hi everyone, real nice forum here.

I did a search and found some of the doctor's letters regarding addiction, although the focus was on alcoholism, in essence, it is the same thing to deal w/ either.

He says it's a dealbuster, since they can't even follow the 'agreement'. I do agree.

My situation, summed up as best as humanly possible, is I am married almost 8 years to a drug addict. I believe a real honest estimate of his 'clean time' for those 8 years would be 11-12 months collectively. His drug is methamphetamine. He's 36 years old and has been on it since 17. Tried it a 12 for the 1st time.

WHen we met/married, I was (obviously) pretty ignorant to drugs. I knew of meth, or speed, he told me he 'used to do it'. I didn't learn of the truth and history until shortly after we married.

Thru the years his use escalated; went from snorting, to smoking, then now to the needle for the past almost 4 years.

He is currently in a 28 day rehab. He entered after I kicked him out.

This will be his 3rd rehab in 4 years.

We separated early last year, as he was so drugged up I was nervous (hallucinating I had men in the bedroom and everything else) , so I got a lawyer, got him legally removed from my home and supervised visits w/our 2 children, now 3.5 and almost 2yrs old.

He was clean them for almost 6 months. I know this due to drug testing imposed by the court, his actions seemed to improve, and he was in NA.

So we started counseling and attempted reconcile. He moved back in. 2 weeks later was his 1st 'relapse'. Presumably a 1 time thing, I still don't know that I believe that.

Anyhow from about oct 05 to 3 weeks ago, things got progressively worse; ie.. get a job and lost it, lying, stealing $$, etc.

I finally said f this all and gave him a week to get out (the orders thru the court still standing, mind you)

on the day before the day to get out, he calls me at work, says he called a rehab and they have a bed, but not until wednesday. I said that is great, but tuesday is the day to go. That of course made me an evil witch.

He did go to rehab and is still there. He calls here every night on the premise of talking to the kids and I answer and let him. We don't say much.

He is pissed that I won't bring the kids to see him there. I tell him he can see them when he gets out. He says I am 'punishing him and the kids'. I told him my decision has nothing to do w/him, which is true. I don't want my kids in that environment, they don't need that confusion. They have not asked me where he is. 1 time on Easter when he called, my mom in law gave my son the phone and he said 'is daddy home'. she said no, and he took the phone said hi daddy , bye daddy, hung up, all was fine.

I guess my questions for you guys would be if any of you have been/are in this type of relationship, and if so, how did you/do you do it, or did you have to forfeit the relationship for your sanity, too?

I have had a most peaceful 2.5 weeks since he has been gone. my household runs calmer, the kids are fine (other than the fact that they are 3.5 and almost 2, and sharing is not in their vocab LOL)

I feel that the addiction has all but destroyed any marital feelings I have for this man. I feel live I've been his damn mother for the past 8+ years. The last time, It took all I had to attempt reconcile, I know the odds of drug addiction, it isn't good. But he threw the marital vows in my face, kept telling me our kids would be ****** up, and of course, kept telling me how sorry and how much he loved me. So when I made the decsision to try again, it was huge. I feel it backfired in my face, and I am to blame for putting myself back here.

I received two things in the mail yesterday. 1 was a letter from my attorney w/a date for a 'conference hearing'. I called her back in February, told her he was on it again, and to pick up where we left off.

The other was a collection agency for some ticket or something. Says he owes the superior court over 1,000 for not appearing or paying for something. I have no clue what it is, but I guess I'll tell him about it when he calls, since it says he has 10 days to pay.

Oh, this post is huge, especially from a newbie! I would appreciate any feedback/viewpoints.

sweetAJ, Welcome, but sorry you're here... My H is an addict/alcoholic. We were together about 18 years. I wouldn't marry him until he'd been sober for 2 years, after about six years drinking and using drugs, because I thought that would give me some kind of guarantee of long-term sobriety. Back then it was more heroin and now, from what I hear, it's' more speed. He's also a needle user like your H, though I never saw him with a needle or with any hard drugs. I finally left him for good, I thought. He got sober, had to go to a 1/2 way house and then a sober living house for about 6 months because he had no where to live and I wouldn't take him back. This helped a lot. We finally did get back together, got married, and he actually did stay sober for some years.

I realized after about 9 years that he was using again. I couldn't believe after all we'd been through that he'd go back, but he claimed that this time he'd learned to drink socially and was only smoking pot (neither true, of course, though I do think he really wanted to believe that, as did I, at the time). He left me for a much younger woman employee who likes to party a lot (she was adopted and her birth mother's a heroin addict, according to my H, but I don't know if OW is an addict or not). Soon we were right back where we'd been before, only with a family, a business, and a lot more to lose. He had the OW, so he blamed everything on me. Eventually, I also had to get a restraining order and it's taken years to untangle from him. My divorce should be completed soon.

