I'm new to this website. Posting a SOS message for help in my darkest hours

I first discovered my husband has affair almost 1 year ago. He lightened the matter, treated me extra nice, almost courtship-like & promised me it ended. We just moved on and I started to believe it was truly over. Then I found out they are still on!

He simply couldnt break away, like an alcoholic cant break free from the bondage of his addiction. I am dying for a closure, be it stay or leave. He appears to want same too.

And he suggested we do a self-imposed trial separation. He claims his objective is to not see kids & I so he can feel he misses us. He claims he has the vision of the end result of the trial...... a sweet reunion of the family, one in which he chooses on his own accord (not compelled by marriage vows, duty or responsibility). During trial, while he stays out, ideally there's no contact, he has total freedom to do what he wants (obviously with her). He hopes to see the kids & my sorrows & tears with every smile & laughter he shares with her.

I've calmly shared with him my feelings of misery & torment when he's not with me, the anxiety I feel from not knowing if he's with her or not. But he still cant feel my pain and has to have trial to hopefully have the pain [censored] him. I dont understand him & feel he's totally coldblooded!

On a more rational note, I feel he has succumbed to withdrawal symptoms while trying to break with her in the last year. It's almost like he's trying to feel withdrawal sypmtoms from not seeing the family for a while. Will it really work, when she & not the family is his addiction?
This is the 1st question I seek your advice.

But then, he could also have requested for the trial as he resents being under the microscope & watched over like a hawk the last few months following the 2nd discovery. The loss of freedom is killing him & he seems willing to do anything to rid it. Cant say he will do anything to save the marriage though (even though he has refused divorce all this while). The trial could be delay technique also. He could be simply doing a sales job on me, selling me an idea that suits him. I need to protect myself & must be skeptical of his requests & intentions.

The 2nd question is :- while other cheating husbands are cold to their wives & kids, lose interest in sex & all, mine successfully led a double for more than 2 years. It wasnt a sexless marriage (though on hindsight, I realise the passion is lacking most of the time)! Is a person capable of loving 2 persons at one time?

Throughout the affair and after both the 1st & 2nd discovery, we continued to have sex! Isnt this insane? And he also treated me civilly & affectionately. These were of course during times when I was not in one of my stormy moods when I was overwhelmed with memories of details of the affairs. During these stormy times, I'm like a mad woman. But I must admit there were times even when I was calm & collected that he did appear distant & indifferent though. Guess these must be times he was thinking of her!

I'm so lost & confused & exhausted. Pls help enlighten me & help me make some sense of some stuff. I need to live on no matter what the outcome is. I cant just exist with all these unanswered questions, life has lost its meaning.

Thanks to whoever is able & willing to help shed some light in my dark world.

endofworld

Me (BW)
Married to WH 16 yrs, together 20 yrs
3 kids, DSS, 14,11,2
D-day June 05, Jan 06

I am not at good state to give advice, nor am I good with words, as I am as well in pain from infidelity.

This is a great place where you'll find very kind people willing to help and give you the good advice. Maybe if you post under the General Questions you will get support faster, as there's much more people there.

The only advise I can offer is: Read all MB site. And, a question as this in my understanding of MB principals is a major factor to recovery. Have you already exposed the affair? The "Other Women" (OW) is married?

The first thing right now is to end the affair, Exposing is you best "weapon" do do it.

I don't really think it's a good idea for him to leave the house.

Can you take him to read this site? Get him to know MB principals? That would be nice.

Hang in there, people here understand what you're going thru and can help you.

Thanks for extending out your helping hand. I will contact administrator to move post to Gen Questions. Hopefully can get more enlightenment. So in need now.

Yes, it's exactly after reading MB websites that I plucked up courage to post my prob. As I read, I suddenly found strength & a goal to work towards. Instead of asking 'why me?', I start to feel a tinge of sorry for WH. That he's 'sick' with addiction and that I should not give up so easily but should stick by him in sickness & in health as in the marriage vows.

OW is married to divorcee but now is separated as she cheated on him (with someone else even before WH). Refrain from judging but do feel that I am up against a pro who's been there, done it! OW is viewed as angelic to BS.... unconditional, inspirational & support in workplace,

Additionally, it does appear to me that OW has been intentionally providing evidence for me.... shopping receipts, hotel receipts, ......... short of videos or pictures. OW intent seems very clear to me. OW is painfully aware that BS will not desert the kids, basically the family as a unit. Appears like OW is working on me to exit and instigating me to do so with the kids.

