Hello. I know this probably will be disregarded but its worth a try. I’m a 20 year old in Florida. I will be turning 21 in 10 days from now. I have been married since high school with my wife of the same age. She will be turning 21 in June. We have been together for nearly five years, married for four. I know were "youngsters" but we were in love from first sight. We live around west palm and have moved from here to Orlando, back, to Fort Myers, back and were here to stay (?) My problem is that we have owned our own business since 03', the year we graduated. Within the last 4 months, we obtained a small space to actually open a shop, instead of selling things online on eBay.

Everything was going fine I thought; I worked for my wife's father doing construction, with good pay. We live with my grandparents partly because they need someone to just stay with them at their old age, mostly because they were the ones who raised me since birth and I feel like are my parents. Within a month more and more kids starting hanging around at our shop to just chill and relax. It wasn’t a big deal until within the last month. A county fair ended up starting the fallout of our relationship. My wife hired two high school seniors to help out and be other sets of eyes while working at our booth. Everything went well until my wife had an idea to thank them. She wanted to take them out to a movie, which was normally fine, but the problem was that I couldn’t go because I had to work. My wife with two other guys I don’t know very good didn’t settle to well with me. Things just started getting worse since then. These guys would stay till 8 or 9 o'clock with their friends at the store when we normally close at 6. She hired them because they knew a lot about what we were selling and it could help us out. It went to ****** when my wife started spending the weekends up there all together.

Now, I normally work from 7:30 till about 5 or 6, even later sometimes, but normally just weekdays. The shop would stay open till 8 on Friday and 8 on Saturday too and close on Sunday. My wife started staying Friday, and Saturday night there with the guys and their friends, both girls and guys. She would also stay all day Sunday, which would be our only day together because I don’t see her much during the week because of our work. It went on for three weeks and I got tired of it and told her it was either the shop or me. She decided the shop and I apologized to her and she came home. The forth week was when things broke apart; she was going to stay with the 2 guys on Friday night, so I came home, went back and gave her clothes to stay in and blankets and pillows. We ended up making love in our car twice before she went back inside and I thought everything was going to be ok.

The next day I went to get her to come home and get a bath and stuff and she brought 2 girlfriends with her. She always likes me to sit and talk to her while in the bath so I did. We ended up having sex again before she even got in the bath. She left and I didn’t see her again until Sunday. She had decided to get her nipples pierced "for me" and I was so angry with her not being with me even when she got them done, she came home, I didn’t see them, and I went out for a walk. Later that night while in bed, I told her maybe we should separate for a while and Monday, she packed and left for the shop.

She told her parents we were having problems and I couldn’t work and she ended up staying at the shop. Not more than a few hours later I called her telling her to forgive me because I made a huge mistake. She didn’t want to take me back...after going through the week until Friday, everything was hopeless. On Friday I finally got it out of her that she was starting to fall for her old friend, this guy who hung out at the shop. It wasn’t till later in that day did I find out that they had sex...Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, only till she started her period on Tuesday. I had sex with her Friday night in the car twice...and after she ended up being with him...for her first time.

It was like a movie, holding each other, then slow touching, then the kisses and then everything else she said to me. I ended up having sex with her the day after on the tub...if only I would have knew...I finally got it out of her why she left, and she told me that it was exact...but it was too late...she said that this guy broke up with his girlfriend...and now that they think their in love...

I don’t know what to do next. I’m so lost..they are spending all their time together and I can’t stand the fact that they are still married while all this is going on. I still have my ring on, although this guy took hers off... I haven’t eaten in a week and a day and ive been taking pm medicine to sleep because I don’t want to cry myself there anymore. I just don’t know what to do...to wait to see if she realizes what she lost...or to just let her go..because she seems happier...all I know is that im going nuts without her...five years is a long time with someone, to just all of a sudden be by yourself in everything...please someone help me...

