Ok first i should start by explaining a little about my WH affair..about 4 weeks ago i discovered my wh had a 6 month affair with his coworker..to make matters even worse is that about 3 months into the affair we purchased our first house..he started bringing her over to work out with me because we have a home gym..since i am new to this state and i am a housewife i have had a very hard time meeting new people..so he told me i should become friends with her and etc..she came over played poker and other things such as watching our two kids so we could go out together and have some alone time..

when we met her she was going through a divorce herself.. her husband had been cheating on her with her friend..so she sat there telling me her sob stories while she was sleeping with my husband as i later came to find out..now as i look back i realize i knew this was going on the whole time..from the moment i met her something just didn't feel right..dont get me wrong i constantly questioned his and her relationship.. i felt they spent way to much time together..

oh by the way he is her boss and they work in a very small office..i would say that the feeling of cheating really started to take over around november..but when i brought up the issue i was made to feel like i was paranoid and overeacting..he even went so far as to say she was a [censored]..because she is ex military and not very feminem..but i didn't think she was..so to make a really long story short i came across some evidence on the computer lets just say some pics. so i confronted him...he tried to deny it but the next day after my couple of hours of interogation he broke down and told me the whole truth about everything..

so i have managed to keep a clear head and decided not to make any rash decisions out of anger..so we have decided to try to get past this and repair our marriage or at least try to see if it can be repaired..my problem is that he is her boss and he cant just fire her so she is still working with him..i keep telling him i can not try to repair our marriage while she is still in his life.. especially since she is spending more time with him at this point then i am..he keeps telling me that she is not the issue..our problems in the past are the issue..we need to focus on fixing us and not her..to a degree i agree..we had problems before she came along which made it easy for him to have the affair..but my point is that she is a whole new problem that has not been delt with and in order for us to move on she has to be..and he just cant seem to do that..

i had to force him to stop talking to her as friends..he was still doing that until about 2 weeks ago..even now i'm not sure he has done it.. i think now he just isn't telling me what they are talking about..everytime i ask i'm told nothing of importance..just work related..

so now i am at the point where i refuse to have her in my life if he cant fire her i want him to find another job..i told all of this to him today..i told him that he could not seperate from her completely then i would have to leave..that i can not on a daily basis wonder about what they are doing, talking about at work..especially later in the day when i know it is just the two of them in the office...

and he has flat out refused..he told me he has worked 5 years to get this promotion and he isn't ready to walk away..right now he is our only source of income..what really gets me is both of them willingly did this to all of us and they didn't even consider the consequences of there actions..so i think now is the time for them to deal with the consequences..

he really expects me to just get over her working there and to move on with us..is it just me or is that the most selfish thing you have heard..he said he will put our family in more jeopardy just financially..is it really so wrong for me to suggest he make this sacrifice for us? i'm just so at a loss..i know i can't live with her in my life..but i dont want to give up on us..but then i think about he's the one who is refusing to repair us.. i kind of feel he has made his decision..is it wrong for me to demand this from him? i just feel like my head is going to explode..any advice would be helpul..if any one has been in the same situation or if you just have an opinion..

If they continue to work together, your marriage won't survive. Have you exposed them at work and to those that could influence him?

I am a FWS and I am also a selfish person(something I am currently getting counseling for). If there is anybody who knows what selfishness is it's me and I must say your H is being selfish! I know I am no one to talk but I have come to a place in my life where I am able to admit my own personal fault. All I have to say is they must be separated one way or another. I know he can't fire her but has he tried asking her to step down from her position . He could also influence her to step down by finding a new position for her or giving her a great referral so she can find another job. Trust me ...if he can figure out how to have an affair behind your back (which takes a lot of planning and thinking) ,he can figure out how to get rid of the OW!(if he really wants to)


Also if he refuses to find another job because he has worked so hard for 5 years for that positon remind him that you are working so hard, perhaps even harder to keep the marriage together! He is very lucky to have you. You are like my wife ...You and her have so much love for your husbands. I am so LUCKY my wife gave me another chance!!! Your husband is not living a reality. His vision is fogged by this OW. The level of your love for him , to even want to work it out, is something he needs to realize, just as I did . That is a love he will never ever find again. So let's just pray he sees what he has and will be willing to figure out a way to get rid of the OW!

faerygirl.
I'm sorry for your pain.... I might ahve missed it but are there children? How long have you been married?

Have you confronted HER?? Maybe you should... but.. read all you can here and start your Plan "A" and learn what "needs" SHE filled that you maybe didn't

There is NO Excuse for what he did... BUT... unfortunatly..... something you may have NOT done... gave a fertal ground for the A to happen..

Learn all you can here.,... and calmly find out what you can about the needs thing.... YOU CAN DO THIS!!
Good Luck and Prayers... FRANK

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we have two children and we have been married for almost 8 years..well last night he told his mother about his affair..i needed him to because she has experienced being cheated on and had some really bad relationships..and i get along with her really well..i needed advice from her and i didn't want to be the one to break the news..she was such a wonderful help to me..she didn't defend him at all and even chewed his but up good..

she gave me alot of advice..for one i told her how with the OW being at his work was ruining my life because i cant visit anymore at all or call him..and she made a very good point that i am letting her have control over me..that i am giving her the power to control me.. she told me that if i want to go to his work then i should...i should hold my head up high make sure i look good..make sure i dont look as if my life is over..and just give her a smile like she has no effect whatsoever on me..and after that treat her like she is a fly on the wall..that way she can see that my husband and i are going to try to get past this and she doesn't have a chance in the world to get him..that way i am a reminder to her of what she has done..and chances are she probably will make herself scarce..she isn't going to want to be around if i'm there..

she also let him know that her being there is a problem and she has to go..she also let me know that making him quit really isn't a good idea because we could loose everything if he doesn't find a job making the money he is now since he is our only source of income..she told me i should make her life so miserable that she leaves by being a constant presence..and letting her see us happy together with our kids so maybe her guilt will make her leave..

i told her how my husband was having a bar-b-q next weekend for his employees and family and i couldn't go cause she would be there..she told me i should..and you know she is right..i wont let her control me or have the upper hand..i really believe this situation is going to make me such a stronger person.

i really feel there is no need to confront her at this point.i really dont care to hear her apologies or why she did it..she intentionally hurt me and my family..so that tells me all i need to know about her..any thing she was to say would only anger me at this point..and the one thing i have learned from this is that angry confrontations are pointless and that i will never get all the answers to my questions..so i am focusing on what is important..

why she did it has no bearing in my life or even her apologies..i'm not trying to repair my friendship with her..so as far as i am concerned she is nothing to me..she is beneath me not worthy of my thoughts anymore..

repairing my marriage is important focusing on our issues that allowed us to fall apart from each other is important..understanding what my husband found in her that he lost with me is important..admitting that i have neglected him in this marriage is important..i have not been the perfect wife nor has he been the perfect husband..i truly want us to work our issues out..making myself a stronger person is important..

thank you so much for your support i totally agree with you that in some way i had a part in this..dont get me wrong he chose the affair for his own needs..but i was insufficient in some way that left him feeling he needed someone to fill it..i do not believe that he is some sex addict...he had needs that needed to be filled and he chose to go about getting them the wrong way..looking this forum really has helped me in so many ways..i'm not just thinking of myself i am thinking about his needs also..so i really hope we can get past this..

Is he the head of the company? If so, he needs to check with his attorney about firing her. He needs to be really careful as she could sue him for sexual harrassment if she decides she is mad because he is back with you.

If he is not the head, he needs to go to his supervisor and see if they can help him get rid of her.

Getting her out of his place of employment is a necessity.