Yes, A has been exposed. Even met with OW (3 of us) briefly. But OW still has conscience not to exit, knowing there are 3 kids involved.

Yes, I felt so uplifted by reading MB sites that I did think about asking BS to check it out. Except not sure if BS is ready to be receptive to the numerous advices & encouragement.

Reading MB sites, I realise that BS is behaving most irrationally and that it's tough for me to try to make sense of things but I do need to make sense of some things (if not all) to keep sane.

The most confusing part is BS is still very thoughtful & fairly loving towards me when we are together. Yet at the same time, BS is still very much in contact with OW, practically talking on the phone daily & really not sure what else. BS is aware it torments me guessing if they are in contact & knowing they are still. Instead of reassuring me of our relationship, he's keeping mum about his daily activities outside home. That's where the torture is. But when with me, I feel reasonably loved with his affection. Makes no sense, unless BS is schizo! Or pathing the way for acceptance, tolerance & co-existence.

Questions questions questions....... so many questions and wonder the ordeal will be over.

endofworld

Hi,
I'm new too. I think it is an addiction. Your email really struck a chord with me because this is exactly how I feel right now. I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband had written to his lover (from a year ago) asking her if we had split up, if she would have wanted him. Pathetic, yes, childish, yes, hurtful, yes, yes, yes.
Does your husband still see this woman regularly? (mine still works with his) I think that this is prertty important. "Total separation" is supposed to be the only answer. I have called time on my marriage for now. I don't know how I feel (apart form nothing, I'm dead, anyone else get this?) and despite his promises of undying love (heard it all before, a year ago) have decided to shut him out for a while.
I think that some people just never get over the whole "grass could be greener" thing. They torture themselves (and others) searching for the next best thing instead of valuing and building on what they have.
I have had to accept this (kicking and screaming) and am now going to try on my own.
Don't think I'm not sad, I am, sometimes I have hours of uncontrollable sobbing, but I need to feel that I can cope alone.
Maybe you need to try this to. Let go of him. See how it feels. Does it feel? Or is it your pride, frustration and shame that really hurt?
Kate xxx

Hi Kate

Total separation indeed seems like the only way out. Per Dr Harley, it's total sep at all costs. Does that mean that the marriage is doomed if total sep is not a possibility? That there's no other way to salvage? Gloomy, isnt it? Mine case is tough cos they work together & are involved in projects together! Makes me feel like quitting & moving on with my own life and focus on the kids if there's no chance.

Letting go has been increasingly on my mind lately. As I find BS's irrational actions totally seflish & cruel. But then the kids...... and 20 years of companionship is not something one can easily grow out of (though BS seems to be able to do so)

Still searching for some sense of things

endofworld

End,

BS= Betrayed Spouse, WS=Wayward Spouse.

You indicated that you had already exposed the affair. Have you exposed to your family, your H's family, your friends, his employer, OW's Husband (they might not really be separated)?

If you didn't do this, that is part of why the affair never really ended. THey just got better at hiding it from you. Have you practiced a good plan A. If you have for the past year it may be time for plan B.

Good luck to you, we are here cheering you on!

Who

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

self-imposed separation to see if HE misses his own children !!!!!

are you serious?

and what if the children just might happen to NEED a father ????

say "NO" to this nonsense in the name of your children !!!

Instead propose this .... you seek a LEGAL separation and he PAYS child support ...

otherwise, you are just giving him a license to continue the affair ... just without having to bother with recognizing his FAMILY

Have you EXPOSED his affair?
to whom?

and by that I mean ... THIS time ... in other words ... call his parents, your parents ... and everyone else that you know who has a functioning moral compass and TELL them your husband wants to abandon his children for his affair

this is hilarious ~~~> " (not compelled by marriage vows, duty or responsibility)"

tell your H you only want a husband who IS compelled by those things ... because they are GOOD things

Pep

PS

how old are your children?

... and

the word "lover" in the thread title is offensive

you can edit the title ... go to your first post and hit edit ... and correctly call the person OW ... or something else non-romantic

Pep

Hi Who

Thanks for reaching out to me.

Exposed A is just me confronting H, meeting OW briefly together with H. A is no longer a secret but is open knowledge to the 3 of us.