Well. I didnt want to waste anyone's time by putting every little thing in because it would be long, and i figured no one would really want to read something thats just so long. The other things are like this...apparently, not to my knowledge, she has "loved" this guy since she was in 8th grade..he was in 6th...they were really good friends and then he ended up drifting apart when she went into high school. She met him a year earlier from her friend that was looking after him because he didnt have a place to stay...When in high school she was the girlfriend of another guy till just about when we met in 11th grade...She used to tell me that she always noticed me and that she wanted to ask ME out..but she didnt until we got to know each other. we started dating the second week of december and it started with a little romantic story that some people have. Ending the night after hanging out as friends with her longing for a kiss from me and i didnt feel it was right...so she kissed me on the head and the night was over.

Two weeks later on christmas eve we ended up making love for the first time...i was a virgin, she was not...but it felt right none the less...she ended up getting kicked out of her house when her mom found us having sex in their house (not one of our best moments) and i immidately took her in. We didnt sleep in the same bed for about a week and my grandparents didnt really mind her at all. I left for a week to go see my mom during the summer and she went nuts like i am now...but when i came back we sat down and mutually agreed that we wanted to get married. The marriage was really really done wrong. Her parents paid for one of the crappiest weddings ive ever seen. My wife is half costa rican and half american. I am almost all puerto rican and a little american. Everything was in spanish, which i cant speak or understand, the wedding was so small that she has to walk ACROSS the isle instead of down and the reception was a joke seeming like just an excuse for her relatives to get drunk. After, our senior year was good and we planned to make everything work.
We moved to Orlando so i could go to school, but i didnt end up getting in due to a small technicality...stupid really..so we stayed for a little while and then moved back.

About a year later, i got a job on the west coast in fort myers so commuting was hard at over an hour and a half each way. We ended up moving there and going to college for one semeister each, but then dropping out to try to pay for bills. After failing there as well we came back and a year later, opened up our shop in the small town...and the rest you know...

The thing that I ended up finding out was that she said she didnt love me since orlando...meaning..the last 3 years were just a...joke...I realized what had ended up doing that and it was my selfishness...I always had to be on top and i made her get the two jobs while i had none in orlando, until we were about to move. In fort myers, she had to get two jobs because my one job wasnt paying enough,although i loved it so much. I didnt realize that she sacraficed everything to make me happy and I did nothing in return...
Thats the reason she left and now she says this guy spends time with her...he rubs her back and plays with her hair...which she loves...but when i actually went back to work with her father today, trying to not think about her so much, i came to a revolation...

All of the things she has told me about this guy doing, we used to do...go to the movies every weekened...hang out with friends all hours of the night, have lightsabre fights till we were black and blue, and just hang..for hours..even if we didnt talk...is this guy just an upgraded version of me...i didnt know these things mattered to much or i would still do them today. She called today, thinking i was home, asking for a recipe that she has and i told her i was working... She was surprised and i told her i would call her back.
Last night one of my good friends dragged me out to watch a movie, to get my mind off of her. She asked how it was and i told her it was so sad...all i could think about was her, holding her hand while watching movies, getting close and i couldnt stand it. She just direguarded it and i asked if she ever things of her husband...she said what husband..and i said me..she replied not for long, which made me cry. She told me to stop because i was working, although her father understood what was going on. We were always one about the phases of the moon and children, and we only used protection during sex for the first two times, we agreed that if it happened, it happened.

Last night there was a full moon, and i was worried coming back from the movies, just staring it as my friend was driving. I knew if they had sex, she would get pregnant...which is a fear for me, because five years of unprotected sex with no child, and about a week of unprotected from this other guy and then..she would get pregnant. I actually asked her, but she said no...they just held each other and kissed. He had to leave today to back to training (army reserve) but he will be back this weekend...and she said they will do it then...

The thing that really kills me is the fact that she doesnt even act like its a big deal. No crying, no emotion, just like it never happened. While im crying and emotional she just tells me to stop and quit being a baby...im just so lost...i told her i was willing to do anything to have her back but she said no...she didnt want me back..if ever...I just dont know what to do...

exvladovir,

I have read your posts. I would strongly recommend that you read the articles on this site first and foremost.

There is a lot of information in your post, some of it doesn't make too much sense to me, because if you have a business that takes most of your time, I am not sure how either of you work two other jobs or that you were not working while she was working.

