This is going to be rather long and probably a bit complicated, so please bear with me. (If I omit anything, hopefully he'll come along and chime in.)

Background: My husband and I, while we love(d) each other very dearly have had problems from the start. We had problems communicating, showing affection in ways the other wanted, and in general.. while we weren't "unhappy", we weren't exactly happy either. We tried and struggled with years of emotional baggage on both our parts and a shady history, at best, on mine..

About 5 months ago, at my husband's urging, citing my high sex drive and my previous promiscuity, I slept with another man. Well, "boy" honestly, as he was just 18. The sex wasn't the big deal, it was the month long emotional affair I'd carried on after the fact. And the fact that I hid that I STILL spoke to him even 3 months later.

We struggled, we fought, and then on our anniversary (a mere month later) we had one of the most amazing, magical nights of our life. I'd never felt so connected to another human being. It took both of our breath away and left us nearly weak. I was never more in love with him..

Unfortunately, less than a month later.. I was shipped overseas for a year long tour, unaccompanied, to the middle of nowhere. Despite that magical night, we were still on shakey ground. We'd try and think back to that night, but it would get lost in his anger.

I'd react to his anger with more anger, rather than understanding. At this he'd threaten to leave.. if I didn't come to him with more compassion. But there were times when we felt that closeness, that tenderness, and for the first time in our relationship.. we even discussed having a child.

BUT, I was stuck here, 10,000 miles away (yes literally).. and somehow, I couldn't feel his love. His threats to leave, if I didn't change and change now hung in my thoughts more than anything else. I felt overwhelmingly lonely, sad, depressed, and unwanted... so I talked to the young guy periodically He found THAT out. I flirted with a friend of mine.. he found THAT out.

On top of that, while still trying to pick up the pieces of he first disaster.. I met someone who said all the right things, did all the right things, and made me feel special. And, one night I went to his room to watch a movie.. and we had sex. It was awful, honestly.. Afterward I felt empty, used, and terrible about myself.

My husband had told me.. if ANYTHING Happens, just be honest. Just BE honest with him and we'd see what happened. He could tolerate almost anything but lies.

I didn't tell him. Not for 2 weeks. For 2 weeks I was moody, irritable, rude, and belligerent as the guilt ate away at me. For 2 weeks I said nothing, all while proclaiming my love for my husband.

I still saw the guy on a regular basis. We hung out, I made it clear the sex was a mistake and a bad one at that. (he's a subordinate to me for starters and I see him at work regularly) But, I felt bad for him because he, too, was young and was NOT fitting in. So I continued to maintain a friendship.

BUT, when I finally confessed to having had sex with someone else... after the guilt was just too much to bear... I lied to him. I told him it was someone from another department that I would never see again. I made up this elaborate tale about a random stranger, because I was too ashamed to tell him the truth. I lied because I still hung out with this person, and didn't want him to tell me not to.. Not because I wanted to sleep with him again, but because I wanted to maintain a friendship. (I have no idea why, the guy is actually a total idiot :/)

I maintained this lie for weeks. My husband had remote access to my PC and would read chat and logs, email, messages, anything on my computer because he KNEW I lied. I lied about little things, I lied about small things. I didn't even know HOW to tell him the whole truth any more, about anything.. he was SO angry. All the time. So bitter and often, so hateful to me. He wasn't the same person I knew.. I barely felt like he even cared.

We had good days and bad, mostly bad.. but things were getting better. I just KNEW I had this terrible secret. And the invasion on my computer was overwhelming me. I couldn't stand it. I avoided him, I avoided my room, I avoided everything.. I even once ignored him paging me because I didn't want to deal with the anger. Anger *I* had caused.. I resented the invasion of my privacy. Even though I deserved it.

The longer this went on, the harder it got for me to tell him the truth. He gave me innumerable chances to come clean, I lied and denied. He always warned me that it was my last chance, and I never.. ever took the mulligan. I just couldn't bring myself to admit, in the face of his wrath, just WHO I'd been with.

I started hanging out with someone else. This time it was NOT going to get physical, but my husband told me.. NO MORE FLIRTING. PERIOD. There is NO such thing as innocent flirting, right now. AT ALL. I poured my heart out to this other person and did tell him how much I wanted things to work with my husband. It *was* an innocent relationship. I was very clear that it would be platonic ONLY. That's it, just friends. Period.

