After 6 months of suspicion I found physical evidence that my husband has been having an affair (for over 2 years). When I confronted him he said it lasted only 5/6 months 2 years ago. That fits in with the evidence I have. However, 2 weeks after the confrontation I saw an e-greeting receipt in his e-mail inbox (by accident/coincidence). Even though I told him I did not read it, I did. He's still having the affair & he denies it. BUT, we have each since gone to one individual counseling session & we've discussed eventually going to marriage counseling. He's affectionate, attentive, complimentary, and provides his daily schedule to me. He admits that the e-greeting was "a big mistake," and that she did not respond, nor have they been in contact since he sent the e-greeting. But, I don't know. The e-greeting and the other evidence were so passionate that I don't believe him. I am so sad & heart broken. Am I a fool too? Is it possible for someone to love two people?

2 years ago - began to think WS was depressed, didn't suspect affair.
7 months ago - began to suspect EA.
4 weeks ago - discovered an old e-mail attachment going back to 6/04 that revealed PA. Confronted WH & he said it only lasted 5/6 months and no longer happening.
2 weeks ago - discovered e-greeting which reveals PA still ongoing.
last week - we each had one session of IC

Married 27 years marriage next month
1 son - 25
1 daughter - 21

You're in the right place, G2K,

I like your time summary addition, too. Thank you.

Now, who is this OW and is she married? Have you exposed to her H? At his work? Have you exposed to his family and yours?

Have you read all the articles here on relationships--Love Bank, Love Busters, Emotional Needs...how to recover from infidelity? Plan A and Plan B?

We know your heart break, anger, frustration, devastation...we really do. We've been there and done that...The great news is that there is recovery...and the plus is you can have an even better marriage afterwards by learning about the four rules of marriage...and a lot of other stuff here.

It is a marvelous website. First thing...get "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs." Also, "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder is really good, too.

You need to be tested for STDs...and talk to your WH about not exposing yourself to diseases, tell him what you have to do and that he will also, for your health. Find out all you can about OW (other woman) and expose to everyone, preferably, same day.

These aren't revenge tactics...they are truths unleashed. Natural consequences and logical ones. Plan A describes how you review yourself, your beliefs and actions in the marriage...eliminate Love Busters, look at Emotional Needs and what yours are and what his are (sometimes in long marriages, they seem to become the same when they really aren't)...and pat yourself mightily on the back for being here.

You're brave and true, G2K...that's a great start. Welcome!

LA

I met the OW 7 1/2 years ago when I gave my WH a birthday party. They used to work together. She was married then with 2 young boys. Anyway, since all of this I've asked my WH if she is still married. He says he doesn't know. ;-(
I have sent her an e-mail to let her know that her relationship with my WH is not okay & that I love him & that we are working on our M. Both our kids know; that's it. I'm so embarrassed. Too embarrassed to share with other family and friends. I'm a very private person anyway. My kids only know because my daughter is the one that found the e-mail attachment document on an old lap top. Yes, very very ugly, as you can imagine.
Thank you for your post & support.

Good2know,

Sounds like it is probably going on. Have you insisted that the A end and a NC go out to the OP? Sounds like typical A talk from your WH, they all usual try to cover it up. It also sounds like your WH is a cake-eater and wants both of you (also typical). Have you read HN/HN yet? You may want to try to figure out what needs she is meeting and what ones you are, as well as let your WH know what your needs are. I would suggest to read everything you can get your hands on as far a A's go and develope a plan for recovery, if that is what you want. Then explain this to WH and see what his reaction is. You are early in recovery, I am sorry that you are here now but glad you found the forum.

You will get much needed support here, good luck!

G2K,

You may be a private person, but your WH made your marriage public...he went to a third party and brought her into the marriage. If you want to deal with truth, real truth, in your marriage, you must be willing to put it in the light where it is seen. Sending her an email says that you are everything he most likely said you were...bitter, angry, possessive, controlling...there is a list WS's read from...and her H is as victimized as you are.

It is your H who writes the no contact letter, saying he knows that what he did was grievously wrong, that he loves you and did not love her; that he is committed to you and his family and will tolerate no contact in any form from her again.

There is no shame for you in exposure...it states your strength, your knowledge and your desire to end the affair and save your marriage. It is courageous and true...when you stay private, you help cover up for them, enabling them to continue, to lie and conceal...makes you a party to it. Your WH isn't himself...his choices are his, coming from a mind full of resentment and anger. This is your beacon home, along with all the other steps of Plan A...and you knowing your own power in your choices, your bravery, separate from what he does.

Your support from friends and family is very important. If he were a drug addict, would you feel embarrassment? Like you made him defective? Sounds unreasonable...feelings can be. They come from our beliefs...and your wanting private to stay private may give you the feeling of protection, when it is actually making you more vulnerable to the A continuing and losing your marriage.

Do not ask your WH for information---find out on your own. You are resourceful, smart and it is important you establish that you can find out truth. Asking WS's for truth is like demanding rain in a drought...there's no water there. No truth in him. In order to choose an A, you have to lie long and hard to yourself and others. Honesty returns slowly, as the WS becomes your H again...you'll recognize him...because you can't recognize him now.

Expose to her family, work...and the rest...God may be reaching for you to show you how much you are loved and cared for when you believed otherwise...and surprised how many others have been in your shoes and not told you before.

His choice is not a reflection on you--what is your responsibility is to demonstrate to your kids how you honor your marriage by exposing, examining and determining your life.

In your corner,

LA

nabohio & LovingAnyway,
Thank you for your replies & support. You are both comforting.

There's a lot of varying opinions about contacting OWH. I don't know if they're still together anyway. Can't find a listing in phone directory. Does anyone have advice on how to do this?

I don't know where OW works now either. I know her phone number, but it just leaves her name, no company. It's a cell phone number also.

Also, a few days after D-day I gave WH a copy of "Infidelity Crisis" by Katie Coston. He read it and we talked briefly about a "no contact letter". Also, I've read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, PHD. In her book she says the same thing. I told WH this. At that time he said he wanted to go to IC first before he did anything; we haven't brought it up again. But, I'm going to do so. We've only gone to 1 IC each. I go this Friday and he goes next week.