I know that this whole thing has hurt you deeply and since you have never been on your own, I am sure that the prospect is very scary for you. I would strongly recommend that you consider using plan A and then plan B on this situation. Please read up on them, and also read up on the concepts of love busters. I think you will find them very interesting. Finally, read about needs and the needs questionaire.

I will admit to being a bit conflicted with your situation. Perhaps I should start by saying why? One you are married and love your W. Therefore it is worth your while to try and save this marriage. But, two it is clear you don't have the tools yet for a successful marriage and perhaps not a successful life. Here lies my conflict.

You seem like a very mature 20-21 year old man and yet I KNOW that you are not nearly as mature as you will be in 5 years or 10 years. I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally and even intellectually. You are still growing and changing and you will continue for many years to develop into the man you will ultimately be.

In short, you are not the man your W will be married to in 10 years if the marriage lasts, and frankly she is NOT the woman she will be in 10 years either.

Here is my where I am conflicted. I would like to see your marriage survive. Yet I know that given where she is and her age and level of maturity, she is NOT good marriage material right now. I also know that if you were not married you would work on bettering yourself, via education, work, savings. Just about every way. You WILL need more education even if your goal is to run a business.

You and your W do not have children at this point and frankly that is a very very good thing. You don't know it yet, but the odds are that you will live at least another 60 to 70 years. Which means you have a lot of time to grow, marry, find the right woman, and then have children.

I know you feel your W is the right woman, but she does not feel this way about you. Will she change? Oh! yes she is going to change so much. Will these changes bring you back into her life? No one knows.

The only thing you can do is to learn as much from this experience as you can, work on yourself, and prepare yourself for a successful life. I am not recommending that you divorce her. I am recommending that you do several things. ONe learn about plan A and plan B, and start to address the issues YOU have in this marriage. No matter how your marriage turns out you will learn and be a better man and husband for it in the future. I would sit down and make a plan for YOUR future that should include school, training, career, job goals etc. Make this plan, talk to people you trust and respect about it, and then start to work on it.

Your W may or may not come back, but you need to move forward in your life and prepare to be successful in it. That means learning about relationships and marriage (this site is excellent for that) but it also means preparing to succeed and that is about YOU.

So please do the reading here, please think about this, and come back and ask lots of questions.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Just learning... great advice...



exvladovir,,, this is VERY good advice..... I actually tell my 6 year old grandson...that he should WAIT until he becomes what HE WANTS to become before he gets married... the "right woman will wait... Of course he has NO idea what the heck I'm talking about...but he WILL.... J

So.. what we ALL do here is similar to what JL has told you... we work on ourselves....you are the ONLY person YOU can change...As we become more knowledgeable... more often than not, our spouses find that attractive. All our marriages have times in it where we became stagnant and "boring" trying to just make a living....

One thing that I'd like to drive home for you (that will help with the pain to come) is that EVERY SINGLE wayward spouse has a habit of "Re-writing History" It is there way of "justifying the affair.....

That is what your W was probably doing when she said that she didn't love you the last 3 years... My W and I were Married for 14 years and as the affair got deeper she went back to a time and said that she hadn't loved me since then... THAT WAS ONLY ONE YEAR AFTER WE WERE MARRIED!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

We call it "The Fog" is what happens when a person involved in a VERY bad thing (usually harmful to themselves) .... stealing... doing drugs.... or having an affair (she will lose a LOT of self esteem over this!!) start to re-write history to JUSTIFY the wrong thing they are doing... "I had to steal... I was born poor...." I HAD to have an affair..." My Husband and I got married too young... I loved this other guy but lost touch.. " etc... etc..

She and ALL wayward spouses... say things that are VERY hurtful....like...the FAMOUS...." I love you, but I'm not IN love with you..." When you hear that one... don't let it hurt you.... be happy that she said it because..IT IS CLASSIC "fog talk"

You have a lot to learn....MOSTLY... don't wine and beg....I KNOW you hurt... try not to show her.... WHY? Because believe it or not.. it will make it HARDER to stop the affair.... she will figure... "Well... I already hurt him soooo much... things can NEVER be the same" Her guilt will keep her "away"

Learn here.... cry here..... react HERE.....scream here.... and vent here... ONLY.... we will be here for you.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> YOU CAN DO THIS......... DO NOT REACT...... take ACTION....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now... some specific questions so we can help...Please answer them...

