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Here I go again. Thing with H and I have been going well for about a week or whenever I don't bring up any problems. I refused to argue or use any LB. I found out the first week in Jan. that he was calling OW. A few days later I asked if it was sexual. I had been asking him since November if he was having an affair the answer was no. In November we had a large argument- he said he hadn't loved me for 10 years and that the only thing he was scared about was losing the kids. I immediately tried to start to make him have everything that he wanted. Which was freedom. He has always said that I have ben controlling. Controlling to him is me taking over my life.
I never realized how weak he was allowing me to control and him trying to fill my every whim. I think that is part of my personality. My drive is what has gotten me through many hard times throughout my very difficult life. After beginning to take care of myself at 16, I now have my masters and my own business. through it all he has helped encourage me to be where I am. He on the other hand has not had the drive to get what he wants.
Somehow after the affair, I confessed my undying love and said I loved him- no matter what! I would do anything to fix the problem. All I have gotten is on and off commitments mostly to the children. He wants me to show him what love looks Like. I don't know if I can show him love when I am getting- I have never loved you and I never have wanted to kiss you because you make me unhappy. I am beginning to wonder if my life would be better with someone who can make me happier and meet needs that have never been met. Somehow i am supposed to love and admire someone who is not willing to work on things without me initating it, tells me daily that he doesn't think we have a future, tells me he has been unhappy for 10 years, and basically shows me that he has no desire for me. I feel he needs to wake up and show me he cares, but i know that I am not going to get that. I love him a lot, but think that with the constant withdrawls from my bank, I will not have the energy to try to fix things anymore. I can't even tell you why I want to stay with him. I look at my life with another man who tells me that I am a good person, shows me he cares, and financially supports me the way I feel I have earned to be supported. I have never had a need for money, but lately after working myself to death to get where I am, I have a desire to not be worrying about bills or whether my mortgage will be paid.
I do all the bills and all of everything except occasional dishes and laundry. He says that he does enough making the money. Now after being a stay at home mom for 6 years, I am working and doing all of this too. RESENTMENT!!! Soemthing inside wants me to stay, but everything else is telling me to move on to someone who loves me!
Oh the kicker is that our ten year anniversary in October started this whole problem. He gave me a ring and said I should be happy because it cost as much as buying two kayaks. All I wanted was a I love you and want to let you know how much I care for you! Who cares about material posessions. All I want is the one I have commited my life to to show me he cares instead he goes and has a A with another women a week later. H has major issues of course we have been through a lot in the past two years- death, sick children, one house destroyed by renters, second house destroyed by mold, medical issues.... Last March , he went into depression over the fact that his heart was not functioning properly (found out in November it was fine), found out his knee fundtions improperly and his career is shot!- He stopped drinking in last March and caused this great depression. This women made him feel happy again.
Can an affair happen because someone is depressed?
Just trying to figure everything out and making myself a mess!
[color:"yellow"] [/color] Married ten years Have two young children 5& 2 D-Day January 7 affair lasted two months- could be easy ( in the scheme of things) to get over if H would share his feelings.
me BW- 29
WH- 29
2kids- 2&5
married 10 years
"Love is the gift of self. It means emptying oneslf to reach out to others. In a certain sense, it means forgettung oneself for the good of others."
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Here are my previous posts, it feels nice to have everything in one place- all my thoughts and ideas:
After reading all of these again, I know we need a MC, but haven't found a good one yet. Money is short so I need one that takes our insurance.
hi, just spent an hour writeing a post and lost it- I will try again!- summary: I have a ws who says that he is done trying to make things work. I found out in jan. that he had an affair with a women form his vounteer job it ended- i think when I found out. I lasted from halloween to new years- i think. I have trouble with trust right now. and have been love busting which seems to have caused this hopeless ness from him, but he has been on and off since I found out. Says that he hasn't loved me for ten years. And that I am controling and he needs his freedom to do his own thing without guilt. I feel hurt by his freedom- he has always wante dto go to bars drinking with the buddies most who I don't know- Fianlly in November I gave in and he started with her. He says how would he know I gave in because I was scares because he told me he didn't love me anymore. anyways what should I do? I am lost and am losing hope.
