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Joined: Apr 2006
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i have been married for 11 years we have 4 kids together. recently he has become so controlling.he wants to know where i am going with who what time ill be back thats fine if he is concern bout my safety but to add on comments of you going out to cheat or yougoing out to get drunk makes things bad for me all i want to do is go out to a friends house or go visit family without him thinking im doing something against this marriage.i ahve never cheated on him i have always just went to work and back home when i am off i dont go anywhere because he thinks im doing wrong.we havent had sex in bout 6 months im just turned off by his untrue comments dont know what to do i want out but its hard cause of the four kids when he is not around me i am happy in my presence i feel like i have to watch what i say or do cause he will criticize me im not agood parent cause i work all the time im home when kids are at school work when they get home but i do spend time with them when im off still i get off at 11pm come home check homework get out school clothes then get them up in the morning for school if thats not good parents then what is even after working late any advice anyone
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Welcome, Jo, to a MarriageBuilders site...we come here and learn how to build marriages, really great ones...so I don't think a poll about leaving a marriage will get much traffic.
Have you read all the articles in the links to the right of your screen? Maybe it will give you a new paradigm for what marriage can be.
A sure sign something is wrong in our marriage is your H's distrust...most likely a sign he is cheating.
That's not why you feel smothered. Of feel better when he's not in your presence. Half of the marriage is you...your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. And they're yours. You have total control over them...no one else does.
Have you considered individual counseling (IC) and/or marital counseling (MC)?
LA
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Joined: Apr 2006
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Joined: Apr 2006
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thanks for the insight and yes we have tried counseling but he always throws the blame on me for our troubles
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Posts: 8,970 |
Have you tried removing blame from your marriage?
LA
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Joined: Apr 2006
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Posts: 8,970 |
When you inject respect and choose not to see, feel, take or place blame, you are embracing the reality of being human in a human marriage.
You have to replace the belief that your H can do things to you...make you angry, fearful, joyful, happy, sad...and this is simple but by no means, easy.
You are human and have natural limits. You can only control yourself...you are not the cause, control or cure for anyone else. You have your thoughts, feeling and beliefs...and they are yours alone.
Your emotions, inside you, come from your own beliefs, not your H. Same for him. This is the respectful state we were made in, live in, though we can choose to see reality in a wholly different way--doesn't make it true for humans.
May feel like it.
By knowing where you end and he begins, you can see where you are choosing your life...like your jobs, schedules, and how you take offense...when you could leave it where it belongs, in your H's beliefs. They are his.
You both feel attacked and controlled, hearing each other say you aren't enough, not safe, not faithful...and I do believe you should take your focus off him and onto you alone, to stop this automatic dance.
And now I will seemingly contradict myself by saying for you to find out if he's having an emotional affair or a physical one. This is still information for you, but it can appear to be about him.
I ask you to find out not to decide to leave or not, but to find the truth of what is happening in your marriage. You have to get your own truth within you, but knowing reality as you have not seen it before, is important.
And you have the power, the God-given choice, of how you hear things said by anyone.
"You are sleeping around! I know it! You don't love me or care about me." (this is abusive because it tells you what you are doing and defining you, and God only gave you that truth)...
Choose to hear "I fear you abandoning me, discarding me because I crave your attention and there's no time for it. Your choices tell me I'm worthless, and I have always believed this about myself until you loved me, and I didn't feel worthless anymore. I feel unloved now, and believe you're doing that to me. I'm afraid."
See...no blame in your actions or words...it's not really in your marriage, we put it there when we don't own what is ours, but are busy owning what isn't.
You are not crazy, horrible, bad, wrong or a mistake. You are fully human, with limits and power. You've just been stepping over it...I would love for you to find those two things, your human limit and power, as I did. This is what we call working on ourselves...before breaking apart our marriages...you convey you feel you have no other choice. That is the signal to yourself that you aren't seeing a thousand choices in between.
Take hope...chanigng you changes everything.
LA
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Joined: Apr 2006
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that was a great post my real problem is that he feels like married people should not have friends unles they are married friends or they go to church and have God in their life everyone has a little God he says im a bad parent if im out here smoking cigarettes or wanting to go hang out with friends ocassionally all i do is work and come back home he wants to control my every move we dont have sex anymore hug touch or have any physical contact my soul and heart is numb cause he dont trust and accuses me of things i know i dont do and it hurts
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Your real problem is a controlling H? He's asking you to respect the boundaries of marriage...reasonable respect...not to have unmarried friends...as he fears others coming in and wrecking his marriage. His fear is as valid as yours. That's not controlling.
Him defining you as a bad parent is abusive. He has his own issues...he fears greatly. You fear greatly. You are responsible for facing your fears yourself.
You are choosing the perspective that all you do is work and come home...those are your choices. You are choosing to respect the boundaries of marriage that limits independent behavior. What you aren't choosing is to work on why you aren't affectionate, ask for SF, and state your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, to be honest with yourself and your H.
Counseling would be a great benefit to reconnect your H and you, into the marriage.
Communicationn exercises, 15 hours of undivided attention--following Harley's suggestions and the rules of marriage; seeing your power in your choices and owning them. Then you will know you cannot be controlled. You can be abused and abuse others...you can only control yourself. Your H can only control himself.
God's design.
Your pain is valid. You feel it. Your numb heart is yours, as is your soul. His accusations cannot hurt you unless you rely on him to tell you who you are. Your choice to do that, not his. Tell me, did you investigate him having an A?
If you are longing to run...to spend time away to ease your life at home, then you are setting yourself up to pull your marriage apart. That longing to run is normal--not defective or bad. It is a signal that you believe you are being done to by others...and you don't see what you are choosing to do anymore.
LA
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