My WW wanted a divorce. Said she needed a clean break and time to heal herself. Said it was the only chance we had to ever be together again. My counselor says that after meeting with her a few times and seeing her behavior, he believes the divorce is an act of desperation and that she doesn't really understand why she's unhappy and that she thinks this is the solution. He believes her when she says that she eventually wants to be back with me and that it will be a very tough thing for me to deal with if I decide to hang on.

So I gave her a no-contest divorce through a mediator. Let her keep almost all our stuff, the kids, everything. She started showing affection to me and she gave me a hug the day she left, told me to have hope and keep faith, kissed me goodbye, told me she loved me for the first time in months, and then left. She is not seeing anyone. She had a one night encounter with a guy and it was the only time she was unfaithful sexually.

So now I left the city where we were living and am on my way to where she is so I can be near her and the kids. I had 9 hours on the road, which gave me a lot of time to think. I started feeling anger towards her for her infidelity and the destruction of our marriage. I was a good husband to her. I treated her well, stood by her side through some serious illnesses, sacrificed promotion in my career for her, provided for her, loved her. On her end, she feels I didn't stand up enough for her with my mother through the years. She feels I never gave her credit for her contributions as a wife and mother.

When I deployed for the war, she had a lot of time for herself and was alone with the kids for the first time in our marriage. She stopped taking anti-depressants, which she had been on since the birth of our boys. She lost weight, started dressing nice again, started seeing old friends, picked herself up quite a bit and decided to confront me about how I had handled my mother's presence in our marriage. She decided to confront me on the phone after a long mission where I had been flying all night, hadn't slept in over a day, and was emotionally exhausted. I didn't respond well to her demands that I cut my mother out of my life. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for her and she decided that our marriage was over at this point.

She created a profile on an internet site and used it to flirt with other guys. She went back to our house in Wichita and went out with 4 of these guys that she had been talking to online. One of these dates led to a guy performing oral sex on her at his place, and she touched him but didn't have sex with him. I know this because I found all this out when I came home, found his number and called him. He told me everything and told me he hadn't seen or talked to her since that night, which was 3 weeks after their encounter.

So we go through 2 months of he** after that night because I'm trying to get over her infidelity and she tells me that if I want to save our marriage I had to let it go, pick myself up and become the man she had fallen in love with. A lot easier said than done when you're dealing with the devastation of infidelity. It reached a point, however, where she told me that she needed a clean break and felt divorce was the only way she could heal her wounds.

We get the divorce and a week later at dinner she tells me that she had been molested by a family member when she was 11. It is the first time since I had known her that she tells me such a thing, but it makes me see and understand her behavior. I finally understand where her depression, anxiety attacks, lack of trust for others, awkward social habits, and over exageration of my faults in our marriage came from. I urge her to seek help for this or at least do research on the long term effects on her.

So where do we stand now? I finally arrived to my father's house, half the distance to where she lives. I get out of my car, get online and find she has a new website setup. She posted pictures of herself on there and included a picture that she took for me while I was in the desert. It is a sexy picture of her and one that I held dear while I was gone. I was devastated that she would post such a picture online. I called her to tell her how much it hurt and she responds by telling me that we're divorced now, that she still sees us together but that she has to see a lot of changes before we reconcile. The conversation ends badly and with me in tears.

I sat down at the computer to write a very long e-mail to her about how I feel I need to let her go completely because I can't be sitting by waiting for her to come around while she's on the internet flirting with guys. I lay out all my grievances against her for the way she treated me the last 2 months I was home. I told her that her infidelity was a slap in the face to me, her telling me there's hope while flirting with men online was a slap in the face, and I mention some other things she did the last few months. I tell her that I would be more than happy if she returned tomorrow with a real determination to reconcile, but that I'm not going to wait for her to do so. Her response was this:

do not contact me right now other than for the kids...i don't appreciate how you have been talking to me lately and no longer wish to deal with it. i'm tired of you talking down to me and talking to me like i am trash....trying to make me feel guilty when i have nothing to feel guilty over with my site...you need to realize right now we are both divorced people right now...i didn't do this as rehab for our marriage, i did this because i no longer wanted to be in a marriage where i was so unhappy and lost...yes, i have had hope that we would end up back together in the future when the time is right, but i never said i would put my life on hold to achieve it....if i want to go have some fun dates, that is my business...no i am not looking for relationships, just to go out and have some fun and companionship....and no, i don't have a ton of friends here...and the two best ones i had are no longer really, but i won't even go into that right now....just as you are pissed so am i...you haven't given me one day's break even since i left and continue to hassle me about my actions when you have no business monitoring them....i told you if you kept checking on my site you would come into stuff u didn't want to see....so you continued to monitor me, so you got exactly what i said....you are becoming less and less of the man i wanted to see and it saddens me... assuring you there is hope for the future has done no good...so for now, just approach it as simply two divorced people living our lives....since this seems to be the only way left anymore...

take care and let me know when you are coming to see the kids from your dad's place


So that was her response. She wants to go on "fun dates" and not have relationships. According to her. She did respond to the fact that I was very hurt by her posting of a picture I felt was intimate. I told her that if she had any respect for me at all she would remove that picture from her site and she did so.

So now I sit here, broken hearted. I want desperately for her to come to her senses and restore our family, since we have 3 kids. Her mother feels that all of this is going to hit her someday and she'll want to come back to me and reconcile. On my end, I believe she'll enter the world of single motherhood, the lonliness of single life, and will find that our marriage was not that bad. The thing is, I have decided that as much as I love her and want her to come back, I have to protect myself and not simply hold my breath waiting for her to come to her senses. I have decided to minimize my contact with her and have gone a whole day now without calling her.

So does anyone think she'll come to her senses? Is not contacting her my best course of action? I call her parent's house to talk with the kids. I talk to our nanny or her parents but not to her. It's only been one day of no contact with her, but I plan on continuing to do this. Will she respond to this? Does she see me as her fallback guy? I'm really trying to implement the 180 in order for her to see me differently and I really believe she'll regain her senses someday, but feel it may be too late when she finally does.

My family and friends think she's been cruel to me and had no real reason to breakup our marriage. Her own friends feel the same way. All are telling me to let her go and that I would be happy with someone else. I really want to start carrying on with my life and take care of myself. The thing is, we have three children, a 3 year old girl and twin boys that will turn 2 soon. I believe I owe it to them to wait for her to emerge from the fog.

Divorce is never the answer, but it is the one she has chosen. You see in her own words that she feels that there is hope we'll end up back together, but I feel she is very much in the fog. This is her way of trying to figure out why she's unhappy.