Here is my situation. In Ocotber it was our 10 year anniversary. He gave me a ring and commented about the price- I was very hurt, becase I felt that he didn't care.I ask for the ring as a way for him to ask me to marry him again and profess his love to me- as he and I had a rushed decision to marry after two years courting. We needed the money that the military would give us if we were married to put me through college (his idea) We were planning on getting married the following year (he had ask me during boot camp- his hardest time, but seemed to forget afterwards), but he had yet to propose except a proposal of getting married - not traditionally- more like a if you marry me then, ... and it would be best... I felt good with the situation, He feels that it was quick and I felt it apporopriate. Anyways our marriage has been filled with love busters and not meeting of my emotional needs for years. We have also had a lot of good times and fun toghether. We are a strong couple and have good communication for the most part!! I feel I meet his needs, but then withdraw from his love bank by using angry outbursts and disrepectful comments (within the last six months I felt that I was trying to change this with much sucess. I had gotten to a point where we hardly argued, but he said it was because he was giving in to all of my requests). To me LB's are not harsh because I come from a very vebal house that presents all their problems in a forceful way, they get solved and we move on. He comes from a family that bottles all of their emotions. Anyways, he is deeply hurt when we argue and never forgets it (never realized how deep until recently). Recently I have been using LBs because of his hurtful comments, since March, I have stopped almost all except the occasional once a month outburst. Anyways I was not having any outbursts until I found out about the affair. Then I responded very calmly. I asked if he loved her and wanted to be with her? He said they were over having sexually relations before christmas and they were still talking, but he would have to talk to her one more time to tell her it was over. He says he hasn't spoken with her since January, but of course I still fell that he is (he always has a secret life going- says it is his privacy that he never has gotten- he said he went from a controling mom to me). I wish I would have found recovering after an affair book in January. Now we are three months down the road and do not have anything going in the right direction. We never have time together because we have two kids ages 2 and 5. He wants to spend the bulk of his time with them and says, "should I feel guilty for being with the kids?" I say no, but we need time to work things out. He says he is done trying to work things out. He has tried for ten years and I have done nothing. i feel this is not true, I if knew that I hurt him, I would have changed everything! I had no clue he was this unhappy as he didn't express his feelings to me. yadda yadda yadda- a typical HELP what should I do now? I know that i need to stop having LB, but I feel talking about the books is causing him stress right now. Should I try to meet his emotional need or is it worthless right now because he won't let me? He refuses sex most of the time. Is there hope? or will I come out of this feeling resentment for my efforts and his desire to not try now. In addition, I am not sure why he had an affair. He has stated several reasons: he was finally getting the freedom that he never had, he was getting revenge for ten years of unhappiness!, he wanted to spend time with her because she reminded him if me in our early years when I was happy go lucky. Let me tell you the last one makes sense- since my daughter was born in 2003, we have had the most stress:
in two months, my duaghter was born, my dog died (which caused a lot of issues about spending $1000 to save him, but he was our baby for 9 years), my son was hospitalized and almost died, we moved to a smaller house to afford me staying at home for the kids, our new house molded completely over the next year which ensued a leagal battle with previous owners, frequent trips to the doctor for both of my kids at least three times a month for 7 months, our second home had renters destroy it and move out, then a tree fell the roof of that house and incurred massive water damage because we didn't find out about it because it was vacant. Then, last March about the time his depression began, we found out that four chambers of my H heart were not functioning properly- he lost his chance of getting a job that he has been working to get since 1998 when he got out of the Marines, and then he knee fell apart and the doctor says he will have to have his leg broken in the next year. Also I opened my own school this year as a way for our children to get a good education. The school has been positive for us all, but stressful. I know I am ranting. The stress over the past two years has been taxing on us all especially because we lost a lot of contacts with friends and family due to the loss of our house here. We actually were asked to move our 2 kids out of the house for 3 months for health reasons, While we renovated the house.
Ranting and raving: Anyways, the stress has been hard on the whole family, but I feel that especailly on me. I do all the bills, clean the house, and take care of the children 24/ 7. I face the realtiy of this 24/7. Yes my H is wonderful to take care of the dishes and the laundry. He also helps with the children frequently. But I have needed support making phone calls, writing reports, calling insurance,.... and a break from time to time. He says that I am the taker in the relationship, but I feel that I give until it hurts!!!
Other thoughts:
What is the thought on telling others about the A? I have told people and he is very upset. He gives me a guilt trip about how sacred our relationship is- yet he cheated, not I.
I refused to tell him who, because i know he will say I am not going here or there.
I recently told two members of my family as I said i may need some support. He definately didn't want me to tell my dad because he has a special bond with him. My dad is very angry and hurt. Especailly because H was leaving the family with him to go with her.
