This is my first time on here and not sure of all your acronyms and codes. This may even be removed because of the details, I don't know I'm so confused!
on 12/2004 found out my spouse had asked an ex to go back to his room while away for meeting and she said "no". The way I found out was through msn chat. My spouse was signed in and he went out to run an errand and this woman went on and I casually and not knowing who this lady is I asked" wow when was the last time I saw you anyways". She said, "when you were here for a meeting". I said "didn't we hitch up". She said "no, you tried to ask me to go back to your room with you but I couldn't". I said, Oh too bad I don't even remember". She said "yeah you were pretty drunk". This was at a bar. The whole time she thought she was chatting with my spouse, but it was me, his wife. But as far as I know there was no physical contact between them. But they continued to have an emotional affair through msn chat and emails. She even called him and said she was calling from his office but I do know that there is no one from his office by her name. He admit that they had actually made plans to talk on the phone. She doesn't live in the same City. Then last fall 2005 I found out that my spouse tried to cheat again with someone else but passed out after a big drunk. The OP thought she was chatting again with my spouse again it was me and gave some clues away. So I questioned my spouse about it and actually tricked him into telling me. I ask him "what did the OP tell me on msn". I want to hear it from you and he said that they've done it once or so he thought. I made him call her and I listened on the other line and it was weird she denied ever doing anything with him when she w3as talking to him on the phone. But I found some things wrong because she started yelling at him after saying that they've never done anything that hes always tried to manipulate her with this and that he had asked her sister for an office affair and that another lady that was away for the same meeting wanted a three some. WELL MORE QUESTIONS. So I made him call this other lady from his office and again I listened and she said, "no way, I don't even talk like that'. And personally I called this lady from his office and I know her and she isn't that type of person. So I called her the OP and first she gave me this very explicit story of even oral sex. I told her she must have given him viagra because I've been with this man for ten years and even after 6 - 8 beers he can't get it up. I asked for details and she said that he had asked her "give me a head". Give me a head is broken english for her race and he doesn't have broken english! I know I've been with him for 10 years. So I called the OP again and confronted her with these things she said he passed out and he never got aroused. She undressed him when he was passed out and he never touched her or got aroused, he never even looked at her as far as I know passed out cold! This is so messed up. I'm afriad there maybe more but my spouse totally denies ever trying anything else with anyone else. We're still living in the same house but seperated and have 5 children. I'm lost dont know what to do. The other person says he tried to call her before and he denies it. I'm having a really hard time believing both because she has said other lies about myself too and my spouse that I know for a fact that are not true because the lies involved myself. She was saying that he was writting her love letters when it was me emailing her as my spouse from his email account asking her questions and they sure weren't love letters. She even made had even said' that wasn't her that was the curse". What in the world is that!! So that is why I had so many questions. They were quite mean supposedly from my spouse but it was me asking her what in the world are all the rumors around and alot of swearing at her and she said they were love letters to my friend. She also said my spouse asked her sister for an office affair. I made my spouse call her sister and I listened on the other line and he asked her directly, "did I ever ask you for an office affair or make passes at you or and advances at all and she said," no way why would you, why who is saying this". He said your sister and he said thanks I got my answer. When my spouse thought he actaully did it to her when he was drunk but then she says he passed out. I take that as he tried to cheat but didn't succeed. He has never told me anything on his own unless I ask. But seems sorry but withdrawn and quiet. I still feel something is wrong. I'm so confused. I feel like I love him still but not in love with him. Even after 10 years together I still had my spark and still got my butterflies but haven't felt in love or my butterflies since I found out about this. I have been seperated from him for 4 months but still in the same house. I have my own bedroom and he has the couch. I'll write again but I wanted to see how far this would go or see if it'll even get posted. This is a real love and hate relationship. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. He's not allowed to drink ever again if he even thinks Ill let him be a part of my childrens lives. I feel he not only betrayed me and my trust but also betrayed my children and there trust. The OP has made this very messy with even using personal things baout my children and my mother who is also divorced. Very personal. I feel like I could slap her but I am not that kind of person. She has called my house drunk and says that my spouse has always wanted her and he totally denies it. My spouse says if he wanted her he would have had her. But he has never wanted her. If I didnt find these things out myself he never ever would have told me. HELP!! LOST!!

