I wish I knew why we have to experience so many different relationships/losses/lessons after our D.....while looking for "the real thing". I know this is a redundant, rhetorical type question to which deep inside I know the answer. I read on here of so many failed relationships....great ones too, but wish I could hear of more successes. And yes, you guessed it, I am coming out of another loss/break-up (I'm pretty certain). Anyhow...sigh....I am learning so much through all of this, and you know what???? Each breakup gets a little easier....isn't that scary?
If anyone has anything they'd like to discuss on this matter, maybe we could get a thread going....
Blessings,
KK

Depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for someone to give you security, completeness,etc...quit looking. I don't mean you should quit dating, just quit looking for someone else to provide those things for you. I don't think it is possible to be in a great relationship until you can find those things in yourself and your relationship with God.

Do you see a common factor in these relationships and breakups?

Why? because we haven't taken the time to learn what we need before we begin dating and our rose colored glasses are very good at fooling us.

How many relationship books do you have around your house? Now, how many have you actually read/reviewed. Have you really determined what you need, or just keep hoping it will find you?
(I say this because I have all these books and haven't taken the time to do the work. My friend did, and found her mate. Hence, I got her books. But she really did the emotional work to be ready for the right relationship).

Now, I truly believe if we don't learn the lesson, it will continue to come back to us to learn the lesson in the future. So, take the time now to learn whatever lesson you missed, so that you can have that great relationship.

Me, I'm taking a time out from R's because with work and kids, I don't have the energy.

FB widow,
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I think I have been looking for someone to provide security/completeness, etc. It is so crazy because I get anxious when I am not in a relationship.....and anxious when I AM in one. Can't afford a therapist, but probably need one badly. I'm sure I come across as being needy. I'm going to a singles seminar this weekend, so I am hoping to find answers and find friends who are experiencing the same thing. I have a friend who was married/ divorced/ then single for 8 years, and said she went through the same things I am going through, and that it is all very normal. But, it is not normal if one does not start growing and learning through these things. I hope that is not the case for me. This breakup has been much easier, and less painful. I could see that this guy just was not what I needed, but for a while I had been trying to make the relationship into something it wasn't. There just wasn't any communication...from day 1!!!! Which is what sank the boat in my marriage. What has helped me a lot is keeping a prayer journal, and continuing to pray and seek God's will in everything.....

Newly,
I agree that our rose-colored glasses fool us into staying in a lot of relationships. I have about 10 relationship books sitting around the house. While I read them, I agree with everything, then when I am in a dating relationship...I tend to forget the things I read!!!! Please tell me what books your friend read...(the one who found her mate!)
I'm sure it's true that the same lesson is coming back to me over and over....and I am tired of it, and want to be able to say I have finally learned what I need to learn!!!
Thanks for posting!!!!

KK

We don't forget what we read, we have difficulties establishing boundaries. I am the same way. We see what we want to see, so we mold people into what they aren't.

My friend reads all she can get her hands on. The Eharmony book and a long list of others. i've ordered the MB book too and still have yet to read it.
But I'm in a stage where I don't want to bother with anyone. I'm too busy with kids/work/life (and managing X).

Through my friend, I see the possibility of a good future relationship, but haven't worked the steps to have that for myself. But to know it is possible, is further than I was.

So, take a challenge, get through one of these books before you begin a relationship, then review when you are in an R.

Newly,
Are you talking about "The One" by Harley? I haven't heard too much about that one. Will have to see about the Eharmony book.
I understand about being busy with kids and work.
I teach school and I have 3 teenagers.....honestly, it would be much better for everyone involved if I just waited a few more years until all of my kids are in college. I'm just not sure I want the complication of stepfamily issues.
Thanks!
KK

I'm not D yet - but, we are heading down that path or at the least separating soon.

I just started to read Dr. Phil's book- Love Smart. It has a section that lists what type of person/relationship YOU want - I think it would help anyone with a "broken picker" or a person that dates for the sake of having a date.

Don't forget the book "What smart women know"..

I think my problem when this is all said and done - will be that I will really have a problem trusting (not only from a cheating standpoint, but every aspect of the relationship) or being emotionally available to right or the wrong guy. I may have built a wall so high around myself that even I can't get over it...

HUGS

how do you date for the sake of having a date? isn't the purpose of dating to meet people, get to know them and figure out if you want to have a relationship with them?

you can find some really good friends by going out on a date with someone.

i don't get it.

that being said/asked. i am a snob as well. i am constructing a wall around me as we speak. in fact the mortar needs a little water, its drying out. wait, the labor is union, time for a break....

A friend at work chose this path. She's only about 5 years older than me, but her kids are 25 & 23. So now she's available.
Some people don't need a relationship as much as others. I think I'm an independent personality.

I have to laugh because this week my X showed up at DD's first softball game (which he finally allowed her to attend), and I swear that there must be a chain between he & GF because they are never more than a foot apart. Seriously. So perhaps some people need that and others don't.

[color:"#666666"]KK,

My history was like this. I went into complete withdrawal after years of not getting any needs met. I filed for divorce and discovered that ex was having an affair. All in all it had been almost three years since we had really been a "couple" when I bought the house and he moved out. It was almost another year past that before I started a relationship with my BF.

So, for what it's worth, for four years I read relationship books and tried to figure out what was wrong with my "picker".

About six months after my ex left I started to browse a little. I was using an online site and would email once or twice then ask for a phone number. (If the casual email was not weird.)

Then I would call once or twice or more and see if they were weird or difficult to talk to...

Then I would meet for coffee and check out their whole person.

I must have emailed 50 guys, phoned maybe 5 or 6, dated 3 and picked one.

There have been times where I got cold feet and tried to give BF the heave ho, but he kind of stuck around and grew on me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's funny but once I started to really look and listen it was not too hard to weed out the bad matches and weirdos.

I think for me it involved developing a whole new level of confidence and poise and distance in order to evaluate people rather than just accept them.

I am an ENTP so I'm not usually judgemental, just accepting of whatever and that is not good for picking someone who doesn't dish out a lot of whatever...

V.[/color]

IT Hurts,
Things will get better, don't worry. Just keep reading and studying, and you will make it. I know I have, and I'm not doing too badly, I must admit, even after 3 years of being divorced. Thanks for mentioning the book "What Smart Women KNow". I will have to check that out.

Gekko,
I don't really date for just the sake of dating either, not at my age, and not after what I've been through. I just know when I try to take things into my own control, I mess it up, and I am much better off leaving things to God's wisdom. Of course, I don't feel that means we don't get out there and make ourselves somewhat available. Thanks for the reply.

Newly,
Thanks for the post. Yeah, there are definitely people who can't be alone for long. The guy I just finished dating happened to be one of them. What I didn't know, and what he didn't tell me is that he was just 2 weeks out of a serious relationship, where his GF did the breaking up with him bit. Can you say "rebound"? I really felt stupid when I found out, but glad I did, as we only dated a couple of months.
My kids are extremely important to me.....I want them to feel valued and loved, and don't ever want them to feel that I am placing a new love interest in front of them. Wow, that's a very fine line to walk....maybe it can be done, I think it would take a very special person to make it work.

V.
Thanks for sharing your story. I have followed it some....I love reading that you were able to develop new confidence and poise in myself in order to evaluate people. I am an INFP....I am extremely accepting of people, however when it comes to spiritual matters, I am pretty picky....
That is so cool that your BF stays by you, and encourages you, and that is what I hope to find also.