1.) Where is your W now? Is she home or living with the OM?
2.) Does anyone know besides you? (This will be important later)
3.) Does she see it as an affair?
4.)Are you OK?

GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS… FRANK

Based on what you have written she sounds immature and absolutely toxic to you. I know this sounds harsh but I would contact an attorney to understand your options. She has made a farce of your marriage and clearly has put your health at risk for STD's. You sound like a great guy. You simply married the wrong woman. Imagine what it would be to marry the right woman. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Thank goodness you did not have children with her. You can do better. I wish you luck.

BryanP

After being here as long as YOU have.... THIS... is the advice you give this kid??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


HOW.. in the WORLD can you tell someone... ANYONE... that they "Married the wrong person"???? After two posts....????
Or.... that he is a "Great Guy" for that matter... (no offense exvladovir just making a point here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)
Have you even read this site in all the time you've been here Bryanp? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
And…. If he quits this early in THIS marriage…. What will he have learned that will help his marriage to this “Right woman” fantasy you spoke of?

exvladovir,
If you read what he's written... (mostly on Just Found out BTW) (Click on his user name and then all posts at the bottom ) as I just did... you'll see he gives pretty much the same advice to EVERYONE....STDs... call an attorney.... you deserve better.... yada yada yada..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Don’t let his dribble get you MORE down….

UNFORTUNATELY... there are a lot of bitter people that linger here with this type of attitude... FORTUNATELY they are the minority ....you'll have to weed through some posts like this from time to time...Don’t be a quitter too….YOU CAN DO THIS……..

Try and read as much as you can from this site...once you do you will learn that it's not a TYPE of PERSON that has an affair (like some people think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) but a TYPE of SITUATION that causes them..... ANYONE is capable of having one.. ANYONE... given the right SITUATION...AND….. By learning the principals here you’ll be able to identify good advice from advice like you got above……

Your Wife (whom he loves BTW BryanP) is not a bad person or an evil person... she is a person that made a BAD CHOICE....to have her needs filled by someone other than her husband....REALLY BAD CHOICE....mostly..... for her.

READ.... AND UNDERSTAND..... and.... you'll learn more than some people have in 5 years here....

GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

OH... exvladovir
I don't know if you read the "Welcome to Marriage Builders" post... here is the link below... it has a TON of ggod stuff all in one place.... GL&P FRANK


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...page=0&vc=1

HERE’S ANOTHER GOOD ONE…

Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...page=0&vc=1

Well, since i live with my grandparents, she isnt here. She was staying at our shop in town with this guy and his friends, but today i finally confirmed (from her mother that is on my side) that she is moving in with her new guy. Well, her parents both know, as well her little sister (she is old enough to understand,13) and only one of my good friends knows everything. She didnt and doesnt see it as an affair, as it is still going on though and were still married, but she is seeing this guy right as i type. Im not ok with it...the way i see it is that she fun with this guy doing everything that we used to do together, the little stupid things that i thought we grew out of...but if i had any idea that they meant that much to her then i would be doing them now. In my last post i said that her guy left to go back to the base and i found out from her mom that she was there. I called her because one of our cats just had kittens and she wanted to get off the phone. She is staying there with him tonight...doing the dirty no doubt and while im stuck here just whining and complaining to you guys. Both her parents and my friend think that i should start acting like a single guy again but i just dont feel that way, at least yet. One thing im afraid of is this... When i would go to the shop after work some days and i see this kid there he would always look at me like he was deathly scared of me for some reason. This was before they did anything though. Im afraid that this guy is going to get scared off if she does get pregnant and then what happens...she tries to come back with me...pregnant with someone elses child... One thing that she said has really stuck im my mind though, and I would like anyone to give me their opinion on this... When i found out, she told me to go and live my life, hang out and have fun with my friends, like i used to before we got together. Now, this theory is so perfect that its just perfect, or so wrong that its the wrongest ever! ...could it be that she may want me back, but in the way thati was before when we used to have this kind of fun ?!? Like if i do change, would it make her feel like this is the old me and want to come back ?!? ...its an interesting thought...i can only play out different scenereo's in my mind all times of the day wishing she would be here when i get home, or to come to where im working and tell me she loves me again...last night i dreamed that she came back to me and we were happy again...but then i realized...it could only be a dream...

