way to expose the A to the OP's spouse? Does it have/need to be in person?

What about bosses?

Phone call or letter if you can be sure he/she gets it and it is not intercepted by the OP. Boss if they work together or if there would be influence on the spouse/AP.

Have you identified who else you can expose to? Parents, siblings, friends?

It really depends on your situation. I prefer a phone call to the OP's spouse. That way you can trade information and agree to keep each other informed. The OP's spouse can be your ally in killing the affair.

I think that workplace affairs should be exposed to the boss and human resources in a LETTER that factually states the situation giving names and enough information to establish your case. It is also good to point out that workplace affairs can lead to sexual harrassment cases. And the letter should end with: "please let me know what you intend on doing about this?'

I would write one letter, addressed to BOTH parties, so that the other knows the other one got it. That way the letter cannot be swept under the carpet with a wink and a nod because the boss happened to be the WS' buddy. [yes, this does happen]

I think it is usually best to expose to a small list of key people in one fell swoop. That maximizes the impact and gives the affairees no time to recover from each exposure.

And rule #1 in exposure, do not forewarn your WS or make a 'threat" to expose. It will negate the effect.

If you know the people you are going to expose to ... do it face-to-face if possible

If they are strangers to you ... I suggest a phone call ... and offer a follow-up phone call should the need arise

In writing ~~~> if neither of the previous two methods can be aqccomplished

my opinion

Pep

Thanks Melody and Pep.

Do either of you have a sample letter to Human Resources? How much information should I disclose? I like the reference that workplace affairs can lead to sexual harrassment. I am considering letters to both their supervisors, the vice president over both departments, as well as Human Resources/Personnel. Do I need to send the letter return receipt requested?

I am not breathing a word to DWH, but I am planning to expose to OW H. I've only met him 3x, last time over 16 months ago, so I'm planning on phoning him tomorrow morning (dumb DWH disclosed her work schedule).

Also, I'm planning exposure to his buddies Wed., possibly family Tuesday (I've already disclosed to an out of town sib today).

Melody,

I'm composing an exposure letter to the workplace; may I email it to you when I'm done for a critique? :-)

WCG, you might get better feedback if you posted it here. We have some attorneys, and others here, who are really good at this kind of thing.

Ok, here's the workplace exposure letter I drafted. Comments/suggetions??


Dear

I regret to inform you that two of your employees, Mrs. --- L--- in --- dept and Mr. M-- ---- (my husband) in --- dept, have been conducting a 17-month-long workplace affair which I have learned has recently become physical.

M-- and Mrs. L--- took Friday, ----- --, 2005 as paid time off from work to spend the day together without my knowledge or that of Mr. L---. M---- and I have been in marriage counseling since then to rebuild what that day damaged. M-- told me that he informed Mrs. L--- in ---- 2005 that their contact must be limited to professional exchanges because he intended to rebuild our marriage. Now, they are meeting several times a week in a personal capacity and using --- issued equipment (M--’s cell phone) to further their clandestine relationship. In addition, I have an email referencing a physical encounter in a stairwell at ------, an ---- owned property. They may have begun as work colleagues, but they crossed the line quite a while ago – two families may be destroyed before this is all over.

Although both M-- and Mrs. L-- are active and willing participants at this time, each is employed by --- and I believe you have a responsibility to take action concerning this morale-damaging behavior. I would like to have the opportunity to attempt to rebuild my marriage and keep my family intact without Mrs. L--’s interference, just as Mr. L-- deserves the same. I’m sure your Human Resources/Personnel department is aware that workplace affairs can lead to sexual harassment cases.

Please let me know what you intend on doing about this.

Very good! I would address it to one key person, the one who has the most power over this situation and then CC the others. This will convey the point that you are holding a particular person accountable and that you expect a response from him. The cc tells him that others know about this so he can't sweep it under the carpet.

I like the idea of sending it registered mail.

A couple of things -

Is there a supervisor/subordinate relationship here in the workplace? This pretty much has to be the case for a sexual harrassment allegation to stick.

Can you allege that workplace resources have been used to further the affair?

Absent sexual harrassment or resource implications, most employers will steer clear of "outside activities" of their employees. In fact, in some settings, imposing on such activities by an employer can be its own flavor of discrimination.

