THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE. I hope I do this right.

Has anyone on this site actually saved their marriage after infidelity and been happy for more than a few years? It seems like I see many posts about WS’s doing it again!

I haven’t yet decided whether to even try to save the marriage. My heart says “yes,” but my head says “not a chance I’ll put myself through this nightmare again!” Even my husband said to me, “You’ll never be able to look at me the same way or respect me the way you used to.” He is totally right!

I’ve been reading posts here for weeks, trying to decide what to do. So far, I’ve done everything wrong from Dr. Harley’s advice and it might be too late to save the marriage even if I decide I want to.

I sincerely love and really miss my WH, but the pain he has caused me is so deep, I just don’t know that I can ever forgive or trust him again. What really bothers me the most about his affair is that he sought it out, continued it very deliberately, and took advantage of my weakest moments, when I needed him the most, to continue the A.

We have been married almost 7 years. We are both 37 and have no children (his decision). This is my first and his second marriage. His first wife cheated on him and it really hurt him badly, yet it didn’t stop him from doing the same to me.

About 5 years ago, we relocated 1,000 miles from our hometown in support of WH’s career, even though I really did not want to leave my friends and my family. My mother has been ill and in a wheelchair for years and I was one of her caregivers, so I felt terrible about leaving.

The affair started about 5 months ago, and like I said, it was very deliberate. My H travels a lot on business and was at an out-of-state event without his wedding ring on when he met the 23-year-old OW. He took her phone number and started calling her periodically about two weeks later. He had told her that he was divorced, but failed to mention that he had married again. Needless to say, the calls got more frequent over the months and he started having a lot of meetings and events that he “needed to attend” in her city. They started actually dating. He even went to dinner with her and her parents and spent time with her 2-year-old daughter.

This part upsets me almost more than anything. During this time, he developed some issues maintaining erections. I had noticed, but since it rarely kept us from completing SF and he seemed to be working so much, I wrote it off to stress. I later found out that he had saw doctor on March 7 and got a prescription for Cialis (an ED drug that works for 36 hours). He went right to her hometown on March 8 and slept with her. After that, he avoided me sexually, while going back to see her repeatedly. Now that isn’t just falling into bed with a friend - that was premeditated!

It was easy for him to continue to see her during this time period, because my mother’s health had deteriorated and I went to see her on March 18. My H was supposed to be working at a trade show in another state through Saturday evening, filling in for a co-worker who’s father had died. Turns out, the show was only one day during the week and there was no death. He insisted that he couldn’t come home a few hours early to take me to the airport, so I had to find another ride.

That night, my mother had a massive heart attack and stroke. I had tried to reach my H all day and night and finally resorted to calling my neighbors to see if he was even home. Of course, he wasn’t, but made up lies when I did reach him and I was too upset about my mom to pursue the issues it brought up.

I called him crying almost every day as my mom’s hospital stay continued, and she didn’t seem to be getting better. Finally, a hospice nurse told my family that mom was dying and probably wouldn’t make it 2 weeks. I was devastated and called my H bawling. Turns out that after talking to me for about 20 minutes, he hung up and called OW for about 2 hours to chat about whatever made him feel good.

I was scheduled to fly back on March 25, but didn’t want to leave with my mom on her deathbed. My H encouraged me to stay another week because “my family should be more important than my job.” He then scheduled another “business” trip to see OW and spent 3 nights with her.

It’s not just that he betrayed me, it’s also that he took advantage of my mother’s illness to do so. Instead of being there for me, he saw it as an opportunity to be there with her. Wow, that hurts!

After coming back in town and having him treat me very coldly, not even asking how I was doing or how my mom was doing, I figured out that he was cheating. I looked through phone records and credit card bills then did some Internet research to find out who she was before I confronted him on April 8. Rather than trying Plan A, I was so angry that I kicked him out that night. I also called OW and told her that he was married.

We talked frequently at first and he seemed so sorry that I started to think we could make it work. He would talk about what he had done wrong and how he needed to change. Then, OW called him and told him that she didn’t care if he was married, she still wanted him. After that, he started being rude and blaming me for all our problems.

Things have gone done hill from there. I’ve seen a lawyer to draw up a property settlement agreement and the terms of it made my H so mad that he threatened me with physical violence and attempted to destroy some of my possessions.

I haven’t heard from him in days and he won’t return my phone calls. I think he may have moved in with OW, but I don’t know.

I really do want to move back to my hometown as soon as possible. My mom is still living, but is in very poor shape. She had another stroke on Friday and now can’t talk at all or move much. I just feel trapped in uncertainty and I don’t know what to do. My husband was so awful to me, but I still love him!