And 2 of my 3 kids know too. 14, 11 & 2. On hindsight, I feel I did the most cruel thing any mum can possibly do...... to drag the 2 older kids along with me in my ordeal. I was simply insane when I did it. What to do? What's done's done, cant undo it. (We are married for 16 yrs, together for 20 years, I'm with H all of my adultlife)

Kids were there when I threatend D & boy how my 11 yr son cried & asked questions in the encounter! The question that hurts me most is "can i not tell my friends my parents are D? I will just tell them my dad is on overseas posting" My 14 yr old daughter sobbed silently and had much less to say except that they wont blame me regardless of my final decision. They knew I 1st found out 1 year ago & has been giving H chances.

My daughter & I feel most sorry for the 2 year old son. While the elder 2 have had a memorable childhood, the little one will be robbed of a childhood in which he deserves both set of parents if D happens.

No, have not exposed to H or my family. Feel that if they cant help, it's just so unfair to drag them along & worry them unnessarily. As for OW's separated S, never occurred to me to do so. Come to think of it. Your suggestion does sound interesting, if anything, may just shed some more light about OW. Really not sure how much influence he still has on OW.

And yes, H is much better at hiding now, phone records only show he talks & SMS to just me & some other biz associates! So very few calls & SMS, it's ridiculous. H cleans up record daily & complains about resentment of being watched over.


You know, when H suggested trial sep & mentioned his vision of sweet reunion, I was just swept away by the romantic fantasy that he will come back to me on his own accord. That's just so romantic & makes me want to say Yes just to cling on to that illusion.

As for Plan A/B, dont think I m even near there yet. Though I 1st discovered a year ago, I was so naive & foolish to believe it was 1 nite stand and think it was over after a few months of whirlwind courtship.

So actually, 2nd discovery Jan this year is true discovery. In last 3 months, I was an emotional nutcase, breaking down uncontrollaby whatever I was doing, even when I was eating ....... I was in total shock & consumed by anger. I would interrogate H endlessly.

H said no to D repeatedly in last 3 months but was caught time & again in contact with her socially. They are biz associates & are in contact for biz due to contractual commitment. Actually, with total sep with OW almost an impossibility (due to biz) I do feel like I m just wasting my time & energy, & destroying my soul for nothing.

As I read the MB sites, I realise I have been doing it all wrong. I want to start to try again, in a better way now, the way many have succeeded before me.

I wish to do Plan A. But with H still wanting to think about his choice, I guess I m nowhere near Plan A. Believe H must know what he wants & make a choice. Right? But H is no position to do that now, everything he does is just irrational. It's a chicken-&-egg situation. How?

As I struggle to work on our marriage more intelligently ( with all the uplifting advice from MB), I am constantly also tormented by question of 'does H still love me?' If yes, why is he so cruel, so hurting still after I tell him how I feel about not knowing his activities outside home. Instead of caring & protecting me, he's doing just the opposite, hurting & torturing me.

20 years & 3 young formative lives are just too much to throw away. Dont want to regret later in life. Will soldier on with all & any support I can get.

Thanks

endofworld

Hi Pepperband

Thanks for responding to my pleas for help.

When H suggested trial sep & shared with me his vision of sweet reunion as his desired outcome, I was simply swept away by the romantic fantasy ....... that the same loving guy I 1st married will return & return on his own accord. I just needed to cling on to this illusion. It's the closure I so badly want. The happy-ever-after story.

I seem to be losing my own head too of late. I actually dont know if I want a H who stays cos he loves me or a H who is matured & responsible enough to be committed to a marriage & family. Hey, I really dont know what I want. Both will be ideal but asked to choose 1 of 2, ......... oops

While the romantic illusion of sweet reunion is so enticing, I am painfully aware that the trial is like .......H needs to be caned to his senses & the only form of caning available is mass caning........ H, me & kids all lay prostrate & get caned together with H ........ just so H can be caned to his senses. It's cruel, cold-blooded and despicable. Totally unfair to the kids especially. For H to feel he misses kids, kids must surely feel the missing too.

After I shared my thots with H, he's now doing a scaled down version of trial... a simulated version. We still stay together as a family. But the minute H leaves the house for work, H does not want to feel tied down by mental curfews of having to update me of his activities & time of return. So this last week has been........ H calls me when he feels like it, occasionally telling me his activities & time of return, sometimes H just keeps mum.

