I got married in december 2005 to my sons (4) father. We never married prior due to his abuse and drinking etc and kept kicking us out of his house.

Then he decided he hit rock bottom, no license, lost his job of 25 years and found out he had cancer. Told everyone he was dieing had 2 years to live and no health insurance. He said he was going to AA, he did go to church with us and he did go to counseling with us. I believed he wanted to change. I felt bad he had cancer and he cried all the time... I gave in, said I would marry him, I felt it was the right thing to do.

Well, since the day we got married, he has been drinking again ..heavy as before, no AA, No church etc.. He has beat me up 2 timse, disappeared and I had to file a missing persons report because I got scared, he left numerous suicide notes. He was fine, it was all a game to upset me. My 4 year old was woke up in the middle of the night by his father choking me, we sleep in bunk beds with the dresser in front of the door... its a nightmare.My son begs his grandma to let us live with her cause he dont want to go home etc..

I cant be intimate with him, at times I think I hate him. When he gets drunk and nasty he says "I stink" and really horrible things.. I feel tricked, lied too betrayed... not one promise was kept, he dont have a job and I understand that contributes to his drinking but he drank before when he did have a job. And for the cancer, he has had my insurance since Jan 1st. And he wont go to the doctor. His family keeps asking me if he really has cancer. I have no proof, he has never been to the doctor since we have been married... I am back in this nightmare I fought so hard to get out of. My granfather is a pastor.. tells me the bible says "to love and forgive them" .. I keep doing it over and over.. I dont know how much more I can handle though. I dont want to say to much to anyone cause all I get is the "I told you so's" I really believed he wanted to change. Now I belive he tricked me, I dont have any trust at all now in him. I am nice and civil etc.. But he has even cut the valve stems of my tires so they went flat so we couldnt leave in one of his violent rages. I sleep with my son and he is still scared, I have to leave the light on with me in there.
Help... this is just unbearable, I dont know what the right thing to do is. "love and forgive" or get hurt over and over trying.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You don't have a marriage to save. You have a dangerous situation to get out of.

You first need to get yourself and child to a safe place. Then you need to file for court ordered protection. Get some legal assistance "NOW".

Get out of that house!

Find yourself a SAFE place to stay.

Various county agencies should be able to help you find shelter to get out of this dangerous sitch.

You can go to court and get protective orders and temporary custody orders.

Don't delay in doing this! Get yourself out of this dangerous sitch BEFORE something else happens. His behaviour looks to be escalating and he could become EXTREMLY Dangerous!

The fact that your DS can not sleep unless you are there and with the lights on speaks volumes to the toxitity of your living sitch. The longer this continues the more damage will be done to DS.

Git away now! You can deal with the colateral damage later after you are physically safe.

Post back and let us know how you're doing. We'll be here to help you through this!

Stay Strong!

Are you still out there and safe?

Please post back and let us know.

Im ok, just exhausted. I called a attorney 2000.00 down and I need to move first. The 19th was our 4 month anniversary, I was in trouble for not saying happy anniversary. He had my son so scared, we went right to his room and tried to lock the door and put his dresser in front of it again. He beat on it so many times got in and was threatening to smack my son (for sticking up for me). I got him out and finally he gave up. He shut the water off to the house so I couldnt shower in the morning before work, and took all my clothes out of the bedroom and threw them on the floor in the basement. Just because I didnt say happy anniversary?? With all the crpa he does to me even if I had remembered at 6:30 am... there has nothing been happy about it. Thanks for listening.

jrntmsmom,

Call the police and get out of there, or YOU may be guilty of getting your child severely injured or worse. Frankly, I don't care what happens to you, you did and are doing this to yourself, and you should be ashamed for letting this continue.

But, to put your children and child at risk??? There is NO excuse.

Get out of there, file a police report, and get divorced from this man.

God Bless,

JL

Honestly, should be ashamed of myself? For believing that people do change? For wanting to do the right thing in Gods eyes? For remembering the bible telling me to forgive? I did not do anything to myself. If the man were to touch either of my children I would definately protect them at all cost.

For most instances I cannot just make a police report for him calling me names or shutting the water off on me or cuting the valve stems on my truck. Obviously it is easier when you have never been in the situation. Just leave, go somewhere, but not everyone has a place to go. I dont have any options at this point until I have some money to leave. I was looking for advice and support, not critizism to the fact that I am at fault and not cared about. I get that at home now, thanks.

Hey JL,

My dog just got hit by a car. Would you like to come over and kick it?

"God Bless" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Is there a women's shelter in your area? I would check with them. They can help you get away from this mess.

Or you could apply for emergency welfare, and they will get a place for you to stay.

God wants us to honor our vows, but not when we are being abused.