I really believe her molestation when she was young is a major factor in all of this. By all accounts from my friends, her friends, and my family, I've been a good husband. I'm not perfect and even acknowledge her grievances. My IC believes that in her own twisted logic she will come around because her actions have not been typical of someone in a divorce. She showed me affection, let me use her parents as a source of support, is ok with me living with her best friends until I find a job, plans on letting me see the kids as much as possible, wants to get a house near me to do so. She told me that she's so optimistic that we'll be back together that she left the Christmas decorations with me and didn't go after our retirement funds in the divorce. Her parents believe she'll see the light someday, my couselor believes it, and even my family believes it. My family, however, doesn't want me to get back together with her when she finally comes around.

I really believe she is very much in the fog. Her behavior the last 4 months is completely uncharacteristic of how she was in our marriage. She was affectionate, attentive, and supportive. I believe that my absence during the war had a great impact on her and was crucial in her going down this path. She didn't have me there to talk to about our problems and she escaped her lonliness on the internet. She had guys telling her all she wanted to hear and felt she hadn't heard from me. The guy she cheated with said all the right things at the wrong time and she fell for it.

Her behavior in many ways has been contradictory and shows she still has feelings for me beneath the surface. She said she wanted to leave me, yet she came home and cleaned the place and came out to greet me when I got off the plane. She brought my daughter to meet me because she knew it would be important to me. She slept at my side every night and even put her arms around me when she knew I was hurting. She comforted me when I cried and tried several times to reassure me about the future. She went with me to counseling sessions before and after the divorce and assured me and the counselor that this was her way of resetting our relationship (this is something he says is a sign she's sincere about eventually coming back, since it would make no sense for her to go to counseling sessions with me if she didn't care about me anymore and shows other behaviors that tell him that in her bizzare logic she is simply looking for answers to her unhappiness). She went out with me every Friday night and met me for lunch almost everyday. Her biggest complaint the past few months was that she felt smothered.

One Saturday I started feeling particularly mad at her and decided not to contact her for the whole day. She took our nanny out every Saturday in order to give the nanny a break from the kids and take her places on her day off. I was in the habit of calling her several times during the day while she did this, which she found annoying. Well, I didn't call her at all this particular Saturday and I had dinner made and ready for her and the Nanny when she finally came home. She told me she was pleasantly surprised that I hadn't called her and she gave me a hug and showed me affection. She told me I didn't have to stop showing her affection or attention, but simply cut back on so much of it because I was smothering her.

So now she's gone and has the kids. She still holds that I can see them as much as I want and will get them every other weekend. Her last message to me is the one I copied and pasted on this post. I really believe she is very much in the fog and is sincere about someday reconciling. I want this to happen, but believe that I have to basically carry on with my life to include possibly dating again before she'll wake up. I believe I shouldn't contact her right now so she can feel my absence from her life and will come to this conclusion on her own. I believe she'll likely go on a few dates with other guys from this site, but that none will connect with her the way I have. I believe that the fact that she has 3 kids will be a big turnoff to a lot of the guys she will meet. I believe she'll see that no other man will lover her children the way I do since they are my own.

Any thoughts? Advice? Is little/no contact with her the best policy?

Papaof3

While a WS does not deserve the children, the BS doesn't have to give them up.

She sounds unstable. Can you prove it. R U in a position to take custody of the children?

I'd seriously consider it.

Your XW is quite wacked out. Is she taking any drugs or medication?

L.

This is the e-mail I sent her that I mention in my previous post:

(Her Name),

I'm warning you now that this e-mail is a major vent. I am angry. Very angry. My feelings are turning to anger and I have to get things off my chest. You need to see what I'm angry about and you need to know what I'm feeling. What I have to say will likely make you mad, but I have to say them.

I had 9 hours on the road today to think. At first I was feeling hopeful about heading out and starting this new life. Things changed to apprehention as I drove along since I don't know what's going to happen in terms of work. Of course, my thoughts turned to us as I drove and lots of things hit me as I drove and thought about us and our situation.

You know exactly how I feel about you. You know I love you deeply and would be very happy if you came back tomorrow. Howevever, one thing I realized as I drove is that you no longer have any respect for me. It's in many ways my fault, because I haven't given you much to respect, but I see now that you have no respect for me.

There are things I have always considered sacred. Our marriage vows, intimite things between us, our memories of things that we have done together. I really see now that there is no respect on your part for me or for the sacredness of the marriage we had or the things that were intimate between us.

If I ever hurt you, I would apologize repeatedly for whatever I did to hurt you. I have done so now, and have apologized many times in the last few months for what I have done over the years and for what I could have done better. I can't undo the things that hurt you, but I can always tell you that I'm sorry and I know you know that I'm completely sincere. I am very sorry for hurting you in the past and can't undo the things you're hurt about.

I know that it upsets you that I looked at your (blog) site. I checked because I don't want to hang on to false hope and I'm seeing that while there may not be false hope, hanging on to you right now will only lead to pain because of what you're doing. (Blog site) has become a thorn in my heart. The mear mention of the name brings me pain because I will forever associate it with your infidelity and what you did to our marriage. It really hurts me that you would put a picture that you took for me and my own private use and view and post it online for the world to see. Guys that visit your site will now get to ogle at a picture that was dear to me and that I looked at in the desert so many times and thought about my beautiful wife at home. I looked for hours for that picture after it disappeared and hoped that I would come accross it again after I lost it. Now I run into it on the internet, on a site the woman I love is using to meet and flirt with other men. A picture I held dear to my heart and felt sorrow when I lost it is now online for the world to see and for other men to ogle at.

What is sad is that you don't see that putting pictures of yourself like that on the internet demeans you. You are sending all the wrong signals with those kinds of pictures. Instead of putting pictures on there showing you in a normal situation, you have pictures of you in just your bra, showing cleavage. Yes, it hurts to see you do this because I love you, but it hurts more that you don't see how dangerous a signal you send out to men who don't know you and how demeaning it is to yourself to put up pictures like that. You state in your statement that you don't want people to come to your site and tell you "that you're hot" or things like that, yet you post a picture of yourself in just your bra. It's contradictory, it's dangerous for yourself, and it sends all the wrong signals. I know in your mind you think it isn't a big deal. What's the harm in a sexy pic?

What's wrong is that you should make men earn the right to see that side of you and not just post it and make it so easy for them to see. You don't realize it, but those pictures send all the wrong signals and it hurts me that you would use a picture that was intimate to me so that you can attract other men. You're basically soliciting yourself.

