I am lost. I have been married for 7 years, and been together with my wife for 10.
We have 3 beutiful children, ages 1,4,6.

about a month ago I took 2 weeks off work so my wife could go with some girlfriends/sister/mom to a wedding down in Peurto Plata (or however its spelled)

She was gone 2 weeks, came back, and all was good.

But, on friday, i went on to here computer to check my yahoo email (as a always do), and to my suprise, when i clicked on the "mail" button it auto logged me in. Probelm is, it wasnt my email account, it was hers that she had made when she got back from her trip.

Anyways, there was no big deal, everything including her inbox showed it was empty, and just as i was about to logout I saw a folder called "dominican frind".
Yes, maybe i shouldnt have clicked on it, but I did.
To my suprise, she and a guy she met on her trip had been emailing and instant messaging almost every day.
The emails alwasy ended with such things as "missing you", "miss your smile", his would end with the same thing. he also mentioned dreaming about her, dreaming about kissing her etc...
The only time i am mentioned in these emails is when she said that I was away for the weekend. Also, the made arrangements for him to mail my wife pictures of the trip, and he mad a comment "I hope these come to you and not to your man".
In one email she said "i havent talked to you in 2 days and it feels like its been a week, i miss you, your sunshine"

Now, the confrontation.....
I brought her in to our bedroom when she got home from coffee (about 2 hrs after i found emails)
I asked her "who is eddie"
she said he is just a friend she met down there, there is nothing going on, and giggled about it.
Then, i told her i seen the emails. She continued to say it was nothing, and left to go for coffee again.

Throughout the discussions weve had over the last day and a half, it has gone from "nothing", to "he has a crush on me, thats all", to "we are just harmlessly flirting, and it started on email", to "there was harmless flirting down there, and continued on email and got esculated on email"

Now, let me state a few things, and these are the things that are really hurting me right now..
- she has not shown remorse (after alot of talk, and me pretty much telling her that she should have apologized, she did say she was sorry for hurting me, but she didnt "show it". that was very painfull)
- shes lied, and wont even admit to lying ( by lying i mean not being 100% truthful from the start, and only admitting things when I could prove she was lying)
- How on earth can she expect me to beleive that I know the whole story!!!!!
- she has NOT shown 1 ounce of care, and she admits that, and cant tell me why she didnt care.
- shes told me that she will not keep telling me what happened oveer and over again, she says its nothing and i need to deal with it (yet the more we talk the more i find out that she wasnt telling me, and all i asked for is the whole truth as to whats going on)
- she has come to the point to which shes said I need to deal with it or leave.

- ive told her that i am hurting more than i ever have before, and that she needs to help me. I also asked why she doesnt automatically want to help me, feel concern/symptathy, etc.. and she says "because im tired of telling you the same thing over and over again, deal with it or you need to go"

- shes asked me what it is she needs to do to make me feel better ( keep in mind she asks me these things as if its a chore)
- i responded that i wanted to talk on instant messenger to the guy, so I can find out for myself exactly what happened, what it is that makes him think he can talk to my wife the way he has, since she wont tell me.

- she refuses to let me talk to him, she says its childish, and if thats the only way i will feel better than its tood badd.

- she has agreed not to talk to him.

anyways, there is more...

but i need help here.

I NEED to know exactly what happened, and I need to believe it. Thats why i want to talk to him (using her account, so he thinks I am her)
I cannot go on without knowing, and obviously i cant beleive my wife right now (although she thinks i should)

With all that, and this is the worst, how do I deal with the fact that my wife of 10 years has not shown me one ounce of care, sympathy, remorse?

As it stands, she does not want to talk about it, i have to deal with it myself or leave.
what do I do?

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have t/b here.

Let's get you a plan.

1. Read up on MB 1st. Read the concepts section above, take the EN questionnaire and read the books: Surviving an affair (Harley).

2. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling.....Jennifer will help you get a plan.

