I can not fully implement plan B as my H still works with OW, and he refuses to move out as he says he wants me.
(I have briefly referred to this in another post)
Sooo..... The OW is leaving work in July (praise be)I can't carry on like this until then, so I am going to move out until July when total separation for H and OW can begin.
I will still do the breakfasts, school run, bedtimes that I have always done until H gets home from work and then I will leave until the following morning.
Any ideas? Has anyone tried this? This is really my only option for Plan B, financially and with H's refusal to leave as, "he loves me, has decided "i'ts me". yeah, yeah, yeah. That's EXACTLY why he wrote to OW a month ago asking her if I had left him a year ago (when their A was in full swing) would she have wanted him.
Please reply. I live in London so I won't get much until tomorrow.
Kate.

Kate - Bad idea, IMHO.

You move out and you are "abandoning" the family. That would be the potential legal pitfall in the US. I can't speak to your sitch in UK.

IMHO, the only time a BS should move out in order to implement Plan B is when he/she can secure a legally binding separation agreement that (along with taking care of financial and property access issues) specifically cites the infidelity as the cause for the separation and the BS is removing themselves from the inhuman emotional pain being inflicted by the WS. AND the BS can take the children with him/her. Obviously, such an "agreement" would be difficult to secure unless the WS was very, very fogged up. Sometimes, the fog does present opportunities. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JMHO

Thanks for your opinion. the legal stuff was not something i had considered.
What can I do?
He won't leave. I can't cope with him being around anymore after he re-established letter contact with the OW.
She is not leaving his work until July.
I have had a year of ****** while he has gone to work EVERY DAY and seen her.
I need him to leave.
I need some peace.

Well, how would he react if you left and took the kids with you? Before doing do, get legal advice for the proper steps to take to secure financial support for you and the kids and to establish that you DO NOT want a divorce - you just need to escape the drama.

WAT

Is he a teacher too - is that why they are still working together until July? If he is in a situation whereby he is bound by contract to his job until then, and can't avoid her, but he does all he can to account for his time outside of work, is it not feasible that the two of you can just grit your teeth for a couple more months?

Have you exposed the A to their employers? TT

Wow, Bay...I was in your shoes EXACTLY.

What a trip. My WH worked with OW...and it was three months before he got a transfer away from her...meanwhile, you are a step ahead because your WH says he wants you...mine said he would decide in those three months if he wanted her, to be alone, or to "try" to work on the marriage.

We are exceedingly happy at the turnout...and yes, I wanted to bolt, have him bolt or anything at all to lessen the pain of facing those three months...

Wow.

I remember.

Timeline is different..your WH has restarted the A, I guess...to get through three months, I could share what I did...and it went toward recovery...no contact was the key to everything, I believe; couldn't recovery until then...

The variation here was I had great motive to what I thought of as withstanding those three months...and you don't. You have been betrayed without cause by your own hand...I had been the cheater before and was crushed by his betrayal...but I did the crushing first. That helped me get through. I owned what I did...and kept owning the more I discovered...gave me strength and perspective.

You asked me about respect on Exvlad's thread. I posted more on it to him, with an eye to you, also. It saved my marriage...and came from MB...my HUGE lovebusters were DJs...so injecting respect was my antidote. I don't believe in eliminating LBs...but eradicating the beliefs behind them and replacing them their counterparts.

You can do this, if you choose. You can grow into a marvelous place with self-focus, respect and self-care. This pain isn't just being done to you by your WH...it is in your life as a challenge for you...I promise...to bring you new life...

Your choice.

No judgment.

LA

Thank you everyone.
WH came back from a school trip on Sat (yes he is a teacher too, tummytuck)
He is still convinced that it is me he wants, and we have both recognised that he thought it was "enough" last year to come home. But he shut down. When he was having thoughts of the OW (seeing her everyday) he shut them out, didn't tell me, and became really grumnpy and miserable. He has explained all of this to me now.
Then he found out that she was leaving (hurrah) and was torn between having feelings stirred up and then wanting to come home announcing "the best news ever".
He didn't tell me anything and tortured himself trying to work out why her leaving had stirred up so much for him. He reduced it to one question, "If Kate (me) had left me last year, would you have wanted to be with me?"
And then he wrote it to her. She replied "Yes".
Then her boyfriend 'phoned me and told me all.
I gave up. WH lost all interest in OW. And we are back to square one.
He has admitted he does have issues with "admiration" and wanting to be liked. He also becomes immune to OW's "charms" when things are intense between us.
It is also holidays for him, so right now he has NC with her.
Because of all this confusion for him, I really think that my plan B twist is the only way forward.
I won't take the kids, it will really disrupt them, but I will still be their main carer, do nothing different in their eyes except not be at home overnight. Weekends he will go to his mother, and I will be at home.
WH isn't happy with the arrangement, but he appreciates that someone has to go. He was worried about it being him because he is despearte to reaasure me, and he was worried that I would be worried about "where he was" if he was not living at home.
So there are some advantages.
Thank you everyone, any comments welcome,
Kate xxx

P.S Dear loivinganyway,
I've read Survive an affair (Dr Harley)
Can you reccomend anything about this "respect" that I could read?
Kate xxx

Reading Love Busters by Harley, and around the same time, reading John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame that Binds Us"; and going to Al-Anon. Those three influences were what I got the respect perspective from.

