Hello,

I am a new member and this is my first posting. Greetings all and thankyou for sharing all the stories that you have. It's been very comforting to know that I am not the only one this has happened too. Okay my story...

I have been with my partner for 15 years, I am 37 yrs old and we have been married for 8 years. We have two children alreay 7 & 13.

I found out in Nov last year that H was sending txt's to a girl at work. ( over 50 in that months bill!) I think he actually told me. He said that they were not having an affair just that he really liked her etc. I demanded that he stop it and made him txt her saying that they should stop this and that he loves his wife etc.

We had also just found out that I was 3 months pregnant. I had found this out about 4 days before I got the txt. he swore that he loved me and that he was very sorry this had happened etc. I was very hurt and extremely suspicious but I chose to forgive him etc.

For about 3 months he appeared to be very committed to me and stopped going out etc. Once I noticed that there was a missed call from her which he convinced me he didnt know how it got there etc. My husband has always been very trustworthy and it seemed totally out of character for him to lie about it etc.
Anyway one night I came home and found an email from her claiming her love for him, talking about how she missed his arms around her and how she was looking forward to basically having sex again. I read through all of them and also the ones he had sent her. He stated that he loved her and didnt regret a thing and that he knew they had to break up but it would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do etc. She is also 21 and a party girl.

I was in shock and insisted he move out. He didn't deny any of it and said that he thought he loved her etc. He did lie about the amount of times they had sex, it was twice what he had told me.

Anyway he stayed with his brother and got in contact with her. I don't think that they actually hooked up but contacted each other when ever they wanted to via phone. A couple of weeks later he decided to come back after I convinced him that we could make it work etc. We went to a Pschycologist who discussed Limerance and its addictive effect on people who suffer from it. He said he thought that was the case but it didn't help how he felt. A week later he left me again stating he just had to see her.
When he did he had sex again but by the end of the week, and also by my demanding he finish it or we were through, he broke up with her and came home. He said he chose me over her. She was getting keener on him moving out and her visiting (she lives with her parents!).
He came back, we saw a marriage councillor and over the past 2 months seemed to be getting back on track. He told me that his feelings for her were diminishig and that his feelings for me were increasing also. He convinced me that we wanted to be back together and that a life with me and the kids was what he wanted.
After intense questioning though last week he finally admitted that this was not at all how he felt and that he has been pretening because he couldn't stand to see me hurt and that he honestly belived that sooner or later he would actually feel it. Well it appears he dosent.
I can't believe this. I am in a state of hurt, disbelief and shock.
We decided to stay together to see if he can work through his withdrawl and also because we have a new baby coming in 3 weeks time. My other kids have also been through the mill and are saddened and worried by my constant breakdowns.
We have slept seperate the last few nights and apon discussion this morning he is saying how this feels better because we don't have to pretend anymore. Meaning among other things- he dosent have to pretend to love me. This killed me of course because I am doing the very opposite. Trying to hide my grief and trauma.Pretending.
Even though in a couple of weeks I am going to have a baby, I don't think I can cope with it. It all seems so futile. He says he dosent want me and he dosent even know if he wants to live a famiy life anymore either. He wasts to be free and able to make his own decisions. For the sake of our marriage and the knowledge that he may eventually come round and see what a huge mistake he has made, I have thought I could handle it.

I can't. It hurts too much and it's too demeanig for me.

I need some help here. Also from WS ( is that wayward spouses?) as it would help to here it from your angle. I am also not very 'down' with the abbreviations, so maybe you could keep the language simple.

Sorry to post such a long winded message! Thanks and good luck to all of us!

Wren

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You might want to post on General Questions because it gets more traffic than this area.

You'll get some good help there.

HI I here the same things that you are saying in many of the other posts, Have you read surviving an Affiar on top of all the nesting that you are doing? SMILE

I am writing to let you know that everything that he has said sounds like he is in a fog. YOu need to set some limits for yourself and follow through them.

Are you in plan B- if so try not to contact him and seek a counselor ASAP! Many of your thoughts are not rationale as your feelings of grief and your mommmy brain are taking over. I know I couldn't even drive car when I was that far along.

Take care of yourself and rely on family, friends, neighbors, and your kids to help you. Your baby need you more now than anyone. The stress hormone that you are releasing are not good for the baby. But by relaxing this will help.

I know how do I relax when @%@^%^#%& XYZ are all going on? DO your best that is all you can do.

MAny people I see have read your post and not responded. I hope that others wil give you there ideas as that will help. ALso posting on the General Q board will help.

Let me tell you if you are upset about your H coming back, know that things with the OW will probaly not work as she is very young and probaly fickle. Secondly if you follow plan B while he is gone, I think (just my opinion) that he will come back if not for you for his family. If he doesn't see a reason to come back at least for the kids wait and he will. Most men who leave feel badly for what they have done (my former MC said that).

Good Luck and I do hope that what I have said helps you. If not you can always ignore my post!

Wrenfriend,
Your story sounds so similar to stories which are in Dr. Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs". Couples seem to fall out of love... but actually what is going in is that the frustrations within the relationship are outweighing the positives. Sometimes this is true for both H and W, but other times only one has reached the point of having a negative "Love Bank" balance. There are ways to change the situation, which he covers very well in the book. If you haven't already grabbed a copy... do. It will give you new perspectives on how to handle the problems you are dealing with in your marriage. It will NOT be easy, but you seem to have a desire to see things work out. I wish you the best. Stand strong, and God Bless.