While I was halfway across the world thinking of you, missing you, wanting to come home to be a better husband to you, you were at home, flirting online while married to me, going out with them.

You say it was a slap in the face because I wanted to see a close friend the day you left. Having you announce to the world that you were a divorced woman when you weren't was a slap in the face. Having you go out with 4 men in the 2 weeks before I came home was a slap in the face. Having another man kiss you, fondle your breasts, kiss your breasts, touch you below, perform oral sex on you and having you get him off while still married to me was a slap in the face. Knowing that you then gave him a ride in our family van, one that has a sticker on the back that says, "Air Force Wife, Toughest job in the world" was a slap in the face. Coming home and having you not tell me you cheated on me was a slap in the face. Having you openly keep your website for weeks, knowing how much it hurt me was a slap in the face. Trying to create a new one so you could continue flirting online was a slap in the face. Having you go out with a man that you admitted to me you were attracted to a mere 48 hours after our divorce was a slap in the face. Having you tell me "for better or for worse, till death do us part" and having those vows become meaningless was a slap in the face. Having you tell me that there is hope for us and that you have no intention of dating anyone yet you have a website that tells the world you're looking to date and have a serious relationship is a slap in the face. Having you take the kids and all our stuff and dissolving our marriage is a slap in the face. Making me settle for the scraps of time that I will have with my kids is a slap in the face.

I had my sins as a husband. Yes, I screwed some things up. I screwed up how I handled my mom, I screwed up in saying some things that I shouldn't have. I didn't give you enough praise or credit for your contributions as a wife and mother. I always kept you at a little bit of a distance because I was afraid of getting hurt. Yet, I stood by your side through some terrible times. I fought tooth and nail for you with my commander to the point that it is what led to his weak recommendation to promote me and is what killed my career, but I didn't care, because you were my wife and I was supposed to stand up for you. You tell me about how I didn't do enough with my mom in terms of standing up for you. What about what I did with my career? With the only job I ever wanted to do and the only thing I ever wanted to be? I stood up regardless, because you were more important to me, because it was my duty as a husband. Because nothing has ever been more important to me than you and the kids, but I don't think you appreciate that at all.

I supported you and stood by your side through every anxiety attack, depressive episode, and visit to the hospital over various illnesses. I stood by your side when you were having your brain issues, working my butt off to find ways to take pictures of past x-rays with our camera to mail it off to the specialist. I helped carry you or hold you countless times during your hospital visits. I put medicine on you after you had your surgery in Altus, comforting you because you cried at the embarrassment of it, but I let you know that I didn't care because you were my wife and that this was part of the vows that stated "in sickness and in health."

I was always understanding of your stomach issues and how difficult and embarrassing a problem it was for you. I supported your dreams and goals, paying for school equipment and courses you've barely touched and encouraging you to pursue whatever goals you wanted now that we were back in the States. I told you everyday that you were sexy and attractive to me. I told you everyday that I loved you. I gave you cards and gifts and knew that I had to work on being more romantic. I wasn't where you wanted me to be, but I was committed to improving as far as being a romantic husband and a good father were concerned.

I praised you while I was gone in the desert to anyone who would hear about how great a wife and mother you were and how awesome it was to have support like you at home. I looked away from women and didn't talk about them out of respect for you. I told other guys in my group that I didn't dare talk about or look at other women because it was direspectful to my wife.
At the same time, you were flirting with men online, and going on dates and being unfaithful. You couldn't wait 2 weeks for me to get home or even have the respect to break things off with me before doing things with other men.

I was halfway accross the world fighting for our country, fighting for you and the future of my kids. I know it was demanding on you. It made me love you more while I was gone. Feeling like I was going to die several times made me see you and the kids were the most important things in my life. Yet, you were at home, doing the things you were doing. Buying other men cards and gifts. Telling them that they took your breath away. Sending them messages with inuendos. Posting it in the open for all to see. Telling men, "You know you want me" and dismissing it as harmless chatter when I confronted you about it. I can tell you that I have had many female friends in my life and never have I turned to one of them and made jokes like that, especially while I was married.

As I drove on and the hours and miles piled up, all I could think of was your infidelity. I could not, and still cannot believe that you would violate our marriage in that way. It is even more amazing to me that you have given me half-hearted apologies for doing it. "I'm sorry, but..." is not an apology. Do you not feel any guilt? Does it not disgust you that another man layed hands on you? Do you not feel bad for having cheated on your husband? I already know the answer to that. To you it was a fluke incident. An aberration that isn't how you normally act. Regardless, it happened and it is huge. Infidelity is defined as something you wouldn't do if your spouse was there with you. Meeting single men you've met online while you were married was unfaithful. Flirting with them online was unfaithful. Doing what you did with (the guy's name) speaks for itself.

No man will love you the way I do. I saw you give birth to my children, had you stick by me through UPT. Saw the joy in your eyes at the fact that I was living my dream. I saw you put up with the crap from my mom and still give her a chance in order to make me happy. You are the mother of my children. The woman I swore my life to and the one I still love above all others.

Few men out there, especially young ones, are going to be thrilled at the idea of getting involved with a woman that has 3 kids. Instant family isn't something that is too attractive to a lot of single men. I know because I was one.

What I don't get is why you would turn your back on a man who loves you and the kids more than anything in the world. I love them more than life itself. I would die for my kids. You have turned your back on a man who was willing to change the things that made you unhappy and work on our marriage. I have told you I'm committed to saving our relationship and making the changes you wanted. We were only 4 years into our marriage. I saw the mistakes I had made and was committed to fixing them to make you a happy woman and a happy wife. We could have spent the next 50-60 years of our lives loving each other like we're supposed to as husband and wife, yet you couldn't commit to saving our marriage. I was ready to grow old with you. I love you so much that I could see myself taking care of you as you got older. Doing things for you that maybe you could no longer do for yourself. My love for you is so great that I would be by your side, taking care of you if you ever became terminally ill or suffered some horrible accident or simply started getting old. Why? Because I love you and made a vow and nothing was going to change that or how I felt.

