Hi fellow sufferers! I'm new here and if you asked me two weeks ago, I would never have guessed
I'd ever turned my interest towards a site like this.
Too bad and now maybe it's all too late! Anyway, here's my story:
We have been married for 13 years and have two lovely kids (1 of twelve and 1 of 7 yrs). I'm 45 and my wife is 37. Up until now I thought everything was peaches 'n cream.
We have had a good time together, share common values and as far as I could see, had a pretty damn good relationship.
Like all others, we have had our ups and downs, but if I was to call it, I'd say we had have a great marriage put
in total.
We decided some time ago ( over a year) to have a third child and finally
in January we found out that we were pregnant.
However, during this process, I was away working quite a bit.
In total I have been away from home 6 of 12 weeks this winter and we never really had a proper sit-down
to share our thoughts about this third child. We were both a bit shaky, I guess, about the great news, but decided to go for it. So, when I get back home after my last stretch
of work (4 weeks) I have this feeling that something fishy is going on.
After two days I ask my wife right out and she tells me that
she's not sure weather she loves me or not, weather we have
a future together and so forth. She says she missed me a lot the first 2 weeks
of my last stretch, but she somehow lost connection and
I faded away. The thing is that comms was not reliable
where I was working, so we had sparse moments of telephone
contact. So... Then I ask her if there is another man in there somewhere, not really expecting it to be so,
but... Well there was! I was shocked! This was a colleague
of hers that she always have had a good professional
relationship with and whos company she has always liked.
The thing is that I know the guy. He is married and has a 3yr-old and we have been socializing and having dinners together with them. He knows me and our kids!
This creep has now, knowing that my wife is 4 mths pregnant,
made a pass on her and came out and said that he has always
loved her and wants to be together with her. He says he
is going to leave his family regardless.
The thing is that my wife is responding!! She gets "confused", she says.
Anyway: I crack at this news and cave in totally. I'm so shocked!
The prospect of what could be in the process of happening here throws me into panic. We have this conversation over 10
minutes and then she's off to work!
I start pulling all vines and handles I can reach. When she
comes home that evening, I have arranged so that the kids
are out of the house so we can have a proper talk.
She starts this by giving me a 15 minutes rundown of how unhappy
I have made her feel over the years. I just sit and take it all in. We are different in the way that I'm more of an bohemian/artist-type and she is more of an control/planning/order-character. Over the years my attitude to some things have really gotten
up her nose and when she has tried to convey this to me,
I have just brushed it aside, smirked and neglected her needs, not recognizing their importance.
I have been neglecting her, not showing affection,
not being physical other than with sex in mind and so forth.
I realize that I have probably been a real a-hole!
The worse part is that she has been feeling guilty and inferior over having these feelings, so she has not put
her message through.
I fully recognize the validity of her feelings in regards
to our relationship. Anyway, easter is coming up and I'm
now in a very dark place emotionally.
I pace around our home avoiding her. She avoids talking to me.
I arrange for counselling, she is reluctant to go, I gets dissapointed. The weekend is approaching and I don't know how
to cope. I pack a suitcase and tells her that I have to get out of the house. During this, she developes a TOOTH ACE big time.
She is in agony, and I realize I can't leave. I pull her through, supporting her, ease the pain by massage and helps her get to a
dentist on Good Friday.
This ordeal brings us together and we have a great weekend
just like in the old days. Laughs and fun. A small family hike
in the woods, dinner and eventually some sex. Not make-up
or mercy-sex, but moments of pure intimacy and joy.
For the first time we ENJOY her pregnancy together and
share thoughts about becoming parents again.
Next week comes, and I'm back on square one again... She needs space, she avoids to discuss the situation,
she is promising to go to counselling,
but fails to make a commitment or come up with a suitable time. I tell her, in a rare moment we get to talk a bit,
that I don't want our previous relationship back.
I want an improved marriage and that I'm willing to commit myself to that goal. If that fails,
I want as smooth separation as possible, for the sake of the kids, but we need help in sorting that out.
I tell her that I will see her through this time
of trouble if she wants me to, but I'll leave at her request. She responds by sobbing and throwing herself
in my arms, but otherwise not much is said. She is tired from her pregnancy and needs to go to bed at 10, so there
is not much time for us to talk.
I think she is using this methode to avoid the confrontation
that is lurking in the back.
She is now off on a buisness trip with a bunch of colleagues
and this bloke is going to be there too.
He, by now, has left his wife. I pass off the odd warm but emotionally unthreatening text mss
on her cell and she respons, but sort of distantly.
I realize that I'm invading the "space" she is seeking,
but I'm afraid to not remind her of me and the kids. She is returning tomorrow and I'm dreading it.
I bought some roses and put on the table, cleaned the house
and made a big promise to myself that I was going to
be cool and not put up a sad face when she comes back.
Well, this has been a long story and I guess my question
to all of you is how am I going about this? Am I doing well here? What shall I avoid doing? I realize that beeing "needy" or pushy will only widen the crack,
so I do my best to be warm and strong, but with
a clear agenda as of what I want our relationship to be.
Do you think I have a shot? The mere thought of her (possibly) having sex with this guy while pregnant with our child sickens me to the heart.
I have not talked much about him at all, and about this absolutely not, but it lingers in my mind...
What kind of man would even consider something like that?
Well, waddaya say?
Love on you!
