My Husband has been a FBH for roughly two years (i had an EA for about this time), he fought for a long time but essentially "gave up" and got involved with someone else. A few months into his A, i ended my EA with FOM and told Husband that i wanted our marriage back. (Husband had lived in Kuwait at this point for over a year i was still in germany) He said he still loved me and wanted this as well. He told me he stopped seeing OW, i believed him and had no way of knowing otherwise. Later on in the year (after me pushing for us to be together again in the country) he told me he didnt love me anymore and i should wait for him. He also told me in that conversation that he had no pride anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I had massive mental/emotional problems which lead to him bringing me here, i live here in kuwait now and he lives in a seperated apartment with OW. He still says he does not love me and does not want to work on the marriage. He says he loves OW, but that this is only a small part why he does not want to work on the marriage. He refuses to tell me anything, he does not tell me how he feels or what is going on inside of him. When i wanted to leave and get a divorce a couple months ago, he said in a very said voice, if you leave right now, its like you leave me all over again. He told me not to give up so soon.

He wants to deal with everything on his own, but i dont see how we could ever get anything resolved if we dont talk. I would really like the views of any men that had been betrayed by his wife and then in turn had an A himself. I would like to know what might be going on inside him right now. He told me its not over until one of us says its over, he is living with OW, says our marriage is on paper only. Isnt it over? I cant read his mind, i dont know what is troubling him, he seems depressed at times.
He also does not seem really happy with OW, he told me bad things about her, and calls her bad names at times. He also says he does not love her the way he used to love me.
When i saw him hurt and depressed one time, i told him i am here and he can talk to me as a friend. But he said he feels awkward talking to me, because i am his wife. (i guess he was hurt over something OW said or did)
He said maybe with time it would be easier for him to talk to me.

Has any man here gone through something similar like this? I just dont understand a lot of things that Husband does or says. Its like he doesnt want the marriage that is only on paper to be over, but on the other hand he does not want to see if we could work on it. This seems somewhat confusing to me. I would really appreciate some insight from someone who has been there. Thank you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

guess my situation is pretty unique, maybe i am the only one that this has happened to. Thank you anyways for reading the thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am not a FHW but my take on this is that your H needs to make a choice, either he dumps the OW and works on the M or he doesn`t. He cannot have it both ways. Have you read through the entire site? Do you know about Plan A and Plan B?

Do you have children?

Have you exposed the A?

You are not the only person this has happened to, revenge A`s are very common and while they make recovery more difficult it doesn`t make it impossible.

From what you have posted it sounds like your H is very unhappy now but not quite ready to give up on the M. You need a plan to help you through this.

If you find you don`t get alot of responses on one of the MB boards try reposting on another MB board.

Daggi,

Dorry (a FWW and FBW - in that order), is a regular poster whose H had a revenge A. Maybe you can make a call-out to her and ask her if her H will be willing to give you some insight. Or maybe she can give you insight from what she knows from her H's perspective as a FBH/FWH.

thank you both for your replies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Will ask Dorry if she is willing to help me.

Yes, i do have children, two of them ages 15 and 17. There is noone in my family that doesnt know of the A and neither WH nor me have any contact to his family. All his friends here know of the A, since he has been living here in Kuwait for 2 years (i just came her about 3 months ago). He has been living with her for about 1 1/2 years, and his friends here and her are basically his way of life now.

I have read through the entire site and i have read up on plan A and plan B repeatedly. I have also told husband that if he doesnt want this marriage we can get divorced. This is then when he said, if i left it would be like leaving him again, and that i shouldnt give up so soon. He says he doesnt feel any love for me anymore and that he cant be my husband right now, and that he doesnt know what the future brings. He says he lives day by day.

I know he has to make a decision and both me and the OW have told him previously that we will leave, so he can be with whomever he is happy. But he told me (and maybe also the OW, no clue what he tells her) that only he will make that decision and he will not be pressured by anyone to make it for him.

I know i need a plan to help me through this, Plan B wouldnt do much at this point, i dont think anyways, because since we have been living apart for 2 years already, he wouldnt really be missing anything. Plan A is somewhat hard as well, since he doesnt live here with me, and he rarely comes by. Its still i am at a standstill either way, and it has been like this for a very long time. Guess this is why i am trying to understand my Husband better.

Daggi,

I hadn`t seen your other thread when I responded to this one. But I just went through it.

There is something bothering me that you repeatedly mentioned in that thread. Your H`s illness that just doesn`t seem to be getting better. I am wondering what is causing him to be sick. Something doesn`t sound right, there is something odd about it.

If you know what your H`s symptoms are you might want to call out Lemmonman(post a thread to him) here on MB, describe what is going on and see what he thinks. I believe he`s an MD. Direct him to your other thread and see what he thinks.

I think you are in percarious situation over there and tracionado has given you some very good advice. I think your best bet is to get yourself, your children and your H out of Kuwait by whatever means necessary. The OW strikes me as a dangerous person. Something is seriously off about this situation.