To add to this. The thing is he is an excellent person over all and this affair thing doesn't seem to be in his nature. He doesn't or didn't seem to be the cheating kind. He was my best friend before we ended up together. We also grew up together. He used to treat me very very well and is again treating me very very well. But Right now I hate him. This is my second marraige. The OP is telling other people that they used to go out and I know for a fact that they never ever went out. I do know that she did have a thing for him when she was only 15-16 years old and this was over 10 years ago. He is 8 years older then her and he has reassured me that he has never ever had anything to do with this girl. He says that she used to have a crush on him and we both thought that it was just a teenage crush. I am 34 and he is 33. I would pick my life and children any day over my spouse. I have gone threw so many different emotions. This actually started in November and its the end of April now and I feel that I will never go on with my life or ever trust him again. Because if he thought he actually cheated with her, well I call that cheating. And when he actually tried to ask another woman back to his room (didn't succeed) then had an emotional internet affair. When we talked about the incident when he asked another woman back to his hotel room he said he probably never would have though. So why even go there. Why in the world would you even attempt that then. I asked him so what if she actually said yes. He says he wouldn't have done it though. Why when he can't even get it up after drinking would he attempt to cheat. I gave him my life, I took care of this man, I am hard working and have always been. I was a foster parent but gave that up as soon as this thing started in November. I guess I have been so hurt and damaged in the past from my first marraige that I am devostated by this. My first husband actually had an affair got the lady preganant then committed suicide. Because he was afraid I will find out about the affair. WELL YEAH. He got her pregnant and I only found out when the baby was born 7 months after he died the day the baby was born.
OMG I'm so messed up.

I think the intention to cheat is the issue, not whether hi succeeded or not. If he seems to loose his ability to make good choices when he's been drinking then voila he shouldn't be drinking when you're not around(or perhaps not at all?).

He must engage in the reparation of your relationship or it won't get off the ground. Has he ever entertained the idea of IC? My WH committed to ten sessions (I think initially it was just to appease me) after about 6, he said "I don't think 10 will be enough". He continues to see the therapist but still struggles will full accountability and I have a huge trust issue with him.

I am so sorry to hear about your past tragedy, I can't imagine your hurt, you are obviously an extremely strong person.

Continue with your strength to work through this situation and hopefully you will find what you need to see you through.

I wish you luck and peacefulness in your life.

Hi again. Thanks for replying. I honestly thought no one would reply because this seems to be such a sick situation. I am truly greatful for your reply. I had posted for help on a Christian help forum when this all started and not to my surprise there were no replies, AGAIN THANK YOU. I do feel like someone cares enough to read all this and respond.
Another sleepless night. I am sleeping more often now. But in the beginning I wasn't sleeping at all, sometimes it would be 3 days before I'd get any sleep or I'd sleep 2-3 hours during the day. Although we've been seperated for 4 months and still living in the same house. I feel like I need him here to take care of the kids. To make sure they get to school or if I hadn't slept he need to take care of them. I'm not a stable person still. He has gone to a councellor a couple times but of course doesn't keep going. And as long as we're still in the same house he sure as ****** aint allowed to be drinking at all. Example: he had a cooler from a friend (1 cooler) and yes I did scream at him and asked him what the ****** makes him think he'd even be allowed to drink one. He was quite sorry and ended up getting sick and throwing it up. He couldn't eat when I wasn't eating and so on. I wanted to make sure he watched what he created!! I never got a chance to deal with the issue with my first husband and I sure as ****** wasn't going to deal with this one alone. My first husband left me with 3 kids and I've got 2 with this 2nd husband. My spouse took care and loved my children as his own so 3 years after we had been together I asked him if he'd like a child of his own because he was a great father and spouse at the time and in the beginning after my first husbands death I promised and swore I would never ever have anymore children. I thought I was good with my 3 children and they were between the ages of 1 1/2 and 8 when my first husband died. I guess that is part of the betrayal that I feel. He knew I hadn't planned on anymore children and I trusted him enough and fell so madly in love with him I asked him if he'd like his own. I didn't just go and get pregnant, I asked him first we talked about it and now we have 2 of our own 4 and 7/12 yrs. He was also ok when we started living together with my plans of never having children. I feel like I gave my whole life to this 2nd man and look what has been done again and again and again. I am sick of it. I'm tired of cheating spouses. What is it with these men. My spouse says that It is not me. He says I am absalutely beautiful, vibrant and he says he always felt that everyone would want me. I had never had plans to stray from him. I know whatthat does to a human being, I lived that life in the past with my first husband. And it doesn't seem to matter to these men what you've gone through in the past. I think if I could trade places with him and knowing what the person went through and watched her pain from the past because he watched me when my husband died, he was my friend then. HOW COULD HE HURT ME LIKE THAT!!!!