The fact of the matter is that I'm starting to realize I deserve a lot better treatment than what you've been giving me. You have been very cruel with me these past few months and have hurt me terribly. You have left me at home, alone on Saturday nights, while dressed to the nine's, oblivous to the pain of seeing my wife go out to the meat market that clubs are. You acted disgusted at my expressions of pain when I've tried to talk to you about the things that hurt. You've set aside cards and letters that I took the time to write you and let them sit for hours, despite the fact that I was pouring my heart out to you on them. You've dismissed my pain over your infidelity, telling me I simply needed to get over it, doing nothing in the process to try and regain my trust. You lied to me about your "friends". You jumped back onto (blog site) before divorcing me, telling other men you were going to leave me before I even knew. You bought another man gifts and cards, yet couldn't send me an e-mail saying "Happy Valentine's Day". You dismissed my hurt over finding these gifts and cards. You made me feel guilty about wanting to see a friend who's only ever been a friend to me, despite the fact that you're online telling people you want to date and have a serious relationship. You divorce me, then proceed to create a secret bank account, withdrawing money without having the courtesy to tell me you're doing so, and then proceed to continue using my account to buy t-shirts online, music, and clothes to wear when you go out clubbing. You then have the audacity to try to make me feel guilty because of how you're using our account and my concern over the amount of money I have to start this new life, yet you have over 30k in your account.

Yes, I know you could have made the divorce worse and kept it civil because we need to preserve our relationship for our children. I know you didn't go after all the money you could have. I know you still showed me some affection after our divorce and you have continued to reassure me about our future together. But it still hurts like ****** to see the woman you love moving on so quickly and being so cold to you. It really hurts to see her telling the world she's available and ready to date, all while using a picture of herself that was once intimate to you.

I know I'm not a perfect man. I know I can be boring. I know that I am messy and need to cleanup after myself more. I know that it bothers you that I don't like to go to clubs and the meat market aspect of them. I know I've gained weight. I know I haven's spent as much time with the kids as you want or clean up after them as well as you and (Nanny). I know I didn't praise you enough in our marriage or stood up for you enough with my mom. I know I play too many video games and am not as romantic as I should be.

Despite my flaws, I have a lot of good traits. I'm honest, to a fault. I'm loyal. I told you every single day that I love you. Thousands of women wait years to hear those words from their husbands, but I said it daily. I'm eager to please. I have stood by and told you that I am willing to work on our marriage and make myself a better man to keep you happy.

I have come to the sad realization that I need to let you die in my heart. I cannot stand by, waiting for you to change your mind and come back, while you're doing the kind of things like (blog site). I know you'll go out with guys from there. I know that it's likely you'll end up alone at some of their houses. I know it's likely that something will happen with some of them, be it something as small as a kiss or as bad as sex. It's already happened once and looks to happen again. I can't bear the thought of you doing things with another man and couldn't stand the idea of you doing it now.

You tell me that there is hope, yet you show me all the signals that you really just want me out of your life with the exception of the kids and the child support. What you're doing on myspace and how you treat me don't exactly tell me that you're looking to heal and come back. They tell me that you're looking to move on, maybe looking for something better. "I'm exploring all options" is what you told me when you said you were going to give me a chance, knowing in the back of your mind that all you really wanted was a divorce. Now I hear the same words, but now they're applied to a webiste that people use for dating and flirting and that you're using to meet men. I could almost understand using it in Kansas to try to make friends, but you have a ton of them in Maryland. The only reason to be on that site is to date and flirt with men. I'm sorry, I can't stand by on the sidelines, praying for the day that you come back or see the light, while you're on this site and dating other men. I need to have more self-respect than that. I can't believe you can so easily turn your back on our marriage and our family and resort to this. No man on that site will love our children or you the way I do. None. None of them will love you the way that a man loves the woman that has given birth to his children, stood by his side through tough times, and been through so much with him. Not a single one. You have all you could want with me and I'm ready to give it to you, but you don't see it and you desire desperately to get a break from me.

I worried sick the day you traveled with our kids. I sat and hoped that they would behave for you and your parents and that everyone would get back ok. I called to make sure everyone got there safely, because I cared. You knew I was driving a long distance tonight. You know that driving such a distance could be dangerous. Would it have killed you to call to see how the drive was going? To see if I made it ok? I feel that I'm simply a nuisance to you now. I am "pushing you away" by wanting to talk to you. I have spent the last 7 years talking to you several times a day, kissing you before leaving for work, calling you throughout the day to see how the kids were doing, how you were doing. I called everyday to see if you wanted to have lunch with me. I would then call to tell you when I was going to come home. I spent the evening with you and looked forward to having you hold me every night as we went to sleep. Now that's all gone. You tell me you don't want to date anyone in particular or see anyone specifically, but you're sure as ****** putting in the effort to meet people for that. What do you expect me to do in the meantime? Hold my breath hoping you'll want to come back after a few bad dates and experiences with jerks? Stand by while I know that the woman I love is flirting online with other men, giving them more attention than the man that has given her 3 beautiful children, years of his life, and loves her more than any other woman in the world?

I can't do it. I am going to give you all the space you want. Hanging on to you right now and the hope of our future is too painful. Seeing what you're doing is too painful. Knowing I mean little to you right now and am a nuisance to you is too painful. I'm leaving the ball in your court. I need to minimize my contact with you, not because I want to, but because it is too painful to see you do what you're doing and see that you care so little about me. My emotions are too raw right now to see what is happening and the direction you're going. I need to have more self-respect. There's no way you will ever come back to me if I keep groveling the way I have been. It saddens me that our marriage and relationship has meant so little to you and that you've walked away so quickly and are so desperate to move on.

Hon, I am so sad that this is what our relationship has crumbled into. This isn't how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to grow old together, work through our problems, and raise our children together. Now we argue all the time, I cry constantly over having lost you, and feel this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. We were supposed to work through our problems, together, not run away from them. I am and was so willing to do that. Now you move on. It is too painful for me to stay in contact with you right now if you're going to do what you've been doing. The ball is in your court. The relationships you will have right now will pale in comparison to what you and I can have. Maybe you need to see it for yourself, just as I did years ago when we broke up.

The sad thing is that our children will suffer in the long run. You and I will find a way to move on, but they will suffer long after we have put this sad chapter behind us. The day will come when they understand that their parents are no longer together. The day will come when they will feel torn between us and feel divided loyalty. They will long, for as long as they're alive, for their parents to reconcile in some way and get back together. I do it now with my parents, longing for the old days. They will have to deal with step parents, maybe step siblings, and the odd tension that comes at family events when they will have to divide their attention between parents.

I will make an effort to move on. I am already trying the best I can and have opened myself up to going on friendly dates with old aquaintances. When I get to MD, I plan on going swing dancing again and being open to going out with other women. For a long time, my heart will belong to you. But just like (famous recent movie) says, "The heart dies a slow death." Mine will die a slow death for you, but it's already happening. Despite what you tell me, I see very little right now that tells me there's real hope. Actions speak louder than words, and your own actions with this webiste tell me that you are saying one thing, but intend to do another. Your callous use of a picture I held dear to me and was once taken only for me shows how little you value the things that were sacred in our marriage. To you it's an innocent website, but your pictures and words show otherwise and it sure as ****** is anything but innocent. If you're looking to attract another man, one that will be respectful to you and our kids, putting pictures of yourself that are like that is not the way to do it. It sends all the wrong signals of what you're looking for and is contradictory to what you say you're looking for.