When I leave, I’ll have to quit my job and give up my home in addition to losing my husband. Plus I am facing the death of my mother any day. I am a mess!

Is it even possible to save a relationship after this much pain? Should I even try? I can’t take much more pain or stress!

Yes, there are many (I am not one of them, but I am happy now!).


I would be inclined to agree that you ought to cut your losses and find a better man (sorry, I'm taken! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ). You're young, you've had a relatively short commitment (compared with the length of a good marriage), and you have no children.

That said, your marriage could be saved and it become better than your wildest dreams. - but not without your best efforts.

You may not want to hear this, but without kids in the picture, I wouldn't bother saving this. Sorry.

AGG

Thank you for such a quick reply. My friends had the same advice, but since they have never experienced this, I really wanted to hear from someone who has. I think we all assume we would just leave someone if they did this to us, but it isn't so easy once you are in this position.

I think leaving is the right thing to do, but late at night, when I am alone with memories of him all around me, that often changes. Maybe time will help with that.

Welcome to MB!

I am so sorry about your mother!! I've just said a prayer for her... I hope that's okay.

Now, about your marriage... to be honest with you... from everything I've read here and seen in real life... you'll never *forget* the pain that your WH has put you through... but you can rebuild a beautiful restored marriage. There IS hope!

Many couples HAVE rebuilt and moved on (beyond this site) and that's part of the problem... they move on and we never (or rarely) hear from them again. Some never post to the site while they're working at their marriages, but use the tools found here... we know this because they come AFTER... and tell us about it. Some couples hang around and post, like Mr. and Mrs. Wondering. And some spouses, who came alone, are still married, healing or healed, and help others, like Pepperband, Orchid and Kam.

I won't give you advice on what to do at this point... there are many others who are far better examples of what to do... but I will suggest that you read over on Just Found Out... two threads in particular: Pepperband's Carrot and Stick of Plan A and WAT'S Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses ...

Finally, I will tell you that in my own case... my first H and I divorced after 20 years of marriage. I never fully forgave him while we were still married, nor did he forgive me (we were both BS and WS)... but a strange and thankfully healing thing has happened... we have forgiven each other... and we have a respectful, kind and caring relationship now. Our children (now adults) don't worry that we'll fight when we speak... and we don't say unkind things about each other or to each other.

How much better would it have been to forgive each other and stay together? Usually MUCH better for the kids... and often better for the couple, too. The world is pretty harsh out there, and finding someone new is not easy.

I don't get a re-do, because I rebounded into another marriage (to a tender, sweet man who I love very much)... but you still have the chance in your marriage. You still love him and you want to forgive him. That's half the battle!

Bless you as you begin this journey... I hope it is a healing one for you, too.

And again, I am very sorry about your mom.

Don't make a quick decision.

BTW, AGoodGuy is taken, too. - or so I hear.

Seriously, please consider planning for your future as you ponder this - in two ways.

1. Take advantage of the information on this site regarding developing healthy romantic relationships. This will benefit you no matter what course you choose. In the event the marriage is ended, you'll be WAY smarter for the next relationship you enter. Learn from the information here about infidelity and the steps to take to prevent it and, if it happens, how to deal with it. No matter who you're with in the future, this information can come in handy.

2. While you're learning, take no action to initiate an end of the marriage. Express to your husband that recovery is possible and typical for couples who really work at it. Allow HIM to take the steps necessary for divorce. At each step of the process, express that this is optional - the marriage can be healed. If he goes through with it, you let him go without a fight, knowing you offered options. In the end, you can exit guilt free.

Of course, step 2 is optional for you - it's intended to give you peace of mind over the "what ifs" that inevitably haunt some folks' divorce decisions.

WAT

WOW! A lot of stress has accompanied this. I know how you feel I have had some of my worst moments in the past two years. I always felt my husband would be there to suport me.

I have heard several comments about having kids to make a difference in your decison. I fyou had kids, you would still need to think if this would be right for the two of you.

Obviously, you want him. He has been your husband for 7 years. A lot of time and commitment has gone into this marriage. Do you have the time and commitment to make it what you want??

It seems that you have many things to work out first.

Maybe you need to talk to him and see how he feels about making this work and what EN you need to meet of his. It can't hurt to see what he needs and how you are going to meet his needs before making a decision.

Also, about him not helping you at your needest moments, remember he is in a fog not thinking clearly about what responsibilities he has to you as a W and a person. Many mean things have been said and done in the fog.

Remember you too must not have been meeting his needs to arrive at this place. MAybe he felt as badly as you are right now when this began. Wouldn't you do anything to not feel this way now?