One last thing: Bob said that his comment about freedom was because of a fog, but he has been saying this forever!! He feels that he needs time on his own to be who he is. I feel that he has some intimacy issues because of his relationship with his mom. What time away from the relationship is healthy? - I know now ,none since we are working on things, but after healing what is appropriate? In his book HARley suggests to me not much time should be spent doing leisure without your spouse. What about things that I don't enjoy, but he find enjoyable- rock climbing or that I enjoy- ballet classes (which I haven't done in years).
married 10 years two kids 2 and 5
hi, I am new to marriage builders and have read how to survive and affair, parts of his needs, her needs, and have been working through the workbook with H before he was in the non responsive state. H says that I have always treated him without respect and thus he had and affair. He has always wanted to go drinking at the bar with the guys and I have always wanted to go dancing with the girls. We both didn't agree with each other thinking that each was on the road to a meat market. So I got over it and moved on- he ffestered and felt that I have taken his life away!! He said I am controling- if you think though I have been living in the rule of if we are not both happy abondon and regroup. He instead festers and is upset, because he asks for nothing. I am very verbal about what I want but he is not. Now he refuses to work on the marriage, is still living with me and the two kids, but refuses to meet any of my needs, but says that I can try to meet his. Whe I offer recreation he denies and always has, when I say admirration he doesn't want to hear it??!! The OW was fufilling some need of his but after 3 months I have yet to determine which needs they are, why h had an affair. He has said many things, but they are all different which do I believe where do I start AND
If I am doing everythingI can to not LB and meet his emotional needs, to no avail how do I take care of me? I am up all night , not eating, and emotional drained- crying contantly. i THINK THAT EVEN SOME PERSON WHO YOU DON'T KNOW ON THE STREET WOULD BE ABLE TO BE MORE SYMPATHETIC TO THE PAIN THAN HE IS. i HURT CONSTANTLY AND HAVE NO WAY TO GET RID OF IT. PLEASE STOP THE PAIN!!!!- H is not sorry for what he did, is drinking after a year of sober, and refuses to talk about the situation.
I am still not sure if he is contacting her or not. I have caught him in a few lies, he leaves for work extra early, and come home late. I am wondering if this has been going on longer than i thought. Am I in plan A- if so I hate it!
Should I continue plan A or give up??? Do I talk with his about it? that alone seems to be a love buster.????
would n't say that H is an alcoholic, but used to drink about 2 a day until last march whne he found out that his heart was falling apart. He then lost 45 pounds and went back to the Dr. in november who told him he was 100% Recently I feel as a new addition, he has gone back to drinking- his behavior is the same, but he says he feels better. Seems to not care of his health.
I have stopped talking about feelings, the books, and ways to fix my marriage as he says he is done working on it i had my chance the last ten years and didn't care about him.
I think not!!!!! I know not!!!!
I don't know the real reason for the affair. My latest Idea is that he was with her to have a relationship without stress. That he could have fun and not worry about anything else!
We have had a dog die, our son almost die, two best friends die, a house move, a whole house mold causing us to be homeless for three months, a second home completely destroyesd by renters, a H heart problem, a H diagnosis that my husband would need knee surgery causing himto lose career job, a new baby, and lots of other sress in the past 2 years. H e said it was fun having her be happy- go - lucky like I used to be. meaning me without the stress of everything I deal with- all my ( our)responsibility. I do it all kids, bills, house, run a new business, and still make time for us!
I will continue plan A- when does that end??? how do I know???
I will be honest and tell him about who i have told- he wants to use it a punishment- i won't do that because I feel uncomfotable around them!
why is it that he can have no pain not about what he did, but that he caused pain to another in a selfish way? I know the answer I just need to vent.
Very angry right now I am writing this because I cannot sleep- one person cannot live their live feeeling unloved for too long. Okay I get it! and have got the idea why someone would feel vulnerable enough to have an affair. They really feel that the other person doesn’t care for them!!! I want to feel better too, but every part of my body is telling me that it is wrong to feel better at another’s expense. At the expense of my children not being happy when they are left with the babysitter as we have based our children’s life around the fact that they are always with us. We occasionally go out , but no enough. Now faced with the dilemma to fix my marriage, I am in a bind to be able to leave my kids even with their father to make me feel like a person. I am giving all I have right now, and I have no more. I just yelled at my daughter and am feling really bad. She is only 3, but refuses to let me put her down to sleep alone. When I placed her in bed, I guess too early (after rocking her 1 ½ hours) she awoke and immediately began her yelling- hold me, I want covers, I need a drink, I need you to pick me up, I don’t want to go to bed. All day with my children, tending to their every whim, all night with a cheating husband making him feel good about us, and NO time for making me an enjoyable person. I need time to make me feel better since my husband has vacated his position as protector. Before I could atleast comfort in his arms- now I feel I have to ask to be held and only if he is willing. UGGGH! I really sound selfish don’t I??? Maybe I am to selfish of a person to know how to love someone else.
Has anyone else felt this way???