And CoDependent No More, and let's see...oh, Facing Love Addiction. I read a lot in my torment. I found a lot of acceptance and comfort in those writers and the 12 steps. My WH wasn't an alcoholic, either...just a man who wouldn't tell me his thoughts, feelings or beliefs...withheld his struggles and in his mind, blamed me for most of them.

I got safe enough for me, which was safe enough for him, and he began to choose to be O&H when I revoked my permission to judge.

Reading Just Learning's posts may help, also. He's the one who pointed out my DJs and has helped so many on these boards over the years.

God knows your struggle,

LA

Thank you so much.
I'm moving out on Thursday (he goes back to work then)
It's tough as we are getting on so well, and I think that he has made some major breakthroughs in terms of understanding how we interact together and the effects of his A.
I've had some blinding moments of realisation too (mainly thanks to you LA)
But I must be firm.
If this is to work in the long run, if I will ever be able to "allow" myself to let him back in, we have to be free of OW and committed to working very, very, hard together to get things right. Any comments?
We hadn't really resolved anything last year.
We were crossing our fingers hoping for the best and making exactly the same mistakes, hence his slip back into letter writing.
I know it must be incredibly difficult for him to work with the OW.
One thing that he finds very tough is that he can go for weeks thinking nothing, feeling "immune" to her charms and then when thoughts of her crop up, he hates himself and then closes down, making me feel he hates me, so then I shut down. Oh how the spirals feed each other!
This insight came from him!!! I'm amazed.
I'm off to start packing. Roll on July.
Kate xxx

Bay,

Is there any kind of code of conduct for teachers? My wife had an affair with another teacher and I was told that the school couldn't do anything about it. I shouldn't have listened to that person and I should have contacted the Principle and Superintendent about separating them.

Please don't make the same mistake I made. I gave my wife until the end of the school year with the promise she'd move to another school. I didn't expose properly and now she is still working with the OM and I've even caught them in the parking lot chatting. If you haven't exposed to the principle, please do so.

You can't rely on a WS to do the right thing and I would hate for the new school year to come around and you are stuck facing another year with them working together.

Thank you.
They both work in a catholic school, so the penalties for A's would be severe.
It is for this reason I have chosen not to expose them.
She is leaving in July, although you have made me think of something, if it falls through and she doesn't leave, what then?
This whole separation is to give us space UNTIL she goes. If she doesn't follow through he will have to leave, but won't be able to until October. (contracts)
Aaaaaah.
Will go away and think and talk to WH about this nightmare scenario.
I'm so sorry to hear that your WW is still talking to the OM.
Has she read any of this stuff?
Has she committed to you?
Does she undersatnd the seriousness of what she is doing?
Kate.

No Bay, my wife briefly read some MB material but she didn't buy into any of it, except that I wasn't meeting her needs. She's lied on every front. You can not and should not trust a WS.

Please Bay, do not wait to expose to the school. I've been through this, if you want to save your marriage, expose now, don't ask permission from your husband, and expect that he will be very angry. Either he puts in his resignation ASAP, or you expose. He will try and negotiate, my wife did, but you can't trust that he will do the right thing, more importantly you can't trust the OW to do the right thing.

Don't do it out of spite or revenge, let the school know that you are willing to forgive, but that in order for your marriage to recover, they need to be moved to different schools (if possible).

I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds like your husband may be willing to do the right thing. I pray he does.

Dear Grove,
Thanks for your input.
I will think and watch.
I'm moving out as that is what I want - to focus on me and the kids.
Exposure scares me, he and she would lose their jobs and we would be unable to pay our mortgage. The way the schooling system works here, you can't just get a transfer. You have to apply for a new job AND work half a term's notice. Call me naive but I really think that WH will avoid contact with OW. If she starts persuing then we shall have to see what to do.
I complete agree with you about the lies, I've experienced them and I've been through the mistrust, paranoia, hatred and fear. But I've come to undersatnd that fear is the key. My WH can't so anything else to "hurt" me until I let him. So I'm moving out to avoid seeing him while he still has the "option" if you like, of contact with the OW. In the same vein, we can't begin to reconcile until I agree to "open up" and trust again.
I'm putting that off until July. I'm not putting myself at risk of hurt from him, until I have some control over the situation. It seems very unfair that none of us can do this NC.
WH claims (and I believe him) that he would love OW to go now. Yes, when he heard she was leaving it stirred up feelings he had been squashing intermitently and prompted him to write to her, but he has seen the chain of events that led to this and is determined to work with me to come together and eliminate her from our lives. He wants to start now. It's me who is stalling until the OW has gone and I have got MY head straight (straighter!)
I hope this makes sense.
What is the rest of your story?
Do you have a link?
Is your W still at home?
Kate xxx

