With all the recent recovery setbacks that are being discussed on this forum, I am beginning to wonder if a Plan B letter is even necessary. I'm not questioning Plan B, only the letter. Why not go into Plan B without the letter? Will a WS view the letter as needy or even weak?

I'm really sad to hear the recent setbacks from people who I admire including 2long, bob pure, plank and mortarman. I know there are plenty of recent success stories including the remarkable progress dazed has made and even StillHerMakingIt WH's long hourney out of the fog, but when the BS who have fought hard and became incredibley insigtful start to loose the fight...it's disheartening.

It just goes to show that even in recovery, there exists that rollercoaster.....and it sometimes takes a long, long time!!!

The Plan B letter is very important because it outlines a clear path back that even a foggy WS cannot forget or misunderstand. They often read the letters over and over again we find out later. A good letter is not needy or weak, but it eliminates the possibility that the WS feels PUNISHED.

Of course a Plan B letter is not "necessary."

For that matter Plan B is not necessary.

But both Plan B and a letter to kick it off make a heck of a lot of sense, IMHO.

The way I look at it is that simply writing the Plan B letter is healthy for the BS. It provides a pause in the drama that allows the BS to put themselves first for a change and collect their senses and archive their thoughts. You can't do this with a phone call or face-to-face verbal exchange with the alien.

Secondly, the Plan B letter is a tangible record for both the BS and WS. Something to refer to multiple times. Not only for the worth of the emotional communication desiring marital recovery, but for stating the conditions for it as well.

Finally, the letter gives the BS a better sense of taking back control. It's written down. It states loudly and clearly that you, WS, decided to separate from the marriage. Now I'm deciding to STAY separated until my terms are met.

JMHO

What Mel said!

Hope...I concur...She needs a letter....

Just having doubts this morning so thanks for putting me back on track. The letter is complete and I will send it after she leaves...hopefully very soon.

Sendme, I just re-read you story (again) and can't believe you are where you are! You didn't send your W a Plan B letter because you didn't know about MB at the time, but you seemed to incorporate Plan A and B at times after your D. Do you think if would have been more effective to have gone exclusively with a very dark Plan B instead a mixture of the two?

Hi HTW,

I think a plan B letter is important. It leaves no loose ends to be manipulated. In an emotional conversation I know that I can easily forget to say something I had planned to say and my WH is a champion at twisting my words ( he could do that with a letter as well but not as easily).

It also eliminates the temptation of BS to clarify things w/WS to help ensure a DARK plan B.

I will have to re-do my plan B letter. Hopefully I'll get the chance to plan B BEFORE plan D...but who knows. I sometimes wonder what I am holding on for.

C42, Mortarman likened the BS love for the WS to a car battery. The power may be very low, but once it gets a boost it comes back quickly.

If your WH ever does defog before you D, you want to be able to recharge your battery!

Our battery are almost dead, so it's important we guard or remaining love for the WS as SH says.

Hope...I sent a LOT of letters to my W (hatever...now she is my FWW, she used to be my FwXW...) before and after our D but never one outlining a plan B. I just went DARK...as a means to survive. I wrote to her previously because it was the best way for me to communicate without getting emotional.

I was unaware of Plan A and Plan B at that time. I was doing things that resembled Plan A but I'd lapse into a rage as I became a doormat. Remember, she was not engaged in an affair at that time. It was long over. So what I was trying to do was meet EN's. She met NONE of mine...

After D and rumors of her PA came to light, her office romance with that [censored] from her office coming too light, and her total disregard for me and my feelings I had no choice but to "disengage" her (my IC words). That was Plan B. This was a woman who would call me when our children misbehaved, like I could do something. This was teh woman FURIOUS I was dating (WE WERE DIVORCED 8 MONTHS!!)...I was going crazy...so I went dark...AND IT WAS BETTER FOR ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! Keep saying it Hope....

A result of it she noticed teh changes in me. They were attractive to her....and well, the story is there...and it was hard...it still is...I read Bob Pure's stuff teh other day and the guy has nailed it....He speaks for many of us...