There may be some people who managed to recover their marriages with substance abusers. You're likely to find more of them on the General Questions board than here where most everyone is going through divorce - it's much busier there, too, so you'd probably get more responses.

What helped me the most to deal with the addiction was Al-Anon. Have you ever tried Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (I haven't ever found a Nar-Anon meeting where I live)? I'd highly recommend Al-Anon for you - not only to help yourself, but also so you can better help your children. Al-Anon will really help you to handle your H's guilt trips. Please try at least 6 meetings, even if you don't think you need it or don't get anything out of the 1st meeting. I can't say enough about how beneficial Al-Anon has been in my life or how sorry I am that I stopped going when my H got sober and I didn't think I needed it anymore...

Hi there! I've been lurking for a long time now, and after reading your post, I registered to respond. Your post broke my heart, because it could have been written by me (and probably lots of other wives). I have been divorced now for almost 2 years, and the #1 reason for the downfall of my marriage and my throwing in the towel and giving up was drug/alcohol/porn/gambling addictions and everything else that goes along with it - the lying, the stealing, and the general emotional abuse. I was married just short of 12 years, and I dealt with these issues for close to 10 of those years.

I do believe that addiction is a "dealbuster" because, in most circumstances, the addict is a narcissist (spelling?) and the only words in the addicts vocabulary is "everyone else is to blame for my problems, NOT me). And believe me, after years of trying soooo hard to be supportive (I took that "for better or for worse" stuff seriously), and years of bailing him out of jail, working hard to replace the money he stole from me, blah, blah, there just comes a time when you become literally "dead" inside.....and from my experience, once you emotionally check out of the marriage under these circumstances, it would be next to impossible to check back in. Now others might disagree with me, but again, I speak only from my experience. When I finally had my epiphany and said "I'm leaving" - no amount of "I'm sorry" or "I'll get help this time" or "I promise I'll change" could change my mind. I felt I deserved to live the rest of my life without the constant stress, anxiety, heartache and misery that I was experiencing in my marriage.

We are divorced and you know what? My ex is still an addict - but now he has no one to answer to. He's free to abuse himself as much as he wants - how sad. Addiction is a powerful thing - it takes a strong person to overcome it, and no amount of "tough love" or marital love is going to help "change" the addict - he or she HAS to want to do it for themselves. Unfortunately, until the addict truly makes that decision, the spouses and children, etc. suffer greatly - sometimes to the point that reconcilation is impossible.

Good luck sweetie, stay strong for you and your children and don't feel alone - there are lots of us out here that know exactly what you are going through!

One of my favorite quotes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is:

The alcholic is like a tornado roaring through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. p. 82

Welcome to the forum,

I also have an H that I found out to be a user after marriage. I had just had my daughter. He started not coming home and sleeping all the time. At first, I thought he must be having an affair. I was completely ignorant of the signs of drug abuse. I was completely floored when I found out. He had always said that he would never touch that kind of stuff. It was all a lie!!!!!!Everything has been one lie after another. Finally all my questions over the years became clear. The hours missing, the money that seemed to vanish, and the conflicting stories he would tell. LIes, lies, lies......

I believe that's what hurts the most. Feeling like the last 10 years of my life have been a lie.

I have been on this forum for awhile. At first I thought I was just dealing with a crappy H, now I know I am dealing with an addict. You can apply all the principles here that you want but it doesn't work when you are dealing with an addict.

My only reason for staying with this man is my children. I am so scared of how a divorce will impact my son. I am also scared of the whole custody issue. I could never trust him with any unsupervised visitation. I have horrible images of my children being left unattended or being around his scum bag friends. I could never forgive myself if something happened to one of them.

For others dealing with or have dealt with this:
How have some of you dealt with this issue? Have the courts ruled in your favor on supervised visitation? Has it been difficult to prove?

I know I haven't given any great advice. I just wanted you to know that there are others here going through similar circumstances. I know the hurt and the emotional toll this kind of marriage takes on a person. I feel that eventually this kind of marriage ends in divorce. It is just a matter of time. I know my time is growing near. Stay strong for your kids. Keep posting. It helps to get it all out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As far as the courts are concerned, I live in a no fault state and don't have kids so his addiction isn't an issue.

As for me personally? ...Al-Anon. I highly recommend it.

I can truly commiserate with all who live or have lived with this type of situation because my hubby is an addict. My story is looooong and sordid so I'll sum it up with as few details as possible.