I'm moving on. My heart is yours for now but it won't be that way forever. I hope that you come to your senses before my heart dies for you. I don't see it happening any time soon. You want me to be patient, which I could do, if you weren't doing the things you're doing. It is too painful to witness and it shows me how little you honor what was ours. I deserve better than this. You deserve better than what you're exposing yourself to online.

You have your break. Contact me when you're ready to approach me with mutual respect. Reconciling will not be possible as long you continue to flirt with other men online and insist on maintaining a presence on a site that is a reminder of your infidelity and betrayal of our marriage.

I have never purposely disrespected you. If you feel I have disrespected you because of how I have handled some things in our past, you know full well it was never intentional. What you're doing now is intentional and it hurts and I will not sit by waiting while you get "weighing your options" out of your system. You're the mother of three children and should be acting a lot more responsibly than you are. You're putting them and yourself in danger by being on that site and slapping me in the face by posting a picture of yourself that was intended for me to think of you while I was deployed.

If you have any respect for me at all you will remove the one picture which was an intimate thing for me. I know you won't because right now you don't care about how I feel and see no harm in the pictures you've put on that site. They are going to bring you the wrong kind of attention. Even if you never come back to me, I would hope you find a man that would respect you and be good with our kids. This isn't the way to do it.

I love you. I want to be with you and I want to resume our lives together. We're in the prime of our lives and should be enjoying this time with the one we love. For me that is you. You have had a second chance at life that many others didn't get (she survived cancer). You've been blessed with great parents, beautiful kids, and are surrounded by love. You have a man that wants to love you and that you once loved very much and had a beautful family with. For some reason right now you don't see it and it hurts like ******. Please see it before it's too late.

My arms are open for you to come back, but it won't be that way forever.

(my name)



This is the message I sent. I wouldn't mind getting feedback on it. My friends think I was too kind but that it was good I was taking a stand. Is it full of LB's? Should I have done this?

Papaof3

U realize that most WS' have short attention spans? This means that while what you wrote are your thoughts and you got the chance to get this off your chest, that it is falling on not only deaf but dumb ears? Ws' can't hear nor comprehend.

Given the above, don't feel bad. You said what you felt you needed to say. If it makes you feel better, than that's ok. Just don't expect her to 'get it'. Instead she may retaliate.

How are you fixed for getting custody of your children?

Btw, I wouldn't recommend taking her back 'as is'. Know that many a BS have written such heartfelt letters only t/b disappointed. Instead I want you to concentrate on making yourself a better person and getting custody of your little ones before the WS does something stupid.

take care,
L.

I won't take her back "as is". I plan on making demands of my own. I really believe she will cry over all of this one day and ask for forgiveness. I have already forgiven her, but I will demand certain changes if she wants to come back. I will ask the following:

1. Website must disappear. It represents her infidelity to me and it must go if she wants to reconcile. Changing it by adding me or making it a family site is uncacceptable. It will forever represent her infidelity to me. If she wants a website, she can use a different blog site.

2. There must be complete openess in our marriage. We must return to having open cell phones, bank accounts, e-mail accounts.

3. I want her to follow MB programs for rebuilding trust and our marriage.

4. I will ask for a post-nuptual agreement that simply addresses infidelity.

5. I want a sincere and hearfelt apology for her cheating.

6. No more contacts with single men from this website. If she has friends of the opposite sex she wants to maintain a friendship with, it must be done completely in the open and it must include me. I will also demand that she not spend any time alone one on one with any of them. I would do the same.

7. She has to make an effort herself to repair the damage done with my family. A letter or e-mail to my family requesting forgiveness for having hurt their son/brother would be a big step in doing this, but she must understand if they are skeptical.

8. She must promise to be understanding if I ever have a moment where something triggers a reaction to her infidelity, despite my efforts to move past it. I will try to not react with anger or LB's, but she must understand if I have moments where I'm upset and quiet and don't want to talk about what is bothering me until I'm ready to.

Those are the ones I can think of for now. I'm sure there will be more. I know my ex. She is not a heartless person and will one day see the light, even if she's not with me anymore or if I've moved on. I believe at a minimum she'll feel guilty and apologize, even if she may not want to return.

I plan on carrying on with my life. I will find a new job, now that I'm separating from the Air Force I'm looking hard. I will start swing dancing again and resume a normal life. I will be polite and civil to her when I go see and pick up the kids. Basically, plan A and 180 stuff. I believe it's what she's starving to see from me. I just have had a hard time getting to this point.

No promises....she must show by action, not sporadically but consistently. It must also be put to the stress test.

If she complains or whines.....she goes backwards.... no extra credit for a whiner.

L.

This is what happens when we let someone who is out-of-control drive the car. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It looks to me as if your WW has dictated terms throughout the entire situation. And you've obligingly followed along. Because she's had a leadership role all this time, I have to wonder if your Plan A wasn't DOA. (????)

I think if it were me, I might revise my Plan A to include 180's. Here's the list:


I'd also step up my involvement with the kids. No matter what happens with your relationship with WW....your kids need you to be integral in their lives.

As far as respecting her wishes for NO CONTACT unless it regards the children, you needn't necessarily be compliant with HER dictates. That said, I'd keep the contact within the 180's list.

It's good to keep a WS guessing. You become more intriguing when they can no longer predict your next move. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

After you've put in a really stellar Plan A...move on to Plan B. But wait until YOU are in the driver's seat. She'll have become somewhat complacent by then, and maybe even a bit reliant on you.

There's no point in going NC unless she's going to notice that you're gone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Who is the family member who molested her? Was that person outed and prosecuted? Is that person anywhere near YOUR KIDS?

I`m with Orchid. I don`t think your W should have the children. If she is hooking up with strange men she met online she`s not playing with a full deck. She has no sense of danger.

I would get those kids back ASAP. They need to be with the parent who will properly care for them and who will set a a good example and keep them out of harm`s way.

I don`t think that at this point you can save her but you can save your children.

I also think there is ALOT more to her story than you are privvy to right now. That`s why she has asked for the D.

I spied on her quite a bit and know that all she's limited to is the website. She has continued to tell me that there is hope. I haven't talked to her in a day and really want to talk to her today, just to say hi.

