((( Healing )))

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are strong and getting stronger. I am very sorry to say this ~ but your WH is incapable of feeing anything for you right now... He couldn't even if he wanted to. Try, try try not to think about how this all makes him feel.... remember he is an alien.. not one of us !!

Moving to VA is such a good idea. It will free you up alot, plus you will be near your babies. They will make you smile.

Sending prayers up for you.

Carnation

Cha Cha,

His stuff is laying in whatever room I found it in. I did not pack anything for him. I refuse to pack it for him, I packed everything else when he first moved out, trying to do plana you know..... No more planA here he can pack his own crap.

No he is not moving into the house, my SIL is buying the house and moving in. She already has started working on things here. Trying to fix things he never did or things he started and never finished. She has her work cut out for her thats for sure. Her and her H have already done a lot in the yard, cutting down trees and pulling stuff up. Needless to say when WH saw that he went nuts, saying how come they are cutting down his trees and things. They told him you left it does not belong to you anymore. He has been trying to tell them things they should do to the house, things he wanted to do and they told him its ours now we will do it our way. So he is not liking it but he is not willing to do anything to change it, he still wants to be with the HO. So now he gets to watch everything he ever had be gone for her. All he has is his own personal stuff and the bar from the house thats all he wanted.... he also has my son the one thing that means the most to me as do all of my kids. I just pray one day DS will see how wrong this all is and come home to me. In the meantime I keep living for me.....

Hurting

Carnation,

I know he feels nothing for me now, and he probably never will again. Its something I have to face. But in the long run its his loss and he has to live with it.....

I have sat back and tried to see if he ever really did care or love me. Was all of our 25 years a lie. I can't imagine it was I remember the good times and the bad ones as well. He did love me once I believe but obviously not enough...


Hurting

Hi Hurting,

I am so very sorry about the mess you are in. This is soooo very much to deal with in such a short period of time, it can bring down the strongest of us.

Just remember that he did love you. Those feelings don't stop on a dime, they just get buried. Divorce brings out so much anger and pain, it covers everything else. Do not let him take away your self worth. You were married, you had a good life, and you loved each other. He had a crisis that spun out of control and did not have the emotional tools or maturity to handle it in a proper manner. That does not erase all that came before.

I hope you can look at your life in VA as a new beginning. Try to visualize how you want your life to be and believe it can happen. Remember, this is a major life trauma, you are going to need a lot of time to heal from it.

Hugs.
S.

Well said, Shattered. You sound just like my counselor. She said this to me many times, almost word for word. It's so hard to accept sometimes, though.

Hurting, you're going to make it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hurting---i've followed your story , and I think you will be much better when you move to VA, and not around all the reminders of your WS. Possibly your DS may even want to move to moms, when he realizes you are not just "round the corner".
just my 2 cents, keep up your good work...

Hi Hurting...

Just thinking of you.....

Wish I could be there somehow to help....

...wish I could give you a REAL hug......

I know you will be OK....you got a lot to handle all at once.... and as the saying goes 'you're still standing'

I am proud of you!

Thanks guys for the encouragement. I am doing ok, had some hard days packing up everything. Little reminders of our life popping up when i least expected it. I guess the hardest day was packing up the wedding momentos' the dress, the pictures and all that went with it. I pakcked it all I am just not ready to get rid of it all yet. The pictures will go to my kids one day, the rest will be gone when I am emotionally ready.

I still have a small sliver of hope he will one day wake up and see what he has done.

I know the move to Va. is the best thing I can do. it gets me away from the reminders and the A being in my face daily. I am hoping DS will one day want to be with me again. I do miss him so much. Today is his 16th birthday. Not sure what the d ay will bring but I am trying to get ahold of him so far no luck.......

Hurting

I have got to add my two cents worth here. Forgive me in advance if I come across as harsh. I have been biting my tongue, but I just feel like I have to speak up, just once.

Hurting - you have no business packing up your stuff and moving to VA, so far away from your 16 year old son.

I understand your desire to get away from your WH, the OW, and the constant reminders of the A. We all understand that.

But you do not have the luxury of escaping from it. You have a 16-year-old boy who needs you.

I know he is not living with you right now - I understand that.
But that boy needs his Mom to be close by. He has been through enough crap all ready in his life. He is lost, scared, and trying to make sense of this all. Through that he has made a choice to stay with his dad. Not a good choice, but that is his choice for now. Things will fall apart over there, and he will have times when he will need his mom, close by, at a moments notice. And where will his Mom be? Will you be able to buy him a plane ticket anytime he needs it?
Can you run over and pick him up for dinner, just to chat? Will you be able to attend his school functions?

I am sorry to be so blunt, but I just had to speak up. Your son needs a hero right now. His dad is not going to step up – so who will? Who will put aside their own personal desires for the next couple of years, and put him first, until he has finished high school. Right now you have made him feel like the only way he can be with his Mom is if he moves to VA – completely away from everyone and everything that is currently familiar to him.
And if he won’t go with you? Then he loses his Mom?

Dear Woman of Faith,

In defense of hurting, she needs the support of her family, who happen to not live where her WS, OW, and son are.

She has gone through a tremendous amount, her son knows her door is open and he is welcome to come live with her at any time. It was her son's choice.