My husband, after having had a nice night with me.. said all logs would be turned off and that was the end of it. I breathed a sigh of relief at not being under surveillance 24/7. (he could turn on my web cam and read EVERYTHING I did on my PC)

Well, the other night I was talking to BOTH people on my messenger..

I was yelling at the first guy for being an [censored]. And the conversation was such that it was apparent that, THIS GUY, not some random stranger, was the person I'd slept with. The second guy, I spoke to only briefly.. he'd made a comment about a nap, I made a remark that he should come snug with me. I laughed, then we both logged off to take a nap in our OWN ROOMS.

My husband and I spoke that night and it was a stilted, but not unpleasant conversation. I stayed up to talk to him, even though I had to work in the morning.

An hour and a half after I went to bed, he woke me by playing music on my PC..

There WERE logs and I had no idea. He'd read them.

He was INCENSED in catching me in a lie, one he KNEW I'd been telling and gave me every chance to admit. The flirtatious remark to the other guy was just fuel on an already out of control fire.

He basically lost it. Called me every name in the book. Removed his wedding ring, changed his status to single on MySpace... said he wanted a divorce. Something that is STILL up in the air at the moment, honestly..

What do I do? I want to save my marriage and he's speaking to me again.. but won't put our wedding ring back on. He says he won't push for divorce, but all the effort to save this marriage.. 100% has to come from me. I don't even know if he really wants it saved, any more. He said, he wanted to destroy my life..my career.. everything.. but is giving me a chance, MAYBE..

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this horrible mistake and help heal the horrible betrayel he felt not once, but twice. One for the act, the second for the constant stream of lies that followed.

I don't know if he even wants to be with me any more. I know he does still love me, but he can't trust me.. at all. I don't blame him, I wouldn't trust me either. ******, the only reason he's speaking to me AT ALL is because another woman, whom he is getting VERY close to, talked him into speaking with me.

What the heck can I do from 10,000 miles away to SHOW him I'm serious this time? What can I do to make this right and save my marriage.

He asked me to kick both men completely out of my life.. and I did.

What else can I do to deserve his love? How can I fix this? Is it even possible? How can I keep him and not drive him into this other woman's arms (as he'd said wasn't out of the realm of possibility any more)

I'm so lost right now.. and I feel him slipping away. I don't want that.

I do remember our anniversary and how special it was. I do believe he and I could have a beautiful marriage. I wish I wasn't so damned STUPID and letting my neediness overwhelm me into moronic acts and words..

I want my husband back.

I want my marriage back.

How?

WOW..... You just kept digging deeper and deeper and deeper.... So what have you learned? Seriously, what have you learned?

I would say, 1st and foremost, no more male friendships, you've proven time and time again that you can't trust yourself....

Second, what are you options in the Military to get either "hardship" leave or re-assigned back to the states?

I don't really have those options, right now. I'm stuck here for the full 13 months. Though, I am eligible for EML in about 2.5 months. Anything prior to that is hit or miss. The way it is here, you can't just buy a ticket and get on a plane. It's *ALL* military flights. Only way to get off the island.

As for my male friendships, I have others and he's aware of them. He's ok with some of them. It's rather difficult to avoid having male friendships, the population here is 12:1 male vs. female. And many of the females are unavailable or, unfortunately, taking FULL advantage of the population disparity.. I don't think they would be good choices to associate with. Just these two guys particularly stuck in his craw.

What have I learned? For starters, lying didn't help me. It didn't protect me, and it probably cost my my marriage. EVEN if completely innocent, at this point in time, even a MILD flirtation is a *BAD FREAKING IDEA*. My husband needs to feel special.. and he hasn't.

And yes, I have dug myself a damned deep hole. Now how can I get out of it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

“””Just these two guys particularly stuck in his craw.”””

For pretty good reason…..

“””As for my male friendships, I have others and he's aware of them. He's ok with some of them.”””

I don’t know how to say this any different, you need to connect with women. You have a bad, proven track record with men. Your very best thinking is what led you to the place you are at right now, so that obviously isn’t working. No chatting with men on-line, cut your ties with all the fellows, and focus on building female relationships. Even with a 12:1 ratio, there have to be some “good” girls there, find them. Is there a woman’s bible study, find it. You have to be willing to do something different because what you are doing and were doing is not working.