I don't know if I can handle plan A he has used so many LB that I am in the negative- holding on for my kids. today he came home with a botlte of wine and chocolate supposedly for me, but never gave it to me. Also said was surprised I was crying all day because he thought things were good- of course he does I have given him everything he wants.
How do i know if he is still with OM? is it fair to keep bringin it up? I found her number still on his phone last week but under a different name- the phone bill has no sign of calls from her,, and he said it was because he wanted to not answer if she called. What do i do???
He also told me he was staying late at work, whnen i went by, he was leaving early.
I am going to try to talk now- never a good time- he is tired, but this will be night three of no sleep! I tmakes me grumpy and weepy all day!!!
Hi need some answers about exposure. I found out Jan about H affair. He said the SA was over, but EA was not, but then swears that he hasn't spoken with her again. I have foudn her number several times and he has lied a few times making me suspicious. Overall, things are calm now and he is coming out of the fog- i think. someone said that exposure should help. I have told many friends, I see daily, two of my best friends, my dad and wife, and one of three sister. I refused to let him know who because he was planning on using it as a punishment to not join me in events. This was a month ago. I am scared to tell him who I have told since we are doing better this week. Should I tell others? He has yet to tell anyone- bests friends, family ... Do I tell them? how do I do this? and When is a good time, as this seems to be a large love buster!?
I am not sure why I am doing this. I feel that I would like to know the A is over. He has said it is, but I am not sure if it because that is the truth or to cover. I have caught her phone number several times on his phone, in his wallet- he says I didn't know that was there. On the phone he put it under another name he say so that he doesn't pick it up- reminds me to check the phone bill and there will be no calls from her. He also has been working late(I check pay stub now). He has been coming home late and working a delivery job that he does occasionally anyways. I am not sure what is up. I feel he is still with her.
I want to expose so that he begins to feel guilt. He says he has no remorse over the A and thinks that he didn't ruin anything because our marriage to him was nothing.
He say I want others to feel pity for me- not true. Although support would be nice.
Today he is working on a delivery near her house. Says I can come check on him, but I don't want to put my 2 and 5 year old in the car to drive 2 hours round trip to this place and Gas today cost me $50!!!
me BW- 29
WH- 29
2kids- 2&5
married 10 years
"Love is the gift of self. It means emptying oneslf to reach out to others. In a certain sense, it means forgettung oneself for the good of others."
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 261
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Posts: 261 |
I am 99% sure the A is over and we have been spending a lot of time together doing fun things. i have been letting my business slide- my marriage is more important.
He wants to make things work but refuses to meet my needs even after I have droppped all my pride to reveal my thoughts and wants.
Posting helps me focus my ideas! Thanks for reading! Please reply if you have any words of wisdom, I feel I am in my own type of fog.
me BW- 29
WH- 29
2kids- 2&5
married 10 years
"Love is the gift of self. It means emptying oneslf to reach out to others. In a certain sense, it means forgettung oneself for the good of others."
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Posts: 17,837
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Plan A is for your self improvement. Have you read His Needs/Her Needs, taken the EN questionnaire together and go to a good MC or done phone counseling with Steve? If he won't do it with you, you go do it yourself.
Right now you are waaayy to confused to make life changing decisions. You can't even reverse babble to save your soul.
But if you learn, implement and stick to MB principals, you can and will survive.
Let us know when you w/b ready to really work on recovery.
L.
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He wants me to show him what love looks Like. This part is easy. The hard part is you BOTH must believe it, CHOOSE it, and apply it REGARDLESS of your emotional feelings, wants and desires or "I deserve...." sort of rationalizations. Here is the answer to your question. Accept or reject it FULLY, not partially. Unless it is accepted fully, needed changes by two very young married and self-centered people will not survive regardless of how many things you each think you are "trying." [color:"blue"]"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserverses. Love never fails."[/color] (1 Cor. 13:4-8a NIV, emphasis added) cfc, despite past poor choices, it is never to late to begin to do it right. God bless.
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My H is willing to work on it!! With a resounding commitment!!! Orchid's letter by trueheart did it!! He said this is a stupid letter and.... , but then the next day- hugs and kisses kind gestures- just a enough pick me up to give me some support.
Two questions still on my mind (these are copied from earlier):
People know that something is up. I have been in a cave for three months:
What is the thought on telling others about the A? I have told people and he is very upset. He gives me a guilt trip about how sacred our relationship is- yet he cheated, not I.
Also what is appropriate time away from each other? I don't think going out to bars is appropriate:
I mostly feel nothing is good because of the trust.
