BF and I were together for 14 years (living together for 5+ years). In July, I got the "I'm not in love with you anymore speech". In August, he moved in with his girlfriend (OW). By the end of Oct, all financial issues were settled between the two of us... he owned our condo and he sold it to me. The closing was 8 months ago today. Since then, with the exception of a few emails here and there, I haven't seen or spoken to him. He promised we'd eventually sit down together and he'd explain himself... 8 months later the only real conversation we've had took place back in July before I even knew there was an OW.

I guess, part of my problem is that I think I secretly hope he'll break through the fog and realize he made a huge mistake... and come home. But as time goes by, I guess that's becoming more and more unlikely. I've tried going out on dates a couple times with other guys, but I'm honestly just not interesting in anyone but him.

Any advice? I just feel so sad today.

-- Snoopy

Snoopy,

Since you were not married and I assume do not have children with your BF the advice I will give you would be different than if you were married and had a family.

Now don`t take that the wrong way, I lived with my H before we married so I am not judging your situation but when you are not married it`s awfully easy to pick up stakes and move on. After 8 months this seems to be what your BF has done.

There is no such thing as a "soulmate" you know. That`s a load of crappola. There are literally MILLIONS of men on this earth who you could love and who could love you in return. But you will need to shop around. You are older and wiser and know what you are looking for now. You`ve found MB and so the next time around you will have an actual plan to follow to ensure that your next relationship is a success. You`re further ahead now than when you met your BF.

I know you would like some closure but you need to look at it like this. Your BF`s silence is your explaination. He`s done. There is nothing else he can add to that.

I think it might be a good idea for you to spoil yourself. Change your hair, makeup, buy new clothes, get a massage. Book yourself a fab trip with some friends. And you can change your social circle too. Change jobs or get another parttime job, do some volunteer work, join some clubs. Use your imgaination. You can do whatever stuff your BF wasn`t into now that he`s gone. You`re free to do whatever you want now. That`s a good thing.

The more you do the better you are going to feel. The better you feel then the better quality of men you are going to attract. If you like yourself and are happy you will attract men who like themselves and are happy. That`s the way it works and that`s who you want to attract.

I wish somebody had told me this after my first D <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Snoopy,

14 Years is a long time and it has only been 8-months. I think that you will need more time to get over your loss. And it is a loss. I agree with Daisy that his silence will probably be the only closure you may get. Think of it this way, if he did come back to you, would you really trust him to stay with you and be faithful to you. What about committments?

I don't know you, but assume that you deserve more in a mate. When I was young I had a very serious relationship that lasted more than 10 years. I wanted desparately to marry the man, he wasn't ready. Eventually, I moved on and then he got ready, but it was too late. It took me years to get over him, but I did.

One morning, I woke up and realized that I hadn't even thought about him all week. I still hope that someday, I will wake up one morning and realize that I haven't thought about FWH's A for a week. Hasn't happened yet!

Who

Snoopy,

You have not stated what your goals in life are with respect to relationships. Do you want to be married? Do you want a family? It is important for you to reflect on these things.

Why? Well, if these two thing happen to be part of your goals, it is very likely that your exBF has done you a huge favor. If you have been together 14 years and living together for 5 and you have not been asked by him to get married, you were unlikely to ever get that question unless YOU forced it.

I use this particular goal set to make you see, that if after all of this time, he just up and left, there was something very wrong in your relationship. Not necessarily anything with you, or even him, but the relationship was flawed at some fundamental level, and given he would NOT address it, it was a serious flaw.

There is hope. You are at 8 months. It has been my experience that it takes a year to adjust to a major life change, and you are coming up on it. I would strongly recommend that you do as the previous poster has recommended and enrich your life. Make yourself happy, and don't keep waiting for the phone to ring.

I would also encourage you to read the articles on this site. There is a lot of information or relationships and how to make them more effective and successful. I suspect given your recent experience some of this information will really hit home. If nothing else you need to learn from your experiences and insure that your future is brighter than it already is.

I am sorry you are sad. You will have days like that for a long time, but the days will spread out. You have an opportunity for a new and more enriching life...go for it.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for all of your kind responses... Yesterday was just a Bad Day.

I'm trying very hard to make improvements in my life... I have a great job (I teach 1st grade)... great friends (who I didn't realize I had until this whole ordeal). I try to go out and do things as much as possible. I've joined a gym. For the first time in my life, I'm on my won and supporting myself 100%. That's a big deal for me... since I met exBF when I was 18, I always had either my parents or him to rely on... now I'm doing it all on my own... scary, but a huge accomplishment.

Lately though, I just feel very sad all the time... I think it may have to do with spring arriving.. my favorite time of year. ExBF and I had lots of warm weather recreational activities that we did together... motorcycles... boating. Now that it's warm... everytime I see a Harley ride by I get sad. I miss it so much. I've always been an on the back rider... and would love to get my motorcycle license, but I just don't have the $$$ right now to buy a bike... same goes for the boating thing. So, I think missing the things we did together is playing alot into my sadness. We also had a little condo up by the lake about 2 hrs from home that I had to sell to buy our home from him... so I miss that too (I usually spend my summers off up there). So, I guess I understand why I'm feeling so sad lately... but unfortunately understanding doesn't make it go away.

As far as marriage... yes, I want to be married and have children.. ExBF was just not ready for all that yet... at least not with me.

As far as dating again.. now that's scary... I had been with ExBF since I was 18 and in high school. Now I'm 33 and completely clueless to dating. Very scary... and I'm probably nowhere near being ready to do it.

Oh well, thanks for listening... I really appreciate it... and any advice (even if it's not what I want to hear) is also greatly appreciated.

Snoopy

I think that you're feeling sad at all your losses sounds normal. You are missing a huge part of your life. The only option you have is to try and make a new and maybe a little different one. It might even be better. I would feel the same way about dating. It is a scary proposition after all those years, but the alternative is being lonely. For now, could you arrange social events with girl friends. Start slow, but have something to do every weekend. When my father died, a few years ago, my mother made it a rule to have something to do every day with people. She also made a effort to find a new friend every month.
It probably will take a lot of effort at first to force yourself to start again, but I know it will get easier with
time.

Being alone is not something I have faced, but it is something that is waiting for any of us at any time. I do think about it and wonder if I would have the "guts" to get out and make a life for myself like my mother has. Good Luck!

Wow. Dating for 15 years and he wasn't ready for marriage? If he's not ready after that long, he never will be. I married my wife within a year of meeting her.