Suggestions on things you did to get your life started again?
SURE.... Take time to thoroughly heal before dating again... It appears that for the last 10-12 years you've constantly been in a relationship. Then with this last one, you married him after dating a relatively short period. So I'd highly recommend being alone (relationship wise) for a while. Find ways to make more female friends and work on healing yourself. You mentioned that you were basically in a 9 year relationship with that one controlling dude. Do you know that most books on personal growth and healing would recommend that you not date for 2 years after that relationship to fully complete the grieving process?
Below is a post I did once on healing and dating.....
I think you’ll find that most professionals recommend waiting/healing 1 year for every 5 years married. I believe that it is widely accepted that one will go through and must go through a natural healing process after the loss of a spouse whether it be due to death or divorce. Add to that the outside circumstances surrounding the loss, whether it be infidelity or abuse or whatever, and there truly can be a lot of external issues to deal with before dealing with all the internal issues surrounding the loss.
Below, I believe you’ll find the standard accepted model of the grieving process:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Steps 4 and 5 are where I’m going to place my emphasis. I believe that completing steps 4 and 5 are instrumental in having a successful relationship. Let’s look at them individually for just a moment:
4. Depression. This is the hopeless phase where anger, betrayal, resentments, and grief dwell. People my focus their grief inward and begin hating themselves, they may drink or do drugs as a means to cope. Or what I find more likely is that they date and engage in casual sex in an attempt to feel “normal” again.
5. Acceptance. This is when healing is completing, you notice that I didn’t say it was complete. In very humble opinion Step 5 is an action step. This is where one let’s go of the anger and bitterness towards others, as well as any towards themselves. This is where we have forgiveness.
My belief is that, at some point, you will have to go through all these steps. Now when you introduce a relationship in during Step 4, which a lot of people do, that displaces some of that anger and resentment. I’ve also believe that left undealt with that it then seeps out slowly and has an impact on how we deal with our partner. And who gets the brunt of our acting out, yes the one we love whether they deserve it or not.
So back to my statement, this is the point at which either a second relationship will fail, be miserable, or a person will make the decision to work through their grieving process towards recovery. It’s why most mental health people, after getting someone out of immediate danger if present, then go back and start looking for “unfinished” business in their lives. What they’ve masked or replaced.
That being said, do I believe that dating early dooms someone for failure, absolutely not. Especially if done with a keen awareness of self, where you are at in the process, a willing partner, and an effort to seek the end on Step 5. But along with that ray of hope there is also a cloud of negativity and that is how capable of choosing a good partner is someone going through depression? It’s an interesting thought and I have seen basic scenario’s:
1. They aren’t capable and latch on to whatever they can get and ride it for whatever it’s worth. Typically coming out at the end worse for the wear and now working through grieving the loss of relationship A and beginning the grieving of relationship B. And heck, they may even end up getting healthy through this relationship then look at who they are dating and say WTF am I doing with this loser.
2. They do have an awareness of self and see qualities in a partner that will not only help them through their process but also be a stellar mate when said process is complete. They are transparently open and honest with their partner and themselves through the early stage of the relationship which in of itself breeds an understanding of each other that is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. They come out in the end as a strong healthy person to find that they have a strong healthy relationship based on openness, willingness, and honesty.
I will say that option 2, as presented above, is what I believe to be not the norm but the exception. I, myself, got stuck on #4 of the grieving process for over 2 years. Once I plowed through it, step #5 came quickly and was welcomed. Had I chose to get involved in a relationship during that 2 year period, I firmly believe that I would either be grieving the loss of another relationship or in an extremely unhealthy relationship.
In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to deal with this, but other than that people would wait till they were done grieving before venturing back out. But that’s not reality and is not often practiced. Several who’ve posted on these boards could expand on the need to finish grieving as well as how clouded ones vision can become in a ‘rebound’ style relationship.
I think that's wonderful if someone is able to apply it and follow it while working through the process towards healing. My biggest problem with all the scenario's is first the ability of someone to be honest with themselves while in a relationship getting their needs met; second, the focus to heal while dancing horizontally between the sheets; and third "LIFE". Life happens especially if you have kids and before you know it you turn around and it's been 4 years and you are still stuck on stupid.
IMVHO healing or shall we say recovery is a choice. Yes, I believe that nature is going to guide us through it but we can either choose to actively heal by dealing with all the issues at hand, passively heal by allowing nature to run it course interrupting it at various times with our whims, or quite frankly we can choose not to heal (I think my X MIL chose not to heal).
But here's the thing, did you take a class in "healing" in High School? or College? More than likely not. Something so common and useful to the masses and yet many of us don't know how to approach it. There's no great mystery in how to accomplish it, yet, I for one had no idea how to do it.
I, personally, view the old saying of "time heals all wounds" as total BS. I think people can actively choose to go through the process, get the work done and receive the rewards. There are 10 and 12 step programs out there widely available for this or that addiction and/or death but I haven't seen one for divorce, especially for the BS.
So will you choose to heal before venturing out again....?
