I have been in Plan B since xmas...about as dark as you can get. I have had absolutely no contact at all with WH and to my knowledge, the only contact he has attempted was a snail mail (cell & email are blocked)and that was about vistitation with the kids. I didn't respond because the visitation would have required the kids visiting him out of state where he live with OW.

I think I have finally gotten my heart and mind in sync...as some describe it and am really ready for all this to be done with. I know not just with my head, but also with heart that after almost 2 years, he isn't going to become H again. I am done.

Anyway, the one thing that has really concerned me throughout the Plan B is that I know he has been using my lack of contact as a justification for no contact with the kids. Their whole lives I have had to play "middle man" with them and he never really has developed an independent relationship with them. I was hoping that Plan B might change that and he would begin to take initiative on his own in maintaining contact. He hasn't. He hasn't seen them since T'giving and other than xmas, maybe 3 or 4 phone calls lasting a total of about 10 minutes. I do believe that he would like to be in more regular contact, but he really has no clue about how to go about developing a real relationship with them, independent of me.

So now, I am wondering if I need to step back in and start playing "mediator" in a way. With the goal of him eventually having a truly separate, independent relationship. I am afraid that when this marriage ends, as I am convinced it inevitably will, they will have absolutely no relationship with their Dad at all and depite his behavior I am not sure that is good. I know for a fact it is really starting to bother DD14.

Anyway, does anybody have any ideas or thoughts on how I can make this transistion. I am not sure how to bring it up with WH. There is one big obstacle. He lives 800 miles away, and I will not allow, under any circumstances, the kids to visit him there as long as he is living with OW. He has been reluctant to visit here because of time and $$ issues.

peach,

I know you are hurting and the pain is not getting any less but do you really feel you can MAKE your WH be a father to his children?

Plan B is hard..very hard. And I am sure it is harder with children. Please step back for a while and see if you feel the same a few weeks down the road.

No, I can't MAKE him, but I can help and encourage. It just really hurts me to think of my kids, especially my daughter grwoing up believing that their Dad deserted him. That can leave such deep scars, especially on girls my DD's age.

When we were together they did have a relationship, it was just that I always had to be in the background kind of "coaching" him. He has issues with "doing relationships" in general (which not suprisingly is a the core or our current situation). I don't know how to explain it other than to say he truly does not know how. I think that when we were together he never had the motivation to try and do it on his own because he always had me to back him up and when I went into Plan B, he just didn't know how to approach the kids.

But you are right, I need to give it a few weeks and I admit that part of my motivation is that I am tired of being a single mom. On a practical level, I have done it for nearly 20 years. When WH and I were together I accepted it because I didn't also have to deal with so much other stuff, like working and paying the bills. But I do now and I am tired of carrying the load alone.

It does not matter what plan you are in A B or X ... he has chosen to be geographically unavailable for his children

have your kids call their Dad once a week

have them be their own middle man, as it were

there is nothing you can do to change him

you will only frustrate yourself

PAY the kids a dollar to call every Sunday nite ... even if they only speak a minute

Pep

That is a good idea, Pepper. I do try and encourage the kids to call their Dad some, but not on a consistent regular way. They usually resist, and I just let it go. I admit part of that is resentment that once again...still...it is all my responsibility. I have had the attitude up until now, that since he left I am no longer obligated to be his "matchmaker" with the kids. And as true as that maybe, it isn't about what I am obligated to do, it is about doing what is best for the kids.

The ironic thing is that he (and I told him this before Plan B) is going to end up with the same relationship with his kids that he always had with his Dad. They will talk 3-4 time a year...see each other for a few days every few years. It will be awkward and they won't have much to say to each other and everyone will be glad when the visit is over. They weren't exactly estranged, just not close. He always HATED that. I used to encourage (even nag some) for him to take more initiave with his Dad (really the whole family) by calling email, just keeping in touch generally. He would try for awhile and get zip for reciprocation and eventually I even gave up. It was obvious they weren't interested.

part of the reason he moved was to be closer to his family (his Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's). It is just a shame that in order to regain one family, he thinks he has to give up another.

Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions: Noodle

Post-divorce is no time to start "teaching" your WH. If he didn't "get it" when he had you as a strong motivator by his side -- why is he going to "get it" now that he has abandoned you and the kids and moved 800 miles away? He is voting with his feet. And yes, he is repeating history.

It's his problem, now.

I have the same sitch with stepkids that have been essentially abandoned. I think they (now legally adults) are better off not having the illusion of a father, rather than reengaging and getting hurt again when they find out he is only going through the motions, at best.

I do wonder also if your motives might be somewhat mixed -- this is a way to reinitiated a reduced relationship. It's likely to cause you more pain and anguish. Stay dark. You sound healthy and sane. (But I do like Pepper's idea.)

***It just really hurts me to think of my kids, especially my daughter grwoing up believing that their Dad deserted him.***

Peach - your kids don't just "believe" their Dad deserted them. He HAS deserted them, and they are quite right to feel that way because it's the truth.

I think you can help them best by validating their feelings and not trying to sugar-coat the truth or make it into something it's not. That will only make them more confused and angry when they are told their feelings are "wrong" and that they aren't really deserted when they know full well they are.

Sadly, you are a single mom now, and all of you will have to start facing life from that standpoint.

At least he's not dragging your kids around the OW.

So sorry this has happened to you, but you do sound strong and capable (much more so than WS) and I know all of you will make it just fine.

Hang in there.
Mulan

Well

the kids can certainly earn some spending money ... pay them $1 for every call they make to their Dad... when they are adults ... they will remember this and understand your motives...

Pep

I hear you, and absolutely agree with that. And that has been my attiutde throught this. He left, and is no longer entitled to my help in being a parent. I really hoped he would step up the plate, and his refusal to do so has really been the last straw for me in deciding that this is over. I no longer have any respect whatsoever for him.

One thing I have learned thru all this is that it is not the physical adultrey or the leaving that is so hard to forgive. People fall, they make mistakes and those things are forgiveable. But I have finally realized that this wasn't a mistake THIS IS WHO HE IS. A weak, selfish, self-centered person. Heck, even selfish and self centered I could forgive. Weakness, I have a much harder time dealing with.

Anyway, I do believe that at some point soon I am going to have to begin communicating with him again. Realistically, I can't Plan B the rest of our lives. I just have to do with a full understanding of who and what he is and exactly how much (or little) I can expect from him...amd with clear unambigious boundaries. I'm not sure I am quite there yet, but I am close. Forcing, for lack of a better term, the kids to take up the initiative may be the best starting place.

I was doing pretty good in Plan B for quite awhile, but for some reason the past few weeks I am having a much harder time being still. Clousure is becoming much more important to me. Thanks for letting me vent.