I know her well enough to know that she won't expose the kids to anyone from this site. She has a nanny she'll leave the kids with and she'll go and meet these guys at public places. She'll never introduce the kids to them unless she became serious.

No, this person has never been outed, but it is important for me to ask if they're still around. I will ask her this and agree it is important. I know it wasn't either of her parents or her brother. I'm guessing it was a cousin or uncle.

I am really trying to do the 180. It's really hard, especially when you love someone so much and want to talk to them all the time.

I would not trust your W one bit right now. I don`t think she has a lick of common sense.

Do you know what kind of men troll the internet? You don`t think it`s possible that she hooks up with some nut who might follow her home? It is wackos who frequent sites that hook up perfect strangers. What your W is doing is extremely dangerous.

Your W has been willing to throw her M into the dump heap so she can carouse with strange men. I don`t think it`s such a stretch to imagine that she may one day put your children into an even MORE dangerous situation that she already has in order to be able to run around after strange men.

From what you have described I think your W has some mental issues.

There is a pedophile in my H`s family. He was after my H and I do believe that something actually happened but my H around age 13 but my H is loathe to discuss this with me. This man wrote a long creepy sexually explicit letter to my H after we were married and my H showed it to me. I flipped.

My H comes from a large family and DID NOT want this to become common knoweldge. He did not want the rest of the family to find out. I did not want our boys near the man. H was afraid that this would cause a huge family stink. He did not see how we could prevent our boys contact with this man without everyone becoming suspicious. I didn`t give a hoot about his family being supicious, I did not give a hoot about causing a big family stink either. There are several boys in the family I felt they ALL deserved protection.

To make a long story short we stopped attending all the big family functions when this man was to be present. I took the blame for it....I let the family assume I was a snob. We didn`t tell though and I still feel guilty about that. That was the wrong thing to do.

My point is you have VERY LITTLE (actually next to none) control over who your children are exposed too unless you are RIGHT THERE. Do not count on your W keeping your children away from the molestor. You cannot count on your in-laws either. They may not want to cause a "huge family stink" This is common, unfortunately MOST people behave this way IMHO which is exactly what the molestors count on. That`s how they are able to molest for years on end scores of kids. People are afraid of making a stink.

What is happening to you is so unfair. From what you have posted I don`t think this really ever was about you at all. I think your W has some serious problems that pre- date you. You can`t fix this. Hopefully one day your W will hit her rock bottom and decide to seek help. You don`t want your kids anywhere near her when she hits rock bottom.

Papaof3,

Having read this thread and having read some if not all of your previous threads, one thing is glaring clear. YOU ARE IN THE FOG.

Quit communicating with her, just talk with the kids. Quit, this "woe is me" stuff. You are divorced, you accepted the divorce, you gave her the kids with little or no effort to maintain contact via court ordered times as near as I can tell.

But, most of all YOU are divorced. You need to go NC just as a WS spouse needs to go NC. Your children have just a few shots at happiness in their lives now, and the biggest and best chance they have is if their father deals with this, and moves on to make a much better and happier life for himself.

You W is gone. She is your exW now. Given her history she will be with other men, she will be in other relationships, she will mess up big time until and unless she seeks counseling for her trauma of sexual abuse. YOU can do nothing about this, other than be the father your children are really really going to need.

Your next wife needs to be much better than the person you are divorced from now. I will not say that your next W won't have a surprisingly strong resemblence to the woman that you just divorced but it cannot be and will not be that woman.

I know this is tough on you. I truely think you need to stop apologizing for HER issues. You need to understand that until she addresses her issues, you should NEVER remarry this woman. Frankly, your marching orders are very clear. Get a job, get your relationship with your kids on firm ground, love those kids deeply because they are going to need it, and make a life for yourself that YOU enjoy, that makes you smile, that makes your family (parents, siblings?? whatever) smile, and that makes your kids enjoy YOUR presence in their life.

Right now you are worried and focussed on things you have absolutely NO control over. Further, you are not supposed to have control over. Papa, your exW is lost to you. She is NOT coming back. Unless she really addresses her issues she cannot come back and even if she tried you should reject her as a candidate for your W.

I know this sounds harsh. I know you want hope. But, there is no hope with the woman you are dealing with now. Where there is hope is that you have grown, learned, and are prepared to prosper in your own life. There is more than hope for that. I think there is every possibility that you will make a success out of your life, and the people that encounter you in their lives will be the better for having done so.

Be a good father to your kids, and start the rest of your life. You will never forget this, you will gradually lose the feelings as you go to NC. But, what is really important is that you learn from this. That you see it for what it is and was, and learn lessons that will help you in the future.

Get some counseling when you can afford it. Do more reading here. Work on YOUR plan for the future. You have served your country well, and you should be extremely proud of that. You obviously have many things to offer the people around you, please start to focus on these things.

God Bless,

JL

You sound like my friends and family. It is tough to simply move on, obviously, but I am trying. I am opening myself up to dating on a friendly level again and am very aggressively looking for work. She and I will live near each other so that I can see the kids regularly. She has not denied them to me at all.

I will talk to her about exposing our kids to this family member. I don't believe it is someone she sees much at all. I will take drastic action if I find out the kids are exposed to this person.

Yes, I am concerned about her blog. She and I met on the internet. I believe she'll go on a few dates and see that the single life isn't as fun as she remembers it. I really think she'll wake up to what she's done one day, but it may be too late for me at that point. I don't plan on waiting. I plan on doing exactly as you say. Find a job, get on my feet, be a good father to my kids.

Thanks for the encouragement. I don't agree with all you say, but it doesn't mean I'm not listening. Luckily, I get 6 months of medical coverage after my separation and plan on using it to continue counseling. I'll try and continue after I get a job.

Thanks for the words.

Papa,

Look at your last post. Now tell me what was it all about???

You know the answer...HER. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR children. She has NO PLACE IN YOUR LIFE. You are divorced. I am really on you about this, because until you accept this fact, even IF she decided to seek counseling and return, you are NOT PREPARED to handle it.

You have too much anger, to many issuses of your OWN. Please note that her comment about perhaps getting back together IF you would divorce her was a lie to make it easy for her to get what she wanted and that was divorced from you. It is like saying to a girl friend that you are breaking up with "it is not you, it is me." What nonsense!

There are many many tools on this site to build and rebuild a relationship, but the ONE thing they all require is that people be honest with themselves and really look inward at their own issues. Your issues are pretty simple right now.

You need a job. You need to be a great father. You need to heal from what she has done. And you need a life.

