I was adviced by cinderella to divert my post into this part of the forum to get more attention, so here we go:

Hi fellow sufferers! I'm new here and if you asked me two weeks ago, I would never have guessed
I'd ever turned my interest towards a site like this.
Too bad and now maybe it's all too late! Anyway, here's my story:

We have been married for 13 years and have two lovely kids (1 of twelve and 1 of 7 yrs). I'm 45 and my wife is 37. Up until now I thought everything was peaches 'n cream.
We have had a good time together, share common values and as far as I could see, had a pretty damn good relationship.
Like all others, we have had our ups and downs, but if I was to call it, I'd say we had have a great marriage in total. We decided some time ago ( over a year) to have a third child and finally in January we found out that we were pregnant.
However, during this process, I was away working quite a bit. In total I have been away from home 6 of 12 weeks this winter and we never really had a proper sit-down
to share our thoughts about this third child. We were both a bit shaky, I guess, about the great news, but decided to go for it. So, when I get back home after my last stretch
of work (4 weeks) I have this feeling that something fishy is going on. After two days I ask my wife right out and she tells me that she's not sure weather she loves me or not, weather we have a future together and so forth. She says she missed me a lot the first 2 weeks of my last stretch, but she somehow lost connection and I faded away. The thing is that comms was not reliable where I was working, so we had sparse moments of telephone contact.
So... Then I ask her if there is another man in there somewhere, not really expecting it to be so,
but... Well there was! I was shocked! This was a colleague
of hers that she always have had a good professional
relationship with and whos company she has always liked.
The thing is that I know the guy. He is married and has a 3yr-old and we have been socializing and having dinners together with them. He knows me and our kids!
This creep has now, knowing that my wife is 4 mths pregnant,
made a pass on her and came out and said that he has always
loved her and wants to be together with her. He says he
is going to leave his family regardless.
The thing is that my wife is responding!! She gets "confused", she says.
Anyway: I crack at this news and cave in totally. I'm so shocked!
The prospect of what could be in the process of happening here throws me into panic. We have this conversation over 10 minutes and then she's off to work!

I start pulling all vines and handles I can reach. When she
comes home that evening, I have arranged so that the kids
are out of the house so we can have a proper talk.
She starts this by giving me a 15 minutes rundown of how unhappy I have made her feel over the years. I just sit and take it all in. We are different in the way that I'm more of an bohemian/artist-type and she is more of an control/planning/order-character. Over the years my attitude to some things have really gotten up her nose and when she has tried to convey this to me, I have just brushed it aside, smirked and neglected her needs, not recognizing their importance. I have been neglecting her, not showing affection, not being physical other than with sex in mind and so forth.
I realize that I have probably been a real a-hole!
The worse part is that she has been feeling guilty and inferior over having these feelings,
so she has not put her message through.
I fully recognize the validity of her feelings in regards
to our relationship. Anyway, easter is coming up and I'm
now in a very dark place emotionally.
I pace around our home avoiding her. She avoids talking to me.
I arrange for counselling, she is reluctant to go, I gets dissapointed. The weekend is approaching and I don't know how to cope. I pack a suitcase and tells her that I have to get out of the house. During this, she developes a TOOTH ACE big time. She is in agony, and I realize I can't leave. I pull her through, supporting her, ease the pain by massage and helps her get to a dentist on Good Friday.
This ordeal brings us together and we have a great weekend
just like in the old days. Laughs and fun. A small family hike in the woods, dinner and eventually some sex.
Not make-up or mercy-sex, but moments of pure intimacy and joy. For the first time we ENJOY her pregnancy together and
share thoughts about becoming parents again.
Next week comes, and I'm back on square one again...
She needs space, she avoids to discuss the situation, she is promising to go to counselling, but fails to make a commitment or come up with a suitable time.
I tell her, in a rare moment we get to talk a bit, that I don't want our previous relationship back.
I want an improved marriage and that I'm willing to commit myself to that goal. If that fails,
I want as smooth separation as possible, for the sake of the kids, but we need help in sorting that out.
I tell her that I will see her through this time
of trouble if she wants me to, but I'll leave at her request. She responds by sobbing and throwing herself
in my arms, but otherwise not much is said.
She is tired from her pregnancy and needs to go to bed at 10, so there is not much time for us to talk. I think she is using this methode to avoid the confrontation that is lurking in the back.

