Every time I try to write about this, I fly off on a rant, so I'll try to keep it short this time.

It was suggested here on the forum that my cleaning up my child's vomit was an act of love . I've always been somewhat pragmatic, so this was a perspective I'd never considered. I think I can see it that way, as an act of love. It's hard for me.

But if I see it that way, then it gives my service a new spin. Suddenly, I can see how most anything that I do for my family can be viewed as a act of love. Doing the laundry. Washing the dishes. Paying the bills. These acts of service are more than "something that has to be done." They become my labor of love.

So after I have developed a backache from mopping the floors, and my husband then clomps through the house with muddy boots on, should I simply view that as an opportunity to love even more? How about when he goes out to lunch, after I've told him that we need to brown-bag it until payday? How about when he dumps his dirty clothes on the floor, when he knows that it drives me absolutley bonkers? Men went to war for Helen of Troy, and I can't even entice my husband to hang up his wet bath towel!

Is it not all right to allow my head to explode?

Seriously, this has been a point of contention in our marriage since before we were married. When it comes to keeping our house -- and our budget -- clean, I often feel abandoned to fight the battle alone. I've tried everything I can think of to get my point across to him. He's an intelligent man, and I think he understands the point. He just doesn't care. It's come down to a power struggle, and my resentment runs so deep, I don't know if I can even see the real problem.

This is a common problem.

Look, keeping a house clean is not an act of love. Not at least to your H. You clean your house because you like to keep your house clean. Do NOT do it for your H, because from the sound of it, he does not care about the cleanliness of your house as much as you do.

Actually, since having a clean house is so important to you, he should make an effort to keep it clean. So do not let him get away with dumping his dirty clothes on the floor, dragging his muddy shoes through the house, or hanging up his wet towel. Make a big stink, right away. Do not waiver. He needs to know your boundaries. Be consistent and vocal. Do not be coy about it. Do not be afraid to tell this to him when he is busy, or call him up at work about it, or wake him up about it; he is wrong and you are right. He'll soon start to hang his towels up as a habit.

However, you need to pick what is important to you, and concentrate on those. Obviously you should not go postal for every little thing because he is not capable of living up to your standard of cleaniliness. It would be frustrating for you and for him if you try to make him to be a perfect husband. And it is unfair to him to expect him to keep the house as well as you do. It would be a lose-lose proposition for both of you. Pick your top 5 or so boundaries which you do not ever want him to cross (e.g. no outside shoe in the house or no outside shoes on the upstairs floors, dirty clothes goes into the hamper, hang up the wet towel, etc.), and lay off the rest. You want to concetrate your effort. If you lay it on him in other areas as well, that will simply dilute your communication.

The point is that you may be right that he just does not care about keeping the house as neet as you'd like it, but he should care about stopping doing things that drive you crazy. Do not approach it as "I want you to hang up your towel because the house needs to be clean", but "I want you to hang up your towel because having a clean house is important to me." The former invites a debate (it is unfair to him that HE should live up to YOUR standards; his view that it is OK to bring dirty shoes as just as valid as yours), but the latter really does not give him anyplace to go.

Good luck!

Thank you for your response. I was actually surprised to see one.

Thru the years, I have learned to pick my battles. When it comes to these types of issues, I've about given up. It drives me crazy, but is it really worth the screaming? Now that the kids are older, his idea of helping is yelling at them to do the cleaning. This is not acceptable, either. After all, when they see Daddy dumping his clothes on the floor, why shouldn't they be allowed to, too?

But I know what you're about to say...if it drives me crazy, then it's important, because it's hurting our marriage.

As far as kids go, our attitude is that they are an integral part of our family. Neither my W nor I do any chore which can be done by one of our kids. If they can play with Barbies, they can do put away laundry. My W nor I have not made bed in years; that’s what the 7 yr old is for. Likewise, trash is done by our son. I do not pick up my dirty laundry off the ground; I expect our 4-yr old to keep our bedroom and all of the other bedrooms free of dirty laundry.

I have my chores, W has hers, they have theirs. There is no free ride in our household.

I guess the question I have is does your hubby EXPECT for you to keep the house clean?
This is my first time to be a stay at home mom... and it is now EXPECTED that the house should be ready for company at all times... even with a 1 year old and a 6 year old.
My hubby drops his junk, dirty clothes, tracks dirt and then expects me to clean it up... the 6 year old now has the same attitude.... I thought I had tried everything... I tried leaving their stuff where it was until they got around to pickit up... however, should someone stop by, it is me that looks like the pig... she is at home all day and she still has dirty dishes on the table.
My husband is at sea right now... but I have started taking a laundry basket and filling it up with all of the things my son did not pick up... clothes dvd's toys etc. Then I put the basket away and he has to put everything away before he plays watches tv etc. My house looks clean but he still has to do his share... so far it is working... I am happier... and the house is clean....
Lets see if it works with hubby when he gets home.