3. E-mail or call these friends, sister or MIL and ask questions about this trip.

4. I will see if Cymanca can post t/u. His WS left him to go have a fling with cabana boy while supposedly on a trip with her mom and sister (I think). He can help you wade through this muck.

5. Create your own support group immediately....this should come as you begin to expose but be careful not to tell too much. Your support group can include relatives, co-workers, children, pets, neighbors, friends, etc....whatever helps you heal and move forward. Let your support group know you need their help and you will respect their POVs but ask they respect your decisions. When it comes to your children being part of that support group....reassure them of your love, no matter what age.

6. Expect the WS to react to the extreme and be negative to the max. You may also find out she never loved your or some other type of babble. Know that it's babble and don't let it bother you as much as the truth. It will sting though.... but it's babble. Search for the truth.

7. Secure your finances. If the OM is using the WS....$$ c/b factor. WS' are dumb when it comes to use of $$ and a calculator. Many a WS have tried to give away the family....some have even thrown their family's on the street (literally) to keep the A going. That incident I witnessed in person and had to go serve an RO on the WSH.

8. Know when she is being a WS vs your real W/mother.

Be careful.

take care,
L.

The main things that hurt me are the lack of feeligns, care, remorse, sympathy from her about his whole thing.

All of those things came after the exposure, so its not just my wife having an innocent little flirt thing or whatever, it is that AND the way shes acted since exposure.

What I want from her is this:
I want to talk to the guy and find our for myself what happened (hopefully nothing, but i need to know). By this I mean, if they had a "spark" i want to know and talk about it, if they kissed i want to knw, if anything else happened i want to know. And considering the untruthfullness i have gotten from her, my instinct is to be suspicious, is that wrong? I need closre on that, i need to know what happened, trusting what she says just isnt cutting it as far as healing goes.

She wont give me this, WHY!!!

Now lets say i get to talk to him and i find out and beleive nothing, or maybe something did happen, whichever,, I would then want to talk about that with my wife. is that wrong?

Once were done with that, I would want to sit down and figure out why she has been so heartless to me.

one other thing, she thinks i am blowing this waaaay out of preportion....

isn't she inclined, and shouldnt she want to help and talk to me anyway?

shouldnt she feel terrible about this rather than mad that ive blown it out of preportion as she says?

I think it is interesting that she claims that you have blown this out of proportion. What do you think her attitude would be if the roles had been reversed? I think her attitutde would be quite different.

I hate to tell you this but it is almost a guarantee that she has not told you the truth and more than likely something physical went on. Look at the communications and ask yourself why would this be continuing if nothing happened? Why is she saying she is missing him? I think it is pretty clear that something went on during this trip. It sounds like her attitude toward you has been rude and disrespectful to say the least. The fact that you keep catching her in changing her story bit by bit is a bad sign.
It does sound like a fling but she has kept up with emails which is a very bad sign. She is married to you and acting as if she is single. I would strongly suggest counseling. I feel sorry for you. I suppose you could suggest her taking a polygraph which costs about $400. See what her initial reaction is to this? Again ask how she would feel if you had a little fling and continued to contact the OW. How would she be feeling?

Of course she thinks you are blowing it out of proportion--she doesn't want you to know the goods--and she isn't ready to accept what she has done.


Because she is a WS and has most likely not ended contact. She might have already changed screen names so you couldn't do this.

Here's a thought--put a keylogger on your computer for a few days and lay low--don't confront until you HAVE prrof in your hands. You can learn A LOT from one of these programs. I wish my WH was living at home when I found out about the A, so I could have had this tool. You'll have to keep a level head for a while. I know it's hard--but it's for the best until you can gather the info you need. She isn't going to give you the full truth, so you need to get it yourself.

And another thing--don't feel guilty about it--you are trying to save your marriage. You have a right to know what your wife is doing.