Sweetie you HAVE to leave, not only for yourself but for your kids!!!! What you're going through is un-real.no one deserves that he needs some serious help and you are not the one to give it to him.....you can forgive that man if it is in your heart to but you cannot and should not stay you need to get yourself and those kids outta there away from him asap!! I wish you the best

Im not sure where you are but usually there are housing programs rent and bills are dirt-cheap. So i suggest going to Housing Authority usually you can get in quickly....

And um JL obviously you have never been through anything, IT IS NOT that simple, complicated situations never are and you should keep those comments to yourself......she is not at fault. She can't control what he does . Ugh all I can say is DL u disgust me! People come here for help not to be put down or made to feel worse about themselves..!!

jrntmsmom,

Call the national womens abuse hotline at

1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224

They can help you.

Just because there hasn't been any physical abuse doesn't mean your son is not being abused. No one should go to bed affraid, including you..

I don't think JL meant to come down hard on you as much as he wanted to highlight the severity of what is going on.

Being where you are a person sometimes tries to make sence of it by down playing it.

You're in Danger, and so is your son
Call

Folks:


It IS that simple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Protect the children, even if you won't protect yourself. I'm sorry the 4 year old has figured it out. Call protective services, call the police, call women's shelters. But, protect those children AND yourself.

I have no further advice to offer. I will keep repeating it if you like.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you everyone, glad I checked in again. I am calling.. looking into different options right now... I just pray God will help me make the right choices. Obviously getting married was not a good one. I was told by the police though unless there is physical evidence that he hurt me they wont be able to prosecute him, they may just take him for the night.

Hate to wait until it gets to that point.
Thanks again for the numbers and suggestions.

Took the advice, things got way out of hand last night, he even cut the phone lines when we tried to call the police. I used my cell, he heard me and took off running out the door. The police couldnt find him so we had to leave and suggest we dont go back. WE went to a hotel, but at a loss to what to do at this point. He report my credit cards stolen. I have been physically sick all night and my son who was scared to death is saying he just wants to give his dad a hug and was crying last night. Breaks my heart.. I am trying to protect him.
Just wanted to let you all know, what happens to us now is in Gods hands.

Contact a women's shelter or go for emergency welfare. They will help you. You should also be able to go to court and get a restraining order the same day.

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers. Please keep us updated.

jrntmsmom,

I am proud of you. This must be soooo hard on you, but I truely believe you have done the right things and started down a better path. Be very careful, do as Believer suggested, and use the system as best you can to protect your son and yourself.

God Bless,

JL

I, too, am very proud of you, jrtmom. Take it from someone who's been in the same traumatic, terrifying position as your precious 4-year-old, you are saving this child a world of pain and a lot of damage. PLEASE DO NOT WAVER. STAND FIRM AND PROTECT your child and yourself. Both of you deserve peace and security. Forgiveness is about letting go. It is NOT about condoning abusive behaviour or suffering through it. Abuse and alcoholism are deal-breakers. As long as he refuses treatment, your husband's primary relationship will be with ALCOHOL, not with you or with your son. You both will a very very distant priority to him, if one at all.

Rally all the support you can from government services, family and friends. Get that protection order and start a healthy new life for your children and yourself. Twenty years down the road, you won't be sorry and your children won't be blaming you for failing them. They'll be thanking you and looking up to you.

I wish you all the best. You are all in my prayers.

Natalie

Thank you.... I am out.. not sure what to do know. I am staying with my mom 85 miles from work one way. With the gas this high.. its definately temporary. He reported the credit cards stolen and I have no access to any funds at all. I broke down in tears in front of my daughter while one after the other was declined last night trying to get gas to get to my moms.

Knowing he is sitting at home and enjoying all this because he knows I dont have any money at all. I just had paid bills and and stocked the groceries for 2 weeks until I get my next paycheck.. so things are always tight. You know I gave him all the support in the world when he lost his job and told me he had cancer, I believed in him and though I was scared I put our lifes in his hands with trust that he would continue down the road to recovery. How after all that can he hurt us over and over then not care if we are stranded or homeless? As long as he still feels he is in control. He is leaving me messages to just come home he is sorry. I say I am sorry when I say something wrong or make a mistake and try not to repeat the same thing. He has done this for months escalading and repeating the same behavior over and over... how can you be sorry for doing things to hurt people on purpose? I went to see the counselor who we met with who heard all his promises etc.. he also said dont go back. I make 100.00 too much a month for any assistance of any kind. And the affordable housing as they call it, they gave me a list, ouch nothing less than 900.00 a month on it. How can that be affordable housing for a single mom, 2 kids, full-time day care that I pay is 300.00 a check. I am scared of loosing my job because I am supposed to work 7:30 - 4:30, my daughter has school 8 - 3:20, so I am leaving early everyday and late coming in everyday. I need to do something soon before that happens. Hear woman say its hard to leave.. nothing to do with loving a man, because I love my children more, but its like I have nowhere to turn. My mom I am thankful for but she cant help, been battling cancer (for real) and on ss. What a mess.. please keep us in your prayers to help me find a solution that wont be the wrong solution.
God Bless,