Just a few weeks ago, my husband admitted to me that he had been having an affair for the past seven months. As angry as I am about this, deep down I still have alot of love for him. We have both decided to try to reconcile. However, I got this email from him today, and now I am hurting even more knowing that he is still thinking about and missing the other woman. I guess that is only natural after being with her for that long, but for obvious reasons it really hurts for him to admit that to me. He said alot of hurtful things to me last night and admitted that it's because he was missing the other woman. I have asked him for the past few days to please start working with me on trying to get in 15 hours a week together of quality time, like Dr. Harley suggests. However, he doesn't seem interested in doing that. I'm pretty sure now that it's because he's missing the other woman. So, if he won't take the getting in the 15 hours a week thing seriously, what can I do at this point to try to save my marriage? I think starting to spend alot more time together than usual would be a great start, but he just doesn't want to do that at this point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He has been taking me out on a date every Saturday night since we tried to reconcile which is nice, but other than that I feel like we're spending very little quality time together. Here is the email that he sent me today about missing her:
Honestly, I love you bun, I really do. It is difficult not to miss her though. I try not to as much as I can, but once in a while I just miss her company.

I have to be honest with you. Each week, for the past 8 weeks I miss her. But with each passing week I miss her less and less, as in she is not on my mind as much. But when she is on my mind I miss her just as much as I did initially.

It is getting better though bun, it is honestly getting better. I am sorry to put you through this but I was very close to her. Last night I was grumpy and distant because I missed her then. I love you and I cherish our marriage now but I was very, very closely bonded with this person and occasionally I miss her.

Trust me though, if I had left you and was with her right now, I would be having ten times the withdrawal as you are my one and only bun. I would miss you more, and in the long run miss you for a longer period of time love.

I love you, I just have to write about this for it to go away. It relieves me.

I love you bun.

Hurting, even though it hurts you to hear him say that, it is a good sign. H will go through withdrawals for a few weeks, some longer. Some get anti depressents to help them through. You just need to be supportive and not push him to spend more time with you. That will come later. Did H send OW a no contact letter that you have read and approved? He needs to do that. You are on the right path. Everyone here will help you as much as possible. Listen to them, they have all been through it. You can save your marriage. It sounds like H is coming out of the fog.

It is completely typical what H is feeling, so be the best wife you can be and support him no matter how depressed he gets. Let him know you are there when he is ready. Good luck and God Bless. You can do it. I did and am still working on it. You can recover from this but it will take time and patience. It will be hard for you at first. Don't give up, keep posting your feelings and his. MBers will help. Get Dr. Harley's book surviving an affair. It will help guide you through.

I know it has to hurt to hear some of that stuff, but I really do think he is just trying to explain his 'moods' to you and is being very honest about what he's feeling...maybe it's time to 'step up' plan A a little and give him less and less opportunity to dwell on missing OW, I'm not saying force yourself on him, but try to make the time you do spend together pleasant and light...make sure he knows you are there for him and as long as he remains honest with you, you will help him get through this..

I sounded to me like he was saying even though he loves you more and knows he made the right choice in staying with you, he is having some moments of sadness for the loss of the feelings the OW gave him...I believe this is a crucial time when NC is easily broken so a really good Plan A is probably your best bet at the moment...Good luck to you...

Hurtingheart,

It will help you (and your H) to read this thread on withdrawal (just click on the link). I’ve created the above thread for both FWS’s and BS’s who are struggling with this and/or who want to gain more insight/understanding into the withdrawal process. I've also included advice/guidelines for BS's and FWS's.

Take care,
Suzet