“””My husband needs to feel special.. and he hasn't.”””

Kewl, so how do you go about making him feel special…

”””And yes, I have dug myself a damned deep hole. Now how can I get out of it?”””

Well for starters, let’s face it, he has absolutely no reason to trust you, so you have to learn to be TRANSPARANT which means he can see everything. All e-mails, logs, whatever. Then simply keep doing the next right thing. I guarantee you that if you don’t chat with men on-line, then you won’t flirt with them on-line, it’s simply impossible. So during those times when you don’t know exactly what the next right thing is just don’t do the next wrong thing. NO MEN. NO MEN. NO MEN……..

Need something else to fill that time… Well start reading… “Surviving the Affair” and “His Needs/Her Needs” are the first two on your list. What about counseling, is that an option, you need to figure out why you are so willing to act this way…..

Would he be willing to post here and talk to us?

Plenty of us know how he feels.

That would be a start. Truth is, you can't do this 100 percent, as he wishes. You can't start a recovery with a "Make My Day" attitude.

The burden will be on you -- but he's going to have to reach out, too, to deal with his anger and pain. This might be a place for him to start.

If you cannot befriend the ladies, then spend some time alone. You don't, after all have to have friends at all.

You can take up reading, learn an instrument, learn a new language (by tape/online), get close to God.

You can spend the few months with no male or female friendship for that matter.

I agree no male friends other than work related.

Good luck and please keep posting.

Adrift,

You asked
This particular statement is the root of your problem. You wouldn't trust you either. In fact you don't trust yourself do you? You have no way to change things because you KNOW you don't trust yourself. I will be touching on this as I answer the rest of your questions.


Short answers. You cannot make right what you have done. You have harmed your marriage, your H, and yes yourself with your choices and actions, and there is NO going back in time and making what you have chosen to do right. You need to first face this very harsh fact. Frankly, I am not sure there is anything you can do to show HIM you are serious. But there are something you should do IF you are serious. The major one is address why you don't have boundaries. Specifically, why do YOU think it is alright to have sexual or even emotional relationships with men you are NOT married to? Why don't you have that boundary and why doesn't crossing this boundary bother you? Frankly, you need to seek counseling to address this issue. If you cannot address this issue, then whether you convince your H or not, you WILL cheat again, and the marriage will be over.

You see when you married you made a vow to your H, and family that you would be faithful. But, what is often often forgotten is you made a vow to YOURSELF to be faithful. You have cheated and lied to yourself, and until you stop doing that, there is little chance you will stop for anyone else including your H. He KNOWS this now. If not in the words I have used, in his gut he KNOWS. You have NO personal boundaries.

Do you see where you might need to do some work?


Good for you. That is a first step. But, I ask again why did you even let them in, why did you not kick them out of your life BEFORE your H asked you? You need to be proactive in protecting your boundaries but first you must have them, then you must defend them.

You don't and never will "deserve" his love. His love is free given, it is a gift. But, like most gifts if the giver precieves that you don't value the gift, another will not be given and that one will be taken back. You need to understand that he "gave" you his love because he wanted to. He did not give it to you because you deserved it. What you failed to do was appreciate his gift and treasure it. Do you see what I am saying? You need to change your perspective.


You cannot fix the past. You can fix you and that is the first thing to be addressed if you are serious. As to is it possible? Yes it is. Is it easy? Nope it will not be. You need a plan and a change of perspective and should include counseling, it should definitely you looking inside and deciding what YOUR boundaries really are. If they match your H's belief in what boundaries in should be in a marriage that will help. But, first you MUST STOP betraying yourself, before you can consider not betraying him.

You cannot drive him into another woman's arms any more than he drove you into the arms of these various men you have had affairs with. It is his choice, just as it was yours. To the extent you had influence on him, you have for the most part given that up when you stomped on his "gift". First and foremost work on you.


Your words were not moronic. They were used to protect you and allow you to have your cake and eat it too. They were not uttered stupidly, they had a purpose and you need to face this.

Your actions were not moronic either. They got you what you wanted especially when you felt there was not "cost" to doing this. You could classify your actions as "childish", "selfish", etc, but "moronic"? Nope.