Can you get yourself and your children to the States? Have you contacted the Red Cross? I also think giving a major news organization a call might not be a bad idea. I think this is a serious situation that will call for some drastic measures.

You are not stuck. Not by a longshot. But you do need outside help.

You don`t understand your H now because he is not your H. He`s an alien and he needs to be brought back down to earth before it`s too late.

You are correct that your children are automatically US citizens. I am an expat too so I am familiar with this. And tracionado is correct that your H should be paying US income tax no matter what. If he`s not he`s digging himself into quite a hole. But he could get himself out of it if he turns himself around.

Is it possible that your H has a gambling problem too? Could it be that`s where all of your money has gone? You had money problems before arriving in Kuwait correct? Something fishy is going on.

If you are going to help your H you are going to have to make some difficult decisions. You will have to be strong and take some risks. Do what you have to do to have your H deported from Kuwait. Try and get to the States. There are many charitable organizations that could help. There is also free legal aid and help for people in serious debt. But you must be in the States in order to take advantage of the aid.

Do this for your children.

There are many people who can help you if you ask.

I dont want to leave here, because if i left, i know it would mean the end of my marriage, WH is doing everything that is within his power over here to make everything better for us. (He has shown me the paperwork in progress and everything) I WANT my marriage back, i dont just want a way out of here.

I dont think my Husband has a gambling problem, i think he would have told me that this is were the money went. I think it might have something to do with something that he thinks i would disapprove, get angry over or even give up on the marriage over. Gambling wouldnt do that.

The money problems we had before he left for kuwait, were due to the move to another city and the fact that he lost the job that paid more, and got a less paying one in another city, what he earned didnt cover our bills anymore, so month by month we got into it deeper than better.

The problem with going to the states is, that i am german, i cant pack up the kids and go there, since my green card expired some years back, without him i cant go there. If i return to germany with the children, it will be over for good, as he never wants to work in this country again, and i dont blame him, i feel the same way about germany as he does. I dont really want to go back there if i have the choice.

About my husbands illness... he has had food poisoning before, that was back in december. Now it was food poisoning again (e-coli). Usually that clears up fairly soon, but with him it went on for about 6 weeks, he is now feeling better. Wh said he will not leave her, and i dont think they would let him leave, as he still has debt here, that would need to be paid first. There is nothing that i can do to persuade him to go with me, as he doesnt want to be with me or love me at this point. He repeatedly told me he rather lives alone than with a woman he doesnt love. Guess it does sound kind of hopeless for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. But then why isnt he just doing the divorce? Why all these sentences, that when i ask about them again, he will make them turn around. He is honest about OW, well simply because it is out in the open since december now, and he lives with her, and doesnt feel like he has to hide anything.

I feel like if i were to leave he would see it as, "see i was right, she is still the same person that left me in the first place, she cant even wait for me" So i am torn back and forth.

I dont see the OW as a dangerous person, but i do think a lot of it is sexual, she kept referring on her website to him as her "endless lover". She also kept telling him to go back to your family (everytime she felt threatened by me, as when he had me brought here), thats when he runs to her to reassure her. I dont know much about her, other than that she is married herself, but has had other men here in kuwait before she met my Husband. My Husband said that her Husband is trying to get her back, but that this is none of my Husbands business and he stays out of it.

You cannot return to the states even though your children are american and your D is under age? I am not too familiar with what the laws are for the parents of an underage US citizen. I do know that several years ago BEFORE the laws were changed to automatically make all children of Americans US citizens the consulate informed me that if we decided to live in the States my H would need a green card but because he was legally married to a US citizen he would go to the top of the pile. It would not take long to get.

It worries me that your H got sick before, and now he`s sick again. E coli comes from improperly cooked food. Fast food restaurants overseas are infamous for improperly cooking hamburgers. Uncooked ground beef is how you get that. And I know myself overseas I have been served improperly cooked burgers /ground beef, I would take a bite, see it wasn`t cooked all the way through and I would have to take it back and ask for it to be cooked properly. You say your H eats out alot in restaurants, I think he might be getting infected over and over again. If that is in fact what is making him repeatedly sick.

I fear that as long as your H is in Kuwait he`s digging himself in deeper and deeper. If he gets himself in deep enough he will never be able to return to the States. You might find yourselves with very few options of places to live. You might wind up somewhere you don`t want to be.

I do think the OW is dangerous. She`s a parasite who is sucking your H dry. I think your only hope here is to employ some tough love. Take the necessary steps to get him out of Kuwait and away from her.

Well, i know i could get a green card again, but not without my husband there as far as i know.

OW doesnt cook, or at least not much, they basically order fast food every day and he carries tons of snacks around with him, but thats another story. This is the life he is choosing at the moment.

I have always told my husband, especially since he was military when we married, that i would go anywhere in the world with him, that was never a problem for me. So i dont really care where we would live, for me home was always there where my family was, and not where my roots where from.

How do i employ tough love? He would hate me forever if i were to report him somewhere and get him kicked out. He always wanted to build up money working over here, so we could start over in the states, that was the initial plan when he came here.