I can not fully implement plan B as my H still works with OW, and he refuses to move out as he says he wants me.
(I have briefly referred to this in another post)
Sooo..... The OW is leaving work in July (praise be)I can't carry on like this until then, so I am going to move out until July when total separation for H and OW can begin.
I will still do the breakfasts, school run, bedtimes that I have always done until H gets home from work and then I will leave until the following morning.
Any ideas? Has anyone tried this? This is really my only option for Plan B, financially and with H's refusal to leave as, "he loves me, has decided "i'ts me". yeah, yeah, yeah. That's EXACTLY why he wrote to OW a month ago asking her if I had left him a year ago (when their A was in full swing) would she have wanted him.
Please reply. I live in London so I won't get much until tomorrow.
Kate.

Please can you people say something!!!!!

I think you should post this on the general questions II forum, as you will get more traffic.

Separation is usually not encouraged here. I can see why you would like to do a Plan B though. You may lose all of your love for him, as this has been dragging on so long.

Thanks I'll move it onto General Q's II.
I may lose all love for him. Maybe that will be the right thing for both of us.
At least the limbo will end.

I'm not sure why you can't carry on like this. What does "this" mean? He says he loves you and wants to be with you. He has chosen you over her. So why must you be apart until she leaves the job?

Do you love him? Do you want to save your marriage? I guess I am struggling with the whys of all of this.

Personally, I wouldn't move out. When my FWH admitted his affair, it never occurred to me to have him move out. I wanted to save our marriage, and I ate a lot of crow to do it. We were both responsible for what happened (and no, I didn't deserve the betrayal that he dished out). If I had tossed him out, he would have gone to her and been miserable and ended up back with me. But we would have missed out on a lot in the mean time.

So.... maybe you can explain a bit more, and we could help.

i guess I'm wimpimg out and because he can't achieve "total seperation" from the OW I don't want to sepnd another year watching him become withdrawn, depressed, angry, resentful all over agian. Mainly because when he does, I do. I try really hard, but his behaviour really affects me now. More than ever before. Any negative emotion that he displays makes me hugely uncinfident and puts me into panic mode. My outward display of this is hositility.
At least this time he is talking to me about WHY he feels upset. Before he was trying to "protect" me by not telling me that feelings for the OW had cropped up throughout the year and had been gretaly intensified by the news of her leaving.
Thanks for replying. I'm due to move out Thursday. Also I think we both need some peace and thinking time.
Kate.

Hi Kate

I can understand exactly how you feel..... I'm also caught in a major dilemma, to extend Plan A or Plan B.

Plan A is misery, Plan B appears to release from misery. But I fear that once we are in Plan B, we may well find we are equally miserable.

I dread the reality that Plan B may be unavoidable, especially if we expect emotional separation, not just physical sep from OW. Physical sep doesnt guarantee emotional sep, as in your case.

I see a ray of hope in your case, with OW leaving soon. Then the dilemma is can WH achieve emotional sep? Out of sight, out of mind.......... maybe there's hope....... I dont mean to talk you out of Plan B.......or confuse you.

I'm in no position to even comment.....as I'm caught in my own dilemma too......

Really a tough decision, misery seems to follow us whichever way.......but OW leaving is just too strong a beacon of hope for me........ too tempting for me to hang in a few more months & see how....... After a year of agony, what's a few more months?

endofworldnomore

Dear Endof,
I agree, what is a few more months.
But I want those months to be as "painless" (insert ironic laugh here) as possible.
I am in the somewhat enviable position (if I choose to believe my WH) that he wants me back and really wants to commit to putting us back together.
Me implementing Plan B is making him miss me. Who knows how long for, but at least it is shifting his focus from OW back to me.
I like your point about emotional seperation from the OW.
I think that this is a very tricky issue. I know that my WH was so ashamed of still sometimes having thoughts of her that he tried desperately to squash them down and make them go away. I think that this is the key. WS must at some point (when the fog lifts) feel guilt and shame for how they have treated their S but at the same time still feel attracted to the OP. Especially if total NC can not be established.
If the WS can be honest with themselves and their S about how difficult they find it experiencing these feelings, then maybe they can work together on ways not to feel shame, and on ways to "prepare" themselves for unwanted emotions when they arise.
Yes I know this means that YET AGAIN the BS has to swallow huge chunks of "Oh you're hurting honey, let me help" pie.
But I can't see any other way that promotes understanding, honesty and respect. Any ideas?
What is going on with your H?
Is he at home?
Is he still seeing the OW?
Are you O.K? keeping a journal? Surviving? Biting your tongue? Swallowing your pride? and smiling, smiling, smiling?
Kate xxx

Kate dear

Do take care & tread with care. I often wonder the true consequences of showing H the door. An optimistic possibility is absence makes the heart grow fonder..... a pessimistic one is out of sight out of mind.

To achieve the 1st, you must be certain H is filled with good thots of you & must have warm tender memories of recent shared experiences with you.

Otherwise, the downside risk is pushing H straight into the arms of OW. H may even rationalise it's alright to spend some time with OW especially with OW exiting soon. Some happy moments together for keepsake.... just some doubts...... I am an expert with concorting doubts, especially now.... Last thing we want is for H to forget he's got a W & kids. When the fog is not completely lifted, but still lingers, WH is far from rational

Would you be better off having an extended Plan A? Accumulating more sweet moments together to see you both through anymore withdrawal symptoms WH may still get when OW finally leaves sooooooon

Me, still very much in limbo..... WH does not want a divorce from day 1 but cant seem to stop seeing OW. Still struggling for stamina to continue Plan A with WH back late occasionally without telling me whereabouts. I have so far been able to resist interrogating. So no emotional outbursts & all encounters cordial, most are warm & tender. Need to build up WH's memory bank of sweet memories before moving on to Plan B & standing a chance WH will crawl back missing W & kids.

I have some ideas how I am likely to move towards negotiation for total sep with OW & Plan B if all else fails. Have posted out my ideas of my plans for advice. Awaiting these kind folks' response..... Bouncing my ideas with the wiser & more insightful gives me a greater sense of control over the situation & the unknown.

Take care & think carefully, God bless.

endofworldnomore

Kate hunny

here's my current thread about consequences

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

learn how to do this now with your WH

or learn how to do it later with teenagers

but you will be provided with God-sent opportunities to learn this lesson OVER & OVER until you do what you must to lovingly refuse to protect those you love from consequences that THEY NEED in order to proceed with their life !!!

You are standing between your WH and his consequences ... you are (trying to) block the God-smack ... we all get a good God-smack every-so-often ... and

protecting your WH from his consequences is not faith-based on your part ... but fear-based

((( hugs )))

I DO understand ...

Pep

O.K
I DO (I promise) understand the need for exposure.
There has been a fair amount.
My WH told his mother last year. (She was horrified)
After 9 months of "protecting" my WH I told my parents. They were horrified also. My dad has been in email contact (cordial and polite) with my WH over the A.
I have spoken to (again very cordial and polite) and had letter contact with the OW and her boyriend. It was him who 'phoned me to tell me that my WH had written to her.
Our friends and our families know. WH has told one close friend at school.
Is this enough exposure?
Do I really have to tell the school officially and lose them both their jobs if she is leaving anyway?
Kate xxx -Pep and EOWNM, thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. Keep them coming.
I'm off to read Pep's thread on consequences.

My sister found herself in this very sick situation.

She was the secretary to a principal and began an A with him. They were both married. His W exposed.

He kept his job, she was simply transferred to another position. They both ended up quitting out of embarassment.

God Bless you, and please think of yourself and your family first.

Eibrab