I've been here for a while and one of the recurring themes I see is labeling certain behavior as an addiction. I doesn't really matter what the behavior is: porn, sex, drink, smoke, shopping, exercise, etc.

Inevitably someone posts about a behavior of their spouse that bothers them and then the term addiction or addict often gets attached. My question is, are these repetitive behaviors really addictions or are the just annoying habits?

If I label someone an addict does that make them one? It seems to me, if I am understanding what is often posted here, it does. If the person I label an addict agrees with me then, I guess, they are an addict. If they protest and say "no" then they are in denial . . . and thus, they are an addict . . . the person with the applied label cannot defend against this accusation.

Here is one definition of addiction:
http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/addiction

2. compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

So here addiction is constrained to drugs . . . but I believe that other behaviors can become compulsive/addictive. It seems from this definition that one of the keys to defining addiction is that the user must acknowledge that what they are doing harms them. I can see this clearly with drug use. I have a harder time with other behaviors . . . gambling? porn? golf? sex? watching t.v.?


Let's say a wife likes to shop. She compulsively shops. She hoards things. She often buys things she already has because she has so much stuff she forgets she already has it. She doesn't see her behavior as a problem . . . the couple is financially sound. Is this behavior an addiction? If the husband were to say "you're addicted to shopping" does it make it so? She can agree with him. . . then she is an addict. She can argue that she isn't . . . they by the denial logic . . . she is an addict. Hmmm . . .

one word answer: dopamine; aka the "love drug"

The initial stages of romance are literally an addiction.

People can get addicted to any behavior or substance which triggers the right brain chemicals to give them a high.

We know this because it happens to lab rats, too.

Alcohol, heroin, crack, meth, gambling, shopping, attention, or sex can all provide the right brain chemicals that lead to addiction.

If a behavior and/or substance is interfering with normal life . . .

. . . and the person is unable to stop the behavior or substance even when it's clearly causing interference with and even destruction of normal life . . .

I'd call that an addiction.

Mulan>not an expert

Yep, I agree with the initial stages of romance are addictive. It is funny that this addiction passes rather quickly. Isn't it frequently said that you never can get over an addiction?

"and the person is unable to stop the behavior or substance even when it's clearly causing interference with and even destruction of normal life . . ."

I can see this. But I think the operative phrasing here is "clearly causing interference . . . " In my little shopping scenario what the husband sees as "clearly interfering" the wife doesn't see it that way at all. Who is right and who decides?

Well, that may be frequently said - but also, may be frequently wrong. Right?

I guess it depends on what is meant by "getting over." Alcoholics can sucessfully stop drinking for the rest of their lives. A smoker can stop smoking. A WS can restore a marriage. But in each case a relapse may be possible. Did they "get over it" or just supporess it? Beyond my knowledge level to know.

JMHO

WAT

Thanks WAT.

I don't have the answers either or I wouldn't have posted this.

I did a lot of reading on this a few years back, but I don't remember it all. My oldstimers disease. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But I do recall the facinating parallels between romantic love, as experienced in romantic affairs, and other addictions or activities causing the "pleasure response" mechanisms to fire off in the brain. Dopamine is the key ingredient.

Another parallel is incapacitation of the "oops response" when lots of dopamine is on the loose in the brain - regardless of what the stimulus is. Let me find an old post on this and I'll bump it up for you.

WAT

For me, there is a very gray area as to whether I "enjoy" reading and posting on these forums, or whether or not it has become somewhat of an addiction.

Affairs are certainly addictions, all consuming, to the point a person's behavior will modify to ANY extent to enable the ability to get the "fix".

I am likewise addicted to the desire to play golf, which I have to monitor in times when I do have the time to play often. That cuts into our 15 hours/week, and is "harmful" to our marriage.... but not to the extent that crack, alcohol or adulty would. My MIL used to be addicted to "soap opera" tv. My W is nearly addicted to "garage sales". But ARE they addictions if we can control them?

Addictions can be overcome with the proper mindset and a great deal of will power. I could be addicted to gambling, but my self restraint (boundaries) will not allow that to happen.

It boils down to taking ownership of your actions.

JMHO
SD

SD,

So if you can control a compulsion then it isn't an addiction?

I can be compulsive about space issues and desiring time alone. I can control the desire to be alone enough to have a wife and kids. I will have this desire for quiet the rest of my life, so perhaps it is an addiction, kind of. Except that I don't really think it is damaging to me . . . If it got out of had it could certainly damage the marriage though, but that probably doesn't, necessarily, make it an addiction. Maybe this is all just Friday wordplay . . .

CN,
I'm curious as to the reason for your question. This isn't the first time you've expressed skepticism about the use of the term "addiction" to describe certain behaviors. In fact, if I remember correctly, you took me to task for calling my H a porn addict, even though he:

-Used it every night for years...
-Sometimes more than once a night...
-Sometimes when he "didn't even want to"...
-Couldn't wait to get his family "out of the way" in order to "feed his addictions" every night (which also included drinking and internet gambling)...
-Could barely manage to have sex with me once every other month or so (because he was spent, if you know what I mean)...
-Kept doing it even AFTER I had an affair... he admitted to his "addiction" and acknowledged how harmful it had been... and we resumed frequent SF.

The above phrases in "" are direct quotes from him, by the way.

So what is it you're really asking CN?

--SC

***Let's say a wife likes to shop. She compulsively shops. She hoards things. She often buys things she already has because she has so much stuff she forgets she already has it. She doesn't see her behavior as a problem . . . the couple is financially sound. Is this behavior an addiction?***

The "interference with normal life" surely goes beyond the financial. This sounds like typical addict/WS behavior to me - the symptom of being blind and deaf to the pain or discomfort that their actions bring to someone else, and of seeing and hearing nothing but their own feelings.

Self-centeredness is the hallmark of the addict, isn't it?
Mulan

Smartcookie:

You're right in that I do wonder if the term addiction is applied with a liberal brush. I went to the local bookstore last night and was amazed with the volume of addiction related offerings.

I made the post because I was wondering what others thought the word meant.

I don't particularly remember "taking you to task" about labeling your H an addict, but I apologize if I treated you poorly in another post. From what you describe, it sure sounds like he has major issues with porn.

So, what am I really asking? I guess, how one differentiates a really annoying repetitive habit from an addiction. And, maybe, does the distinction really matter anyway?

Mulan,

"Self-centeredness is the hallmark of the addict, isn't it?"

Yes. Maybe it is the disregard of the effect of what you are doing has on the people that are in your life. Maybe that is getting to the nub.

Just to add my 2cents- my WH has "obsessive-compulsive
disorder", and works on that as well as other issues
in therapy (is bipolar).
In discussion with the counselors and psychiatrist we've been told the prime difference between and "addiction" and obsession, habits, or compulsions is the chemical factor, mentioned here in some earlier posts.
"Addictions" produce chemicals in the brain resulting in a "high" of sorts, where as habits, obsessions and compulsions do not.

At least this particular counselor and psychiatrist
consider obsessions, compulsions and habits to be
"learned" behaviors, which can , therefore, be "un"
learned and eliminated with effort and persistence.

Due to the chemical nature of "addiction" it's a much
harder thing to break free of, and there seems to be
debate on whether or not they can be "cured".
Generally you hear that alcoholics can be considered
"recovered" but not "cured", and are susceptible to
reocurrence if they were to have even one drink.
Don't know the answer to that, in relationship to the
"addiction" of an A, because I don't necessarily think
that a WS is always prone to reocurrence of another A ??

Slammed

Thanks Slammed. It sounds like your H is getting the help he needs.

If you look at the cause as opposed to the effect of "addictions" I think you may see a difference in classification.

For instance my dad was an acute, chronic alcoholic, and my mother was a compulsive gambler.

Both were "addictions" in a sense, however my dad's alcoholism was caused at the cellular level which he had a genetic predisposition to. My mothers was caused by a desire to not face his alcoholism, it was an escape based addiction.

My dad could never become cured of his addiction (he could have however chose not to drink), my mother with a willingness and help could have become cured of her "addiction". So I would probably classify my mother's as a really bad habit she aquired to not deal with reality...although it became very much as devastating as alcoholism, I would still be more inclined to lump this in the category as affairs as they too are "escapist" behaviour.

Because of my background in alcoholism it rubs me in a bad way when I see affairs and alcoholism likened to each other. And I think it does the families of and the alcoholic a great diservice to do so.

Again, I am talking about the "true" alcoholic and not one who develops a habit of drinking and then justifying his behavior with it.

I could post data regarding alcoholism being a primary physiological disease which occurs at the cellular level first, but I don't have time right now. I will post this definition of, and if anyone wants more info, please let me know.

Weaver,

I think that alcoholism is a terrible affliction; to the addict, and to his/her family, and to society. To keep drinking despite the devestation that it causes . . . that person is certain sick at some deep-core level.

Yes, but that comes as a secondary effect of the disease, it is not the primary cause.

And CN, it makes a big difference in the understanding and treatment of this disease. But I'll let it go, because I could get really carried away here. LOL

I am addicted to smoking. I've now quit for over a month. The book I've used (along with the patches for the actual nicotine addiction) has been AMAZINGLY GOOD.

Her way of conquering the addiction is NOT to repress the urge or the desire but to welcome it and work through it. Her success rate is very high as her (researched) reasoning is that a repressed desire will resurface at a later date which is why most smokers go back to smoking even after months or years.

There's a whole book to read but the following is the basis of it.

IT REALLY WORKS.

What I do is follow her outline which is:

I have the desire to smoke.
I have the freedom to smoke.
One puff and I'll be smoking.
For now, I choose to accept the desire rather than smoke.

It is amazingly simple and would work for NC as well.