Its been eight months since my H started divorce proceedings and 6 months since disclosure of his long term affiair with a coworker. Divorce proceedings have been terminated and our marriage is better than ever and my husband is really trying and is committed to me...but certain things just set me back to the days of unbearable anger and pain. One thing is his need to qualify every statement where he acknowledges responsibility for our failed marriage and his affair with a caveat about "his part". Lately he's been emphatic about saying I am not a better person than he is. For some reason this really gets to me. I thought about sending him this note so things don't escallate into a fight, but it seems like a lovebuster to me. On the other hand why should I have to hold all this inside. <P> "I wonder why you feel compelled to make the point that I am "not a better person" than you. Perhaps its the work you do in therapy to deal with the guilt you say you have. For my part I have never said or believed I am a better person than you. I do however believe it was you, not me, who CHOSE over and over again during the 6months to one year or whatever it was - chose every time you were with her (OW) to do the cruelest, most disrespectful and degrading thing you could do to me - knowing full well the pain you would inflict. Now that I have to live with that pain every day I can see what you did was the most selfish thing imagainable...so I am still stumped as to why you had the need to make your point about me not being a better person when you are the one who is 100% responsible for your choice to hurt me. You've said it (the affair) just happened to you. B.S. - you chose and your choice hurts.<BR>You also continue to quantify any statement acknowledging responsibility with a caveat about "your part" and "my part" in causing this. I wonder why. It is not helpful.<BR>While things were not good with us I was forever hopeful our marriage would improve and your icy silences during your affair would stop. I feel like such a fool when I think about the day you said you were leaving - out of the blue, no discussion - . I was hoping that day you would come home we would talk, break the silence, make love. Boy was I surprised. - For weeks I had been patient and believed you that it was just work getting to you - I put flowers in the bedroom, cooked your favorite meals, did tons of work around the house hoping you would come back from the dead. You weren't dead - you were giving it all to her. I always remained committed to you and our marriage in sickness and in health, good times and bad. You saw how devestated and shocked I was when you announced you'd started divorce proceedings and were moving out that day. You then agreed to go to counseling just to see if there was any hope for us. Meanwhile you chose to continue your deceit, lies and betrayal - you chose an immoral slut who cared nothing about destroying our family over your wife who has loved you and tried every way she knew to show you that for the past seventeen years." <BR> <BR>Please help! do I give him this? do I just keep it to myself? Our marriage is so much better now but why don't these feelings of resentment and anger go away? I don't want to screw things up but sometimes I feel like I am going to explode.<P>

Simone - I think that is just a really great letter. It lays it all out, your feelings about the affair, your commitment to your marriage, his responsibilities and his failure to meet them. So, yes, definitely, give the letter to him. Because what it is really saying is that you need more from him than he's giving you emotionally. He can also see from the letter that you do have a lot of anger built up around his affair that needs to be dealt with and released. And the two of you have to undertake this process of release together and/or with your therapist. But it does sound like you're on the right road! Regards, blessings and well wishes for continuing to get your marriage back on track!<P>--Wex

I know how angry you must be. Still if you want to keep your marriage on road to recovery, this letter may not have the desired impact.<P>You have a lot of legitimate anger, but maybe some has turned to bitterness.<P>Have you been following our Forgiveness threads. All may be helpful, but one on assuming equality and another on judgment may be excellent to read through...feel free to join in and we will revisit the topics.<P>Next week I plan to start a thread on grief as part of the forgiveness process.<P>Your letter contains a lot of you messages which can put a person on the defensive. I will reread your letter when I have time. For now, I'd hold on...of course that is only my opinion.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I have to agree with Faith, Love, Hope. Everything you wrote you've probably at one point or another already said during your many months of recovery. I think he's just trying to work his way through his own healing process. If it were me I'd tell him I'm sorry if I gave him that impression, because it's obvious that our marriage going downhill was both our fault, and that even though I didn't go out and have an affair, I chose to do nothing to improve our marriage at a time when it would have mattered.

Simone,<P>Don't want to give you the impression your feelings are not valid...I just disagree with your delivery if it is intended to help your healing process.<P>I too feel 50% responsible for the vunerability of the marriage...o% for the affair. After some time past, my H says I'm not even half responsible for the marriage...it was pretty much all him. That took a while.<P>I'll try to get back to you on a more positive message using your feelings tomorrow if I can<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Wex, Faith,Hope, Love and Leah - thanks so much for your responses and taking the time to read my "stuff".<BR>Wex- Like you said I do feel h needs to know and understand the pain and that he is 100% responsible for the affair and its consequences. Seems like he and his therapist focus on relieving his guilt to the point where he believes he is only partly responsible - like he says "it just happened TO him". Anyway, I think I will sit on the letter for awhile and try to add some positive stuff and take out some of the "you" stuff.<BR>Faith, Hope and Love - I value your opinions. I did post this letter because I was concerned it may not have the desired effect. Its all so fragile and both H and I put so much importance on the words now. I have not followed the forgiveness threads and haven't seem them in a few days. I plan to search for them. You are right the "delivery" of my message could use a lot of improvement. I do want to convey more than my anger, bitterness and pain and<BR>would love to hear your suggestions. <BR>Leah - thanks for your input. I do need to at least follow up with telling him there was never any intention to give him the impression I thought I was a better person. Just fyi- you said I should admit to him I chose to do nothing about our marriage at a time it needed it most - in my case that is not really true. I knew something was desperately wrong and h's icy silences were killing me. I begged him to go back to counseling and he refused - he said it was just stuff at work. I am sure now the reason he wouldn't go was he was at the beginning stages of his affair with a coworker. What I am guilty of is being too patient and giving him way too much space - this he conveniently interpreted as disinterest to justify his affair.