I would suggest that contact the base commander and inform him that your wife is married and having an affair and moving in with him. This is a major offense.

You are married and she is now moving in to live with her lover? What is wrong with this picture? Please get some legal advise to understand some of your options. If she gets pregnant by this guy you may still be held responsible. Get legal advise now. I wish you luck.

The thing is, is that she says she is happy now. Ive always told her that i just want her happiness out of life and now that she is...even though it isnt with me...she deserves it. I wouldnt call the base because then that would jepordize her happiness..and like i said...i only want her happy...even if it pains me great to see her with someone else.

Hey, Exvlad,

I read something today that stunned me. Said to check your values in life...and the worst value is wanting happiness.

No kidding.

Think about it...would you rather your WW have self-respect, safety and acceptance in her life...or happiness? We can get temporarily happy with virtually any distraction...heck, shiny objects get me...what kind of value is that to want her to be distracted?

That's what A's are, Exvlad...distractions from pain inside herself. You're doing her a great wrong by believing humans deserve anything...we have the responsible to own our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, define our standards and boundaries, and to not judge anyone else's.

You're doing all of that...really disrespectful. By not saving your marriage, you are harming your WW greatly. Your choice. You're doing that. She is distracted with someone else, and when that fades, it will be another and another...how pain continues until we grow from it.

Read up on the links Please Help provided, work on yourself, find a plan you believe in and choose your life. You can do this. "Boundaries in Marriage" Cloud & Townsend is what I was reading...check it out. Learn from this terrible pain you're in...God's reaching for ya.

LA

To LovingAnyway:

I just want to say that what you have just written was an outstanding post. You were right on the mark. I hope exvlad reads it and fully comprehends what you have just written. It was really superb.

Dear exvaldovir,
I'm sorry,I know how you feel.
As these guys say, read the site, the books, and for the moment don't believe anything your W says. She is in the fog. If you can disconnect (at least physically)from her, it will help you both in the long run.
Re Lovinganyway, I love what you write. where can I find out more about this "respect" and what it really means.

Bay Window,

Just so you know, the fact that NC was never established is a big problem here. If your WH still works with OW, there has been consistent contact and that it why the affair either begin again or never really ended.

You need to expose to your WH's employer, your family, his family etc. to end the affair.

I am really sorry, both for threadjacking and that you are here, but you need to take the necessary (MB) steps to end the affair and begin recovery.

Who

Hello all. Well...i tried everything. Everything that i could to try and save this marriage. I even did something that i thought she would find sweet because it came from when we were first dating...but still nothing. Im sorry but I used LovingAnyway s' advice and I told it to her as if i had thought it out on my own. She ended up getting really really mad at me. I am a very sensetive person and it hurt really bad, i started to cry about it.

In a reply email she wrote to me she said that we had good times. That the love she had for me has died. That she was never able to tell me because of my sensitivity and that im over emotional. She couldnt figure out if she was happy with her life and felt stuck. That she was waiting for me to call it quits and thats why she never fought my decision. She says she found out that she is happy with her life now. That her new guy may not like or love me that way that I do, but he will in time, that feelings grow like ours did. She said that she should have ended it earlier because I wouldnt have got so attached. That we got married to soon, and everytime someone asked why she got married, she didnt have an answer. The only reason she could think of was to get out of her parents house. That i blame her for not going or staying in college or doing the things that i wanted to do. That this is helping me find out what i want to do with my life because i couldnt ever figure it out and nows my chance. She says she is very happy with her new guy and his family. She wants to finish her online schooling and become a chef like she always wanted to. She even has a job lined up as a cook for the army reserve kitchen. She said they really need people. She said it will take time to see if this will work our or not but they have strong feelings that it will. She said she is sorry for all of this but it was bound to happen, and I will always have a friend in her.

