Well - I have an appt. with my attorney tomorrow, I will be setting the wheels in motion to move out and file for D.

I feel really good that I've come this far - I know it's taken me a good 3 years to let go of my WH and a M built on lies - but, everyones time frame is different. It took alot of disrespect from him and me disrecting him and his actions to finally let go..

I want my freedom - I don't want to answer to my WH anymore, I don't want to be a part of this 3 ring circue anymore. I don't want to be a topic of conversation between him, his kids, his MOWomen..

I still haven't found a house, and he's not going to move out so I have to find out what happens when I start construction on a new home. I know he'll own 1/2 of it - but, I own 1/2 of our home too. I need to find out more about the financial issues during a separation or pending divorce.

I do know that he can fire me from our business, he says he won't - but I don't trust him not too. If I have no income - then what happens..I'll let my attorney guide me thru this - I'm just glad that I've finally stepped up and will be stepping OUT....

HUGS

Holy Cow..... (( ItHurts )) WOW.....

Why the outcome obviously is not what we'd desire in life, I am pleased that you are doing this for you.... AWESOME.... Let us know how things go with your Atty...

PS.... Does this mean that I have to officially resign as "the thorn in your side"? Dag-nab-it......

No - the outcome isn't what I wanted, and the lose of my M and a man that I truly and deeply loved still breaks my heart. But, with the help of my IC (that I started seeing in Dec) I faced reality and put the value back into myself, set some boundaries and took control of my own life. Seeing me take control of my life and not allowing WH to upset me with his A's, etc. put WH in a tizzy. The more control he lost the more started to see who I really am. He went so far as to blame my IC for our problems.

I know that I deserve a life and so does he, I realize we have nothing left but the deep scars of infidelity. We have nothing together but financial issues to resolve and if he gets out of control that's my attorney's job to get resolved.
Naturally, my family and friends are still skeptical that it will end - but, I feel confident that it has to.

Yes I'm doing this for me...IC has me making a list of WHY I must leave this M - I think that's a good exercise, painful but to heal I may have to relive the pain one more time.



Absolutely NOT...You've done your best to make me face my demons and I'm sure down this D path there will be more and I will falter and I'll need YOU and WSNBS to "kick me where the sun don't shine"...As you told me before "Get're done".."Put your big girl pants on" etc. Those were words of wisdom from one who'd been there done that...THANK YOU..

Hugs

AWESOME.... No really, this is probably the best thing I've ever seen you post. So you know, there is another side out there, past all this. The agony and work that you put in on working on yourself today, will pay big dividends tomorrow.

ItHurts, it took me a long time to get where I am today as a happy and healed person. Like you, I got stuck for years, only I was stuck after the divorce and not before it. In the end, it was only me standing in my way of happiness, healing, and health.

Sounds like you have a wonderful willingness coupled with a couragous counselor... Gurl, you're going to do just fine just as long as you keep doing what you need to do. I'm telling you, it's going to be a site when you fully emerge from this caccoon and fly away..... You might give us a warning when that's about to happen so we can dawn our sunglasses.......

ItHurts, you are a success story in the makings..... and I hope you keep letting a couple of tag along for the ride..

Hugs, Thoughts, & PRayers

Bill - I think what helped in theraphy was when my IC said look at your M... you have all the rules, standards, morals, whatever of being married - but you are ALONE...You go everywhere alone, don't spend holiday times together, no family functions together, eat and sleep separately, no SF,etc., etc. So why be afraid of being alone - when you already are????

Why not look for a future or a life and when you look at what you want in life - paint a clear picture of what I invision for myself..going places w/friends/family and being there by myself, though having a husband "somewhere" - wasn't what I wanted in the "picture". Being there alone yet having someone at home pulling my strings and still hurting me wasn't in the picture.

