Hello

I have been a lurker for a long time but have finally come to the point where I need to ask for help/advice/etc.

6 months ago I confessed to my H about an incident that occured while out of town with my girl friends 2 year earlier. This will probably be long and want to apologize for that in advance.

My friends and I were at a bar where this guy struck up a conversation with me. His friends, my friends and I were hanging out, having fun, nothing big, but as the night went on he started flirting with me, complimenting me and I ate it up. I haven't felt good about myself in well forever and I was just really enjoying it. I thought of it as harmless flirting, wasn't going to go anywhere, afterall I was upfront about my H.

So after the bar closes, we decide to go back to our vacation house and continue the party, one of my single girlfriends was interested in one of his friends. Anyway, we continued to drink, play cards, listen to music. Finally I had to go to bed so I said goodnight and went upstairs...alone. The next thing I remember is waking up to being kissed and having no clothes on. At first, I suppose due to too much alcohol and being asleep, I thought I was with my H. I even said his name. But then I realized it wasn't my H and I immediately told this guy this was not going to happen and he had to go.

The rest of the weekend was a mixture of me being alone, crying, beating myself up, wishing I could go home to being completely drunk so I wouldn't have to deal with it and, get this, get in a position where some other guy kisses me while we are all out. Man, I thought I felt bad about myself beforehand, now I couldn't even stand to be in my own sking, if that makes sense.

So I get home and don't know what to do. I try to deal with it myself but the guilt was killing me and I knew, if it were my H, I would want to know. So I try to tell him. But every time I try to start the conversation, he immediately says, "Just tell me if you are leaving me." So I get scared. I think, "If he is asking me this, then maybe he is thinking of leaving me. And if I tell him this now, he's gonna leave." I know I should have just done it, but I was so scared and humiliated and sad.

I start IC and begin working on me and my marriage, thinking I could save us without having to ask my H to help. Of course, I am not 100% honest, just giving a few facts, skirting around the big issues, hoping IC can point me in the right direction, and I could figure out the rest without having to actually vocalize what I allowed to happen. Doesn't work, because 6 months later while out of town with my girlfriends, a guy starts complimenting me, I fall head first into it and boom another kiss. What am I thinking! I don't even want the kiss. I just wanted the compliments. I am such an idiot.

So that's it. I can not stand it anymore. I come clean with IC about it all. And finally I start to understand.
I am in IC for 2 years, and although I really feel like I am getting answers and understanding my behavior and healing from past hurts, I still cry everyday. To and from work, I cry. I am so depressed, so angry with myself, so hateful towards myself. And surprise, surprise, my marriage is not getting a whole lot better.

I decided to tell H because I knew if the shoe were on the other foot, I would want to know. Telling him was so surreal. Of course he was furious and hurt, but he never really showed a lot of emotion over it. There were a few times where he would ask a question out of the blue or make a snide comment, but thank goodness for MB, I knew these were coming. There were a couple of emails at the beginning but since then, nothing from him.

My problem now, I don't know how to proceed. I want to talk to him about it, but I don't want to bring it up if he is having a good day and he just doesn't feel like we need to talk about it. The last couple of times I have tried to talk with him, his final comment is, "This was your get out of jail free card. You do it again and you lose the kids." Which breaks my heart and gets me very angry.

I just don't know what to do. I am still so depressed about it and still cry almost every day over it. I still hate myself so much for it. I just can not believe I put myself in that position. I just can not believe what I could have destroyed. I just don't know what to do.

Your story sounds somewhat similar to my H's first story in November. He blamed it on the alcohol also. He told me it was a ONS and that he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. Then I find out last week he met OW again for another weekend. I am telling you this to let you know you have to tell your H the WHOLE truth from the start. I am not sitting here saying you are lying to us about your story, I just hope you realize if there is more and your H finds out, you will be in the same position you are in now, about to lose everything. Not only that it is devastating to a BS. They don't deserve to wonder. They deserve to know!

Is your H going to counseling? You both need to go to counseling. They can lead and guide you in all the right directions. I want to commend you for realizing you have a problem early on. Not that kissing is ok, but it could have been a lot worse or gotten a lot worse as time went on.

Your M is definitely worth saving. Just from being on the board I have seen situations much worse than yours that have recovered. You must be totally honest with your H and answer ANY questions he has. You have to earn his trust back. Maybe you should consider taking trips w/your H from now on instead of your friends since you can't handle it. Also, what kind of friends are these that let this happen? My friends would never let me do anything like that. Maybe you should rethink your friendship with these people.

Also read up on ENs. You and your husband have to meet eachothers ENs so something like this doesn't happen again. That seems to be what was lacking in your M previously. How long have you been married for?

Give your H time. This is very painful. Make sure to tell him often how much he means to you and how sorry you are.

--CO

This one night stand or whatever you want to call it has not been resolved. You husband just wants it to go away or ignore it, but this is not a good plan.