When i was talking to her a few mins ago, she yelled at me and told me that she has tried to be nice but im just not understanding. That she has moved on and that the chapter in her life with me has closed. I started crying and told her to be safe and good luck in this 5k run she is doing tomorrow. I said bye and i started typing here.

Yesterday I started writing about all of the things that happened, like a book. I finished the intro and I am moving on to the beginning. It will span from just before being with her till right now. I am hoping to find out where it all went wrong (which i mostly know where) and if I could ever be the same. I am emotionally shattered and my 21st birthday is on wednesday. Both her parents, my friends and everyone says she will be back, and that i shouldnt even talk to her. To let her see what I mean to her and she will finally understand.

The problem is that I cant do it. I long to hear her voice and the touch of her skin. I still carry around the first picture she ever gave to me, before we started dating. And one of the pictures we took last year at glamour shots. This whole thing has left such a big hole in my life, heart and soul. I feel like just falling off this two story house we are re-roofing. It seems like the only choice. I'd rather be tortured for all eturnity in ****** than suffer this kind of pain right now. Im just so broken, I dont think I will ever be whole again.

Hello,

I am very sorry for your pain but I am going to be blunt here.
Nobody and I mean nobody loves or respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to step back. Look at yourself and what do you see? Why would a cheating spouse be attracted to a doormat? My guess is that she may in the future come to her senses. She may do this when she sees you moving on with your life and being happy with who you are. What you are portraying to her now is that you are totally co-dependent, weak and weepy over a spouse who is already living with the OM. Why would she wish to return to you acting the way you are. When you show dignity and self-confidence you will be more attractive to many people. The bottom line is to seek counseling and regain your self-respect and self-confidence. Your life will change for the better once you do this. I wish you the best.

Dear Exvlad...

Hugs for the pain and a slap to help you distract from it.

((((()))))) ::::smack!:::

You're about to turn 21...you are writing out the relationship to see where it went wrong...your relationship didn't go wrong...two people thought they were one, lived through each other, got messy and thought love or something outside would fix it.

I am about to say what Bryan is saying...only different words and a different perspective. Same stuff.

Know how opposites attract? That feeling that another person completes you? You see in them what you fear in yourself, and they are comfortable with it...and vice versa. Finally, you're whole...wow, what a rush.

That's the first step in destroying your relationship. Takes two WHOLE people to become one...not two halves. What at first feels completing will quickly become the very thing to rip you back into half...or less. Leaves you feeling like you were erased from existence.

When one is an over, the other becomes an under...I was overly social and my H was under social (I don't know if underly would be a word)...he was attracted to me for what he feared, and I was attracted to his thoughtful silence, his control of thinking before speaking. We were both extreme in this opposite. It was nearly our destruction...

If you're overly emotional (not my judgment) then she will be underly emotional...the more you over anything, the more under the other person goes...the more under you go, the more over they go...in whatever it is...generosity, acceptance, appreciation...you name it. Why? Why are humans like this?

Because when you go over, you disrespect your partner. By going over instead of level, you are telling them they aren't competent to go level...you are compensating IN ADVANCE for them...telling them their weaknesses, their shortcomings...and all the time, believing your overly is just a bigger statement of love...when it is disrespect.

You can see this pattern, like a law of Newton, with your parents, siblings, co-workers and friends...it is a dynamic everywhere there are humans. I'm beginning to think it is how God leads us back to the person he created, after we move away from it, replacing choosing to love with earning love.

I dunno. Could be off base. I know that there is good inside of bad, and bad inside of good. I chose not to judge anymore.

You own yourself, Ex...you own your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. They are yours. No one else's. They cannot be. Others own theirs. No room in the inn. When you choose to believe your WW can make you angry, hurt, fear, resent...then you are turning your ownership into blame, and shoving it down another person's throat. Please don't do that. They will puke it back all over you.

That was crass, but you're turning 21 soon, and I'm old and you know how stupid old people look when they're trying to be hip? Well, that's me. I like that about me.

