Just received this message in response to a request to my WW for NC. I understand that she's still in the A and trying to redefine it.

I've had a session with Steve Harley and I'm scheduling one for her May 1st.

Will anyone comment on her note?? Especially the resentment part? She says she has so much resentment for me that she doesn't care if my feelings are hurt. Because she's been hurting in the marriage for so long. It makes sense to me and I guess it will take time for her to overcome the resentment?

Just looking for thoughts. Thanks

Some of it sounds very similar to things my W has said. Much of it in fact. She did agree to NC (which she lied about) but said the same crap about their being friends etc. She never actually said she would still talk to him like your W did, however, since I told her I'd D her if she did.

I have a feeling that other posters are going to tell you this is "fog" talk. Maybe it is - seems that a lot of WS's say similar things .... I'll be interested to see what other posters tell you.

19 -

What does your wife tell you about the resentment? Isn't that a legitimate feeling for a WS to have if the BS has not been treating them well for years? And then all of the sudden the BS starts treating them great! I mean it's been only 4 weeks since I turned the corner. And she's been building resentment towards me for a LONG time.

So it seems reasonable that she's putting herself first and not me.

My W says pretty much exactly what you just said. I have been treating her like crap for 15 years and have turned the corner for 2.5 mos. when I find out about EA .... it's not illogical at all. In my case, I do think she has re-written and made it worse than it was, but it is true to a certain extent. Maybe it is reasonable to put themselves first, I don't know. I do know that nothing justifies an A -

My W uses this analogy: A man has a dog and he kicks it every day for years. Then, one day, another man tries to steal the dog and the man gets upset, protective, says it's a great dog etc. Sort of funny, don't you think?

I think it is just one of the things that has to be dealt with in this process and I also think that it takes time to get over it.

But, I don't really know for sure.

That's a good analogy. Do you think you caused the affair? Do you think you could have prevented it?

I do not think I caused it. I do think I could have prevented it.

I think my behavior made her vulnerable to it. Had I behaved differently, I really don't think it would have happened.

That being said, she did not have to do what she did. So, I don't think I caused it at all.

What about you?

Same. I ask because that's one of the questions Steve Harley asked me yesterday. I said I don't think I caused it but I did say that I thought I could have prevented it. He showed me how I could not have prevented it.

Really? So if you had met all of her EN's it still would have happened?

Here's what she is really saying to you here:
I am starting to see that this affair was wrong, and that it causes you pain when I talk to the OM, but I'm not yet ready to give him up completely. I'd instead still like to talk to him because he's my addiction and I need my fix.

I don't really care if this hurts you, because I feel justified since you hurt me in the past. Quit bothering me about talking to him, because I'm going to do it anyway and I'll stop when I'm good and ready to.

I'm going to tell you enough good things to keep you at my side, such as 'I love you', but you are not the only man in my life for the moment. I'm still in pain over the thought of leaving this OM.

The End.


My wife followed a similar path. She told me she was healing and grieving over the loss of the OM, blah blah blah. Turns out she had only told him that they had to not talk for a while, and he was waiting for her to give the signal to start up again.

She's giving you little crumbs to chew on. Are they enough for you to feel satisfied? It's still all about her and her desires isn't it?

The funny thing about all this resentment she has for you...

It magically disappears when/if you two finally do end the affair and enter recovery.

My wife was hurt by this and that and I was the most horrible man on earth. The thing is, she needs to think of you in that light.... it justifies her affair.

The moment I told my wife to take off out of my life and she realized she didn't want to lose me, she never felt that resentment towards me again. It left with the affair.

Sundog,

Excellent point!

Resentment + entitlement + BS = justification

BS tells WS I won't share = resentment gone + entitlement gone

heres another 2 cents for ya...

the letter...its a bunch of BS...( i dont mean betrayed spouse)...its all about a WS spouse justifying their behavior and since us "BS" are reeling as our whole world just rocked and came crumbling down, we accept unnecessary blame....that said, i would ask this question...

during your marriage, how many times did your WS voice unhappiness in M or you???

how many times did WS ask to go to MC to figure "things" or feelings out???

if this was never brought out b4 A, look at it as smoke and mirrors!!! she just trying to paint you in a negative light....i know....my XW did the same...

ill let you ponder this, my therapist put it like this for me, if SHE was serious, and these were her reasons for the A, as soon as youmade the changes that she pointed out and took steps to correct the behavior that she resents, anybody else would say,

"wow, i dont know if i trust him, or i wonder how long he can keep it up, but its nice, maybe ill stick around and see"...

think about it, someone at work or just a platonic relationship tick you off or wrongs you, as soon as they apologize or makes it right, thing ease up and the relationship usually resumes...right??

but a WS wont say that, they say things like "too little, too late"...."i love you, but im NOT in love"....etc...its all BS....its all about their selfish needs and so forth....

just dont beat yourself up too much over her letter, i know, easier said than done, MANY of us have all been there, but try to look at it for what it is, her justification for cheating....

the prisons are full of "inocent" people...its always "someone elses fault"....just ask em!!!

unless you are an ABUSER, physically or mentally and she has been living in a HE*LISH relationship......dont put much creadence to the letter!!