This will come back to haunt you if you two dont get in counseling together and talk about it.

He will probably resist and just want to move on. Persist and explain to him you want to be a better wife. His comment about the kids is a red flag that he's still very hurt by this.

Get some help for you two or his resentment will keep growing.

Thank you for your replies.

I have told my H the complete truth. I have been working on this for over 2 years now and I know 100% truth is the only way to go. As for my friends, they didn't allow me to do anything. I did it. I think they were probably somewhat in disbelief because it was so out of character for me. They have been very supportive of me trying to work through this and telling my H.

As for EN's, I completely agree. The thing is I tell H my needs and 80% of the time they go ignored. I try to meet his needs, but really I am loving him the way I want him to love me. So I ask him, email him to tell me what his needs are, to list 5 things I could do to show him I love him. And that is ignored. What can I do?


"This one night stand or whatever you want to call it has not been resolved. You husband just wants it to go away or ignore it, but this is not a good plan.

This will come back to haunt you if you two dont get in counseling together and talk about it.

He will probably resist and just want to move on. Persist and explain to him you want to be a better wife. His comment about the kids is a red flag that he's still very hurt by this.

Get some help for you two or his resentment will keep growing."

This is what scares me very much. The last time we talked about it, with me bringing it up, he said I just have to trust him that if he has any questions or thoughts he will bring it up. I am scared he is burying it and one day it will come back 100 times worse.

He isn't real interested in IC or MC. He doesn't even understand why I go...he has said it was a waste of money.

Really 95% of the time, it's as if I did not bring this into our lives. I am miserable with myself, and I so desperately want a good strong marriage. I want to heal from this, not just cover it up so we don't see it.

BG68,

""So I ask him, email him to tell me what his needs are, to list 5 things I could do to show him I love him. And that is ignored. What can I do?""

Get a large 2X4 or baseball bat and whack him up side his thick skull and then ask him again. Keep repeating until you get his attention. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Asking what you could do to show him you love him???? And he ignores you??

Have you told him how serious you are??

You said that when you started telling him about the kisses he would interupt and say "Are you leaving me?"

Did he say this with fear in his eyes? Was it a relief to him that the contact was minimal.

(And the thing in the bedroom, waking you up, could be considered rape in these 50 states I believe)

Is he under reacting and you over reacting?
(said in a very unaccusing tone of voice)

k

Kudos to you for being honest. That really shows your willingness to move forward and take responsibility for your actions.


Great idea...haha.

Seriously, your H needs help just as much as you do. Has your counselor mentioned to you that your H needs to go as well? This is not something that can be ignored by either of you. It is beyond my comprehension why your H doesn't see the severity of this problem. Does he not realize it will only get worse if nothing is done about it? Usually people that have had no dealings with an A feel this way, but your H is going through the pain of an A and still doesn't realize what is going on.

I think you need to sit him down and have a long, meaningful talk about exactly what you are feeling and thinking. Let him know how much the counseling is helping you and that you feel it would really help him too. Make sure to sound more helpful and concerned than lecturing, complaining, and judging. Your H should come to his senses when he realizes how serious you are taking this. Do you think he would consider posting on here or even just reading and getting info on what he's going through?
--CO

Krusht,
I have asked him over and over again. He says, "I don't know" or makes some comment about sex. If I email him, I get, "I'll think it over" and then nothing. If I talk about what I need, he'll do whatever once or twice and then nothing until I bring it up again. For example, I want love notes, so one day, I left him a note saying "I NEED love notes", he flipped the note over and wrote "Surprise! Here is a love note. I love you!" And that was that.

In regards to the "Are you leaving me" comments, I never had the chance to START telling him about the kisses because the moment I said (on several occasions), "I need to talk to you about something," he would say, "Just tell me if you want to leave." I didn't see fear or anger or anything. It just seemed like everyday conversation. All business.

Funny you should bring up possible rape. That was the first thing out of my IC's mouth. But there was no sex and the moment I realized he wasn't my H and said "No" he immediately stopped and apologized. Heck, I even apologized. Between the 2 of us, our southern manners were impeccable. Geez, I'm such an idiot!

cheated-on,

You mentioned sitting down and talking again with my H. The last time I did this, he told me I would just have to trust him to come to me if he wanted to talk about it. And when I talk to him about how much I hate myself, how I feel I have ruined everything and how I just want to disappear some days, I get no response, no encouragement, nothing. So I leave the conversation even more depressed. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should keep pushing it or take his lead. I don't want to make things worse, especially if he is dealing with it his own way. I did not have sex with that guy, so I wonder if it just is not as big a deal to him as it could have been. KWIM?

And he just doesn't think he needs counseling. Like I said, he doesn't know why I go. He truly is the most laid back person I know. Nothing seems to get under his skin. Not even this. I really don't know how to proceed with this.

Thank you both for the replies.