Well I must say with going through a divorce which still isn't over I have done a lot of changing. The way I think the way I act even my confidence. I do all that I can for my STBXW but have to say that it doesn't feel appreciated. I pay rent somewhere I also pay the mortgage still plus I go and give her between 200 and 300 a week for food. When she calls me its mostly to say hey this needs to get paid. So then I call up and pay it. I work 7 days a week I make good money but there are so many things to pay for that I really have no choice.

I have 3 kids which mean everything to me. I always had hope of reconciling with my wife but after I had left by her request a week or so later I stopped by in the morning and she was lying on the couch sleeping downstairs with another guy. I lifted the blankets and she had no clothes on she still denies it but I know what I saw. This was about a month or so ago. Things have gotten better i've learned to put my emotions aside for the kids which has made the situation much better.


I went over there today to spend time with the kids before I went to work and the house was a mess dishes piled up toys and clothes everywhere. So what did I do I did the dishes for her I cleaned up a bit took the kids outside and played with them. I must say after I did that the mood just totally changed and it was almost like she was looking at me thinking is this for real have you been changing this much why couldn't you do that stuff on your own when we were together. She didn't say that but it was almost the looks she was giving me was saying it.


I know that when we were together I didn't do nearly enough was not motivated to do things and wouldn't talk. Only show attention when I wanted affection and when I didn't then I didn't want to be bothered. I fell short on a lot of emotional needs and wish I would of made a better go at it. I love my wife dearly and i'm still very much in love with her but I can't get that picture out of my head of her on the couch. These are friends of hers that spend time at the house and with her. For me I won't even go there if they are going to be there. So I think to myself how in the world would this ever work again when she doesn't think she did anything wrong and most likely will not give up these two friends. I would never be able to go back if they were going to stay friends in her life. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear it. I'm 24 my wife is 31 been married almost 3 years and can't say we have ever really had a great marriage. Can it ever be good? She thinks she has done everything to try and make it good but I still feel like she didn't meet a lot of my needs. i'm just so confused and most days i'm fine but then I have my periods through the day where i'm just so damn depressed. Sorry this is so long but thank you for reading and hope to hear some responces.

Keep on doing things that make her feel appreciated/respected but don't have expectations.

If she chooses the friends over you, that is her choice. But, meanwhile, maybe you have the chance to do a sort-of Plan A.

I don't know.

How can you make deposits in her lovebank?

Thank you for the reply. A little update since yesterday morning. My wife called me before I got out of work to find out what time I get out so I told her and asked why she was wondering hoping a hint and for her to say cause I want to see you. So she asked me how come I never really talk so I told her i'm very scared to say my feelings and get rejected. I said I will say that I miss you though. She called me back and said well you could come over after work and see the kids before they go to bed. Of course I said yes. I went over spent a bit with the kids put them to bed and sat around for about 10 minutes and said ok well i'm going to go to my apartment so I can go to sleep and come back in the morning. I didn't want to leave so I came back in the living room to grab one of the kids cups and kind of grinned flirting with her which worked really well.

Said sorry I had to find some reason to come back in here she laughed I laughed and was like get over here and sit down. So another 25 minutes goes by and i'm like ok its getting late I need to leave and she says but I don't want you to leave so I stayed. We didn't sleep together but I did get to wake up with my kids this morning and make breakfast for them and take them to the park before I had to go to work. Had a really good talk with my wife last night about all the stuff I have read on this site and in books which she was really impressed that I am thinking the way that I am. That I realize all the things that I did and didn't do while we were together like meet needs like conversation or making her feel special and that i'm learning how to meet those and that those habits are going to be habits that I work on everyday.

I had a great day with them today and a nice long hug with my wife before I left. I then was talking to her on the phone and telling her that my hope for us has gotten very strong and told her I know that we would have a lot of work but there were things that I needed if it was going to work and I know there are things that she needs. So I told her things that I need which is both of us in IC both of us in MC once a week. I wanted to find a marriage weekend retreat to go to. That I wanted our night outs to consist not of going to the bar and playing pool but to be dates of going out to dinner and a movie or going to a book store but I wanted bars completely out of our lives. I also told her that I would need the person I saw her on the couch with to be completely out of her life with no contact and she agreed. My hope is there I am continuing the basics from this site and taking it one day at a time. I know that with hard work on both parts we can have the relationship that we should of always had. Crappy things have happened all through our marriage but I think if we both work on it all of those things can be erased and we can start off with the healthy kind relationship that we should of had from the beginning.

People tell me just be careful or don't go back but the truth is this is my wife this is the woman I love and I married her for a reason. It stinks it has taken all of this for me to realize the things I need to change and do and not do and to learn that when i'm feeling something or thinking something that I need to say it and communicate it because that is one of her biggest emotional needs and I failed miserably to meet it. She feels that I was always against her with things or wouldn't speak up for her which she is right. I will never make that mistake again. I will show her everyday just how much I appreciate her and love her and how special she is and I know in doing that I will get it back in return. I know that the reason my needs weren't met is because we passed the first stage and went to the confrontation stage and then went to the withdrawl stage. I am determined to get us to the first stage of the intamacy stage and keep it there. It sometimes really does take to lose everything to realise what you had and what you took forgranted. I may only be 24 but i've done more growing up recently than ever before.


I thank this site because I read on this site about 2-3 hours a day which helps me stay in the mindset I need to make a good relationship. So thank you to everyone that posts and that reads I wouldn't be able to have this hope if it wasn't for that.

~Bryan

Another little update. Stayed there again had a talk last night and she is still very upset but I cannot blame her. With not treating her like I should have for a couple years she really still has a lot of resentment. I asked her for another chance to prove to her that our marriage could be better than either of had ever expected she is just unsure. She is unsure if she is going to take down that wall and let it happen. I'm trying not to push that because I believe as long as i'm truthful and show her how I really feel that that wall will just come down.

I guess I have to look at the fact she is letting me be around as a really good sign. She see's the kids happier than they have been in a while but she is really scared to take that chance again because she is afraid of me going back to old ways and just not really showing I care. I have said all I can say about that I am not going back to old ways but when the trust is gone like that all I can do is show her actions and the trust will follow. I really think there is hope here I just want a second chance to prove to her that I do love her and I do want to make her really happy.

Bryan, Just a suggestion... since you're interested in recovering your marriage, why not post your story on GQII, since it's a lot busier and you'll probably get more responses than on Divorcing/Divorced.