Ok, but WHY do you want him back? What is so special about him? You need to realize these things first. Then you need to make a plan to address why you felt it was OK to do what you have done. Then you need to act on it. Once you have done these things and have taken precautions to make sure you are protecting YOUR boundaries, perhaps THEN you can explain to your H what you have done and why with regard to changing your views, your boundaries, and your actions. This will NOT solve many of the issues of what you HAVE done, but it might give him hope about what you MIGHT do in the future. Just saying "I'm sorry", really will not help. It needs to be followed by consistent ACTIONS.


Do some reading of ALL of the articles. Find a book about personal boundaries, seek counseling and learn about how to protect your boundaries. Make some decisions about your LIFE and how you intend to lead it, whether or not your H is in it. You cannot heal him from 10,000 miles away. You could perhaps give him hope via your actions and insights.

I hope this helps some.

God Bless,

JL

JL, I think you misunderstood me. I meant, if *I* were him, I wouldn't trust me. I don't blame him for his distrust, but that doesn't mean I think I'm untrustworthy. I just want him to see my sincerity. At this point, it seems impossible.

I'm so confused right now. He's asked me to do all these things, he asked me to come here. He asked me to cut those guys out. And now he won't speak to me. At all.

He wants me to make 100% effort, whether it should be that way or not, is irrelevent. I am willing to make 100% effort, but how can I even do so when he won't communicate with me at all? Why did he ask me to do any of these things if he's already made his mind up and not even talking to me? Why is he asking me to make any effort, at all, if he hates me and no longer wants me? (Love and hate aren't opposites, you can love someone and hate them at the same time...)

This is why I'm confused. I know what I need to do and I want to be able to do it. I understand wanting me to suffer, to pay for my transgressions and the pain I've caused him. Is that all it is? Am I extending my hand to someone no longer there, just because he wants me to feel anguish?

Those of you who've been where he is, is that what's going on now? Is it really over, but he just wants to string me along.. so that I can feel his pain for a while?

Probably part of him does want to hurt you back. Part of him probably still loves you. And much of him is angry.

Just as you claim to love him -- but acted contrary to that love -- so he is acting in self-contradictory ways.

You might check out the thread of hopeful_person, who was also in an impossible situation some time back. But please do take Just Learning's words to heart. You really need to do a little self-examination.

Meanwhile, it would be helpful if he posted, so we could help him, too -- we can help him whether or not he wishes to continue the marriage. He doesn't have to commit to recovery by posting.

Adrift,

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Young lady you are missing the whole point of what I said, and I believe you therefore missing what your H is asking.

You inquired
The data clearly shows YOU ARE UNTRUSTWORTHY. Period end of story. Until you face this FACT, you have no hope of convincing your H you are serious. You cannot possibly be seen as sincere IF you don't realize that you have shown that your word, your vows, and your promises have all be violated by YOU. Frankly, I doubt you could possibly trust yourself, because YOU KNEW that doing what you did would hurt your H, that is why you lied to him. Yet, you did it anyway. So why do you feel you are trustworthy? Why do you feel your H could or should trust you with his heart? How do you plan to protect his heart?

Now you MAY think that having affairs is being true to yourself and true to "who you are." But, if that is so and you trust that you will always be true to yourself, then what does marriage mean to you?

You really need to think about this...alot.


Nope, I am sure he won't right now IF your opening part of this is how you express yourself to him. He can sense that you truely don't understand what he needs from you, and that is to know that you have internal boundaries set in place that YOU WANT that will prevent you from doing again what you have already done.

Please reread what I posted to you before. Your 100% effort right now does not include him in any way. Your efforts need to be directed inward to address YOUR issues and perspectives on things. Until you get those straightened out to your liking, he has no role in this recovery.


Dear Lady to quote Eli Weismann The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. He has not shown indifference. You are making a bad assumption assuming he hates you. It is called a "disrespectful judgement" (DJ) and it is the MOST DEADLY of all love busters read about them here. He is hurt, he is afraid, he fears he is not good enough of an H for you, hence he is pulling back. What he does not do is hate YOU, although I am sure he hates what you have done. He asked you to work on these things because whether he fully understands the process or not, he senses that YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOURSELF and decide for yourself the type of life you want to lead...what are your boundaries and how are you going to protect them.



Has he stated that his goal is to make you suffer? If not, it is very possible that he knows you are focusing on the wrong things, and thus there is little he can offer you until you do start to work on the correct things. You said he mentioned you coming here. Why do you suppose that is? I think it is because he KNOWS you don't "get it yet", but he is hoping by coming here you will learn to, THEN you two will have many things to discuss.