As for exposing to OP's spouse, see the Exposure link in my sig line below. There's an embedded link to a thread on just this topic.

Regardless of how you expose to OP's spouse, having hard evidence is very important. The typical response of unsuspecting BSs is to disbelieve the messenger and defend the spouse. - unless the BS is already on the trail.

Let me add that, IMHO, exposing to the OP's spouse is FAR more important than exposing at the workplace. Exposing to the spouse is the most powerful tool you have. After that, family and personal acquaintences are most important then social settings, including churches.

There are two schools of thought on exposure - OK, three.

1. scorched earth - the equivalent of carpet bombing - tell everyone and anybody who will listen without regard to their relative influence on the WS.

2. concentric circles - start close in with OP's spouse and WS family members, including "mature" children, and expand in concentric circles until it works.

3. exposure advoidance - rationalize that exposure won't work because it'll just make matters worse.

Both 1 and 2 can be effective - hard to predict which will be better until it's over and even then you won't know how the other would have resulted.

#3 could also be known as "assist the affair by helping to keep it quiet." I think you've already figured this out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

WAT, I don't know of ANYONE here who recommends a "scorched earth" tactic. That would be very ineffective. Rather, in her case, she needs to expose EFFECTIVELY to get the most meaningful outcome. This is a LONG TERM on-again, off-again affair. In this case, that involves the employer [it is a workplace affair], the OWH, close friends, and parents. There is nothing "scorched earth" about that. The AFFAIR might feel a little "scorched" afterwards, but that is the goal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There has been no sexual harrassment allegation. She is simply alluding to the possibility to get their attention and point them to the pitfalls of workplace affairs.

I agree completely, Mel.

I wasn't personally advocating carpet bombing - just that some do. Just as I don't advocate Door #3. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I seem to recall Dr. Harley mentioning "billboard" exposure. If it wasn't him it was someone else also respected on the topic.

I personally advocate for the concentric circle approach. To me it's more "smart bomb" - it can be effective without the excess carnage that indescriminate exposure can create. But truth be told, no one can know exactly how much exposure to do all at once for the desired result, IMHO. Small pieces or shock and awe?

Yes, and mentioning "sexual harrassment" may get the attention of the employer - especially if this squishy area is understood to a typical extent, meaning, very little.

WAT

Gotcha, WAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Melody, WAT, you guys are great!

No, there's no subordinate/supervisor thing. It's more lateral. They are not in the same dept but are located in the same bldg and their VP is the same person. I got the name of a supervisor over OW's department in charge of personnel issues, but I wonder if I shouldn't just send the letter to the VP and copy the supervisors, like someone recommended.

My plan was to expose to OW H, then start on DWH's family.

WH is being so nice and sweet to me. But I know from my reading here that he is textbook. He's sitting on the fence too. Definitely in the fog. I almost can't believe how textbook he is!

I contacted someone in the legal department of DWH & OW's employer and below is the response. It's very discouraging. Sounds like management will not do a thing.

"Thank you for being patience with me. I have concluded my research and based on the information you provided, I was unable to locate any ------ Instruction that addresses
workplace infidelities when said persons are not in each others direct supervision. Such situations are considered civil matters. In most situations, management may only become involved when the two employees are found in comprising positions or when their work performance become
effected by the relationship."

Is exposing to management even worth it, since they won't do anything?

Yes. They might not be able to do anything about it now...but you've shone a light on the infidels....they (mgmt.) will be watching now to be certain nothing further happens.

Not all exposure works immediately. For some cases, it errodes the infidels reputations like acid rain errodes stone - slowly but certainly.

- Kimmy

You might work in "use of company inventory (computers, e-mail)" for personal use and "time theft" into your letter.

Much like I do here when I post from work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SD

Well, I exposed to OW's H today.

Called him at work, asked to meet so that I could give him copies of the emails I found and asked that we share information (I was hoping for cell phone bills showing the calls). He seemed stunned, said he knew my DWH and his W were "close". ("Close"? and he wasn't concerned???) He took my phone number and that was that.

I had hoped for a little more. By now, he's probably confronted her. I wonder if she's told him that I'm the wacko.

I'm not sure what I really should have been expecting. For all of you who have been there, what happens next?