Have you read everything on this site?

she said he is just a friend she met down there, there is nothing going on, and giggled about it.
Then, i told her i seen the emails. She continued to say it was nothing, and left to go for coffee again
Of course she left, you cornered her in a lie. She needed time to think about her next lie to dissuade you from asking more questions about her infidelity. Sorry if this souds blunt, but you must come to the full realization that your W cheated on you with another man while on vacation. This is MVHO, after being around thse boards for nearly 3 years. I'm sorry to be the one that tells you this, as it should be your WW doing so, but it is what it is!
For now, you need more positive proof of what you strongly suspect. This can be accomplished by getting the cell phone records(with complete detail) showing the number of calls and if possible, the text messages exchnged betweeen them.
Ask MIL and whoever else she took trip with to be candid and honest about her activities. They may, or may not be on your side. You won't know until you ask.
Get yourself the book from Dr. H. called Surviving and Affair. It will be extremely helpful in explaining to you exactly how this could happen.
Understand that your WW is in an alien fog right now, and has no clue what she is doing to you and your family. You need to break this pattern but, enough said for know.
Will post more as discorey developes and you may , or may not, discover your worst fears.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Your W is IN an A, emotional or physical, does it really matter? She is in the throes of the Affair Addiction and she doesn't want to give it up. Read, read, read all that you can on this website, the Harley's book and also Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" and educate yourself on A's. It will help you to calm down a bit and create a plan as others here have suggested. You will need to do some exposing--is he married? Discuss with those on the trips with your W. Obviously they created a connection that is incompatible with your M and your W is in the fog, deep.

Understand what is going on here as objectively as you can, form a plan and execute it. Getting counseling from Steve or Jennifer will help too.

ok
she says that her word should be enough, how do i respond?

Ask her 'enough' for who? Then say, the trust factor has been broken. It will take more than a few words to get it back.

Then leave her be. She will need to stew over those words

L.

we talked again...

I asked her to explain why she wont let me talk to this guy, especially since shes stated that she wont be talking to him anymore.

She says its childish, and its between us and no reason to drag him into it.

I then asked her to clarify... i asked her which is more important,
1- to do what it takes to make me feel better about the whole thing, and disregard the fact that she thinks its childish etc...
or 2- not let me talk to him and force me to deal with it on my own, i also stated that this choice would likely end up in a broken marriage of sort. I said we would just have to go on living as 2 parents ( used other words )

She chose #2.

So considering i cant get past it without talking to that guy, and considering she chose #2, I guess my marriage is about over?

btw, i let her read the posts before this one ( i asked her and wanted her to, cause i dont think she understands the hurt )
she more or less said she hope you all arent being paid for this.

You judge a person by their action and not by their words. Unfortunately for you her actions and her words speak volumes. Clearly you are not the priority in her life and apparently the OM is. She is choosing his feelings over yours. What is wrong with this picture?

update...
well, ill update you on this as best i can:

after all the above, at the end of the weekend I decided to talk to her mother.
I didnt get much out of that except that she felt her daughter (my wife) was being stubborn, and if i truly want to save the marriage i should back off for a few days to let her calm down ( and let the "wall" down )
After that phone call, i told my wife a few things...
1 - I told her that I felt she was upset and being stubborn, and although i disagree that she should be treating me this way, I told her I would back off for a while. I also told her to call her mother, and told her I had called her already as well.
She called her mom, and her mom straight out asked her if she wanted to keep her marriage. My wifes answer was yes, so her mom said "Then fix it!".... and thats about the extent of that phone call.

That night, we sat and talked more.
I finally got through to her on some things.. (after fighting through the damn wall she puts up when she gets mad)
I told her i need the truth, and I told her she needs to give it to me.
after a lot of talking, we basically got to the point where we could move forward, but there were some "stipulations"
1 - I wanted her to email the guy and tell him the whole email relationship is over, annnnd I wanted to see the email.
2 - Incase i didnt already mention it, there was talk of this guy sending a disc to my wife with pictures from the trip on it. I had seen the emails that he talked about this, and in one he wrote "the disc with the pictures is on the way, and there is a little suprise in it". Anyways, I told her I wanted to be there when she opens the package.