You need to understand something. If he were no longer there, he would file for divorce right now. It does not serve his purposes to have you in anguish either, because he knows that you have established no boundaries so you being in anguish will lead you to seeking some other man to comfort you. He knows you need to deal with things YOURSELF and not seek other men to cover up what you have done with sex, comfort, or whatever.


It seems unlikely that it is over, if he has not filed yet. You are very unlikely to feel his pain Adrift. Your focus is purely on yourself and your pain and potential loss. You have no idea what he feels and has felt. But, you will IF you change your perspective and realize that if you lose him it will be more about HIS internal pain from this than what you did or did not do.

You really really need to think about my first post to you.

God Bless,

JL

Adrift,

JL has given you some very good advise..."address why you don't have boundaries. Specifically, why do YOU think it is alright to have sexual or even emotional relationships with men you are NOT married to? Why don't you have that boundary and why doesn't crossing this boundary bother you?

Back in boot camp they told you that you were going to "find out what you're made of". Well, guess what Adrift, it's that time again. Time for a "gut check". DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO TURN YOURSELF AROUND? You can only answer that question honestly by looking inside yourself. A long hard look! Honest evaluation...no bull [censored].

IF you can stop and be honest with yourself, there are many here who can (and will) guide you out of this mess and help to get your life squared away. BUT you've got to want it. No BS, no lip service...want it and be willing to do the work.

Right now it'll all be about you. Focus on you. Save the marriage damage control 'til later. If you're not squared away, the marriage never will be...FACT!

Let us know if you're up to it.

I know when I was seriously hurt and betrayed by someone, I wanted to see actions...I didn't want to hear a word about their pain. I wanted hard core proof, through actions.

I wanted them to shut their mouth, stop their self-pity, and show some real changes.

I loved him more than life, but as Ron said...bull-****** just didn't cut it anymore...and without changes (which take time) words are simply that.

Time to walk the walk, and not be concerned with what it will do for you as far as he is concerned. If it is sincere and earned...his love will remain and he will safe enough to take a look.

I'm the husband. I'm more than willing to post here - it's the reason I asked her to come here a month ago in the first place. I thought she would seek advice. Yesterday I requested specifically that she post. I'm glad she has.

I figured there are people here that are *not* dealing with the anger towards her that I am right now, and can get the point across correctly. I try to, I want to - it's simply a losing battle at the moment.

Hopefully they have more luck than I have.

She said I could chime in if parts of her post were incorrect, so here goes.

Number 1 - I did not log the last conversations. I specifically told her "I am giving you a chance you don't deserve, make SURE the logs are turned off".

I would assume, anyone in my situation knows why I said that. If they are there, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I COULD NOT READ THEM. I don't know anyone with that sort of self control.

Number 2 - The logs I read, did NOT indicate to me she had lied about who she slept with. I wasn't even thinking about that anymore. In the back of my mind, I knew the whole time - at this point I was numb to the fact I suppose.

What I *did* see in the logs, was her telling this person she slept with, how she was agonizing over being unable to get in touch with her other "Friend". On and on about how "Should I do this?" "How would you feel about that?" "I don't know what to do" "I'm going to go over there". It was made quite obvious, that at the very least, some sort of mental affair, if not physical was going on.

I asked about this twice. I was lied to, twice. The third time I asked a story came about, that she was doing it to upset the guy she had slept with, so that he would stop bugging her. No offense, but if she was telling me she was going to leave me if I didn't tell the truth, and THAT was the truth, I'd have said that first.

But then, I do not understand her mind anymore - so who knows.

I love my wife very much. I'm still madly in love with her.
I have been more than willing to work through this. All I asked was for the lies to stop. I did not care if she had slept with one man, or ten. I just wanted to know, and for it to stop. It wasn't the truth that was hurting, it was the lying. Certainly, her being with other men hurts. The lies hurt far more. Most of you know this I know.

My anger gets the best of me more often than not these days. I try to control it as well as I can - but being an already somewhat angry individual this just makes it harder.

Eh, really not sure what else to say. I've retold my side of things so many times it's almost memorized now.

I am up to it. I am ready for it.

Yes, he has said he wants me to suffer.