None of those issues include your W. Deal with what is in front of you and quit speculating on what she may or may not do, what she may or may not feel. It matters NOT.

I know this is hard. I also know you are not going to quite thinking about her because I or anyone else says so. But, your FOCUS needs to be elsewhere even if your thoughts do wander back to her. Do you see the difference?

Focus on you, and your healing, and the objectives you have right in front of you. Get those kids back into your life and love them.

Your plate is very full without the issues of your EXw.

God Bless,

JL

Well, as far as taking care of myself goes, I have created a profile on the same blog site and have started talking to other women. It was a morale booster on the first day to get many responses. There's even a few that I'd be willing to meet with.

I also went to the store with my dad and bought a suit for job interviews. It was good father-son time.

I'm doing my best to move on. It is hard to let go of someone that I've talked to so much over the years. I miss her presence in my life. She needs her space to emerge from the fog, which I believe will eventually happen, but I'm not waiting. I am going to move to MD, start swing dancing again, get a job, and try to see my kids as much as possible.

I know full well that all of this will eventually pass and I'll feel better with time.

I'm in MD now. My drive up here from Kansas was very difficult. I had no one to talk to on the road and nothing but time to think about things. As a result, all I did was think about my now ex and how much I wanted to restore my family and how much I missed her. I cried and cried the whole way and I made the mistake of calling her and leaving messages on her cell telling her how much I loved her.

I finally arrived in MD in time to put my daughter to bed. She purposely made herself unavailable and disappeared while I was there. She is really upset about the e-mail I sent her, the calls and the pleading. I know I need to stop and I've made a lot of progress recently as far as that goes, despite my desire to talk with her.

I've been here for over a week now and still haven't seen her. She makes sure she's not home when I come over to see the kids. I talk to the nanny about things. She and my ex's parents tell me to quit trying to contact her and give her space and she'll see the light eventually on her own. Basically the 180. They think she'll come around once she has a place of her own. She's desperate to prove to herself that she can stand on her own two feet without me.
She's also fed up with people trying to talk to her about us and our marriage. Makes her not want to talk to me even more.

Tonight I'm going swing dancing and I've been talking with other women online which I may meet. I've been up front with all of them that I don't want any relationships right now, but it will be nice to still go out again.

I miss her and miss talking to her but I'm basically on plan b right now. I'm hoping that with me not talking to her she'll come to her senses about the dissolving of our marriage. I'm not holding my breath, though, and am moving on.

Papaof3,

The chances are better that you will come to your senses than she will. Why? You don't have the past issues of abuse that she does. She needs counseling for this abuse, and until she gets it, there is little chance she will be a better choice for you than she is now.

Be a great Dad, get your job situation under control, get your life to a place that you like it and the kids will enjoy sharing it with you and keep your eyes and heart open.

Please read more of the articles here. Please learn as much as you can. When you next get a opportunity at a relationship you will be ready. You are right to not seek a relationship now. You will need about a year to recover from what she has done to you. Leave her alone and focus on the kids.

God Bless,

JL

I went swing dancing last night at one of Tom and Deborah's events for the first time in years. I had a blast. I was certainly rusty, but it was very motivating for me to get back into the lessons and learn some new things! I danced with many people and even had one offer to take my resume! I e-mailed it to her today and hope it leads to something. Said she couldn't promise me a job or anything, but that she'd forward it to her HR department.

I also got to chat with Tom and Deb a lot too. I danced with Deborah and she gave me some pointers, which was cool.

I saw one of the women that used to be in my class 6 years ago when I was just learning. It was nice to see her as well and I was amazed, but not surprised at how much she had improved as far as dancing goes. She got up during the "jam" and was dancing away. It was a real blast and I'm tempted to go again tonight. The band was great, the people were friendly, and the music for swing is always timeless and great.

Best of all, it was a real confidence booster. I had women asking me to dance, I asked a couple of others and generally just saw that there is potentially a very good life after divorce if I keep a positive attitude and an open mind. It was all friendly, but it was nice to be asked to dance and to do the same.

So now I'm going to go and sign up to learn Hollywood Style swing which I've always enjoyed watching. I want to wait until I have a job first, but I'm definitely motivated to learn!

I get to spend the day today with my kids and have a bouncy castle setup for them. I'm a little nervous about it since I'll be by myself for the day and I'm in a house that isn't totally childproof, but I will watch them carefully and hope they have a good time in the bouncy castle.

Things are looking up and I'm feeling pretty good. At least for today, anyways. I still miss my family being together in one place, but I'm also seeing that the alternative could be good as well if I'm open minded about it and can see my kids regularly.

I am starting to see that my ex is very much in the fog, but that the reality of being single with 3 kids is going to hit real soon. It is a real challenge to try and have a social life and take care of the little ones. Not only that, but that few men out there are thrilled at the idea of dating a woman with 3 kids and having an instant family. I hope it shakes her out of the fog, but I also see that I am unwilling to wait for her forever. I can really see myself having a happy life without her as long as I can keep seeing my kids and have a friendly relationship with her.

Today was a bitter-sweet day. I drove to my ex's place to pick up the kids and bring them to my place. This is something I'm going to be doing every other weekend at least. I felt good going, but a little apprehensive. I had a feeling my ex wouldn't be there and I would be dealing simply with the nanny and the former in-laws. I pulled in and saw that the new CRV my ex just bought was sitting in the driveway. I knew she was home and that I might see her for the first time since she left me.

I walked into the house and saw the boys sitting in their chairs eating lunch. They looked great and little Mikey started saying, "bye bye", meaning he wanted to go out. I could hear my former mother in law upstairs go and tell my ex I was here. I was worried they might be uspet I showed up a little early, but nothing was said. I helped our nanny get the boys changed and dressed and started to get things in the car which I would need for the day.

My daughter came down and looked very happy to see me. I was standing in front of the boys when my ex came down. Her hair was still wet from a shower and I could see she had been out the night before from a mark on her hand from a club. She looked good, but I was a little surprised at my reaction to seeing her again. I thought seeing her would hurt, but it didn't. I sensed that she wasn't sure how to greet me, but we simply said hello and kept things casual. She started giving me some advice about watching the kids for the day and they asked me what I was going to do with them. I didn't really know at the moment, but I had thought about taking them to the FSK mall to play in the indoor playground. I worried about having my hands full with the boys running around and our daughter roaming freely in the play area. As one person, I worried that any of them could get out of my sight for just a sec and be taken. A little irrational, but I have never taken the kids out to a public place by myself before. I am used to taking them to playgrounds on the base which are closed to the public and frequented by known neighbors.

