Hi all,<P>I wish everyone well with their struggles in daily life. I was talking to a female friend of mine who had an affair for 4 mos., and is now back with her husband and they are doing great. This is the reason she gave in why it was hard to give up OM:<P>She said bottem line is that she did not want to accept that she was used by another man only for getting his rocks off with her. She said that she really knew that she an OM couldn't really have a life together. Her husband was working way too much and the OM just took advantage of her when her guard was down. He purposely told her great things about her to make her feel good about herself, all along setting her up to get between her legs. When her husband found out she lied and said nothing was going on. He accepted that and moved on. She made every intention of cutting it off with other man, but guess what, he knew that sending flowers and candy to her office would do the trick. She stated that her husband wasn't doing these things and it made her feel special. During the affair, she said she really did feel that she loved this OM, but deep down she knew it could not work out, because she really knew that she loved her husband for who he really was as opposed to someone who is pretending to be someone who they are not for some free sex and no bills (except hotel charges, he would spring for that charge). However, a extremely close relative (relative and wife had great relationship) of his saw her and OM kissing before they went up to the hotel room. She (relative) tried to call husband at home, but he was not there. She later told him everything. Wife confessed when confronted this time because of closeness with relative and did not want to call her a liar, because wife knew it was true. Wife did not want to ruin their relationship.<P>Wife said she knew what she was doing was wrong, but did not want to accept what really was her role in the affair (free sex). She felt how could a moral, intelligent , and wise woman be used just for sex like that. She did not want to accept that to herself or have to explain it to her husband, family, and friends. So, she lied and kept it going trying to force herself to see some good in the affair or otherwise she would have been an outlet for another man to get his rocks off. She knew she was better than that, but had to prove it to herself by trying to convince herself this OM really did love her. She later said that he loved having sex with her, but he didn't love her. She said that he proved that when husband and her confronted OM and he lied to them in their faces saying she is making this up to make H jealous. He even had the nerve to say that she was to overweight for him to be attracted to her. Days after the confrontation she said she became extremely suicidal because she had to relive all of the sexual things she did with this OM in her head. But this time she was not in the fantasy and she knew what her role was to OM in the affair. She thought of what he said about her being overweight while images of her doing oral things to him kept popping in her head and she just felt sick and wanted to die. She thought how in the hell did I risk so much in my life to be another man's sex object only.<P>Nevertheless, husband and wife are doing wonderfully and they are expecting their first child in December.<P>Moral of this story is: Don't have an affair until you first way the consequences against what you truely have with OP. I suggest don't have an affair at all, just tell your spouse what they can do to help make you happy. They can't read your mind, I don't care how many years you have been together.<P><BR>Peace and Awareness,<P>Enough

Enough,<P>I could have said all those things myself, and it hurt to read it.<P>BTW, my H and I are doing great now too... but we're older, I suspect, than your friend. We've been married 19, going on 20 years.<P>Your friend is telling MY truth, and it sucks! How embarrassing... even still...<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

I'm so glad the story has a happy ending but what a way to get there. One thing that struck me was the story as told from the betrayer's viewpoint said nothing about your friend's husband and how it was he was able to recover so nicely from such betrayal. Do you or your friend have an insight into this part of the story?<P>"Just tell your spouse what they can do to make you happy. They can't read your mind." Those are words of wisdom that had we paid attention to in our marriages would probably have saved us all from this pain. How I wish my husband could have articulated more than " I am not happy. I don't feel loved." I think he can now - so there is much to be hopeful about.<BR>

Sheryl - thanks for your reply on my thread!! I'm so happy that you and H are getting along! Wasn't it just a few days ago that there was some tension? Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Enough - Thank you. I really mean that. Reading your post has helped me understand my W's motives in her affair even better, and right now this is what I'm struggling to do. Yes. My sense is that her OM has no real interest in an actual committed relationship with her beyond sexual fun and games(which I know from personal experience that she is VERY good at!) with possibly some drug use on the side. Otherwise, I think she would have left me for him a long time ago (even before we were married, which is when the affair started). I think he may TELL her he loves her, but somehow always manages to manipulate her into staying in her marriage. (Why would HE want to pay the bills and take out the garbage?) On the other hand, I think she's like the woman you describe. She doesn't want to think of the affair as being just for sex. I think that would disgust her just as it did the woman in your story. So, somehow, she manages to convince herself that they do love each other and that it's just circumstances that are keeping them apart. She can't admit to herself that, for him, it's just the sex, and so she stays in the affair to keep trying to prove to herself that there's something more there. Of course, this is all speculation, but it makes a lot of sense. Because I've often wondered, if they're so hot for each other (and I know they are, because she has nothing left for me) why the hell don't they just run off together and leave the whole mess behind? Well (I'm guessing), that's why!<P>--Wex

I am happy that their marriage worked out as well. They really can be great together when no other person is trying to influence their marriage one way or the other.<P>new_beginning: Thank you for responding. I admire your courage and perception to get out when you did before more damage could have possibly been done to your marriage. Hey sweetheart, we all have our weak moments, you have proven that with internal strength we can all make our lives better after such moments. You have shown true VALOR throughout your situation.<P>Simone: The wife was only telling me why she was afraid to let go of OM. She did not want to face the madness that she choose to create. It is so bizarre how one bad decision can alter the course of your life forever.<P>wexwill: Hang in there my friend. Show your wife unconditional love while taking care of yourself and family. When the bottom drops from her world she is going to need a (her) MAN to catch her and love her the way she deserves to be loved.<P>