What pisses me off is the OP acts like its all ok and to get over it she says on her bebo site. She acts like she has done no damage to this family, even goes as far as subbing in my sons grade 5 class and stares at him. But my son knew her enough and went to talk to his principal on his own and just told him that this OP caused alot of trouble in our family this last winter and he doesn't feel confortable around her. I went to his school and picked him up from his school. She has called my home drunk and helled at my son and she expects to sub at his school. I refused that I would rather pull my child out of school then to expose my children to this OP. I did speak to the principal and he did reassured me that she will no longer be subbing at that school again.

The big question I have is, does anyone think this is worth saving or SHOULD I GO>>>? BUT then how will it affect my children if I stay or go. I am from a broken home but I was already an adult when this happened with my parents. Also my fathers own doing with his cheating on my mother after 20years of marraige with her friend who was his coworker also. The cheating I think is what hurt us adult children the most and the very messy break up of our parents. Although we're all adults now and during this break up with our parents, it still hurt alot to see our parents apart. But you hear all the time from councellors that children would rather be from a broken home instead of living in one. I read alot of Dr. Phil stuff too. Anyone have any comments on Dr. Phil? He also says you cannot change what you haven't acknowledged. Thats true too.

You must get him to try counselling. He is obviously very confused and needs to talk all of this through. IMHO the person he should talk to at this stage should not be you. Try and get him to acknowledge that there is a problem and see if he'll consider counselling.
My H was too arrogant to this time last year, he thought he could "deal with it", and that the best way to deal with it was to "put it all away". Now a year later ha has re-contacted OW, been found out, been kicked out (by me) and is finally considering counselling.
BTW my H also tells me constantly that "I'm the one, he loves me, finds me v attractive" yadda, yadda, yadda, it's all confusion. It's all fog talk.

Thank you for you input. I honestly thought no one would reply. I feel like my story is another sick jerry springer story and should only be on jerry springer LOL. Thank you. Yes, I am sick of feeling like Im the only one talking to him or trying to fix things all the time and I'm sick and tired of it. The first time this happened was actually in Janury 2001 with the crazy OP and I just found out in November so this is very fresh for me. I mean this OP has gone as far as saying that that wasn't her in 2001 that it was the curse and then she actually starts speaking in tongues while rolling around onthe floor when shes gets drunk and says mine and my spouses name. OMG thats just creepy. I've had some people say that this happened so long ago with this crazy OP but hey this is very fresh for me, I JUST FOUND OUT. The part of him I miss is the good side of him. I know we all have a good side and a bad side but his good side was so good before he became jerk. I actually find he started changing after Janury 2001. AGAIN THANK YOU....

Read some of the stuff here on how the WS turns into an alien.
It is so true!
You try and try and try to talk and reason with them but they are quite simply "not there".
It exhausts you, I'm pretty sure that it bores them and yet if you don't "talk" you feel you are doing nothing and sitting back and leting them trample all over you.
Try and step back. Try and implement plan A. If your WH stsrts speaking "fog babble" (see the threads, v funny and true) then learn how to speak it back.
Save, save, save, your energy, thoughts and needs for a time when you are BOTH ready to address them. You can't do it by yourself and if your WH is trapped in the fog he can't be any help at all.
Try and keep a journal (I find this invaluable) and read all this stuff. I'm new here and I love it, it all makes so much sense. I'm learning every single day. And that makes me feel strong. I hope it will give you strength too.
Kate xxx

Also read some of the stuff on here about "fear" by Pepperband. It is very insightful, it will help you to feel strong.
The no sleeping and not eating are normal, try and overcome them you really need to keep your strength up.
Your WH is in a very selfish, scared, embarassed, ashamed place right now. It is very easy for him to get Highs from the OW, you are making it easier for him if you are (completely unbderstandably emotional, upset, accusing, -everything am guilty of too.)
If you implement plan A (for a specific time)then he will see how reasonable, kind, sensible and wonderful you are. He may not give the imnpression of taking part or noticing anything, but if you can try and imagine the heightened state of awareness your WS is in with regards to anything directed at him, he will see your kindness and acceptance (despite his apalling behaviour) and hopefully start to think.
Read the book, hatch a plan, take control. You can, can, can do this.
P.S If you love someone, it is always worth it. Whatever happens.
Kate xxx

I can't offer any advice, just support. Last week I found out while my husband was away on business last year that he got drunk and slept with a woman he just picked up at the bar. Its hard, I know, you think you know someone and you trust them completely, and WHAM, out of nowhere you feel like your world falls apart. Just know you are not alone. Like everyone else I've *met* on this board, we're going to work through this together. Just hang in there.

Just checking.
How are you today?
Kaste xxx