For those of us that have been separated a long time, with spouses undergoing an active affair and periodically threatening divorce, it seems that the "mixed message" is unavoidable. I'm hoping I can get some guidance on how to deliver the next one without creating confusion and anger.<P>By the "mixed message", I mean the combined "I love you and intend to work through the issues to save our marriage. My love is unconditional.", with "I need to rebuild my life, secure my financial future, and place my needs and the children's needs first". This line is hard to draw and easy to misinterpret (I have already been accused of "saying one thing and doing another".)<P>Anyway, I am following the advice I got here about two weeks ago to file a child support order with the county DA's office. I am doing this after calmly and rationally discussing this with my husband and showing him the detailed legal data and calculations I had put together. He is underpaying me by $800 a month and has not reimbursed me $650 for his car insurance from last month (he said he would and I have asked twice). I suggested that one way that he could reduce the amount owed, while simultaneously building a better relationship with the children, is to take them more often (I have 95% custody). He said he would "think about it" (that means no). He also said he would "get back to me" (which he hasn't). It has been two weeks. We've been separated a year. I should also add that I feel like I'm becoming a collection agency, bugging him every month for his late payments. I don't like that position and can't see how it's a good thing for our relationship.<P>So, I see three possible approaches. 1)continue to follow-up (aka nag) and try to get him to respond, 2) drop the issue, or 3) file the legal order and inform him that I've done so. FYI, I also checked with the DA to see if I could ignore the issue for now and get adjustments back to the separation date if we ever divorce, in which case I would defer this issue. I was informed that enforcement can only occur back to the date of the support order, not the separation date. So, we're talking material money that I cannot ever get back. On the other hand, we're not starving but I am dipping into savings to pay our living expenses.<P>The paperwork will be arriving shortly. Under the circumstances, I think I have to file the order. The DA's office will be contacting him after I initiate the case to provide information for the order. If he doesn't respond (his responsiveness track record this last year is horrendous), they send a marshall to serve him. This will be ugly and confrontational.<P>So, how do you recommend I approach this problem? In person, e-mail, phone, not at all? I mean, I have talked to him about it. Should I send him a quick note to let him know I've done this and why? Ugh. I'm a bit afraid that this action could provoke him to actually do the filing he's threatened (raises likelihood from 1% to 25% in my opinion).<P>It has also occurred to me that husband could be trying to use this issue as the final straw in getting me to do the divorce filing (half the time I think that's his goal, the other half I think he's really confused). Getting the support order, which includes wage garnishment, removes this as an ongoing issue.<P>Any suggestions?

You can ask for a time for a face to face discussion.<P>Tell him what you are considering doing, and ask him by what deadline would he like you to finally do this. (He is part of the decision that way.) The other thing that you could do, is remind him that you are doing this for your family, not because he is being punished, and you want to be clear that this isn't because you don't want your marriage to work, but because you need the money and are concerned about you and the children's financial future and living standards.<P>I think this is your only option. Maybe someone else has a better idea?<P>TNT

Distressed-<BR>I understand your conflict. You have been very patient and rational. Maybe he doesn't understand that what you are trying to do is for your children's benefit. No matter what happens to your marriage, they are still his children, right?<P>You even offered him an alternative w/increased custody/visitation. Seems like the legal course is the only viable option if he is not willing to respond, let alone negotiate with you.<P>Good Luck.

Thank you for the input. I feel like I'm in no-man's land. Whatever I do, I lose.<P>I gave my husband and son a great gift this weekend - a white water rafting trip. I'm flying them to a city, made all the reservations (hotel & air), and sending them off tomorrow. I feel like I should be making huge deposits in his lovebank for recreational companionship and finally, after one year, he has stopped rejecting what I give and actually thanks me/ appreciates it. I also wrote a really nice note that I'll put in my son's bags about "the things I love about you".<P>When we're together, we have a great time. We laugh, he's responsive, he helps out, it's fun. But then he's gone. And whenever I do finally talk about serious subjects or the dreaded "our relationship" (perhaps once every two - three months, always with advance notice and by appointment), I only get negative or non-responsive verbal feedback. "My feelings haven't changed, I'm still seeing xxx, I don't trust you (amazing!)", "I'll think about it", "I wasn't prepared to discuss that".<P>The paperwork is on the way. I think I'll hold off another two weeks or so and see how he reacts after the trip and after seeing that note. The child support order is definitely a mixed message. But how long am I supposed to live in a world where nothing gets decided?<BR>

No answers, but sympathy from my end. I also think financial matters should go back to the date of separation. It feels like I'm being punished for giving him all the time and space he said he wanted. I would have been better off financially just to divorce him right away. <P>We can get too hung up on thinking we have some control over this process ("If I do this, he'll think this..." and so forth). Do what you need to do for yourself and your kids. Give him plenty of notice of your intentions. Keep him informed and invite him to participate in the process. When all is said and done, your marriage does not hinge on this one thing. I think you should go ahead with the support filing. <p>[This message has been edited by Animac (edited October 01, 1999).]