I am not supproting what he did. It hurts everyday when I think about what my H did, BUT when he refused to meet my needs for awhile after I found out- I knew how he must have felt before the affair.

What do I know I am a newbie too, but have doen a lot of reading to come to where i am.

Hang in there, It really hurts now, but in the scheme of life you will feel better with time.


Oh, one more thing- try plan A- can't hurt-onyl make you a better person.

Hang in there

AnnMarie,

By your very presence here, you are definitely not one to run from what you perceive as a personal and moral obligation. I am all for objectivity but this decision is obviously all yours to make.

I can not forsee any person that treats her mother with such care and respect take an opposite tack when it comes to your WH.

Do what you feel is correct, but only when you have made that moral, rational and clear headed decision.

My prayers go with.

BTW, you showed a LOT of character and self respect when you tossed his *ss out.

Thank you. I've been reading posts here for weeks and everyone seems so dedicated to trying again. Since I actually thought that I had an imperfect, but still happy marriage up until about two weeks ago, I am still in shock. I don't want to deal with reality.

I also can't help but feel protective of my H in spite of what he has done. He has no family but me and and is so ashamed of himself that he is convinced his friends will all reject him too (they are all couples friends). He isn't good with making friends and doesn't have anyone in the area that he can rely on except for his girlfriend.

The sad thing for him is that he doesn't even love this girl. He told me that he never had any intention of leaving me for her or even if I never found out. I do believe him and I feel bad for him.

Still, someone who is so selfish and shortsided as to hurt the only person in the world that really, really loves him, isn't someone I should probably try to stick it out with.

The responses I've received are really helping me see this more clearly. I am glad to know that even people who strongly believe in marriage can see that pursuing this would be a bad idea.

AnnMarie,

First do NOT believe anything he says either negative or positive at this time.

Secondly and MOST importantly DO NOT SHELTER HIM FROM THE REALITIES OF HIS DECISIONS. To do so denigrates yourself as a woman and wife and him as a man and as a husband

I don't think anyone is saying it's a bad idea - just that you have an easier choice NOT to pursue it.

As I said above, don't make a hasty decision and consider giving it a chance. A few months is short compared with 7 years.

Order the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs (available in the bookstore on this site or via an on-line bookseller. Absorb them before doing anything.

Saying your husband is embarassed is a different description than in your first post - unless I missed something. If he's genuinely embarrassed, he's got more wits about him than the typical WS.

WAT

Hi AnnMarie,
Welcome to MB. I agree with the others that no one would blame you if you cut your losses and let this one go, especially with no children in the picture.

Using the final illness of a spouse's parent to go cheat on said spouse is about as low as it gets, IMHO. But it seems like I've heard similar stories here - "my dad was dying, my mom was so ill, and while I was taking care of them my WS took advantage of the time to go out banging the OP." Sadly, your case is not unique.

From the way you have described your WH, you might want to make IC (independent counseling) for him a requirement for returning to the marriage. I agree that there is something seriously skewed with a person who could do something like this.

Good luck, and keep reading and posting. You don't have to decide today.
Mulan

ditto Mulan -

I'll go one step further and suggest that ANYONE attempting marriage recovery after infidelity should consider a post-nup agreement. Infidelity in the future by either spouse results in forfeiture of all or certain marital property and assets to the faithful spouse in the event of divorce stemming from the infidelity - at the discretion of the faithful spouse.

At leat SOME justice would prevail.

JMHO

WAT

WAT,

I like the way you think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really appreciate your response and everyone else's. Regarding "Step 2," I feel like I either need to put my whole heart and soul into making this work or I need to just go. Part of it is a purely financial decision.

We live in fault divorce state and the judge will be more sympathetic to me in the settlement if I file under "adultery". My H has begged me not to and told me that he will be cooperative if I do not. Right now, I am just working on a property settlement agreement for our separation. If I don't file with fault, we have to wait at least 6 months to file for divorce. Because my husband is terrified of his employer getting involved in an "adultery" fault divorce, he seems willing to give me a better settlement than I would get in court.

If I let him move back in or sleep with him again, then I cannot file under "adultery" and he remains in control of our property. In order to support his career, I gave up an average of $18,000 per year income for the past 5 years of living here (in a small city without much opportunity). He also discouraged me from investing much in retirement, saying he would have enough for both of us because of his great pension and retirement plan.

I want to be covered if we cannot make the marriage work. So, I am torn. I really wanted to have it both ways - get the property settlement agreement signed and then see if we can make the marriage work. But getting it signed involves threats, which are hurting my chances of ever making the marriage work. Maybe I am the one messing up our chances. I just don't want to be left without him and broke.