Bob said that his comment about freedom was because of a fog, but he has been saying this forever!! He feels that he needs time on his own to be who he is. I feel that he has some intimacy issues because of his relationship with his mom. What time away from the relationship is healthy? - I know now ,none, since we are working on things, but after healing what is appropriate? In his book HARley suggests to me not much time should be spent doing leisure without your spouse. What about things that I don't enjoy, but he find enjoyable- rock climbing or that I enjoy- ballet classes (which I haven't done in years).
me BW- 29
WH- 29
2kids- 2&5
married 10 years
"Love is the gift of self. It means emptying oneslf to reach out to others. In a certain sense, it means forgettung oneself for the good of others."
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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Good to know. 'Ol Trueheart did a great letter. My then WS was too azzheaded to realize it. All he did was criticize....let's just say some are just sloooo learners. But the point is he learned.
Let him know his anger scares you. Even a little scared is enough to make an issue over. Don't go being the strong one. He needs to know he has your needs to meet.
If he complains....don't cry....just let him know if he can't meet them, you'll go find someone else....no details....let him wonder. Now that's as long as those needs are of the non-sexual generic nature. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Still make him wonder. Keeps his gray cells moving.
L.
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I have been trying like crazy, but still don't have the answers to:
People know that something is up. I have been in a cave for three months:
What is the thought on telling others about the A? I have told people and he is very upset. He gives me a guilt trip about how sacred our relationship is- yet he cheated, not I.
Also, what is appropriate time away from each other? I don't think going out to bars is appropriate:
I mostly feel nothing is good because of the trust.
Bob said that his comment about freedom was because of a fog, but he has been saying this forever!! He feels that he needs time on his own to be who he is. I feel that he has some intimacy issues because of his relationship with his mom. What time away from the relationship is healthy? - I know now ,none, since we are working on things, but after healing what is appropriate? In his book HARley suggests to me not much time should be spent doing leisure without your spouse. What about things that I don't enjoy, but he find enjoyable- rock climbing or that I enjoy- ballet classes (which I haven't done in years).
My new biggest question: who has been with someone who has had intamacy issues? The OW told him the same thing.
me BW- 29
WH- 29
2kids- 2&5
married 10 years
"Love is the gift of self. It means emptying oneslf to reach out to others. In a certain sense, it means forgettung oneself for the good of others."
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Posts: 261
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Posts: 261 |
hi bOB and who ever else is listening. I thought that you were sure what you were doing. Atleast by the encouragement that you have already given me. The day that I found out about my husband, i found this quote:
Love is the gift of self. At times it means empting oneself to reach out to others.
I am not a pyschologist or anything like that, but this is what hit me. Love is the gift of self- It mean giving your self to the other person the best way that you can. Becoming a better person. Even at time being self-sacrificing. It means giving all of you. When giving a gift you want it to be beautiiful. So you make yourself into a beautiful person and share it with them.
It means emptying oneself to reach out to others. I felt that it means forgetting how you feel to give the person what they need when they need it the most. A give and take relationship regulated by the need the other is feeling.
I carried this idea around with everyone thinking that I was a raving lunatic for my response to our issue.
In Feburary I found MB and feel that this relays the thoughts here.
Love needs to be unselfish -reflecting outward onto how to make the person you love more than anything happy.
So I wrote to my husband: At time you will do it( emptying yourself) to show love to the other person. At times it is something that someone will do for you because they want to show you love. At first it may be one-sided as I will have to put more love because you feel that I don’t love you. This is because I have not put my feelings aside to reach out to you. Eventually you will see that I love you and will want to love back again. This will be without pain because we have trust and understanding that the other loves you. This is where you will find yourself in love.
this is where you feel that your making progress when you find the other person knowing that you are giving the best gift they could ever recieve from someone- LOVE.
I am not there yet. I am still in the stage of confusion.
If i knew what happen with the A and why he did what he did, I could move forward. If knew what was missing, and what i could do to fill the void, then I could begin to work on recovery- but things are stagnant.
I think honestly that my husband is suffering with serious depression and the feeling that he felt with her- temporarily fixed this. He knew that it would not fix things forever and stopped. I know I was not the cause of his depression, but I sure could have made life more enjoyable. Yes, there are things that could be fixed in our marriage. But depression will be there even if things are better with us. He need to vow to fix it- medication, therapy... - he has no commitment to make a change in regards to this. The best I feel I can do is be the source of as much happiness as possible.
Someone on MB wrote the other day, I was self-centered. I hope i don''t come across that way. I have always thought of myself as giving.
me BW- 29
WH- 29
2kids- 2&5
married 10 years
"Love is the gift of self. It means emptying oneslf to reach out to others. In a certain sense, it means forgettung oneself for the good of others."
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