We've been married nearly thirty years and I've had to deal with the awful repercussions of his drug use for at least half of that time. He's been in prison, been in rehabilitation twice and been court ordered to go to either NA or AA meetings, been arrested for DWI, and been with other women. And, for me, its BEEN ******. Yet, I hung in there....hoping....and praying....to no avail.

He just left, willingly, again, for the upteenth time to be with his true love...COCAINE. And...the woman whom he has had a long term affair with because he "loves" her despite the toxicity of her own drug abuse. I, on the other hand, have boundaries that I will not and cannot let him cross. He doesn't like me because of my boundaries. So he fled to a place that is more accommodating to his needs....COCAINE.

Not only is he a drug addict (functioning one at the moment) but he also suffers from Narcisstic Personality Disorder as well as having bi-polar tendencies. He only sought help for the first problem because the Court told him to. Otherwise, he's in a different dimension.

I hung on for many, many years hoping that "he'd get it." It never happened and now he's on the loose again. I know what fate awaits him...and so does he. He's hit rock bottom so many times that he's accustomed to the level. I await a phone call any day informing me that he's gone-dead or gone-incarcerated.

Despite the calm within our home without him, I still love him...but from a distance.

GeezLouise (I love your name!), Sorry to hear your latest. Having lived a similar life, but for less years, I know you could write a book.

My divorce was final yesterday. XH didn't show up so his lawyer got a continuance on the property settlement. She told me after the hearing that the last time she saw XH, she told herself, "This is what death looks like." He left me for a young woman who was also a drug abuser. According to his lawyer, she left him and stole all his money.

I loved him, too, but I learned to love myself more...

Ladies - all of your stories are bringing me to tears, because I can just feel the sadness in the words that you post - and I cry because I have felt all of the emotions you have all felt while being married to an addict. I too hung in there for years, hoping to "save" my husband from his demons, almost at the expense of my own sanity - because every bit of my energy was spent either picking him up and rescuing him from whatever, or working my a** off trying to keep a roof over our heads, while he stole blank checks from me, cashed them, and spent the mortgage money on either football bets or drugs or hookers, or....???? Near the end of our marriage, when I finally realized that I could not spend my life with this toxic man, I just could not believe that he was willing to lose a house, a wife who really did care about him, friends and family and a job instead of admitting that he had a problem and getting help for it....It still baffles me to this day. I haven't seen my ex in almost a year now - but the last time I did see him, he looked like an 80 year old man, had teeth missing, his skin was an awful yellow color, and he just looked so frail and unhealthy. Unfortunately, the years of constant turmoil of our marriage has made me resent him too much to even say that I have any love for him - the love was replaced by anger and resentment years ago. What I feel now (and will probably for years and years to come) is an incredible sense of sadness for him (and me), knowing that his life is on a dead-end course, and there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. Along with that sadness is an overwhelming sense of guilt - as when his life does eventually come crashing down on him (and it will if he continues like he has) I will feel that the one person in the world who promised to care for him "through sickness and health, richer, poorer, till death, etc." left him alone with his demons, and the guilt that I will bear with the "what ELSE should I/could I have done?"....Sad.......

((((Truly))))
There is nothing more you could have done. Not one thing. They have to want to save themselves. Addiction is so powerful that the odds of recovery are minimal.

Your story gives people like me hope for a better life. Hope for an escape from this rollercoaster ride. I hate all the drama H causes. I just want peace. Thank you for sharing your story.

(((ammc2))) right back to you....thanks for the kind words - and I'm really happy that I can help anyone that is in this situation. If there is just one bright spot that I can tell you about, it's this - that there is a wonderful life to be had after divorce from an addict. Believe me, it wasn't easy for me to get here. It took me almost 7 years to finally give up, but once I did, words cannot explain the overwhelming sense of calm and peace that I feel now. My addict ex-husband will always be a part of my life - both the good and the bad - because he's a part of my history, but I can honestly say that I've moved on. I don't think that a week will go by that I won't have a thought pop into my head like "I wonder if he's ok" or "I hope he's happy", but I've come to terms with that. After all, I did love him at one time and I really do hope and wish that he does get help, that he does find happiness. I really don't wish bad things upon him, I just couldn't go down on the sinking ship with him. I have faith that you too will find that same peace.

((((truly)))) I have a similar story, as I'm sure we all do. As for the guilt thing, I still feel it to a certain extent, but I now recognize it as part of the unhealthy dependence that develops in an alcoholic relationship. Just like the alcoholic's urge to drink, I recognize it as part of my "addiction". I still go to Al-Anon. The principles of the program still help me to avoid my old behavior patterns, even without any alcoholics in my life.

I wanted to respond to you because I have a good number of friends that have either been on meth, or who use it now...and I can tell you one thing, it is one of the worst drugs to have a problem with. Especially if he has crossed the line and started slamming the stuff. There is honestly not a whole lot of hope I can offer you, especially if he seems to be returning to his former behavior patterns...

