My wife has recently found out that I had an affair, (2) instances that involved sex six years ago and a kiss with another woman 3.5 year ago. One evening in bed we were watching a movie that involved a man and a woman having an affair and my wife asks, "have I ever had an affair". For some unknown reason I panic and literally start to sweat bullets and my heart started racing. So over the course of a week I finally came clean with the 2 sexual affairs and an incident that involved a kiss. In bringing this out, I was not truthful as we started to discuss the matters. One day I would provide part of the story, then the next day I would give more, and finally I provided all of the cases. In the case of the 2 sexual affairs, I told her that they were both one night stands that involved too much alcohol. And even the kiss 3.5 yrs ago involved alcohol. This has been over the past three weeks. We seemed to really start making progress till today. Night we were discussing my past actions and she asked me about the second incident, if it was just a one night stand, I failed to tell her the complete truth. The 1st affair was truly a one night stand, but the second occured on a business trip that lasted 2 weeks and at the last 2 or 3 days, this woman and I engaged in sex. Because I did not fully disclose this earlier, it seems that we are now back to square one. In May we are scheduled to attend a 3-day marriage seminar, she now wants no part of it. My question at this time is should I write her a full letter explaining how I feel about her and give as much account about the incidents in the letter to her? Because of the way I have provided her the requested information, I have zero credibility. Can someone provide me their life experience on dealing with someone, like myself, that has failed to bring out all of the truth at one time? In my own mind, I really did not want to provide my wife with the number of times I had sex with the second woman and the thoughts that were in my head at the time. Now that I have, she seems more devistated than before. I desperately want to work this out with my wife, she's truly the one I love and to see her in this pain that I've caused is indescribable. Please Help>

tz,
You came to the right place.... to answer your question... MOST people here that have been "Betrayed" will probably tell you... THE MOST hurtful thing was the lies....

Your credibility is not good right now... you seem to understand that....BUT... with TOTAL honesty... it will get to a point even BETTER than it was with your W.

I would not write a letter with all the details...This is important... some people like me don't need details.... in other words... answer her questions honestly and completely..BUT... don't add details like sexual positions etc... because.... those type of details really aren't important and IMHO more than I personally needed or WANTED to know... the details I did hear... are still hard to get out of my head...

But remember... this is me.,,, find your Wife's level of comfort and tell her on a "need to know" basis....

It's good you guys are going to a marriage seminar in May... Gently convince her to go...
Bring her here... we will help her too.... there are a LOT of people here that are in the MIDDLE of fighting an ongoing affair...they will tell her in a way,... she's lucky it's over...

Got to run.... READ THE SITE... THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD INFO HERE.. GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS... FRANK

Exactly as you have discovered, coming clean means just that. You need to disclose everything. Your W will be brought down to ground zero with every NEW piece of information.

The last thing you need in to get months into recovery to have it all erased by you W finding, or hearing a new piece of the puzzle that was not disclosed previously.

I would also suggest you get her involved with this site. You both need to read up on the principles, the books, and the forum. Taylor it to your needs.

You will find in almost all situations, someone here has already been thru the issues you two will be dealing with. They can help you cope, and give you options you may have not thought of.

You will find alot more assistance if you post on the General Questions forum. There is alot more traffic over there.

Sorry you and you W find yourself in this sitch, but you have come to the right place.

Hi there, I am sorry you are going through this.

I will give you advise based on what I needed from my H who was also remorseful like you but had lied a thousand lies.

We had a "come clean" discussion and he totally participated which gave him initial points although I didn't trust him for a long time.

I would suggest that you write her a letter explaining your desire to come clean on everything and leave nothing secret that she would like to know about. Tell her you will answer every question she has with honesty and then ask to set up a time to talk with her where she can ask you anything and you will answer truthfully.

This way she will get to be in charge of what she wants to hear by what questions she asks. And YOU NEED TO BE TRUTHFUL even if it is embarrassing, shameful, or you fear it will be too hurtful for her. If she asks it, you must answer with humility.

My H and I had this question/answer session. Although it was hugely painful for both of us and very humiliating for him, his humbleness and willingness to engage in this 3 hr discussion really began our recovery.

Above all, do not think you are protecting her by withholding information that she asks for. It is true that the lies are more painful and harder to overcome than the A itself.

Good luck to you on your recovery efforts. Treat her gently and be patient with her. She will be all over the place emotionally for awhile.

Blessings
Glad

Thanks all for your words. Just received the final word today that we will DV. We already told the kids, WOW, that was pain watching my little girl cry her eyes out. I've not slept for about 36 hrs now, I think I feel the end of the journey. Thanks again.

Ask your wife if she will come here and read. We can help her. Spouses often ask for a divorce, the shock is so terrible, but that doesn't mean it will happen.

I have asked her, she very admiment to not do read. I've a counseling apptmt in the morning, she does not want to attend. She very strong willed and minded. Once she's set on a course, she follows through. Her mother has also talked with her about going to counseling, but to no avail. She has a degree in psycology and believes she knows the way without additional help. Which, and I not trying to make excuse here, because of her need to understand every detail and then lash out very harshly, I've had a hard time bringing everything out all at once. I do understand that she needs to lash out and has every right to be angry, but it tough when she wants to know everything, then I divulge and the next thing I'm hearing is good ridence.

Well, your situation sounds very typical. The BS usually does lash out, because the betrayal is such a horrible shock. And the WS often does not tell the whole truth, not wanting to hurt the BS, and thinking that lies will protect the marriage.

Hang in there, and keep reading here. Also, go to counseling, even if she refuses.

Thanks believer.