I don't want you to attract your WW back...I want you to choose to grow yourself, through your pain, and be respectful of others and yourself. I want you to choose to believe the universal truth...we are all separate and equal. You are equal to every human on the planet, by God's design. You can only control, cause and cure yourself and no one else. And they have the same limit.

I want you to study up about yourself...as you write your story...find where every pleasing act you did might have diminished who your wife was...and how accepting what she gave was difficult for you...even painful at times...so you did more to try to get more to feel more loved. And you kept getting less and less. Now you know why.

Receiving is as important as giving...you then recognize your partner's joy in their giving...and it can be painful to receive...and you do it anyway, for their joy. And it gets easier, so you give and receive in balance...no more over or under, because you're focused on respect.

And yourself.

Focusing on yourself, not her...not her words, actions or thoughts...those are hers. They are her truth, her perspective; not yours. You are separate. You have your own. You believe in marriage, faithfulness and honor. If you choose to do so, you will. Then you choose to live it...live respectfully. You listen and repeat her statements, handing them back to her, where they belong, so that she is heard. You do not argue her truths...you validate them, demonstrate respect that that she has them, and she chooses them, as you do you.

This is the path to dignity and self-confidence. It is choosing to love, not based on it being earned or earning it...you choose to love and act on that love. Not by serving, but respecting. You hand her truth back to her and keep your own. You become open and honest...with ownership, not blame. Blame is battery acid...you destroy when you place it on others and it will eat through your own skin when you attempt to do so.

God made you whole, complete and marvelously made. As he did everyone on the planet..before we've spoken one word or take a single action. No earning involved. His choice.

Emulate that respect...it is the truth of life; all other beliefs involving judging, comparing, measuring, assessing...they all come from fear. Fear of NOT being loved. They are false and pervasive. Choose respect.

Whatever you do to others, you will do to yourself...when you over for others, you under to yourself. Self doesn't like that. Why would it? You are equal...be equal. Self-care will get you the relationship of your dreams...love yourself, so you can love others.

Behind you, hugging and smacking you all the way,

LA

Gosh Loving anyway speaks so much sense.
Sometimes it makes hard reading from 2 points of view,
1. It's dense and needs re-reading to really go in. It also needs contemplation and self - excamination, it's not a "quick fix".
2. It's very hard to read when you (me) are cringing at how disespectful and stupid, stupid stupid, you (me) have been. Stupid and blind.
Why doesn't someone teach us this stuff at school?
How to be with other people, how to respect and co -operate.
How to be honest, most of all with yourself. It would all be so useful.
Try and scrape some self respect from somewhere. I totally understand that at the moment you need to collapse and break down. I've been there.
Can you do it somewhere around people who love you? Parents? Close friends?
Maybe if you're a logical person, (like me) you could set yourself a meltdown time limit. Then you're puting yourself back in control;, instead of your emotions.
Say to your self, "I'm going to take a weeek out where I look at old photos, listen to "our" music, watch "our" films, and immerse myself in misery and misery triggers.
But at the end of that week, you must be very strict with yourself, (you might be sick of crying by then anyway) and take the next step:
"Project me relaunch"
Do something new, stop contact with your WW, do anything it takes to get yourself feeling positive and self-reliant.
We all know the feelings of withdrawl and desperate wants to see/be with the WS, but try and ride them out. Try to avoid contact.
You will cope, you will make it. Now believe it.
Love yourself, care for yourself, eat, sleep, cry, think.
Kate xxx

Well today is my birthday. Everything i thought was going alright today at first. My wife called me at 1 in the morning to tell me happy birthday and we talked for about an hour about everything. It started to get awkard and then i told her that i still love her. She got silent and told me that she loved me, but she didnt know if she could love me like she used to before. We said our goodbye's and then i got up for work. Since she has my car, my grandparents let me use their old old truck to get back and forth to work. It kept breaking down so my grandfather decided to take me. He said happy b day to me this morning and then her parents as well when i arrived for work.

I called my love at about 11 and talked with her for a little and told her thanks, that because she called it made my birthday special again. After working for a long day and my grandpa bringing the old truck back to her parents house after fixing the problem, i went home and layed down for a little while.

