I have been with my fiance for almost 2.5 years now and love him dearly. A hidden problem I think we may have is being brought up differently in life. My Fiance came from a low income home, shopped at thrift stores, had reducded lunches in school, old cars, nothing new, handouts/hand-me-downs...etc (and please don't think i'm knocking him down for this,..I know we all have our times and i dont condemn the lifestyle he was brought up in)...I barely made middle class living, but my parents raised me to believe if you want something, you need to work for it,..if you don't have something, you need to save and try to attain what you want. You just don't settle...His father thinks i'm "high class" and "made of money" and it's so far from the truth, today my fiance says that I need to "lower my standards and have a PB&J sandwich for dinner" I didn't realize that they think i'm so stuck up and it kind of hurts. Does anyone have any suggestions so I can keep myself in check with this and not flip and and become more sad then what I already am?

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, Ale (pronounced like Ally, but easier to spell than Alecia);

Lots of words are abbreviated here...I mean no disrespect. Have you read the articles listed in the right hand box on your screen? About Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), the Love Bank? They are under his Basic Concepts and other places as well. His is Dr. Harley. Take some time to inform yourself on how a great relationship really is...you're facing a Love Buster, so it makes sense you would feel love withdrawals from being DJ'd by him and his family.

This isn't a class issue...it is permission to disrespect. It's a two-way street, though...because you are choosing to take their disrespect into yourself and feel sad...which is grieving. You are choosing to believe something that isn't true...contains rejection (from them and you to yourself); judgment, and being defined by others who have no right to do so. A form of verbal abuse.

No one has the right to define you...God gave you that right when he made humans all separate and equal, with the limitation that they can only control themselves, therefore, define themselves. Who knows you better than you?

This signal of disrespect is a blessing, Ale...you aren't married yet...didn't know, could only feel something wrong...and now you're here and can learn about changing yourself, not to fit others' expectations, or take their abuse, but how love really works. No abuse involved.

You might want to move your post to Pre-Marriage, The Early Years...though I'm not sure how much traffic they get. The most highly seen one is Infidelity - General Questions II forum...which doesn't apply. Well, you didn't know you were betraying yourself...but that's a stretch.

Thank goodness.

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I hope you will take heart that this isn't a class issue...something wrong with two worlds colliding, as they say (and they say a lot wrongly), but about disrepectful judgments (DJs) which are love busters. Read about boundaries, too...all that you can, and learn the real issues behind what you see...you'll grow from it.

Glad you're here...your post is important.

LA

hey,
thank you so much for your input. I never would have looked at it from that point of view. I love to have other people's opinions because they can see things we can't see ourselves.
I think the only reason why my fiance made the slip was from the words said by his father the day before, because he never before in the three years i've been with him ever made a comment to me of that nature before. We're getting married in a month, and I think my fiance's father is getting more intimidated by the day because he's losing his son. He's very dependent on him...and it seems now every chance he gets he tries to degrade my character that i'm too good for his son.
You are 100% right, I can see this as verbal abuse,..and am anxious to read more into the suggestions you posted.

thanks so much!

Please read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" I think it's by Patricia Evans. Also, "The Dance of Anger." I consider these essentials in knowing your life.

Because I've advised these before, please consider what you discover in them, may be in part, what you do also. Gain both ways...you'll grow from it.

I say that because I've had the experience that a poster was "proved right" about the abuse after reading it and couldn't see her part at all. This creates more conflict, less ownership and no growth...can't grow someone else.

I think you have a compassionate heart...you see fear where it is...but it is disrespectful to do that. No assumptions. You're starting out a marriage shortly, and assumptions and mindreading can feel (note FEEL) like kindness and it actually destroys.

Get to know Love Busters well...these are sneaky...what you've been taught may not be truth. Approach your FIL calmly and respectfully and say, "When you say ____, I believe you are calling me stuck up, too good for your son...and I hurt. I feel degraded."

That's it. Nothing more. You can wait a few seconds for a reply and then leave. Or not. No defense needed. You are open and honest and committed to sharing. It is the way we example relationships. And you're about to have a life long one with an abuser. You'll need to understand boundaries and respect. You'll flourish.

"Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. Essential, too. Just like "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley.

With all this reading...you won't have time to do the wedding.

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LA