Thanks eveyone. Can't tell you how much it helps to hear from all of you. I'm so anxious to see replies to my post.

She did say in a follow-up note that the A is the only thing she feels like she has left that's hers. Becuase she has to be so many things to so many people. Which I think is crap because I am a father, husband and employee too. If she needs something of her own she can take up a hobby. Right?

She resisted to taking the session with S. Harley but said she'd do it if I wanted her to. She said "I'm sort of defensive and turned off to that guy (meaning MB) so I don't know if it would be helpful." She like our MC better who has been beating me up for 3 sessions and putting no pressure on her. Ofcourse she's not going to want to be confronted!

She says this because she picked up the book and immediately got mad at how Harleys describe BSs as the victim. "As if I am some horrible monster" she says. Also I think she read the part on the jacket about how damanging affairs are. I know she wants to get out of this without any mud on her. There was an EA 2 years ago and I let her off. Stuffed my hurt and resentment. And look where we are now!! Same place!!!

So I backed of the request and just asked her to read "Surviving the Affair..." Told her to think of herself as a victim of my neglect if that helped. She said I had a good point and would read.

Says she feels like I'm pushing her. It is a good thing that I'm pushing her? Does it mean that she's getting the pressure she needs to end the A?

I just don't know what to do now other than hold our for her appointment with Steve Harley on the 2nd of May. And wait for her to read the book.

High probability she will be in another job soon not so much because of the A but because she's not happy in it. Do I show patience and wait for the other job??

I'm just not sure what to do. I see a lot of advice about playing it cool and a lot of other advise about aggressively pursuing through exposure, etc. I could tell their HR department and both would lose their jobs. But I don't want to do that if she can come around with Harley & the boook and more pressure from me.

I just don't know what to do. Am I expecting too much too soon? Should I keep the pressure on?

She's also suspicious that when I start my new job in 2 weeks I won't have the time for the M that I've been giving it over the last two when I've been winding down my old job and have had a lot of time on my hands.

At this point she I really don't think she believes she's done anything wrong. Or that what she did was serious. Or that I'm owed ANYTHING.

I just don't know what to do at this point other than Plan A which I've been doing for about 3 weeks. Am I expecting too much too soon?

All - my W has been saying pretty much exactly the same thing - she didn't write a letter, she just tells me - some of these exact words even - she has actually made me feel like the "abuser" you describe as follows:



not physically, but mentally. How do I know if I have been a "mental abuser" that would rise to this level? I don't really think I have, but she has me believing I have been ...how would I know?

19 -- I have the same question. What is mental abuse?

MDC,
This is very typical talk from a current WS still in the A and not able to see what is really happening, deep in their A state of mind.

The fact that she is not going NC right away, I believe is a signal that you are in for the long haul. I know, I have been there. Any complaints that she has about you listen very carefully and start making changes--regarding meeting her needs. But remember, WS will rewrite history and make mountains our of molehills to justify their A. This was not your fault, you did NOT cause it and YOU can't prevent it, because your W's actions are her responsibility and hers alone. If there are problems in a M the spouses need the maturity to confront them and communicate them.

My FWH's response was similar regarding SH, but he did agree to talk with SH. Following Steve's counsel was the best and most effective thing that I did.

My advice (easy to say) is to not worry each little exchange right now. Your W is in deep right now and you will need to follow your game plan as Steve lays it out for you. Find other things to occupy you and make you happy while the craziness is going on. Best of luck, you can do it, so many of us have!

.

Thanks Anne. Like I said I'm between jobs so I have WAY to much time on my hands. And I'm naturally an impatient person so all of this - the A, the time, my personality - has not been a good combination.

SH didn't give me a plan on the call - it was my first call. I told him I could get my WW on the phone & he agreed that was the best next step.

So in the mean time, "Hang in there" is what you're saying. In light of her note, I'm going to scale back on the snooping. Don't see the point of it. I put a recorder in her car but was never able to catch a conversation with the OM - batteries would die by the time she got in the car to go home which is when she talks to him. Don't know if it matters whether she's really having a work conversation or not does it? Do I need to know that?? To me it's enough that she's talking to him and refuses to stop.

MDC,
Your WW even admits that it should be enough that you are unhappy about her talking to him to make her stop, but it isn't. She is addicted to how he makes her feel. She does not understand that someone else doesn't fill in the holes of your self--we must each do it for ourselves. She is looking for something outside of herself to be happy. If you don't fill her up, she is justified in finding something "of her own" that will do it. Right now it is OM. That is her viewpoint. Accept that even though YOU can see how wrong headed it is. Love her anyway and have faith that if you are patient and follow the plan (because all these A's follow a general script, there is a general plan to counter it) the good woman you M will mature and grow and change her ways. It doesn't always happen, the odds are on your side.

Steve will talk to her and he has a way of planting a bug that they can't seem to shake and things will begin to unfold. I know about impatience, I am the worst, but I have improved a lot. I spent a lot of hours agonizing over things I couldn't control (like my FWH's behaviors) instead of concentrating on how I could change my own outlook and actions for the better. Looking back I can see how far I have come.

.