Here's my sitch. Full disclosure on 4/9 to BH. Printed out Emotional Needs and Past History Questionnaires. I have been working slowly on my questionnaires, but BS has not worked on either. What is that all about?

Also, BH is starting to look at porn....is this normal behavior for a BH? I would think that he would want to work on our M, which is what he is saying he wants to do. It seems that what is coming out of his mouth is much different than his actions.

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Thanks, in advance.

No.

IMHO, looking at porn is not normal behavior for any normal person.

WAT

Well, we've both looked/watched it in the past, but thought we came to an agreement that neither would any longer. I was actually worse than he was.

What do you think about not working on the questionnaires? Do you think that is a sign that H is not really in to our M? That is what it feels like to me.

Does he NOT care what I did???

I just don't get it.

s&c, give him time. He is still on the floor gushing blood from his newly inflicted wound. Wait until the bleeding stops and then he can tend to other things. All of his energy has to be devoted to himself right now; he has nothing left over to give yet.

Help, please. I need to know what my next steps should be???

It's hard for me to say why he might not be willing to do the questionaires. I was a BH and I did them, but I was coping with an ongoing affair.

disclaimer: I have no direct experience with marriage recovery

How long has it been sine the disclosure and ending of the affair? Perhaps he's still in shock or is trying to decide if he wants to recover.

I will say - based on the very little info so far in this thread - that his "position" sounds typical of many other BHs I've read about here from their FWSs who are trying hard to recover.

Based on my observations for several years on this forum, the reactions of BSs upon discovering an affair of their spouse are fairly predictable depending on whether the WS continues the affair unabated OR immediately ends it and turns toward the marriage. BSs whose WS continues the affair work like he11 to recover the marriage and BSs whose WS come clean sulk and mope and pout. It's almost like a supply and demand thing.

WAT

Be as loving and reassuring as possible.

ML - Thank you. So I should just work on myself and fill his bank with units?

YEP! That will help him heal so that he CAN work on the marriage when the bleeding stops. Hang in there, s&c. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WAT - Disclosure was on 4/9 and the A ended before that. There has been no contact witht he OM. As soon as I disclosed, I have reconnected to my M and trying to put in 150%.

I think ML is correct - be as patient and loving as possible.

It's not like were fighting, he's just not showing interest in working on the M, but yet he says "we'll get through this".

S & C, you might do a shout out to smartcookie, she is a FWW and her H has a porn problem. He went back to the porn after dday.

Sadandconfused,

I get the feeling that your H is using your past A as a justification/rationalization to look at porn now... Or maybe he still has a lot of anger and resentment towards you (about your past infidelity) and is trying to “get back at you” now by doing something that he knows you disapprove off. He might feel “entitled” to do that now… But as you know, two wrongs doesn’t make a right.

Also, I think unresolved/repressed anger, hurt an resentment about your past A might possibly be part of the reason why your H doesn’t want to work on the questionnaires and put much effort into the M right now… Possibly he’s also using the porn as an “escape meganism” to try and get away from his pain... The wound is still very new.

Just some thoughts that came to mind…

NS: If you’ve read my past posts you will know that I’m totally against porn and feel very strong about it. IMO viewing porn is just another form of betrayal/infidelity.

I agree you should be as loving and reassuring as possible and give him time to stop bleeding, but make it clear to you H that him looking at porn is not acceptable to you, is hurting your feelings very much and will not be tolerated.

Suzet

Suzet - Thanks for posting to me.

I don't think he has a problem but I do think it's an escape for him right now.

He must have recently been on some "sites" because we received in the past couple of weeks "free xxx advertisements" in the mail. I think the only way people get those is if they access certain websites.

And may I add, he lied about it. He said, "oh that's been in there for weeks." No it hasn't because I saw it come in the mail, plus it's in his shirt drawer which I am always in putting his clean clothes away.

I even said to him last night, "I can be totally honest about my A, and you can't be about that little ad?"

Strange.

Yes, I agree with Mel, too.

4/9 is an hour ago in infidelity time.

I'll predict that he'll come around.

You sound sincere and many BHs would cut off an arm to read a similar cry for help from their spouses. This is not a slight at your H. It's in recognition of the typical pattern. I sincerely wish you and your H well.

If you haven't already sent a NC letter, please do so and ask your H to approve it. Aside from the practical value, the symbolism of the act may be meaningful to him.

When I was a fighting BH, Steve Harley asked me to fill out the questionaires twice - once as me and once as my wife (because she wouldn't). Sure ya gotta guess - but try to put yourself in your H's shoes and maybe you'll identify some things accurately.

WAT

The NC letter has been sent already, with H's approval.

We've done it all - now I want to work on our M.

I have to be patient - not one of my strong points!!!

It will be soon!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT

Thanks WAT!!!

I'll keep everyone posted.

Sadandconfused, please note I've edited my previous post and add some things for you to read - please take a look at that post again.

Your H lying about his porn viewing makes matters worse and is not good.

This is not right... Your H need to be honest and open with you too for recovery of this M.

As I've said, at this stage your H has an infidelity problem (the porn - which can be just as serious and damaging as A's) and therefore you can't allow him to continue with secretive behaviour... At least he must become willing to be honest and open with you about his temptations to look at porn and not hide it from you.

Thanks Suzet! I'll check it out in a bit.

S&C,

Permit me to speculate just a bit. I would guess that your H is suffering with depression or depression like response to this new information. When someone is depressed the idea of filling out a form is almost too much. Looking at porn may well be an attempt to get "some" feelings back, especially if it was something you both did before.

You will need patience. I would strongly suggest that you two go for walks, or some other form of exercise together. You don't have to talk about the marriage issues, just walk, talk, or just sweat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but be there with him.

I would strongly encourage you two to seek counseling, but it has been mentioned on this site that when someone finds out about an affair, the suffer Post Traumatic Shock Syndrom, look up the symptoms for that and see what you find.

Patience, and time, along with care and honesty will help your H.

Those are my thoughts based on what you have said.

God Bless,

JL