Well, the way that I see it, is that all members of the household should have about the same level of work and same level of play. What I mean is that he should not watch TV when you are cleaning, and likewise, he should not be working when you are resting. I do not necessarily imply that you need to work and rest at the same times, but there should be some parity.

If he puts in 12 hrs a day working at sea, then you should be able to put in the equivalent amount of time doing your work. If he has a wife who takes care of house for 12 hrs a day, I don't think that there should be that much for him to do. Asking him to share in cleaning bathrooms or doing laundry seems absurd. So yes, I think that he should expect you to keep the house clean, same as you expect him to bring home money. If his time home is too short, I would except you to cook and clean the dishes.

However, making work for your spouse is disrespectful. He should be able to take 10 seconds to off his shoes, so as not to make you 10 minutes of extra work for you. Your time and his time should have the same value.

Cleaning his dishes and doing his laundry -- yes, it would be expected.
Cleaning up tracks of dirt because he does not take off his boots -- no, that should not be expected.

No. You should not filling up basket with his stuff; he should pick it up himself. In any case, you should not pick up anything that your son can pick up. That means that you expect him to pick up stuff after you, after your husband, and after the baby. You have you chores, he has his. Why would you do something around the house that your 6 year old can do? Does not make sense.

As far as keeping his toys picked up, in our household it is very easy. Before our kids leave the house to go to day care or school, or before they go to bed, they are expected to put them away. We have not reminded them in years. The reason is very simple: if I find a toy that is not put away, then I pick it up, and keep it. "Look, since you could not take care of your toy and put it away, I took it, and gave it to another boy/girl who can take care of toys." After crying their hearts out because they lost several of their toys that way, children learned how to pick up the toys relatively easily.

Hi,

I just wanted to tell u my story. My husband expects me to do all the housework. That includes cooking,laying the table, picking up his plate,making his next day sandwitches and cleaning up. The dishes are washed by a maid. The maid comes in 3 times a week and does the cleaning of the floors,dishes etc.

Help in dubai is cheap,i'd like the maid to come in everyday,but,my husband refuses. I pay for the maid anyway,so, its kinda difficult to understand y he is so averse to it?? I dunno y he thinks i need to do all this??

Anyways, i try and do what i can. He throws many parties and socialising seems to be very imp to him. He wants everything right,and screams if u have to go in to get an extra plate or spoon, if one is less. He constantly insults me in front of guests and makes everyone feel that all this partying is his idea and he gets everything organised so well and i am useless.

He even chooses the restaurants and the menu. He involves himself in small matters like which bowls to serve in, what tray to use, i find it suffocating.

We've been married 2 years and he does not want to have children, saying that i am a useless wife and he is in this marriage because he doesn't want to hurt his parents by getting divorced. I do whatever i can do,but, i do like to watch tv, swim,read and do fun things. Cleaning the house is not something i love doing,but,do it for him.

Pls help!

Welcome, Peach, to MarriageBuilders...

Have you found the articles by Dr Harley (links to the top right of your screen?)...about Emotional Needs (ENs)...which include Domestic Support and Family Commitment (FC)?

How about the Policy of Joint Agreement?

Reading the Basic Concepts may give you a better insight into your marriage...

I advise you to start your own thread under the Emotional Needs Forum...you're worth it. More people will get to find you there...

May I ask if what your H is demanding are things culturally acceptable, since you're in Dubai, and would have known this before you married him...and if you are of the same culture, but now find these expectations a source of resentment?

I ask because if you didn't live in Dubai, but the USA, I would be asking you to read The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley...

Actually, I'm asking you to read those, anyway. I think they help no matter what...sure helped me!

What are your personal boundaries? Standards?

Welcome to a life-changing place...your choice to come to MB, if it was like mine, was the best choice I made in my life...I think.

LA

I struggle with these domestic boundaries. I am a single mom w/ two children, three pets, a job, and a house and yard. I am somewhat overwhelmed by all this stuff to take care of.

However, as an aside, I do have one rule that gets followed fairly well. Get your dishes off the table when you finish eating. If you don't clear them off the table, you have nowhere to sit at the next meal.