As for filing for divorce right now? I don't know. Financially, I have been supporting him for the past 6 months. He hadn't worked, hadn't really looked for work. He spent most of his time on the computer. He says I have no right to know, to ask him anything. I do feel I have a right to know whether or not he's leaving me.

If he's hanging on just so he doesn't end up on the streets, that's pretty shoddy. I do NOT feel I owe him my entire paycheck, so I can set up house for him and his new lady friend.

There was ANGER there. I am not making an excuse for what I've done, but I didn't just up and decide to cheat because I'm a heartless, wanton woman. I didn't feel loved, I felt like he was willing to leave me in a moment, I felt USED by my husband.

If he's unsure, I want to know. If he wants to work on this, I want to know. I feel I have some right, as a human being.

I CAN do this. I CAN be a faithful, loving, committed wife. I won't let my bitterness and anger get the better of me because I want this marriage to work. I really want it to work! I have what it takes to turn this all around! I can do what needs done. I'm in counseling to deal with my own issues that led to the affair. I'm willing to make the changes needed to make this work.

I just want to know if there's even anything to work on. I feel I have, at least, that much right to know. If he gives up, I feel I deserve to know.

I love my husband and I am willing to take whatever steps are needed to work on our marriage. I don't even know how to begin without him even being involved.

I am willing to do anything he asks. I'm willing to take whatever steps are needed. I'm willing to work on myself and my insecurities.

I can't sleep, I can't eat. I sit at work and cry all day.. not knowing is tearing me apart. One moment I'm angry, because I don't feel I should have to support someone who no longer wants me, at all. The next I'm desperately sad because I know this is all my fault. The next I wish I were dead just so I didn't have to deal with all this agony. The next I just search for some shred of hope that something can be done and I can begin to rebuild my marriage.

I'm a total mess..

I don't know how to do this 100% completely alone without any kind of support..

I haven't read you whole story yet.
But I hear your pain. ((((adrift))))
It looks like you are headed in the right direction taking responsibility for your actions. Be patient...it takes time to heal for you and for him. Each day choose to do the right thing. Take it day by day...hour by hour....minute by minute. You will get through this one breath at a time.

Keep posting...you are at the right place. Vent here not to him right now. Meet his EN because you want to not because you feel obligated to...it won't feel sincere.

Welcome, hehbetrayed. It's good to hear from you.

The boards can be slow at time. So be patient for feedback.

OK HB,

Atleast we have the both of you in the right venue. I suppose the standard greeting is in order...SORRY TO SEE YOU HERE, but MANY wise and experienced folks can now help both sides repair this "rift".

Have you read any of the material here on the MB site? Lot's of insight available. Takes some time to wade through it all, but is necessary to gain understanding of the problem(s) that are going to be addressed. Have you read Dr. Harley's His Needs, Her Needs or his Surviving An Affair? Another (indispensible) book I would recommend is Not Just Friends. Yes, it's time to get educated about what went wrong, what is wrong, and how to overcome it all.

Experience would indicate that it's best if you start your own thread so that individual plans can be formulated, and that each of you receive the right advise (also tends to stop the "he said, she said" stuff that only compounds an already exasperated situation).

As a BS (betrayed spouse), you've got your own "issues" with which to deal, so let's get some more of the pros involved. You educate yourself. Adrift educates herself. And with some luck and some VERY hard work, you two build a marriage for yourselves.

Yes, been reading as much as I can, whenever I can for about a month now.


She asked me to correct what she said, only reason I spoke up otherwise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I was going to make my own thread when I have time to sort out my thoughts later in the week.

Forget I was here in this one!

OK HB,

Whenever you feel comfortable, start your thread. Let us know YOUR thoughts, YOUR feelings, and what YOU decide re. this "situation".

As far as "forget I was here in this one"...OH NO! The first step...you and Adrift have taken the first steps. Every journey starts with the first step. With some REALLY hard work and lots of honesty... Well, we'll see where "the journey" takes you two. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well I can understand about being away from home, loneliness, opportunity, etc. maybe leading to the temptation of an affair but, from my POV, these people have a far more serious problem.

Are we just missing something here?

First husband makes wife have an affair, then complains when she has another affair. Where is the boundary drawn? Exactly what type of marriage is this woman trying to save?

Sorry. I just have a fundamental problem with this.