the whole situation is still raw for me so i might ramble on..so i'm sorry if i do..i am 30 years old i have recently found out that my husband of 8 years has had an affair..we relocated to a new state last year in jan. because he got a new promotion of manager..he chose the place that we moved into and it left us in the boonies..so in june he hired an ex military chick to help in the office..and now that i look back on it i had that gut feeling from the minute i met her..so in aug. he finally moved us into town and we purchased our very first house. he started bringing her over to hang out with me we have a home gym and she started working out with us. and playing poker and etc..she even watched my 6 year old and 3 year old so we could have some time to our selves..when we met her she was going thru a divorce with her husband and she was telling me how he had cheated with her friend and how it her and etc..

as time went by i kept expressing to my husband how his relationship was inapropriate with her because he was taking her golphing and stuff even though other people went at times..but he always made me feel as if i was overeacting or was paranoid..so about 3 weeks ago he accidently left his yahoo messenger open..i found some emails he made to some women in jan. on how he had a friend that was interested in her..and he sent a picture of him and her together..and i noticed there was a couple bra shots..

so i confronted him and he finally admitted after lots of telling him to or i would leave cause i already knew that he lied in my face when he said he didn't..because he couldn't even look me in the eye when he said it..so come to find out he had a 6 month affair/ unprotected sex with her..during the time he brought her to my house..i am just grateful that i am not a violent person..because i would have killed that wench..just for the fact that she tried to befriend me and watched over my kids..dealing with an affair is hard enough but how deeply his betrayal went boggles my mind..why bring her to my house..ok so this is not the end of it

he is her boss so he cant just fire her because then he will be faced with a law suit or being fired himself..which i think they both deserve it.but my husband has encouraged me to be a housewife from the day my first child was born..so he is our soul source of income..she claims she will be leaving in 9 months because she has to get certified so she can go back to iraq for a private company..i personally think she is waiting to see if we break up so she can collect on her handy work..so how can i even attempt to try to work things out with my husband when i know she is there everyday with him..they work in a really small office so there contact is pretty good..he has already admitted to me that they really have a good friendship and that is has been over sexually for them since nov..he has been honest about everything so far so i kinda find it hard not to believe that part..it took him a little over a week for him to tell her that they could no longer be friends and that is only because i told him to that if he didn't i would leave..because i cant try to work things out if i know they are still friends..

so my dilema is how do you work things out knowing the mistress is still in the picture...at this point i'm not sure if we will make it..but i have been level headed in this whole thing to know not to make any decisions out of anger..what i am working on right now is to pull my self together..that means to get over all my self esteem issues and know that it had nothing to do with me..it was his own insecurities and problems that allowed him to do it..so my goal now is to find employement..what sucks is i dont have any training in anything that i can use..so i would have to go back to school..i am not going to depend on him in anyway..if one thing i have realized out of this is not to rely on someone else to provide for you..that i should be able to take care of myself and my kids..because it does become an issue if we do seperate what will i do..i cant support myself let alone my kids..

so if any one has had a experince where you had to deal with the experience of having your spouses lover still in the picture while you are trying to work things out..it sounds so crazy when i look at it..i'm thinking who in there right mind would accept that and try to still work things out knowing the other person is still around..my head just might explode..i have never been this confused and lost in my life..so any comments or similiar experiences would be helpful to me..

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You are not going to want to hear this, but she has to be COMPLETELY out of the picture. As long as they work together, there will be problems.

Your husband needs to change jobs. That seems very drastic, but there is little hope for your marriage to survive if they continue having contact.

i've already thought about that i have been encouraging him to keep his options open and to look around because i believe he can find a job somewhere else doing what he does and he can probably make more money..i think he is scared to leave because up until this time we have been financially strapped this job has really pulled us out of barely making it...we are at the point where we have money left over every paycheck..he actually considered going off to iraq because they are really hard up for civilians who know computers..but i told him that would destroy what is left of us..i just wish she would leave..there is nothing left for her here..she isn't making that much money..she was complaining about how she was barely making it on what she gets paid..

it's just driving me crazy..i feel like i'm the one suffering for the stupid and inconsiderate decision that they both made willingly..they were fully aware of the consequences.. yet neither one is suffering..well my husband is from his guilt..but she is walking away like nothing happened..times like this i really pray karma is on my side...even though she already had a spouse cheat on her so i'm hoping karma will hurt her as badly as she has hurt me..i try to keep the bad thoughts of things happening to her out of my mind..because i keep thinking i'm not going to heaven if i picture horrible things happening to her..

but thank you so much for your thoughts i really appreciate it...it's good to have people reinforce thoughts you already have in your mind..it let's you know your not over reacting on certain thoughts..

Stick with us. Yes, you are the one suffering for their actions right now. It's not fair, but that is usually what happens.

If you need more input, jump over to general questions II. There is much more traffic there.

Know that you are no overacting and are behaving well under the circumstances. This stuff makes you crazy.

The husband will usually want to return to the marriage. You will get through this, but plan to be miserable for a while.

I'm so sorry for what your going through.
I feel if your husband is determined to focus on your marriage and you, then he has to do what ever it takes to make the marriage work. If that means looking for different employment than thats what he should do. This woman has to be totally out of the picture for your marriage to even start healing. Your husband has to take full responsibility for his actions. Remember actions speak louder than words. Everyday they are working together is going to torment you. You will be questioning his every move. He has to prove to you that your the number one person in life. It's going to take along time to rebuild trust. He needs do what works for your marriage.
Take care, thinking of you
Mrs-K

What I would do???

I would introduce your WH to the concepts of the LoveBank and Love Units and how the A is draining your LU's and once they are gone, you will give up...

He has given you a time for her to leave (which by the way, she will probably extend this) and not really a workable solution.

Explain that every day he goes to work with her you are losing LU's and at the rate you are going you WILL have a depleted LoveBank before too long...when? who can say.
But is he willing to risk this time and lose your love?