Me and my wife have cats. A lot of cats. Dont think were crazy, but we have 20 cats. Yes i know thats a lot and im not kidding. 3 that can only stay in the bedroom because they dont get along with all of them in the living room and the rest out there. My wife came back yesterday to get more of her things while i was at work and she said the cats swarmed her when she got in. They missed her just like me. She had a brief chat with my grandma and she left again. My grandmother started yelling when i got home about the cats...that i needed to do something with them because my wife wanted the cats and since she said she was never coming back, that i needed to get rid of them. I said that i couldnt and left it at that. She started knocking on my door complaining again and again. She said that tomorrow while i'm at work she is going to keep the front door open and let them all out where they need to be. Trust me, I keep the house clean enough to have this many cats but she is driving me nuts.

I went to go vaccuum and she started talking crap about me and my wife's marriage and i told her that she just needed to shut up and not worry about anything. I started to cry and i didnt let her see me but she kept talking and talking until i yelled at her and went to the room again. I called my wife asking her if she knew a place where i could rent so i could get out of here. My wife was coming back from the mall and was driving. It is my birthday and she is out having fun with her new love and im just sitting here just waiting to kill myself. I swear to god i just cant take it anymore, everything is starting to kill me inside. With my grandmother telling me that i need to get rid of the only thing that still loves me in my life and my wife out there having fun on my birthday, just shows that nobody cares.

I cant find sanctuary in anything. Im not relegious by anymeans and I couldnt be if i tried. My only friend that i can talk to told me to go out and get smashed with him but i dont do that. My life is falling apart on the one day that I thought everything would go right. I asked my wife this morning if i could see her later and she said maybe. I asked her again when i talked to her a little bit ago and she said maybe still. Life is pushing me off the edge and im hanging on, but whats the point if there is nothing there for me anymore anyway.

Im too much of a coward to pull a trigger or slit my wrists, the only thing i could do is OD on sleeping medicine. Everything just came so fast, and so hard that i just dont know how i can go on. The only thing in my life that gave it meaning for the last five years leaves me a few weeks before my b day. My only love left are getting pushed out by my grandmother and i cant save myself if i tried. I just want things back so bad that I cant stand to live if i cant have them like that.

I know most people who read this think im just young and are thinking and acting stupid, but she is all i ever had. My life was completly, and i mean completly, meaningless until she was here. Everything was fine when we were together but when we fell apart, my life fell apart. Everything crashing down around me in only a few weeks time. I just cant go on anymore. Im hanging onto that ledge, but im ready to let go for good.

Exvlad...

Happy Birthday...you're sharing it with my mother. Oy!!

She's older than your grandmother.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please don't injure yourself so much...you are young, and human...you aren't feeling anything we haven't felt, feeling annihilated by an affair, being left, changes so huge...you aren't acting stupid...you are retreating, trying to pull yourself away from pain as if it is coming at you from the outside...and it is clawing at you from the inside.

Your wife is not all you've ever had...your perspective is that right now, because she was your focus, the majority of your thoughts...and you neglected to see the rest of you and all in your life.

You have family who love you...maybe not the way you want them to, the whens or hows of it...but they do. They care about you. You would hurt just as badly if your wife had left tomorrow, after your bday...it is her choices that hurt, not the whens...this is a lot to take in for you.

Letting go of the ledge isn't where your comfort lay...it is in you. Talk to your grandfather, let your grandma see you cry, open yourself to those who are there for you...they aren't attacking your cats; they are hurting terribly inside FOR you. They want to fix your life, lift you up and they can't say anything of these to you, when you hide, shut them out...and they still love you.

You did not make her choose to cheat--nothing about you drove her away--there isn't a thing wrong with you, Exvlad. Please stop talking to her for a week...completely...no plans, no calls. Feel your own heart, which loves so completely...you make your life meaningful, not others. You have meaning. It's how we are made. With meaning and purpose. You can try to shove that onto someone else, but it really won't go. It's yours.

You're not alone. You can get through this and be more than you were before for having experienced it. I believe in you.

LA