So Hope....This is your last chance to tell her your boundary. Write it out so she can read it...and begin looking out for #1....YOU....

As always...I wish you the best...

How did she notice the changes when you are dark or is it the fact that you can remain dark attractive?

As for bob pure, he can articulate things that I don't even know I'm feeling or thinking. The guy is good and I love reading his stuff cause it hit home!

Hope this works,

No it is not necessary and an improper, long, poorly worded letter is worse than not sending one at all.

I believe that a Plan B letter should consist of 3-4 sentences

"I love you. I won't share you. When you feel the same, contact me. Until then I do not want to communicate with you in any manner."

One more line can be added to accomodate the children, if any.

Hope this works,

Darkness is THE most powerful tool that a BS has, bar none

When I was getting better with me....the darkness faded, she could no longer effect me, what she did, what she said had no impact on me. She could only get me angry in one way and when she did I was very matter of fact. Hope, I sent you the e-mail I sent her. She decided it was OK to have this guy from her office, who my sons knew as a family friend, over to the house when they were there. My anger was not what she was doing with him but with my children. However...that anger was the moon moving from the face of the sun and the eclipse was ending for her...because it opened a dialog with her. It took a few more months for her to see me differently. I was unapologetic regarding my girlfriend, what I did when I had my boys, etc. She had ZERO control...and I was pretty happy...and happiness, like depression shows on you...they notice the changes...during and as you're coming out of the dark...you just don't care at that point...cause it isn't about them...

Make sense?

Cym, my letter is fairly long and I have been trying to shorten it a little. Some might consider it a bit mushy and that is the part that is starting to bother me since it looks weak. I will post it just before I send it to get some last minute input.

Sendme, what you say makes sense, however on the drive home I was thinking about what you said pertaining to "coming out of the dark". How do you come out of the dark when in Plan B or are you suggesting coming out if the WS makes an overture towards reconciliation as happened in your case?

BTW, I asked my WW when I can expect the LS papers and she told me "shortly" and that if I'm in such a rush I should get them drawn up by my lawyer. I think she is stalling so she doesn't have to live as long with her parents or she is short on money to pay her lawyer.

I've noticed her distancing herself from me even more over the last week which I didn't think was possible so I got a feeling the papers are close to arriving. Is this typical WS behaviour as they perpare to have LS or D sent to the BS?

Cy:

You deserve a medal for the shortest plan B letter that makes all the points! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HTW:

I don't think a plan B letter is necessary except on one condition: The BS wants the M.

In my own sitch, I've been all over the map. When I SHOULD have used plan B, I was in no "condition" 2 do so - I was in a BS fog. I was in love with my W, but I didn't really know who she was.

Now, I love my W, but you know? I'm not currently in love with her. That sounds like the WS cliche, doesn't it? It's "true" then, 2, but it's also true that the WS is in love with the OP, but does not love them.

Anyway, all without a formal plan for recovery, we're doing pretty well. *I* am doing very well, possibly approaching great, because any setback that might occur at this point in time would not phase me - I'd simply file and move happily on. I wouldn't be hurt by my W's actions, because I'm not attached 2 her and don't derive my sense of self from anything she says or does. And so I wouldn't need a plan B letter because I wouldn't need 2 go dark 2 protect myself or my love for my W.

I am *being*. Not just existing, either. It's a great way 2 live.

-ol' 2long

HTW:

I will be brief but honest with you (would you expect anything less?).

I think a long letter is weak, and needy and NOT necessary. I am in agreement with Cymanca.....short, to the point, and with NO CHANCE FOR CONFUSION.

Your still worried about this. Your still afraid of Plan B...I can almost sense it. A long letter is only your way of prolonging what really must be done (for you to have a chance at recovery).

Don't get caught up in all of the words.....SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY !! A long empassioned "I love you" is NOT going to work. Your feeling that it is weak, because it is....

Stop looking for excuses to do what you know in your heart of hearts must be done.