I told the ex I needed the carseats and I went outside with her to get them from her car. She showed me the inside of her new car and I could tell she was proud of it. We moved the carseats into my car and we sat outside for a moment to just chat with each other. It was a nice conversation, nothing too heavy. I shared some personal feelings with her and we talked a little about where things were between her and I right now. I miss her friendship and let her know. I also told her I was trying real hard to give her the space she wants right now and she re-enforced that things are where they need to be.

Our nanny and my mother in law (ex) came out with the boys to load them in the car. I got the whole brood in there and gave my ex a casual goodbye hug. I hugged the nanny and the ex mom in law and said goodbye to all. I drove off and saw my ex father in law pulling up. I said hello and he was happy to see me and congratulated me on my interviews and the fact that I was putting forth a strong effort to move on.

I drove off with the kids and was very happy to have them with me. My daughter's face was full of peanutbutter and jelly, and Anthony sang along to the radio as best as a 21 month old can. I went to FSK and had a really nice time with the kids. I then brought them to my house and let them play in the bouncy castle. I had my hands full, but was happy to have them with me. I took them back, helped bathe them and put them to bed. Once again I found myself saying goodbye to them and it was tough. I wondered if my ex will have a hard time saying goodbye to them when they stay with me on weekends in the future. I have to say goodbye to them regularly and don't have them as a daily presence in my life. Honestly, that has been the hardest thing about this divorce. I will eventually be able to move on from my ex, but letting go of my kids will never happen and saying goodbye to them every week and every few days is extremely painful. I wonder if my ex thinks about that at all or can understand that kind of pain. I had to say goodbye to them for the wars I was deployed for, but I always knew I was going to come back and I drew comfort in calling my wife at home and hearing the kids playing in the background, knowing they were in good hands. My day was not complete unless I heard my wife's voice and I told her I loved her before heading to bed each day. I always enjoyed talking to my daughter and hearing the boys in the background. Distance made my heart grow fonder. Distance, war, and the possibility of death. They made me want to be a more attentive father and husband and I was extremely excited the day I came home. I really couldn't wait to see my wife again and was really happy to see her and my daughter the day I got off the plane. It was very unfortunate that my ex went in a different direction when I was gone.

I thought that my family would be intact when I came back, and I had little clue as to the magnitude of what awaited me. I knew there were some issues that my ex wanted to resolve, I just never pictured divorce as a possibility. The fact that I had grown to love her so much while I was gone made letting go of her that much more painful and the disintegration of my family that much more tragic.

My family is dissolved, but my kids are still my kids. I had a very good time playing with them today and I hope that I can get that job soon and my own home where they can freely play in a childproof place.

I drove back to my house surprisingly calm. I knew my ex was out for the evening when I left, but found myself very calm about it. A month ago I would have been agonizing over who she was with and what they might be doing. Today I felt a certain calm that I found curious. I don't know if I'm just in a state where I'm finally accepting the reality of things or if my feelings for her are slowly starting to die. I actually thought little of where she was or what she might be doing. Picturing her with someone else is not pleasant, but I think I've simply accepted the fact that it is likely going to happen since she is open to dating again. I was just surprised to not feel the despair of jealousy I felt just over a month ago. Back then I was desperate and let it show. I agonized over losing her to someone else. Now I understand that it is possible she will may meet someone else eventually. Perhaps it is simply a way of preparing myself for the eventual revelation that she may get serious with someone else or I'm suppressing my feelings to protect myself. I am opening up to the possibility of dating as well and was encouraged when I went dancing last night that it won't be as difficult to do as I had thought. I still don't see myself in a relationship with anyone right now, but dating for fun and companionship seems like a real possibility.

I came home, had dinner and watched some TV. Flight 93, the made for TV movie, was on and that did have an affect on me. I watched as these people called their loved ones at home to tell them they loved them as they faced an uncertain situation and possible death. I felt that way flying over Iraq on several occasions. I couldn't call my wife and kids, but I pledged to say goodbye to them if I found myself plunging to the earth and about to die. There were two very intense evenings out there where I was scared I might have to do just that. Both nights involved thunderstorms. One night we had a few close calls with Navy fighters while trying to dodge storms. I told myself that if we were going to crash I would key the mike and say, "Tell my wife and kids I love them" so that the voice recorder would get it and the message could be passed on to my wife after I died. I felt the same way on another night when we had to fly through a storm because we couldn't get any further away from it for fear of flying into Iran. The incident was caught on video and it was the scariest moment of my life.

I reflected a lot after those two incidents about what was important in my life. I decided while I was gone that I would come home and be a better husband and father. How would surviving that tragedy have affected the people on flight 93? Would everyone involved value and treasure their loved ones even more. My situations were not as dire as the one they faced on that day, but I did face the strong possibility of death. I wish my ex would have not drifted away when I was gone and had given me the chance to show her the new man she would have had when I came home.

It is too bad that my ex went the other direction, because I feel that she would have gotten a husband that was very committed to her and the kids. I begged and pleaded over the next few months for her to give me a chance and I tried very hard to overcome some of the things that happened while I was gone. I really wanted to save our marriage, but she felt there was no alternative. It is sad, but I feel like we have missed out on having something really special, forged by the kind of experiences that cannot be duplicated, planned, or counseled.

Now I get to focus on being a great dad. I have noticed that as I recover from the shock of the divorce and the loss of my family, I am better able to focus more and more on my kids and their needs. I can see that only getting better with time and I hope I can get a job that will allow me to setup a really nice play area for them once I have my own house.

For my ex, I hope she finds the healing and success she is looking for. Success for her and I means success for the kids. Today was a significant step for us to establish civility and friendship with each other, which is important for our kids so that they never feel torn between the two parents. I am moving on. It is a forced plan b. I know she reads my posts on myspace. I hope she wakes up soon before she dies in my heart. It is starting to happen and I expressed as much to her parents, who will hopefully advise her to wake up soon or risk losing me forever. I have a feeling she will finally do so once I start dating and possibly get serious with someone else. I can see her wanting to come back then and trying to re-engage with me. How do I handle it then?

Papaof3,

Now you are talking. There will be ups and downs, but keep in mind that there is a future and it is what you make of it.

God Bless,

JL

I'm a little uneasy about X's nightlife, cyberlife, and molesting relatives.

Please do make sure that you download her website and save a copy -- in case you might need it to get custody in the future. She could pull it at any moment.

While JL is right, as always, don't be naive about the stuff she's involved with, and the potential threat to your kids.

Don't obsess about it or dwell on it -- but do make sure you have all your ducks in a row in case you have to go to court someday.