It has been my experience that once a person slams it, they change. They become like a true alcoholic in a sense - they will always be an addict henceforth, albeit a sober one if they so choose. One of my best friends has not used in over three years, but she still thinks about it, and craves it regularly. She is a very strong willed Italian girl, so she subjugated her cravings and broke free. I don't know your H, but it seems like he may not be that strong.

Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but Tina is a b!tch.


TM

TM, This struck me funny! I'm not up on the street names for meth, but Tina is the name of XH's MOW whose drug of choice was... you guessed it! In past, XH was a alcoholic/heroin addict who occasionally slammed speed balls - I didn't know all this until he went through treatment and got clean and sober, for a while. When he lost his sobriety and hooked up with MOW, not necessarily in that order (don't know), he started using speed with her.

So, for me, that statement is true on many levels!

How very apropos...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TM

My goodness - Good morning everyone! This morning, I had an epiphany unlike no other - divorced over 2 years, but still hanging on to the anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, as remnants of a marriage to an addict. For YEARS (I never attended Al-Anon, etc.) I struggled with the problem of not understanding the addict's mind. I'm currently reading the book "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey (the book that got slammed on Oprah) and found a passage that could have been written by me - something I've been saying for years (whether right or wrong). The passage is on Page 291, where the author (the addict) is struggling himself with the idea that addiction is a disease (which is something I still struggle with). He writes: "Addiction is a decision. .....Am I going to be a pathetic dumbshit addict and continue to waste my life or am I going to say no and try to stay sover and be a decent Person. It is a decision. Each and every time. A decision. String enough of those decisions together and you set a source and you set a standard of living. Genetics do not make that call. They are just an excuse. They allow people to say it wasn't my fault. .....There is always a decision. Take responsibility for it....". It goes on and on, but basically the passage is what I have been saying for years, and never understanding why my addict ex-husband would choose that course of life. Like I said, I don't know if my way of thinking is right or wrong, but it just is. Maybe I could benefit from Al-Anon, because I really need to let go....Thanks for listening.

TrulyHappytoBe, I related to your post here and on the Dating and Relationships forum as well (since we're in a similar financial situation).

I highly recommend Al-Anon. It helps so much with acceptance, forgiveness, letting go of resentment, having compassion for the alcoholic - not for his sake, for yours!

LetsTry - I feel like I've known you forever - our stories are so very similar - like we are long lost friends....

You are right, I probably should attend Al-Anon - because it's painfully obvious that even after 2 years of divorce, I am still not successful in letting go of all of the negative emotions regarding my ex the addict, and I really am getting tired of carrying around all of this exhausting baggage....Thanks for the advice, I'm going to do some research! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There is nothing more difficult than witnessing your addicted loved one on the path of destruction. After a while, you know how the story will end...it's rarely good. The glimmer of hope that you have in your heart becomes dimmer after each incident.

I grieve for my hubby's impending doom or death as a result of his disease. I still love him, despite his warts. He was my husband and, at one time, my best friend. But I cannot carry the burden of his problems and poor decisions.

I suggest Alanon and Naranon to everyone who has a relationship with an addicted person.

Geez, GeezLouise, that says it all!

Truly, Yup, a lot of similarities! Back to your comments about addiction as a disease... Although it's different than diseases like cancer, diabetes, or heart disease, there are choices we make that affect the course of all diseases. We all knowingly do things that are bad for our health but seem incredibly difficult to change.

My XMIL smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day but never got lung cancer, though she was tested for it several times because she had moderate emphysema and uncontrolled weight loss. She died last fall of Alzheimer's. If she'd had a family history, a genetic propensity for lung cancer, she would've had lung cancer for sure. A co-worker's dad and uncle both in their 60's, died of lung cancer within months of each other two years ago and he still hasn't been able to quit his pack a day habit.

How is that different from all of us who drank along with the crowd in our misspent youths (I'm speaking for myself here!) but then a few of us, because of a genetic propensity, became alcoholics, some of whom have been able to find sobriety while others haven't?

We probably all know people with diabetes and/or heart disease who sneak sugary snacks and are overweight and don't exercise. Yet is it ok for the rest of us who also have a terrible time eating right, controlling our weight, and exercising?

I'm a breast cancer survivor, my mother died of breast cancer, her only sister is a survivor, my dad's mom, his only sister, and her only daughter, all have had breast cancer. I'm even a nurse and I STILL won't do those monthly BSE's!

Edited to say... my cousin just got diagnosed with breast cancer for the 2nd time and I just remembered, I still haven't scheduled my annual mammogram!

All I can add is "there, but for the grace of God, go I"!