I didnt call H too, like I used to. Dont know why, maybe pride, not sure.

But the not knowing what H is up to is sure torment. H knows it cos I have told him so. Yet H chooses to act to suit his own needs, totally disregarding my misery. Definitely the love is lost....... H does not feel the urge to care & protect

H's actions are most irrational, he has lost his values, morals, logic etc

If you see my reply to Who, you will find more insights into my marriage & family & the dilemma I am now in. I realise I have been doing it wrongly in the last 3 months, want to have a 2nd chance to do it right. But H is so so fickle, does not want D, yet cant do total sep with OW. I want to move towards Plan A. But it takes 2 to tango, H has to come to his sense to even agree to try Plan A. And H needs to be strong enough to handle the intense withdrawal sypmtoms. I now live a day at a time. But the state of limbo is killing me. My work suffers, the kids are neglected.........

And yes, I totally agree with you I must refer to the sl-- as OW. Cant imagine how OW can be innocent, OW married a divorcee, got separated from him cos cheated on him (with someone before H). OW may even have a part to play in her H divorce previously. Almost like history repeating itself except H is now the male lead. To me, it's clear where H will be a few years down the road if he chooses OW

I know I shouldnt try to but cant help trying to make sense of things while struggling to work towards Plan A.

endofworld

While I know there's no more in trying to make sense of stuff right now, I cant control myself.

I try to make sense of some basic fundamental stuff. Like
1) is H ready to end A?
2) how can I help ease some of H's pains from withdrawal symptoms if we do start toward reconciliation & move towards Plan A?

I dont get any meaningful answers from H. How can I possibly move in the dark? While in the dark, how can I make smart moves so that I can protect all of us from the pains of D?

one moment H is asking for simulated trial (while still living together, read above for more details), the next H's questioning why I want to save the marriage. During our previous conversations, I have told him that it's mainly for the kids.

H now questions if I choose to save marriage cos of love for him. This almost sounds like a joke to me..... fact I didnt kill him for what he did to me, the anguish, humiliation & hopelessness, I thot he should be grateful, H actually has the cheek to ask the question.

But as I silently reflect, I wonder if H is also seeking reassurance that love can be restored, just like me. Is this a sign that H is ready to work towards ending the A? Or am I reading too much into just another question?

As for me, the act of H having chosen to be with OW for more than 2 years is like the physical act of H pushing me away from him. It's cold cruel rejection. It's shameless to admit that I still love him. But searching deep inside, I have to face up to the reality of truth. Otherwise, why should it hurt so bad? And why should all my thots during my waking hours be centred around how to resolve the prob & resolve it asap?

Then on the other hand, OW is pro at this game. They are in the intimacy stage of A and OW does appear to be the unconditional giver, paying the high price of not able to have my H with her all the time. H perceives OW as
giver, I must then be viewed as the taker, with all the conditions I set out for recon. So H's question may just be a simple reflection of his inclination to choose OW for the unconditional love.

Questions, endless questions. A crystal bowl would be heavenly.....

endofworld

Okay, okay.
I've been here. There is another option which I am about to try. Instead of H moving out, I am. Don't overreact yet. I will still do all the kid duties that I have always done, school runs, feed them, reading, piano practice, put them to bed, but then I am leaving when H gets home, to stay with a freind.
This is the only way that I can implement plan B.
H won't leave, so I will. He will have overnight responsibility for the kids and we will both get some space. My H still work with OW (sorry for the "lover" faux pas - I'm new here) but she is leaving in July. (praise be)
So we'll try this twist on plan B until then.
Could this work for you?
Anyone else got any views on my version of plan B?
Try and keep going. It is ******, but at least you know we are all burning with you.

Hi Kate

Reading your reply I almost thot I wrote it. Cos the option you're writing about is exactly what I counter-offered to H when he brought up trial for the 2nd time. We were about to fix a start date. I too offered to leave house before H returns at nite.

But just the morning after we agreed on this option, H asked me to not to proceed & that it was the craziest thing. And so we aborted plan.

That where's we are now in this simulated trial sep phase, where H does not volunteer any info on his daily activities outside home. Occasionally if H is in good mood, he may tell me some of his activities for the day. We are in this trial only for a week and I'm drained out imagining what he's up to . While H enjoys the freedom of new mental curfews, I suffer in misery.