OK...I'll work on it for you. May take a day or two...kids in sports this weekend.<P>If you search under my name, you can probibly pick them all out. One, called Legitimate Anger which I believe is step three is under wasstubborn.<P>I really do think you are trying to forgive and your H sounding less rather than more remorseful as time goes on is a roadblock for you. I also think you are probibly right about his theropist. Maddening, isn't it. It is not that you want him to be mired in guilt, but you would like him to feel accountable enough that he feels he can control any furture situation. Geez...<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I really think you should not send this letter. <P>Frankly, it sounds like you are both stuck in the "I'm sorry, BUT..." stage.<P>One of the books I read talks about the marital booby prize -- being "right". If being "right" is more important to you than your marriage, then you'll lose your marriage (but you can tell all your friends how "right" you were). <P>To get out of this rut, one of you needs to change the dynamic. I guess since you are posting here, it needs to be you. <P>Focus on being loving and accepting of your husband. See if you can accept his need to defend himself just as you would accept his dirty socks on the floor. Let him know that you think he's a wonderful person!!! <P>My guess is that he's not really looking to get out of the responsibility. He just wants to know if he will ever have your respect and admiration again. Your letter doesn't sound very admiring of him. <P>His ego is really fragile right now. The more you build him up, the more responsibility he'll be able to bear. The more you tear him down, the less he'll be able to bear.

Simone-<BR>Where can I learn more about your story? My H recently filed for divorce. OW is also a coworker, as in your case. I'd like to know how you got to this point. <BR>Thanks, Annie

Animac has some Excellent points. Men need to be respected. Of course it is more difficult for women to respect men when they have done something disrespectful. However, this does not diminish the need respect need for most men. In fact, he may actually be craving it these days.<P>Maybe you can work on showing respect where you can. Like you respect that he walked away. You respect that he is in counceling, etc...<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Simone I think all the thoughts in your letter are legitimate. I would not send that letter. <P>The answer to your question is in your letter where you imply that he you are a better person than him because he was the one who chose to have the affair.<P>Somehow he has to accept total responsibility for choosing the affair. It sounds like the therapist is not encouraging that thought.<P>Don't try and relate the issue of being better than him to his failure to accept total responsibilty. I would suggest that you both read "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. This book is mostly dedicated to fixing the marriage when the affair is over.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

OK...perhaps I stepped way out of line, but I rewrote your letter. Please let me know what you think of it. Only trying to help because I know how intense your feelings are. Been there.<P>Dear H,<P>I needed to put these thoughts on paper because I did not want them to be lost in emotion if I brought this up in conversation.<P>Overall we have come a long way. I respect all your efforts to rebuild our marriage and I hope you can see I am trying my hardest as well.<P>Recently however, you have been making a point over and over that is really upsetting to me, so I been thinking about it and want to share my feelings and then work with you to work through this sticking point.<P>You have said I am "not a better person" than you are. I agree. We are equal. We both have our own strengths and weaknesses. We are equal, but unique individuals. <P>I know you were experiencing a great deal of guilt and have been working at that with your therapist. I do not want you to be burdened with guilt and I do not want to be burdened with bitterness. I want us to recover and move on. However, your recent comments have acted as a barrier to my personal journey of forgiveness. Please let me explain.<P>I know things were not good with us. If we could go back to before the affair started, I'm sure there are some things we both would do differently. Although I am fully willing to admit "my part" in vunerability of our marriage and I am eager to do "my part" in rebuilding our marriage, I do not believe I had "any part" in your actual affair.<P>The affair was your own independent action over which I had no control. When you talk about "my part" in your affair, maybe you mean factors that contributed to the vunerability of the marriage, but it feels like you are placing blame on me for your affair and that really hurts and it makes me angry. <P>My fear is that if you believe the affair was something that happened to you, you are not accepting responcibility for your own actions. If you are not accountable for what happened, then how can we be sure it won't just "happen" to you again. <P>I am more than willing to make the changes we need in our relationship. But I can only control my own words, thoughts, attitudes and actions. I can not control yours. When it sounds like I am responsible for something I am not in a position to control, it really scares me...and it makes it harder to work through my pain and anger and humiliation of being betrayed. <P>I do not feel like I am a better person, I just do not want to feel blamed on top of humiliated and hurt. <P>Can you understand how I am feeling? I have loved you for 17 years and want to remain your wife in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. I needed to share this and hear what you are thinking and feeling.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL<P>Great Job! Now that's a letter I would send.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn