My husband and I have been happily married for three years now. We never fight and we always spend time together. My problem is, about a month ago, his best female friend from high school showed up after about a two-year absence. She is actually a friend of both of ours and she was the one to set us up in the first place. Well, apparently my husband, about 9 years ago, had feelings for her but she never had feeling for him. Now that she has shown back up in our lives, she has started to have feelings for him and, unfortunately, these feelings she has have "awakened" the feelings in my husband. A couple of days ago, my husband finally confessed the above. He has not had a physical affair, but he did confirm to me that he loved her. After talking with him for several hours on the night that he proclaimed this to me, he decided that he wanted to stayed married to me. He was really confused at this time because he has extreme feelings for us both and he would never want to leave me but yet he loves her. Anyway, he decided the next day to let her know that it would not ever work out with them. According to him, he took care of it and so far, in the last two days or so, he has not had any contact with her that I am aware. He professed his love for me and even told me I was the "perfect" wife for him.

I also understand that in order to continue to save our marriage, he will have to give up his 10-year friendship with this woman.

My only question, if someone else has gone through a similar thing, is how supportive do I need to be and can I be overly supportive? I do not want to make him feel smothered by offering too much affection at this time while he is still processing the "love lost." However, I do not want to make it seem like I don't care either. Can I show too much affection? Also, if she suddenly comes back in our life again or if he starts talking to her, how is the best way to let him know that his feelings will only continue without sounding like a "jealous" spouse?

Thanks so much for all your input.

Candice

Wow, that is a hard one. Your husband was honest, and apparently this has been nipped in the bud. I would feel more comfortable if he had written a no contact letter, had it approved by you, and sent to her by you.

The trouble with talking and "taking care of it", is you don't know what was said. A no contact letter should state that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and will have no contact with her ever again for any reason. It is not sentimental, and leaves no room for misinterpretation.

That is true. I wish I had found this site before this all happened...then maybe we could have done a letter. He has been very honest about the whole thing. I knew from about three weeks ago that she had all of a sudden had feelings for him and then a couple of days ago, as I said before, found that he had feelings for her. My husband is always very straight forward and honesty with me; he always believes on letting you know exactly where he stands. I just hope that this is nipped now. I guess if it continues on or if she starts calling him, I will have to ask him to write a noncontact letter and get it cleared up for good.

The sad thing is I think she has decided to like him because she has so many problems of her own and she feels he "takes care of her," even though all he has done is allowed her to call him. Anyway, hopefully it will have a happy ending.

I'd keep my eyes open if I were you. Regardless of how honest and good your husband was before, if he's feeling 'in love' with this woman, he could do anything.

I love that term, 'awakening an old love'. It's more like awakening an old fantasy, because that's what it is. You don't love someone that you didn't have a real relationship with, it was just infatuation.

Be supportive and attractive, but I'd snoop on him a bit to make sure he's not keeping up contact with her. Cell phone records and email accounts.

I hope it really is over.

Some men have the "knight in shining armour" syndrome. I would be sure to give him lots of admiration about now.

I think you are right about the infatuation part of it. He always was infatuated with her through high school and he believes, and I agree, that if they try a relationship together it most likely will not work. They have never done anything romantic together in their entire 10 years of knowing eachother and just because you have always been good friends does not guarantee compatiability, I believe. He is being very logical about the whole situation, but love can make you do things against your logical side.

I really hope it is over too, because I would have a real hard time losing him. We both still love eachother, and even this has not affected my love for him. I will just have to watch him for awhile. Thanks for all your suggestions. They are giving me some ideas as to how to handle this situation. Keep 'em coming.

Here is my take on this -- for what it is worth.... Love him ... you cannot possibly offer too much affection -- jsut treat him the way you do, and try not to think about the OW -- after all, she really isn't in the picture.

Second, if the EA is not ended - if she "suddenly comes back into your life again", then you insist upon "no contact" -- this cannot happen. He either loves you and wants to be with you, or he loves her and wants to be with her -- there is no "cake eating" here. One or the other and not both. That was what I had to insist upon with my beloved WH -- "sorry, babe... you cannot have your cake and eat it too. Either she's the one, or I'm the one."

It sounds as if your H is open and honest. Keep those lines of communication open.

It is not too late to have him write a no contact letter. You just can't make believe you can just forget about this. You need to take steps to affair proof your marriage. Get the book 'Surviving an Affair'. Even if it was an EA and not a PA.
Anolther good book is 'Not Just Friends', by Shirley Glass.

If you can afford it, purchase the MB Home Study course. Otherwise read all you can on this site and read the Harley books together and make sure that you follow the:

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

You have a good shot at having a great marriage. You can't be complacent about your marriage and the work involved in recovery.