I don't go to church often, but I went on Easter with my family and I cried, it was painful, I looked around at the families (yeah, there could be some WS there - but, I didn't see that) and I had noone...again, I was alone.Don't take that wrong that I need to be with someone - the feeling came from the fact that I'm M but alone..If I'm going to be alone - then it should be 100% alone. Allowed to make my own decisions, mistakes, whatever - not still attached to someone that chooses not to be with me. To live in the same house w/someone that hurts me.

And, I've been doing that too..holding myself back in fear of being alone or whatever my fears have been - I've wasted parts of my life that I'll nver get back - for what??? What have I gained over the past 3 years??

I guess one thing I have gained is STRENGTH...People always told me they thought I was so strong to fight this battle, I didn't always let them see the side that was dying inside - but thru IC I am coming alive again. I am standing up for what I want and what I deserve and I will except nothing less. My future is full of uncertainties but I am willing to look forward to whatever it brings me, nothing can be as bad as the past 3 years.

My new home will be built brick by brick just as my recovery from the loss of my M and it will stand strong - just like me....

HUGS>>>>

WOW-your post really hit home with me. My situation hasn't lasted as long as yours since D-day but I have been in an unhappy/verbally abusive realtionship for years. I signed the papers to start the divorce last Friday and I am really doing quite well I think.

I was so touched to read what your counselor said to you because it is the same conclusion I already came to.... I am in this marriage alone. I am gaining nothing from it-only he is. He has a built in nanny, housekeeper, tutor, and chauffer for his children and he gets to come visit on the weekends for fun. He was staying here but he may as well have been on Mars. So I to am alone and I may as well do it with my own choices and mistakes and no one elses.

I think you are very strong and I admire your strength to step out there and see what life has in store for you next.

It's called cake-eating - even if they don't due to our setting some boundaries - have all the cake - any part will do for them.

Over a year ago - I quit doing anything for WH, unless he specifically asked me - no laundry, cooking, errands, etc. I NEVER ask him to do anything for me..ever..If I need a ride, etc. I call friends/family. Yet, he still has the nerve to ask now and then for "favors" from me. My only gain right now is a roof over my head - that's it.

It was hard for me to stop doing things for him on my own - but, I knew I had to stop. My IC said - if he asks me and I don't want to do it - then don't but if it saves me from his verbal abuse then I'm not really doing it "for him" - I'm doing it for me and that's OK...

Hugs - it gets better - believe me I've been here a long time and never thought I'd get to this point, never thought I could stop loving him and deep inside I still have love in my heart for him and always will - but, I love me too and I have to come first..

HUGS....

{{{{{ITHURTS}}}}}

I really relate to your story and applaud you reaching this decision for yourself. I know how hard it can be.

I spent about 1 1/2 years trying to reconcile before ending contact, but it's taken another 3 year to get to the point where I finally have a court date for a divorce trial next Monday. We also have a business, which I've been running alone for the past 5 years and I hope to buy WH out of it and continue to run it - IMHO, I'd rather H have it than try to work together divorced. I have a friend who's (W?)H left about the same time mine did and she continue to work for him for several years. She's finally weaned herself away. She's hurting financially, but she's better emotionally.

My WH also had multiple A's and is verbally abusive. Strangely, abusive relationships are very difficult to break free from, even more so than non-abusive ones (though infidelity is definitely a form of abuse!) I applaud your IC for helping you learn to love yourself enough to face the fear of being alone - I definitely know that one too!

Sending lots of good thoughts your way!!

My attorney doesn't seem concerned about anything - she feels more than competent to deal with whatever his attorney may/will dish out.

A letter will be sent to his attorney stating that January 1, 2006 was/is our "separation date".

She said if I can't find a comparable home - then it's fine to start construction. If he decides to fire me - which she feels knowing his attorney he won't do, but, if he does then we file the D papers and get this finished. But, right now she still sees no reason for either of us to file for D. It would be financially damaging to our personal and business standing to get D.
I do not want things to get ugly but if he pushes the wrong buttons - I'll have no recourse than to push back.

I just want PEACE in my life and he can make this soooo easy or sooo difficult - the ball is in his court..


HUGS