ok gotta go. My darling H is back. 1.30 a.m.. I am in Plan A, so my darling H

Nite, btw waiting to know your guess on Carrot & stick thread. Dont kill me..... curiosity kills

endofworld

Hi pep

Such a miracle I maintained my cool when WH returned 1.30a.m other nite... must reward myself with a treat

Been busy sorting out my life yesterday........ clearing backlog at work..... somehow a lower intray gives me a sense of control over life...... guess life must move on, standstill is too energy-zapping....

Cant do EA to OWH yet...... OW is separated & stays on her own..... dont know where OWH stays or works....... will try but got distracted with DIL's medical condition

DIL is very weak, may go anytime.... MIL has requested to move in after DIL passes on...... My 1st thot, on hearing this, is WOW, so God-send. Like the kids is not good enough for WH to choose family, now there's added motivation...... Immersed amongst the kids makes an easier bereavement for MIL. On other hand, announcing our sep during MIL's bereavement is devastating for MIL.

But then, is WH really choosing ME? Or is it NO CHOICE for WH? Isnt it very humiliating for me. I question the sustainability of such a choice as it does come from the heart. Then am I too greedy?

I recall during my RCIA when I was hesitant, someone urged me on, saying making the right decision, even if it's for the wrong reasons AT FIRST is alright, as God will in His time, help one see the right reason......

Dilemma dilemma......... being hopeful vs wishful thinking

endofworldnomore

Dear Endof, I've copied a little of your post here.
"But then, is WH really choosing ME? Or is it NO CHOICE for WH? Isnt it very humiliating for me. I question the sustainability of such a choice as it does come from the heart. Then am I too greedy? "
No you are not greedy. He promised you that you would be together forever. He once chose you above all others and he meant it.
But yes it is incredibly humiliating. I felt the same. To feel that your WS is "panic buying" is how I put it. They are to scared to really leave and so they "settle" for what they know can work and then torture themselves for the rest of their lives about what "could have been".
From what I have read here and in the books, when the fog lifts - and it seem to be gradual, not immediate (Great, yet more procrastination and dithering for the BS to suck up) the WS suddenly realises the depth of love waiting for them at home. Love they "thought had died", because thinking like that made it easier for them to cheat.
Love they told themselves never really existed, because what they have with the OP is "true love".
It's when this sledgehammer of realisation hits them, that we the BS have to leap into action and reassure that yes we do love them unconditionally, as we promised, but that we also are not doormats, and the long, long road (still far in the distance for me) to building a new, better, truthful, loving partnership starts. A little humiliation and dented pride in exchange for the chance of a life of love. A gamble worth taking? We'll both find out!

I'd like to trust decisions to God. I am a Catholic, I do believe, although I'm hesitant to leave everything in my life to God to fix or not as he sees fit.

The thing about decision making is the first step. When you do it, you may not believe in it fully, you may feel co-erced or pressured, but you do it. You take the plunge. and from that, things can grow that enable more "real" decisions to be made.
Love from rainy London,
Kate xxx

Kate... hunny .... you need to expose the affair at the school ... really .... it's hard ... but it is really a reality bite ...

bad choices = bad consequences

Kate dear

Wow I have always been fantasizing about a sweet reunion like you so describe, when the full brunt of guilt for all the anguish he has caused hits WH in the face. When WH wakes up from this dream of his (nightmare of ours) & realises the unwaivering love from the BS & wow is a changed man, with a even stronger love for the BS than ever.

Such a wonderful dream to hang on to..... Often wonder when the dream will burst like a bubble.........

Dented pride the price to pay for a lifetime of true love does help numb some of the current pain........ where there is hope, there's life.........

Hope & pray for the best for all hurting families

endofworldnomore

This happends when the WS realizes they cannot keep YOU, the BS, on the "wait-and-see" list ... and usually not before.

So as long as the WS is convinced they can string the BS along for the ride ... they enjoy their marriage and the OP.

YOU will not experience your imaginary "sweet reunion" for awhile ... RECOVERY is the time when you must do the autopsy on the affair ~and~ work on the marriage problems simultaniously ... it is not a "live-happily-ever-after" moment ... you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

Recovery is HARDER than what you are currently doing ... much more work than you imagine. REALITY check for you two lovely ladies.

Pep

You imagine this

~~ He will come back to the marriage and love me more than he did before the affair ~~

and he might

but it will take (average) 2 full years to make the marriage comfortable for both of you

the marriage you had pre-affair did not work

the marriage you have post-affair

is MORE dysfunctional ...

fantasy reunions only make you more disappointed later on ... and will fuel your future resentment!

I am throwing a bucket of ice water on this idea ... so sorry ... but I have hind-sight in this area ...

Pep <~~~ big meanie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi pep dear

I just love the icy cold water. I get a great deal of super sound advice from you but what I luv best is the way you jolt me back to reality. I'm far too naive & dreamy for my own good. Getting real actually protects me from unnecessary disappointment & hurt and I've had my fair share of hurt lately.

Will digest what you've said but gotta go now. Darling H is on his way home now.

Will read your other posts tomorrow. nite

endofworldnomore

Where in the world are you?

I am in Los Angeles...

Pep

Pep dear, I am in Asia, I thank God for you & your help from other side of the globe........

Pls read Getting ready for Plan B........ I had heavy-duty reflection....... long post.

endofworld

Not saying where you are ... are you native to the country where you reside?

This may become important when implementing Plan B.

*** adding this ***

To what country do your children have citizenship? What does it say on their passport? Duel?

Pep

Pep

Whole family is native. We are Asians, born & residing here. Not Americans or Europeans.

Amongst Asians, one terrible trait is we tend not to openly talk about A & infidelity. Even fully reconciled couples who survive infidelity are hesitant to come forth to share & in the process help others. I truly thank you for selflessly extending out your helping hand.

In this part of the workd, legal sep & divorce are both viewed as a failure to many & there's loss of 'face' in the family. Not sure if that's why the return of prodigial son post-Plan B may be loss of 'face'. To lose 'face' means pride is hurt........ pride of self........... pride of family.....

Hope sharing my cultural idiosyncrasies help shed some light on my stubbornness.......

We've been to LA twice......... Disneyland, Universal Studio & all the tourist stuff......... beautiful place..... heaven on earth for the kid-in-us...

endofworld

I was wondering about this because the cultural differences might make the Harley method somewhat ineffective... we'll have to play it by ear, I guess. You guide me. It's not YOUR stubbornness I'm worried about, it's the cultural pressures, or lack thereof, for your H to stop his affair. In some cultures, it is considered abnormal if the wife objects to the OW.

In my youth, in the 1970s, I was a stewardess for Pan Am , way before your time.

I was all over Asia... knew some cities very well , Hong Kong in particular. Now everything, and I do mean everything, is changed.

Pep