She is now off on a buisness trip with a bunch of colleagues
and this bloke is going to be there too.
He, by now, has left his wife. I pass off the odd warm but emotionally unthreatening text mss
on her cell and she respons, but sort of distantly.
I realize that I'm invading the "space" she is seeking,
but I'm afraid to not remind her of me and the kids. She is returning tomorrow and I'm dreading it.
I bought some roses and put on the table, cleaned the house
and made a big promise to myself that I was going to
be cool and not put up a sad face when she comes back.
Well, this has been a long story and I guess my question
to all of you is how am I going about this? Am I doing well here? What shall I avoid doing? I realize that beeing "needy" or pushy will only widen the crack,
so I do my best to be warm and strong, but with
a clear agenda as of what I want our relationship to be.
Do you think I have a shot? The mere thought of her (possibly) having sex with this guy while pregnant with our child sickens me to the heart.
I have not talked much about him at all, and about this absolutely not, but it lingers in my mind...
What kind of man would even consider something like that?
Well, waddaya say?
Love on you!

Welcome. Weekends are a bit slow, but by Monday it gets really busy. You will get great help here.

Read the infidelity articles on the website, if you haven't already. You will learn a lot.

Good job on implementing Plan A stuff. Expect her to be back and forth, and she may at times seem like she's never coming back. All that is normal.

My #1 recommendation would be to immediately tell the OM's wife what is going on. She needs to be able to protect herself, and has the potential to be a good ally for you.

My #2 recommendation would be to protect yourself, physically and financially. Since she is PG and doesn't have to worry about getting PG again, she may be even more likely to have had unprotected sex. Don't take the chance.

Other than that, keep up the good stuff you're doing. Her being conflicted is actually good. If she still can show caring and affection for you it can make your work a bit easier in all this.

Be patient. Getting through an affair is a process. Even a short one seems like forever. Don't be discouraged if it gets worse before it gets better. You have a lot going for you, and the odds are in your favor. Time is your best friend, since 97% of affairs fail.

You can do this, it will just take time.

I just wanted to add to this statement that if she doesn't show you care and affection, don't let it discourage you. She might resent you because she has to face the hurt she has created within you. It doesn't quite make sense, but it seems to happen.

@ any_man
Yep, you got that right! But I figured it ut soon enough. That was my major incentive to leave home, because the first couple of days I was feeling so rotten and relaying so much pain that I could sense some resentment there. She was fleeing to her office in order to "have some time away from the situation and deal with practical things". This also pegged things up for the ++cker who moved in on her, because he would there be able to, by just be his own merry self, provide her with good times, comfortable company and a happy face. It is HARD however to maintain the image I currently am and convey positive emotions and feelings, while my inner self is in total tourment and agony. I have to really focus not to let my inside tear up totally and fire away those big questions within me that are seeking an immediate answer. She yet hasn't said that she doesn't love me, just that she is in doubt and she has also said that she is unsure as of what this guy really means to her. I know for sure what I'd like to do to him, but burying a baseball bat in his skull will of course get me nowhere (besides jail) and those emotions only makes it harder for me to MAINTAIN cruise speed... I have checked her cell for outgoing calls. Lately she has prudently cleared the call list (very suspicious), but she forgot it once before Easter and there was this her reply to a mss he sent that was erased: "I don't know, we have to deal with one day at the time. I'm thinking a lot about the baby right now" I don't know what to make of this, the usage of "we" disturbs me and there was som outgoing and incoming traffic after that last mss. Anyway, the Easter carried some progress I guess... I'm leaving work now and I'm heading home. She came home some 6 h ago after her business trip, so either I find out or I don't. I am SO SCARED of what might be awaiting me. We have spoken on the phone, I've sounded warm, welcoming and affectionate without beeing needy or shooting off a bunch of questions...

The only thing I can think of as you head home, is to remember what delima she might be facing. Instead of being scared of what might be awaiting you, think about why you married her in the first place. Probably because she is a fundamentally caring person. Keep those thoughts and try to be understanding that she is dealing with conflict that she shouldn't really be dealing with.

