they really are NOT about your H. You have had 3 affairs. Every time things are not going well you turn to another man and turn away from your H. You have shown little compassion for him or the state he has been in. Losing a job can and is very very traumatic especially for men.

I think your H withdrew from you after the first affair and did not stop what he probably saw because he felt you would leave him anyway. He was right, you have left him. Further, you also "cheated" on the OM although using that term seems a little sick doesn't it?

It is clear neither of you address the damage the first affair did to your marriage. It is very clear you and your H are going to need considerable counseling to get beyond these last two affairs.

Your H very likely needs anti-depressants and should seriously consider them for a bit. Further, I doubt he has much hope for this marriage. Now here is the part you may be surprised about. I suspect he has little hope for the marriage because HE feels he has failed as an H. You are focusing on your feelings right now and this is normal. But the real issue is going to come down to how your H feels about himself.

He is unlikely to believe that he can make you happy. He is unlikely to believe that you love him when you say it. He is unlikely to believe that he is safe in the marriage. He is unlikely to believe that you would stand by him when things get tough again and they will.

How can you change these things? Well, it won't happen over night, and it won't happen by not talking about these things. It will take time, as in years sort of time, to rebuild your marriage IF both of you decide to do this. I hope you do.

You are in fact doing the right thing by answering his questions, but you might want to preface your answers with the question of does he really want to know. If he seems at all hesitant ask him to think about it for a day or so, think about why he wants to know, how it will help him, and the fact that you cannot take back what you will tell him. Ask him to consider this and tell him you will tell him anything he wants to know even if he decides months from now. He has time, you will answer the questions.

Finally, while there is more to say, I would really like you to read the articles here on love busters. You have continually committed probably the most lethal of all love busters call the "disrespectful judgement", referred to here as the DJ.

You want an example? Here is one
You did NOT know how he felt. You did not know if he loved you or not. You assumed he did not love you and you acted on it by having an affair. There are plenty more DJ's in your post, but the point here is that you need to stop love busting your H and pay particular attention to DJ's. Acting on false assumptions will kill a marriage faster than anything.

So stop. When you are curious about howyour H feels about something...ask him. Tell him why you are asking him and ask him to answer whatever question to the best of his ability.

You will also find that the lies will be the hardest for him to get over, so be very very honest with him. Here this is called the "policy of radical honesty". This is not "brutal" honesty. You should be very honest with him, but do it with compassion. An example is what I mentioned about answering his questions.

So much more to say, but I hope this helps you get started here. Do the reading, talk with your H, and if he is at all inclined bring him here. THere is a lot to overcome, but it can be done. Just remember it will take LOTS of Time and Patience.

God Bless,

JL

I want to welcome you to MB and echo everything JL has said. He's the best around here and you'll learn a lot from him.

I would like to address something that I don't think you have yet, and that's the stress that comes from having a child with special needs. How old is your daughter, and if it's not too personal, what kinds of special needs does she have?

I ask because my son's disabilities were a factor in my break/crisis that led to my affair. I of course only hold myself responsible for the affair, there is nobody but myself to blame. However, there is something very unique about being the parent of a child with special needs... you feel very out-of-control and vulnerable, simply by being in that situation. And if your H is like my first H (my son's father), he was in a very deep denial about the level of disability, which left me feeling very alone in dealing with his special needs.

And, I will tell you that I have met a few other mother's who felt the same way.

Again, welcome... and yes, you are in the right place. Listen to the wise ones who've walked this road before you... there IS hope... and your H will needs loads and loads of time and patience... and yes, be honest... but also, look inside yourself to find the reasons you felt the need to look to another man for validation... because if you don't, the pattern will continue.

You sound like I did when I first arrived... my heart aches for you.

Welcome to MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will post more later when I have some time...

You can start by reading the links in my signature!

(((HUGS))) to you

Instead of asking why he wants to know all the facts and details, can I ask you why you don't want them known? Odds are, if you look inward, you'll realize you are trying to protect him but more importantly protect yourself.

As long as those events and actions are secret, and only known to you and the OM, then your husband is left on the outside. You might not like to do it, but it also makes you pay for your sin. You get to look at what this has done to your husband, this is important. He also needs to assimilate everything, and that takes time.

You speak so highly of your husband, calling him your soulmate and best friend, yet you have shown a pattern of leaving him for another man the moment he isn't there for you. Why do you think this is? The answer is inside you.

Rachel,

Welcome to these boards. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You’ve found the right place for help and advice and I hope your H will also start posting here.

Here is an additional link you and your H might find helpful (just click on the link):

What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

Here is another one specifically for FWS’s:

When "Sorry" is Not Enough

Yes, this is normal...for many BS’s including your H. Actually there are a common tendency among many (if not most) BS’s to know ALL details (including specific and finer details). BS’s differ in how much information they want to know about the A and it depends from person to person. As I’ve said, some BS’s like your H wants to know all and everything in the finest detail, and others just want to know the main details without any specifics. It’s up to the BS to decide how much information they can handle and how much information they need and the FWS must respect that. Therefore you must continue to answer your H’s questions honestly and openly.

Rachel, you want to know WHY your H wants to know all the details even while the information hurts him so much? Well, you will find the answer on this question in the following letter (it’s called Joseph’s letter):

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

GL73 aka Rachel

I am a BS and just want you to know you are welcome. I applaud your efforts to recover your marraige You already know of your husbands hurt and pain.

You have seen Suzet's response with Josephs letter. I cannot add anything to that.

I do have one comment to make though. The more transparent you become to you Husband, the more close and intimant you will become later through recovery. You must be open and honest and that is for you too. You will not be able to be "close" to him if there is a wall that only you see that is up between the 2 of you.

Be strong and prepare for a very tough road. For those that make it seems to be more than worth the effort. (no I / we RLD are not even close)

I will add you to my many names on my personal prayer list. God can do all things.


Sincerely,

WOL

Rachel,
As asid by fellow posters you are in the right place inded. There are a lot of posters that have gone through what you are going throuhg. Ask for help. POsters will come. It is great that you are seeking help. And I hope that the M can recover.

It seems that you have looked into some thigns about having an A. You have the acronyms down pat. But let me ask, How do you feel about the choices you made? Do you feel that you are still attracted to OM or are you at a point where you do not want to be with him anymore?

I wish you the best and hope you will continue in your desires to save your M and begin working toward recovery.

are the two of you still around?

Rachel,
I to was once in the place your in right now. I found I had to do a lot of sole searching in why I had an affair in the first place. It's amazing what I found out. Looking inside yourself will be the best place to start and really analyze yourself. I'm sure you will be amazed what you find. Talk to the little girl inside yourself and listen to what her fears are.
Don't be to hard on yourself. You have come to the right place for support and advice.
Good luck to you, don't give up!

Wish you were here.

LA