You may give her the letter and she may say "the he** with this, and offically divorce you"....or she may glean some respect for you through her fog and see that you have enough self integrity and self love to stand up for yourself.....either way, you can't lose AGAIN what you have already lost (a faitful loving marriage).....you can only GAIN it back...so, either do what you need to do (Hardcore Plan B with a Plan B letter that shortly and sweetly spells out what must be done to regain communication/recovery initiation), or prolong the inievitable and go deeper into the debt of love you have for your wife.

Pretty clear cut if you ask me.

I don't think you asked this question because you question the need for the letter. You have been here long enough to know the how's and why's of the letter...this has more to do with your own fear that she may not really give a $hit about it and divorce you anyways. I get you and understand that. I really understand your almost unnerving fear about this.

However....the life you have been living canNOT be mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy for you and your children.

In my years as a physician, I have seen the human body and mind absorb large amounts of nearly intolerable suffering...and learn to live with it. That is NOT always a good thing. I do NOT think it is in your case.

Just my opinions. Take em or leave em.


Lem

Hope...what LM said...x2!

Look...when I came out of the dark there was no plan...to reconcile, it was not even a goal. I did not get why she was so unhappy...she got everything she wanted, divorce, kids, house, support (she never needed , that was to bust my hoots). I did not really indicate anything to her...

So what happened was I began to examine my position shortly after we separated...that "the door was always open"...as I examined that position I realized I should not be in a serious relationship with another person...so I began to break that relationship off...I had to because I was confused and after all that ugliness still wondered...but to myself...she never really knew that..when we did reconcile, it happened like a bolt of lightning...so DO NOT THINK IT WILL HAPPEN!! I TOLD YOU IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN!! Don't plan it or think it...I had accepted what was real...and reality was we were divorced...and she was still unhappy...must be I was not the source of her miserableness but it was HER!!!

as always stay safe!! Drop me a line!!

I'll help you draft that letter but Cym's is about hwere I'd go to...you have been left dangling in your dungeon too long..probably spelled that wrong but I got to hit the gym!!

2long, a few months ago I wanted the M in any form it would come to me just as long as my WW was part of it. Now I want a GREAT M and will not accept anything less from my WW or anyone else for that matter.

Coming out of the BS fog has really started to open my eyes and allowed me begin to see who my WW really is. I wouldn't have understood this statement a few months ago, but I know what you mean by this now.

I'm not there YET although I kind of understand what you are saying here. I find that her words and actions don't sting like they used to. I was in a VERY ugly place a few months ago and now I have changed so much. It's like a new birth for me where I'm not always worried about what my WW will think or say. I'm doing things for ME now and have promised myself that I will NEVER let anyone take me back to the abbyss...ever!

I understand this since I've "existed" for much 2long...it is time to be!

lem, good to see you posting again and your advice as ALWAYS welcome. Yes, I'm starting to lean towards a shorter letter since I'm tired of feeling week and needy in my WW eyes. I look back to before we met and I was a different person then...more idependent, more secure of myself, more stronger. Something happened over the course of our M where I just "existed" as 2long put it.

lem, I am still slightly afraid of Plan B though no where near as scared as I was a few months ago...honestly.

I'm tired of feeling weak!

Yes, this is the last "hope" at recovering my M so I do have my doubts on how to proceed. This could be the prelude to D and that kind of scares me. It's a big step and I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing by going DARK.

Absolutely TRUE!

Sendme, I guess this is what makes Plan B so effective in that it allows you to withdraw from your WS and ACCEPT the M may never recover. IT will probably make more sense to me once I'm in Plan B.

The one thing I'm looking forward to by going into Plan B is to remove myself from her underlying anger towards me. As I've said many times, living with someone who doesn't love you is lonlier than being alone. I'm tired of that feeling.

Thanks guys, this really helped!

Couldn't have said it better myself!!!!! Take back YOU, Hope....and give yourself back to those who accept YOU!!! It's a powerful healing tool.

MWIL