H wanted trial sep for a month!

Honestly, I doubt if trial will achieve the desired results H claims to hope to get........... to feel him misses us. Cos in the 1st place, H is NOT addicted to us! H is addicted to OW. How to get withdrawal symptoms from something you are NOT addicted to?? Worse still, H may after a while even forget he ever has a wife & 3 kids.

Still in limbo.......

endofworld

Kate

I'm so glad for you that OW is leaving sooooon. At least there's some possible light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you then still need to do this option. It's gonna be very sacrificial for you. Not easy to leave house late at night alone just to do this. Safety issues aside, I dreaded it even as I counter-offered it to H. Cos it's a super lousy feeling to be forced to leave the comfort of your own home ..... So inconvenient too for you.

No opinion on option, just can feel what you have to go through emotionally & mentally.

endofworld

Hi.
Hope you're o.k endofworld.
First, the H does not know yet, he is away, back tomorrow, when I will reveal all. Because this is second time round for me, I thought I was out of the woods (stupid I know with himn working with the OW) This time I feel much more detatched.
I don't think you can MAKE anyone leave the fog. Plan B is about removing your poor, hurt, battered self from the situation and letting the WS be without you. Sure, in the beginning this may seem to them like a golden oppurtunity to meet with the OP but if you read the books you can see that this will not always work out as they think they have wished. (Working on the theory that the OP is really a figment of imagination, not a real person, created from spending "perfect time" together unhindered by the realities of real life.)
With me (or you) leaving, the WS will have time to think and be RESPONSIBLE for the children albeit in bed asleep, but still "on duty". I think this situation has some mileage.
BTW this is bizarre I know, but my H's name is "Cos", and so when you write this abbreviation for "because" in your posts it leaps off the screen at me!
Kate xxx

End,


Unfortunately, this is not exposing. Your WH and OW already knew they were having an affair. When you found out and let them know you knew, that is D-day not exposing.

You expose the affair to, as someone said above, everyone you know with a functioning moral compass. These foks can become your allies in ending the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, it is part of the fantasy. Your WH and OW can still pretend that they are not the slimeballs that they are because you are allowing them to by not exposing.

You really need to read the free information here on MB and get a copy of Surviving an Affair. This will explain to you in detail how and why you must expose. If you don't do this, the affair will undoubtly continue and you will lose your husband even if he doesn't end up with OW in the long run.

Who

You need help!

You are making fear-based decisions <~~~ bad idea!

Have you any religious affiliation?

Have you read my carrot/stick of Plan A post?

I will return later with some suggestions.

All is NOT lost.

There is a very excellent book that suits your situation (not Harley's this time, but Harley's book is a classic)

the book I am thinking of is by Dr James Dobson Love Must Be Tough

.... Dobson suggests that the infidel lacks RESPECT for the betrayed ... and married adults cannot maintain a romantic marital love for each other when there is no RESPECT

If you want to attract your husband back to the marriage ~~~> start behaving in ways that show him you have SELF-RESPECT ... too much self-respect to tolerate an affair right under your nose !!!!

I'll be back later .... think about respect for now.

Pep

No, he wants BOTH of you simultaneously ... he said so ... he wants you to WAIT for him while he enjoys OW ... THIS IS him wanting a wife and a mistress both taking care of him ... CAKE EATER




Plan A is for YOU to initiate without your husband's cooperation !!! Plan A is the betrayed spouses tool to facilitate the ending of the affair ... Plan A is TIME-limited ... and then Plan B is initiated BY THE BETRAYED in order to protect their love for the infidel

Plan A & B are tools you do NOT discuss with the infidel ....

more later ... it is entirely too premature for you to be discussing H's withdrawl ... he's still taking the heroin !

Pep

Hi there who

Thanks for explaining what's the most basics to me. Really not sure if I m just escaping from need to do EA.

Pepperband talked about self-respect. And this point really touches me. You see, after EA to families and friends, if I still do not leave H, I do feel ashamed. Ashamed that I do not have enough dignity & self-respect to leave. It's the boomerang I fear. Call it low self-esteem??

Looking at all the advantages of EA, am seriously considering & hatching something

Yes, I m reading as much as I can but this whole situation is just so new to me.... so much to learn.... all the encouragement & pointers mean a great deal to me.

endofworld