We have been doing good so far, so I thought. I realized H wants his cake and eat it to. He just told me the other night that he wanted to spice up our sex life. He told me that he would like for me to be with another man. Now, wouldn't this cause alot of problems here. I told him that I would never do that and he said he would not ask again and he understood. Has anyone out there had this type of question ask of them from their WS? As the typical excuse, he used it as one of his fantasies, just like the affair, being with a black woman, which lasted for 9 months a few years back. I asked him, how many fantasies does he have. I told him, I may have some fantasies, but I have no time for them, maybe when I'm old and gray. At this point and time in my life, I have kids to raise and a marriage to save. I also told him that if this is what he wanted in me, we could divorce, which he said he did not want and understood, but does he really? Any advice out there?????

In my opinion, fantasies are fine, as long as they remain fantasies. Some people are unable to realize that they are not real, and it seems like it is mainly men.

I've read stories here many times where a fantasy made real caused all kinds of problems, especially a fantasy involving another person.

I'd be interested in other's viewpoints.

Is he into porn too?

brokenheart...

you are missing a great opportunity to open up communication and intimacy with your husband....

make no mistake there is no question in my book about inviting third parties in to a relationship and i will digress as usual further on...

BUT

I want to take to task your response to your husband...

he took a risk...
in telling you this fantasy....

and your response is very very important in building you two closer...

this is a very slippery slope and requires thought and trying to see the conversation as an opportunity to build...

in my opinion you set him in his place...
you kind of put him down...

you basically said...I don't have time for fantasies...period..
I have kids to raise....

you pretty much rejected him on many levels..
placed him less importance of the children

This is a communicator stopper...

he hit you with a big gun fantasy...
a bad one
BUT you pretty much closed the door on his face on all fantasies....

Was this your goal....

Here's what I think...

this is an opportunity to set a clear boundary on third parties...
but it is also an opportunity to open other doors between just the two of you...

Do you want an intimate relationship with your husband

do you want him to feel as valued as the children..

heck I got small children...
but that don't mean I can't have fun....

do you see what I am saying...

what if you went to your husband and said..

I need more romance from you...

and he said..
romance...romance...!! I ain't got time for no romance..
I got kids to raise...
can you see how you might feel..
can you see how he might feel..

sounds like he took it well but in truth he may be withdrawaling from you...

If your husband had an affair there is no doubt that his belief in fidelity is skewed....

your role in rebuilding is working with him to bring him to a higher understanding of true honoring fidelity between two people...if you choose to do so...

if not if your goal is to raise the kids with him just there in the house....
you may get that..
but if you want a relationship in which you both are a soft place for each to fall...

you need to seek humility and humbleness...and seek understanding....

what is it you want...

and these are not agressive questions..but they are soul searching ones for you..

what is the bigger picture of the marriage you want to create

how do you get there.....

NOW for my response to third parties...

believer is correct (as always) that fantasies in the cerebral world are fine and dandy....

and then there are fantasies that can be shared by two people.....

but here is where YOUR boundary comes to play...

husband...
I will never in my life abuse the gift of human sexuality to include other partners outside of a committed marital relationship....

what i desire is the building, creating, and maintaining of an awesome intimate and sexual connection with you and you alone.

The using of third party on a sexual realm goes against the very structure of what I desire with you..

it devalues that third person in to a sexual object
it is turning away from eachother to create a false closeness between you and I when in reality it destroys and undermines the intimate connection...

I don't want another man...
I don't want to ever use another man

I want YOU
I want to be YOUR woman
and I want you to be my MAN...

ARK^^

You have brought up alot that I had not even thought about. The A is still a thorn in my side, since it was right before Christmas that I found out. I know he didn't feel like I didn't care about what he wanted, we have started to communicate alot more since the A. That's why he has started telling me about his fantasies and things of that nature. He does watch porn, but I have no problem with that at all, because I'm there with him while he is watching it, I may not pay attention alot of the times, but he knows I have no problem with that. I just don't want to cause more problems in our marriage right now. I have a sister who went through with her husbands fantasy, which, she still see's this other man. I've been through alot in my life, my first husband passed away in 99, then in 01, I broke my leg really bad and I'm crippled from it, can still walk, but can't bend my leg. I don't let that get me down, and can keep up with the best of them somedays. I do understand what your saying, I will think on alot of things now, which I never thought about.