And don't focus too much on the other guy. It's not a race or competition. She is married to YOU. And definitely tell OM's wife (I wish I had such a privilege).

See if you can't somehow be your wife's ally right now. Even though you sit on one side of her own conflict, you want to be her ally for her own benefit.

I hope the best for you.

How much have you read here on Plan A? The first thing you need to do is expose this A and the best target I see is their work place. Make sure you are seen as the sympathetic father trying to protect his family and unborn child, not the vindictive H who is scorned. Can you talk to your WW's doctor? He needs to know what is going on, her actions directly affect the health of your child.

Then work on your Plan A. I too am 4 months pregnant and my H did the sexist thing yesterday while I was laying on the couch sick and exhausted...He cleaned the house! You have lots of opportunities to show her what she could be missing. Take the kids out, clean the house, rub her back, go with her to the doctors appointment.

Keep reading here and you will get through this.

You have gotten some very good advice above. There is a very informative thread on Just Found Out called the Carrot nd the stick of plan A. Read all of it including the threads linked to that thread.

Part of plan A is exposure. You must expose to their supervisors. The affair must be stopped and they must have no contact at all- even at work for life. That means someone has to leave the job. Hopefully, HR will act on it when you tell them of the affair.

As Neak said you must also expose to his wife, even if they are separated. DO NOT tell your wife you are going to espose- just do it. Other exposure targets are her parents, siblings, etc.

It sounds like you are doing a good job of making your marriage look appealing.

Dr. Harley said on his radio show that when a man is in plan A it is like a competition. So, maybe going at it that way is a good thing.

Read, read, read and put a great Plan A into action.

***We decided some time ago ( over a year) to have a third child and finally in January we found out that we were pregnant.
However, during this process, I was away working quite a bit. In total I have been away from home 6 of 12 weeks this winter***

Ragulin - welcome to MB. I am sorry to be the one to point out the elephant in the room, but there is a huge question here that will have to be addressed at some point. What are your thoughts and feelings on this?
Mulan

That was my first thought, too. It is pretty unusual for a pregnant woman to start an affair, and you also have to wonder why the guy started hitting on her after she became pregnant, but not before.

I had similar suspicions after reading his post.

Is it possible, Rag, that you are not the one that impregnated your wife? Are you certain of the time line of this A? Many of us weren't sure exactly when our spouse's A's started or when they became PA's.

Ragulin,

How is it going?

Thanks for the supportive words and kind advice. There has also been som very valid questions posted here, and I'll give you a brief summary over what happened the last couple of days. I'm not on the net regulary, so please forgive me if it takes a while between postings:

I got home after an exhausting nights work and she came in a some moments later. I hear the phone ring from down stairs and when I get down, she has already picked up. She is pale as she tells me it was this other man's wife that just called, asking for me... I then expected the worst and asked my wife what reasons she could have for calling me... Has the OM confessed to her about a recent positive development in his affair? "Not all all," says my wife. "I have no idea."
Well, a minute later her cell goes off and it's OM. She leaves the house to go out in the garden and talk to him and again the phone rings. It's the OMW! We talk briefly and I am now at this stage in an emotional uproar. The OMW tells me that my wife called their home and the OM has said she did so because it was an agreement between them that she would do that to let him now I wasn't beating her or anything... By hearing this I wilt. I have NEVER stricken my wife or kids and haven't even been involved in a fistfight since high school. Why would she say something like that? I'm SO intimidated! After finishing the call, I confront the W with what I just heard and she denies it totally. She claims the reasons she called was because she was a bit spooked by the fact that some of her collegaues has started to notice the unusual attention this OM payed her, and that she wanted him to back off. Anyway, I'm now SO not behaving the way I planned to do. I ask questions, I feel eerie and it shows and I am aggressive towards OM. She seems sympathetic, so I calm down and we go on with the day. (remember, I still haven't slept, but I'm on such an adrenalin rush by now I don't NEED to sleep)

As the day continues, the OMW calls me a couple of times and briefs me on the situation from her perspective. She seems strong enough... At least she knows what she is dealing with and she is moving out in a while. I tell my W that this is not the way I wanted her homecoming to be, but she's sympathetic and we're doing alright. The OM texts me and says he wants to meet to talk, but I return just a "For what reason?". I really couldn't face the guy and stay in control. The mere thought of him sends me frothing. We actually have a bit of a good time and share a few laughs about the absurdety of this current situation. Feels good.