Hi Bay,

I wish I would have had the strength and willpower to have moved out. I listened to my wife (she begged me not to leave her) when I first found out (and others who said don’t make any rash decisions and give it time). After a month went by, I noticed a change in my wife’s behavior (maybe less). She never admitted to anything about the affair and started acting very distant. I had to find out everything on my own and even then she denied, denied, denied. As time went on, I started doing some snooping and discovered that the OM was calling my wife’s best friend from High School. When I confronted my wife, she said she didn’t know anything about it, later she said that her friend was just being a busybody and called him on her own. Of course I didn’t believe that, but I wanted so badly to believe that my wife wouldn’t continue her affair (we were in MC at the time and the counselor supported her that some people just like drama and getting in the middle of other people’s business). The school year was coming to an end and she had promised to find another job in another building within the school district. The last day of school she went out with the other teachers, and sure enough I had her followed only to find that she was sitting at a table alone with him. I went to the bar, confronted her and told her that I was taking our daughter and leaving. She acted like she didn’t care, but then called later to say that she was getting closure and that it was officially over. (I thought it was officially over 4 months before). Ok, she still was promising to find another job, but from this point on and in hindsight, the marriage was probably over. My trust in her and respect had been completely destroyed. Yet, I still had hope and I just couldn’t and still can’t imagine not being a part of my daughter’s life everyday.

Long story short, she didn’t find another job, and she never committed to work on the marriage (she just committed to not leave). I went to the school one day to find the two of them in the parking lot talking. I confronted the OM and yelled a little and then I left. I went to the attorney the following Monday, signed the papers and gave them to my wife to review and sign. That was almost 3 months ago. My wife hasn’t signed the papers, we are still living together and she no longer wears her wedding ring.

I did speak to SH on several occasions, but without my wife buying into the MB philosophy it really didn’t do me much good. While everyone on the boards was recommending plan b, Steve recommended that I stay in the home. Unfortunately things only got worse and when I was ready to go to plan b, we were too far gone. Can my marriage be saved, I don’t know. I guess every marriage can be saved, the question now is should it be saved????

I want to move out, but I also worry about my daughter. My attorney has advised me to not move out, but to try and get her to move out. She refuses to leave the home. I’ve told her that I would be willing to sign a paper saying her leaving was a mutually agreed upon decision, but she won’t do it.

Please Bay, I honestly believe you will live to regret not exposing now while you have the moral grounds to do it. The longer you wait, the less likely you will be able to do it. You didn’t choose to cheat with a co-worker, your spouse did. Without consequences to their actions, they will most likely continue to see each other. I know every situation is different, but generally speaking WS tend to be amazingly similar in their behavior and actions.

GTO

protection from consequences ... keeps the affair alive

Bay, my situation is living proof that what pepperband said above is true. Please don't make the same mistake I made.

Dear GTO,
God my heart bleeds for you. It's the deception that does it. It's the deception that kills and makes your blood boil, and makes you feel so stupid, stupid, stupid.
Do you and your wife still talk?
Does she see the OM openly now?
Why doesn't she buy the MB guidelines?
She sounds like she is deep in the fog. Maybe you need to let her go and see if she will find her way back.
At least with her gone, you can pull down the facade you have had to build around yourself to achieve Plan A. You can have some time out.
I really hate this ******.
I really feel for you.
kate xxx

Bay,

We still talk and even share in some good times together. But the elephant is always in the room.

I don't know if she openly sees the OM now, she claims she doesn't, but I don't really believe her. I don't think they are making plans together, but I can't be sure. What I know is that they are in the same building together and I'm sure run into each other daily. It is a horrible situation that causes me stress and anxiety everyday she's there.

I know I need to go, but my attorney says stay, and I've had cold feet. I'd do a lot of things differently if I knew what I knew now.

Please Bay, expose to their work. Don't do it out of spite, do it out of love and hope.

LA - This is what MY WH has said to me, and to others too. He doesn't know if he wants ROOT, me or even no-one. He is just taking things day by day. Meanwhile - he is living with Root, SHE is getting transfered 2 hours away in the next few weeks (i haven't contacted his work collegue to find out when since i went plan b last Tuesday) and, she is supposed to be going back to the UK to live in September.

So - I dont know if Im in this [email]cr@p[/email] until she moves up north, or until September.

Hence the reason I removed myself from the [email]cr@p[/email] and went plan b - couldn't stand the chaos any more.

Missing him dreadfully - obviously. But he is missing me too! And hopefully I will have a tag line like yours in the future!!

CHeers
Zuj

PS - BayWindow - How are you doing? I am so glad I have found your thread, after you posted the other day to mine I have been wondering about you. How is your 'twisted plan b' working? I found this thread on page 10.