I agree with WAT, too... especially about a post-nup agreement...

Whatever you decide to do... take your time... be SURE.

And keep reading... there is hope... and you can be a success even if your marriage does not survive...

PS: Also agree with Mulan about the timing of affair... you know, we've seen it time and time again... during life-changing events (death, birth, cancer)... WS's use *this time* to break away... they aren't strong, obviously... and it's a selfish, horrible choice.

AnnMarie,

Listen and process what he says when he is AFRAID. File it for future "ace in the hole" reference. Forgive the poker metaphor but I would be playing all of my legal cards close to the vest.

I am living in a happily recovered marriage for 10 years now. My H's A was EA/PA and it lasted just shy of 2 years. He cut all ties with OW right after D day. THAT , in my opinion, is the ~best~ indicator of which marriage is likely to recover vs those marriages that do not end immediately, but do not fully recover either. Of course there are exceptions ... but my 10 year recovery , in my opinion, is directly a result of my H stopping his affair immediately.

What prompted me to post to you was your choice of the word protective when refering how you feel about your H.

Here's what I know, recovery real recovery, requires respect for each other ... if you do not recover your respect for your WH ~as a man~ ... your love for him will not be enough to recover the marriage to any level of mutual happiness.

A healthy marriage needs respect as much as it needs love.

Feelings of protection will not ever be enough to make a relationship do anything more than limp along.

You did not cause this ... your husband's weakness allowed him to feel entitled to treat you so badly.

Try to plan A for awhile ... as much as he will alow ... living with OW.

or not!

it is PERFECTLY acceptable for you to decide you have a greater chance of happiness without this man.

But learn the lessons you need to learn ~before~ you close this door.

Best of luck

Pep

It is so complicated right now! My H is embarassed and ashamed and at the same time, he continues with angry outbursts directed at me. Or, at least he did, before he quit taking my calls.

Part of the reason I fell in love with my husband is that he seemed like such a genuinely good person. He had such high standards and ethics and morals. Both of us had older parents who taught us old-fashioned values. I really thought he would be dedicated to me for life, the way my dad has been for my mom for 58 years.

By having this affair my H has let himself down, too. He is embarassed for other people to see he is not the man they thought he was. He was always the "good guy" that encouraged his friends to behave better and talked about needing morality in politics. Boy, did he have issues with Bill Clinton's affair!

He has really changed lately, though. When he was being kind to me and sorry (after his girlfriend also dumped him), he told me that he was the one who had changed and that he realized that he had become arrogant towards me and others (he has little patience for other people's imperfections). He said he didn't like it and he wanted to be a better person.

As soon as his girlfriend took him back, however, the discussions started revolving around what I had done wrong. In fact, in a moment of anger, he told me about the affair, "I just wanted to f*** someone who weighs less than I do!" OK, so I have put on some weight, but I only got 10 lbs. heavier than I was when we met. (I've already lost 9 lbs in two weeks from anxiety.) He, on the other hand, become obsessed with his appearance, spending an excessive amound of time on excercise (and thickening his hair, whitenting his teeth, going to the tanning bed, etc.)

I admit, I am not perfect and now I can see where I wasn't meeting all of his EA's. He wasn't meeting mine either and had, in fact, been engaging in many LB's for some time. I just wish he would have told me what was wrong instead of doing this! And, I wish I had tried harder to talk to him.

I do believe he feels bad, but its almost like he has two personalities. He waivers between them, but it doesn't take much to free the "Mr. Hyde" anymore.

AnnMarie,

I think this is very important. Does your WH want to continue a life with OW? It seems that if he doesn't love her and doesn't want children, this course of action will not make him very happy.

Have you asked him or has he told you why he felt the need to cheat? I agree that if he is in the least interested in staying married to you, he needs IC and you both need MC.

I can tell you that if you decide to remain in the marriage, it will be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Recovering from a affair is very hard work and takes the complete dedication of both the WS and the BS.

If you want to stay together, and your WH wants to stay together, then make sure that you both understand what that means. I am talking of NC with OW for life, being a complete and open book with cell phone records, computer passwords and travel.

This is just MVHO, but I wouldn't agree to anything that makes it easy for your WH to simply move on at this time. I certainly would not agree not to expose the affair. If your WH is already feeling guilty, then he is ashamed of his actions and will probably end the affair once it is out in the open.

You have ready enought here to have a fairly good idea of how hard recovery is, so you will have to look to yourself and determine whether or not you think your marriage is worth the tremendous effort it will take.

Who