Welcome, Butterfly,
You have found the best place I know of to have a wonderful marriage. Have you read about Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), The Love Bank and the rules of marriage? The links to the articles are to the right of your screen.
LH is giving it to you straight...I wanted to point out something I just learned:
"The thing that bothers me is that I thought at the core of marriage is acceptance."
Acceptance is for knowing we're humans; separate and equal, marvelously made. We accept we are two different people seeking to connect, for togetherness. Each have our own standards and boundaries...that which we do not allow ourselves to do to others or to ourselves; and the same for what we do not allow others to do to us. Very balanced. Full of respect. You wouldn't ask your H to accept something you do that harms him, like hitting him upside the head each morning to say hello, would you? I use this example not to be childish, but to understand that what you feel, think and believe is yours...and the same for him...he may only feel loved when you are appreciative...to what level, you'd have to give some examples. Still, part of it is his and part is yours. The half-and-half cream of marriage.
"If one spouse cannot accept the other spouse for who they are, then how can the marriage survive?"
Accepting each other for who they are is accepting them as they are, creations of God, wonderfully made, before a word is spoken or an action taken. Each other's actions is what it sounds like to me your H is talking about; though again, to what level (I'm allergic to the word "expectation" I don't know).
"I feel like a failure when he points out my flaws and tries to "help" me by explaining things that he thinks I don't understand."
Here is a love buster he is doing to you. You may have invited this behavior into your life by saying you're working on yourself in these areas...but you can say, "I hear you're doing your best to help me change. I appreciate your good intention. Unfortunately, only I can change myself, and I will...and when you help, I feel resentment for you."
Difficult to do when you fear intimacy, but it sounds like your own resentment will help you not fear intimacy. You can stop feeling like a failure pretty easily...by not believing you're one. You're human. You have issues. You're normal!
LOL
"I would like for him to accept me for who I am, but he states that we can't and won't compromise his values and what he believes is the right thing."
Would you like him to accept you for your actions or inactions, or for being separate and equal?
Hi values and beliefs cannot be compromised by you...they are his, about him and for him. He heeds his own standards and boundaries. My intuition says that we are talking about different definitions of intimacy, compassion and appreciation. Tell me what they mean to you, then we'll both know.
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"He has stated that he is willing to stay in the marriage with me if I will work on improving the problem areas that I have."
Have you heard of using "I" statements? Listening and repeating? Here is an answer for his statement:
"I hear you are willing to stay in the marriage as long as I fix me, is that correct?"
"I believe marriage is about the growth of both partners; each working on themselves in the safety of love...I am learning about love busters and want to look at my own. These questionnaires have each partner fill one out for the other...what I do to drain your love bank, and you mine. Would you help me out?"
And you fill out one about his and he does yours. Do not read them in front of each other...make a time to go over them and use "I" statements about what you see. He has some work to do, also...because what he's saying is called a disrespectful judgment (DJ). In any marriage, there are LBs to be eliminated...and you do that by changing your permissions to do them and your beliefs about them.
Take heart, Butterfly...you aren't defective or wrong. You really are as marvelously made as everyone...knowledge about love being a choice, not earned...how to maintain boundaries about yourself with yourself...and growing.
His Needs Her Needs is a great read. There is also a full book, Love Busters, which is awesome (these are available from this website). I also recommend Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend...helps to see ownership in marriage and rid it of blame.
Sustaining a marriage is a harsh perspective to choose. Setting your eyes on yourself in a THRIVING marriage, now that's one that will bear you great fruit.
LA