Eventually I don't feel so good anymore. I hear a textmss coming in on her phone while she's in the basement and I scan the mss. It's the OM wondering if he can call! I get upset by the fact that she and him have an ongoing communication passing secret mssgs between them while I paddle around trying to be Mr Pleasant. I start to pack a bag and get ready to evacuate the house, secretly wanting her to plea me not to, but quite willing to go if not so. She claims not to be communicating with him or encouraging him to do so. So I figure it's him seeking her attention and wanting to bring her into a conspiracy like atmosphere sort of.
I decide to leave the house and call the OM to ask him not to call or text my W while she's at home. He is very collected during this conversation, while I'm more emotionally upset (angry). He goes on with an request for a meeting, but I can't see we have anything to talk about.
OM: -I'm in love with your wife. Don't you think we have something to talk about. Why are you so arrogant?
Me -What do you mean arrogant?
OM: -If you don't know what it means, look it up in a dictionary.
Me: -Look, I'm only going to tell you this once: Please don't call or text my wife while she is home with her family and kids!
OM: -Are you theatening me? Do you think I'm afraid of you? Your're pathetic!
Me: -I'm not threatening you, I'm only telling you like it is! You WILL NOT call or text my wife while at home with her family and children. I will not stand for you invading my home!
OM: -I'm really sorry that this has happened, but I cannot help myself. I've always liked you, but I'm in love with your wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Me: -You DISGUST me. You come on to a married pregnant woman, my wife. You know me and her children. You have been to our house, sitting at out table as a friend... What kind of person are you?
After a few more exchanges of harsh words I get him to comply to not calling or texting my W as requested.

Man, did he PLAY me at this conversation! He was in CONTROL and COLLECTED and got me right where he wanted me. He provoked me big time! I felt so bad after this and just sat there totally exhausted and angry at myself... Expecting the worse, I give my W a summary of this conversation assuming she'll hear about it tomorrow anyway, that I'd been threatening and so forth. However, she responds very sympathetic towards me and get's upset at OM for doing what he is doing. She then goes into telling me what has really happened between them and this is total news to me:
He made a pass on her a moth ago. She was a bit taken back, but since she liked him and they know eachother well, she got flattered by the attention and his courting. She became unsure of her feelings for him and me and then she entered crises mode. Their relationship has been totally non-physical. An occational hug, but no more. She is not attracted to him in this meaning. He has been courting and she says she has clearly stated to him that she will not leave her family and have asked him to back off, but in the same time sort of encouraged him to continue, seeking his company, responding to his courtship. I say I'm very lightened to hear this but my commitment to improve our relationship still stands. I do not want us to just patch this over and go on. I want a reborn marriage!
Since that day, two days ago, things are looking a bit brighter. Off and on I slip back into the agony pit, wondering what is going on right now and so forth. I have toyed with the idea of replacing his number with mine in her cell and send a affectionate mss just to see how she'd response, but I canned that one, luckily.

This is not a battle over possesions and I don't look upon my W as my belonging or what not. I truly and genuinely love her and I don't want us to break up. She is the best that has ever happened to me and I know we got the stuff to make eachother happy for the rest of our lives. If she leaves, I'd go on, but we'd both really miss something good. I am commited to some radical changes from within myself in the ways I communicates with her and others, how i participate in common activities and how I show my affection towards her. I want to honor her importance by truly seeing her and the beautyful person she is.

I don't find any reasons to belive that the child my W is carrying is not mine. I'm sorry that I was not there to support her when she started straying, but we both liked the bit of extra cash and if I knew this would be the outcome I probably wouldn't have gone. That, however, would have deprived me of this oppertunity to better myself and make my wife as happy as she deserves to be. I wouldn't want to miss that for the world regardless of how miserable I feel during this process.

Just remember..... the OM is a 'little man'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

What a visual that must bring. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

He may be little, but he has to be dealt with. Like a VD!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Rag . . . I think you are in a fog of your own. Your WW is telling you just want to hear. She is playing you and so is OM.