Yes he watches porn here and there, but it isn't everyday. I watch with him sometimes, but that part doesnt bother me, it's him wanting me to be with another man. We have talked about it, but he said that if it did happen, there could be no intimate contact,such as kissing and other things, and I asked him, well why even want me to do something like that then. Also, I aksed him if I had asked for another woman to join us and i told him the same thing goes, he said, just about the same responce I said, then why do it at all. I told him that he couldn't have it all his way.

That was a wonderful post from Ark...just my opinion Broken...but I'd spend a bit of time digesting that one.

All the best to you,
Banyak

Thanks, I need all the support I can get at this time. I'm trying my very best at this. I just wished it would be easier than this. I know through all the books, posts, and counsiling, I pray it will work.

OMG!

I had a girlfriend whose H wanted her to do a threesome with a mutual friend. The end result was a Divorce. Since her XH already laden with issues including alcoholism, she fell in love with the other guy, she got pregnant, divorced the husband and married the other guy!

Bad, bad, bad of your H to even think of asking you! This is a fetish, a dangerous fetish that he has! ARRRRGHHH! He should be toasted! SEX is exclusive only between a husband and wife!!

There are OTHER ways to spice up your sex life! He needs to learn to explore them without involving another person!

SHAME on him! He should've been upfront with you before you two got married of his fettish for threesome! He's got the markings of a swinger!

Your H does sound like he is big on fantansies, staying in them. In today's times, seems that this one is the latest trend adding another peson to the mix. However I do agree with ark it would've been better to discuss it rather than strongly, like rebuke him. Which is what it seeems that you did. This may only encourage him to hide it. Gosh, I'm just wondering if we are being revisited by the influence of Sodom and Gomorrah or what.

About this quote, what does the OW's race have to do with it. Did you mention that he wanted to have an A with a black woman as a part of his fantasy or what were you trying to convey here?

He did live out this fantasy with the black woman. He said growing up, his dad always drilled it into him about if the chance ever came up to do that, go for it. I have nothing against black people, my best friend is black. We have been talking alot lately, and I have learned alot about him, which I should of been told from the start.

1. Had an affair with black woman which lasted for 9 months.
2. He said he loves women with big breast and would love to see as many as possible.
3. Wanted me to be with another man.
4. Also, found out, also wants another woman involved.
Reason for not telling me from start, he said he knew I would of never considered to even be with him, which might of been true, but honesty is better than this.
I do love him and we have been doing alot better since we have started to communicate more on what we want and need just from one another.
I told him that I understand about his childhood and his father drilling alot in him. I know that we can make it through anything if we are honest with each other.
I know most men have some of these fantasies, which some women want to be with two men.
We have come along way since the A. He knows if it ever happens again, that's it.
We both are friends of one of my ex's, which from time to time he comes over. There have been things that my ex has done to me, which I tell my H and he gets really upset, just a few weeks ago, my H was outside with our contractors and my ex came inside, I was asleep, and he came in and kissed me. I told H. Now if he got upset about something like that, how could he possibly want me to be with another man?

I took your advice, but it all back fired. What else is a person to do? I know with no doubt now, that he is planning on meeting another woman on Monday, her H sent their emails to me. I haven't let him know, but it is soon to come about. I'm so numb inside right now. Should I go to his job to where she is picking him up? And then expose that I know, or do I let him know before hand? Please I need some advice and in a hurry.

Why not be honest and tell him you know? That her H knows?

You said another affair...which from the emails is already a fact was a deal breaker.

You said "that's it."

Where's your quandry? Simply state you know of the A.

Then you file.

Unless you made a threat instead of boundary.

LA

I received another email from the OT H this morning, he said he was drunk, but would find the rest of their emails and send them to me. My H promised me, he would never step out on me again and we were talking alot more, so was it just a front for him to continue? I believe so. He knows if he goes through with this, it's over, he loses me and the kids. I can't continue to be stepped on or made a fool.I will show him the emails that I have already today and see what kind of lame excuse he tries to tell me this time, but as for trusting him and feeling, he took it all this time. I wanted so much for him to of been changing but I guess I wanted it so bad that I believed him. I set bounderies, no threats, because he knew what would happen if something like this were to happen again.