HTW,
Oh yes, it takes quite awhile to sense the ebb and flow that recovery or even just survival takes on. Oddly, what I find most interesting after posting all of these years is that it takes awhile for people to learn to listen (read) what is being conveyed to them. It is really just the filters we all use in live. And being betrayed or being the betrayer all of a sudden throws in a new set of filters (often referred to as pain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ) that make information transfer hard.
But, gradually the information gets through, the filters change, and things are seen in a new light. People often ask "how do I know when to come out of plan B?". Well, that is really clearly stated in the letter one should send. That letter is a roadmap for both the BS and the WS. But, the more succinct answer is you will KNOW. The data will be obvious, hence being still is a good thing. Everyone needs to collect the data about themselves and their spouse.
There once a disc jockey here, who had been in the area for probably 40 years. He was close to retirement and was doing more of a talk show than playing music. One day he came on and made the observation after a particulary brutal murder, and the suspect being apprehended.
The TV people were interviewing the neighbors and they were all expressing great shock and suprise that this very quiet man could have done such a thing.
The disc jockey pointed out that his phenomena seemed fairly common but really was no surprise. His exact comment was "of course they are quiet, they could not hear the voices otherwise." I just laughed and laughed partly because it seemed funny and partly because he was very likely right.
Being quiet does allow you to hear the voices, but in most people those voices are our inner self telling us what we NEED to hear but have ignored during the stress of the situation.
It has been my observation in my life that when really big decisions needed to be made, when it came down to making them, there really wasn't a decision at all. Oh, I could chose to go in a variety of ways, but the data was very clear which option should be taken.
I like this site because in reality that is what Harley is talking about. He believed and believes that many marriages can be saved if people took the time to settle down and collect the data, consider the data, and make a plan to act on it. NOT all marriage are saved, but people will make the "right" decision more often than not if they can get past the strong emotions and pain of the very beginning of many of these things.
Thinks for the support and I do hope that your situation does resolve itself.
God Bless,
JL