There do not seem to be any boundaries in your relationship. You let your wife's boyfriend bully you over the phone this way?? You MUST lay down what you will and will not be a part of in your own home.

Have you read "Good Father's" thread? I strongly suggest that you do. His wife was playing him, too, and he walked around in denial and believing whatever she said until he started digging a little deeper.

You have got to find out for sure what's going on in your own marriage. And I will tell this to you straight: Get a DNA test the moment the new baby arrives.

If you are in Plan A - and if you want to save your marriage, that is where you should be, at this point - you may find the following to be helpful. Dude, these people are running roughshod over you.


"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know if it is fog on your behalf. I did wonder though if maybe it was possible this was his child, and maybe you were in some sort of fog of your own.

I'll tell you something though. My wife had both me and the MC fooled for a while. There was one time shortly after I thought there was NC, that she indicated to me that she really had a strong urge to call the OM. I knew it wasn't right, but I tried to be understanding and suggested she contact the counselor instead. She spent an hour on the phone with the counselor, in a differnet room to talk, then went to the grocery store half an hour later and called OM from their phone. I didn't suspect it. She admitted that some time later, and I'm not sure why... maybe to discount the MC. Anyway I realized how easy it is to fool everyone around.

So, it is possible you might be getting the wool pulled over your eyes. I don't know that though, so I don't want to make any assertions. But it is something to consider.

You have more insight into your situation than any of us though. So I'm going to trust your judgement that the child is yours, but ask that you keep an open mind to the pssibility that it isn't.

That being the case, you really have to focus on your wife. Learn about her, understand her, and be her ally. You do not want to be the enemy, it gives her and the OM too much to work against, together. There is something called a common target which brings people closer. You don't want to be the common target for the two of them. Be her ally and let her choose you because it is the right thing for her.

Some might see this as too passive an approach. But I'm not suggesting you be a doormat. Stand your ground whenever it is time, but make sure your wife knows you've got her best interest in mind when you're doing it. Don't set yourself up to be the enemy.

Ultimately, you both want to be comfortable with the idea that your wife CHOSE YOU. Not that you defeated OM.

@ Mulan
I may be a fool, but I sincerely do not believe that she's pregnant with this guy. Nothing she or the OMW has told me so far indicates anything in that direction. I have been given specific dates and descriptions of how this affair has been developing and there is nothing that leads me to believe that they have gone ahead and "porked". My wife has even clearly stated that there is no physical attraction from her end to this guy. There has been maybe one or two hugs between them and thats it. He provides with filling in a lot of her EN that I have been missing out on and I think that's basically what this is all about. BUT, there is really only one way to be absolutely **cking sure and that is by doing a DNA-test and maybe I'd go ahead and just do that to get total peace of mind. I guess she'd be pretty upset by me suggesting it, but I'd have to deal with that then and there if the issue still stands. It's pretty hard to convey stuff in our communications, how she sais things, how she looks when saying them and so forth, but I want to stress out that I really believe her in what she's saying. But then again, I wouldn't be the first fool in the world if she's lying.

So I'm trying real hard to do all those things that you, any_man, points out. I'm trying real hard to be her ally, show support, show my affection and determination and provide all those things I didn't before. What is bugging me is that I do not know fur sure what she and the OM does while at work. I have no idea what their relationship has turned into over these last couple of days. Is the conspiracy still on? I spoke with OMW today and she says that he now, to her, has talked about undoing what has been done and make everything ok again, which she is totally unwilling to do. She is BOLTING big time and that door is now sealed. This leads me to believe that my W and OM's relation is about to become dismantled, but I do not really know. Maybe I shall know lay down some rules here? Some sort of ultimatum? How come her call list and the text mss are still razed out everyday? Shall I confront her with that, because that is sort of indicating that affectionate mss are still exchanged, isn't it? So shall I demand that all contact between them cease even if there is no way I can follow that up? Will that put a rift in our fragile communication? I have to tell you, and I know that this sounds really weird, but somehow I sense that we haven't been so GOOD and CLOSE with eachother for years. It's like we are talking and interacting in a way we used to do, but has since forgotten or neglected. Why is that? Plz explain!