There were a few other things, but the above 2 were the main ones that I needed her to do to get some closure, and re-establish some trust. She agreed.

The next day, she wrote him an email that pretty much said things got out of hand in the emails and she had hurt her husband. She told him she needed to focus on her family, and ended the email with "take care"
She also showed this to me that day, and in my opinion it was enough for me. Infact I was somewhat happy when she showed me.

Now, 1 week later, i asked her if the pictures (disc) from this guy arrived yet, she said "No, I dont think they are comming"
I also asked her if she got a reply from the guy about her email that tells him she needs to focus on her family,, she said "no".

2 days later again,,, i asked if the disc came and she said "no".

At that point I decided that I was going to check a few things, as I could not beleive her.
I then read some msn conversations she had with her sister.
Turns out the pictures had infact arrived, her sister new about it, and the perfume (suprise) that came with it.
Her sister couldnt understand why she wasnt telling me about the disc/perfume. my wife told her she had been wearing the perfume for 3 days and that I hadnt noticed. (hows that for a kick in the #*$&)

Anyways, that night, i sat my wife down and said this:

"I know you have lied to me since the day we agreed to open the pictures together, and send the guy a final email"
I then said:
" I am not going to answer any questions from you, I am simply going to tell you that you have this one opportunity to come clean with any lies "

after bla bla bla, she gave me the disc. We talked about the situation, she told me she was scared to open it with me because one of his emails stated there would be a suprise with it and she had no idea what it would be. I said i understood that, but she still should have opened it with me anyway. she agreed.
i then asked her why she didnt tell me about it when she discovered it was just perfume he sent, and she said she was worried again, but this time because of the fact that she didnt open the package with me.

Again, this felt like a turning point and we discussed many many things, and moved on.

Another week later...
saturday - 9PM
my wife and i got into a small disagreement about someting. My problem isn't the disagreement, my problem is that i wasnt seeing any effort from her to deal with the situation better than she had in the past (which was one of the things we said we need to work on going forward with this marriage )
I also sensed that "distant" feeling.

again, i checked out some things to put my mind at ease a cpl days later.
Turns out she emailed this guy AGAIN, and it was 30 minutes after our little disagreement 2 days earlier.
There was nothing bad in the email.
he responded 2 days later, basically saying hi and all that but he also added that this thing they have on email is not bad, even for a married women. Hes trying to tell her that she did nothing worng by having this little flirtatious relationship via email with him.

now, I have not seen her response yet, BUT i do know for a fact that she responded to him yesterday morning. i just havent seen it yet cause she started deleting her mail again.
but, as you all know, there are ways to find out.

SOoooooooo
what the heck is wrong with this women?
I truly beleive nothing happned on the trip, and i truly beleive the whole relationship (on her part) is simply due to the fact that she likes the attention..
but is that enough to keep risking our marriage over and over again?

do i keep an eye on her for a while to see if it progresses? do i end it now and move on with life? do i tell her i know?

to add to the above,,,
I am pretty much alone on this.
I obviously can't talk to my wife about his in a level headed manner, nor can i talk to her mother or my mother any more without getting favoured opinions.

Tell her family (mother and sister) EVERYTHING that's gone on. Make it clear that you've repeatedly asked for the truth and she's continued to lie to you, and that you know that this is beyond what ANYONE who is married should be doing.

Tell them that you love her, you want to work on the marriage but can't do anything as long as she continues what she's doing, and ask them for their help in ending this relationship that is destroying your marriage.

Make sure that they get that you're NOT doing this vindictively, but seeking their help to FIX things.

Tell your wife that you know she's STILL in contact with him, and it needs to end...NOW. You're not asking.

Read up on all of the resources here...you'll get the plan you need to work on things.