She needs this to heal, and find comfort and support with family.

I find it very judgemental of you to attack her ability to parent, based on this.

Respectfully,
k.d.'s heartbreak

Woman of Faith,

its been hard enough for me to make this decision about moving away from here. Do you not think i have thought of all these things already.

You have no idea how I have struggled with this.... Just the thought of leaving my DS makes me feel like a failure.

But after a lot of soul searching and praying I came to the conclusion this is what I have to do for me. As much as I love my son I can't stay here and allow myself to become depressed and afraid to go out of the house for fear of seeing the OW and my WH together. What kind of good mother can I be if that becomes a way of life for me. I walk around now everywhere i go looking ahead and over my shoulder for sightings so I can go the other way.

I have spoken to my DS and have explained to him why I am movng, he knows he can come to me anytime he chooses. He knows i love him and i want to be a good mom to him. I can't be a productive and happy mom lving here anymore.

Not only that my DS does nt call me or take my calls. He has been gone over two months now and I have seen him a total of 4 times. Not by my choice his..... I leave VM'S to him saying I love him and miss him. What else can I do.

I have no family here except for my DS and DD, I need my family right now. I know my in-laws have stood besdie me and supported me throughout this mess but ya know what??? It can and only will last for so long. Once those papers are signed I am no longer family to them. I am not saying they would turn against me but my WH is their brother and son and at some point in time they will forgive him and welcome him back into the fold.

I don't need to be reminded that leaving my DS is not the best thing for him, I already know that. This may sound selfish but right now i have to think of my well being and my sanity. And leaving here is the only way to save both. Staying here will do nothing but drag me down, and I won't be much of a mom then at all.

And not to worry if/when DS wants to come to me he will and I will do whatever needs to be done to get him there.

Thanks for making me feel worse than I already do ......


Hurting

WOF, sometimes things must be done that just are painful. And imho Hurting has agonzed over this decision and she has stood strong on HER principles.

And WOF, her son CHOSE to ignore this and moved in with his WF. THis is the consequences of HIS actions. And as you know form personal experieinece with your own son, somtimes you MUST let them fall.

THis was NOT done lightly and HUrting is dong what SHE beleives in and what SHE needs to heal.

AND her DS KNOWS where she is and that he was welcome. THis is HIS choice.

HUrting my prayers go with you. YOu have been a shining example of strength and faith.

All Blessings to you.

right on okla,

You have to make the best decision you can in the tough circumstances that you have.

Your son knows the way home. You have done all you can. Not only has your WS left, he has manipulated your DD and DS to be with him.

This is because he was never there except for the good times, you always, and I mean ALWAYS, held down the fort. You did the discipline, you did it all while your STBX was GONE. You did the best you could, and you have done very well.

You know, I have never seen such a good woman as you, that has done EVERYTHING, and had everyone kick you in the teeth for it.

I stand by you, and I know this is so very hard. You needneedneed to get away from this.

If your kids think your STBX is all about that then let them have him. This man is so full of self entitlement that I could just throw up this minute.

Okay, done with the vent.

You need to be in a place where you are loved and protected.

No one, and I mean no one has protected you or respected what you needed in plan B. From your kids to your MIL, SIL, etc.

You need to be with your family and protected from every little detail that your kids, MIL and SIL have been so forthcoming with and have NOT respected your wishes not to hear it all.

I know you have prayed about this and the Lord wants you to move on. It may be (or not) the only thing that gets thru that fog and pride of your STBX.

I think you are well rid of him, and everyone that thinks he is all that, when you have done all you could and no one ever gave you a chance.

However, God Bless your MIL.

I am for you. God is for you. How DARE yor STBX do this to you and your kids. I don't understand why this man has such power over your kids, but let him have it.

YOU ARE WORTHY. Don't forget it.

Prayers for you, okla, you know we are here for you. God Bless.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. can you tell I am a little angry with your whole family? I have always tried so hard not to dj anyone here, or their spouses/family. Sorry if I offended anyone here. LOL. I love you ALL.

hurting--don't let w.o.f.'s comments bring you down. You are doing so good now. As far as DS I can't imagine what you must be feeling regarding your move etc.
Your son is 16, it's not like you can force him to do anything at this age, sometimes they will have to see what the real picture is. I truly believe his father will not be able to step up to the plate, after you move, and your son will perhaps see this and choose to "go back you "
In my situation I did the very same thing, I moved away from all the "crap and daily reminders". I told my DD (who was living with me) of my plans and what I felt was best for her, she did move with me. And on visits back to her mom's she saw what her daily life would have been if she had stayed. She may eventually go back after she graduates next year, but for now, at least she can be a kid and enjoy life.
All you can do is let him know you love him and that you will make arrangements for him to come live with you, if he needs to leave there.
Just hang in there and stay the course...

K.D., F.A. , MissM and Big,

Thanks to all of you for your support.

As I said before this decision was not made lightly. It was very hard for me.

I know I can't continue living in this nightmare as it will do nothing but bring me more pain and i can't be a good mom living like that.

I also know there is a risk involved with my DS, but I truly believe in time he will see and understand why things had to be done this way.

The love and support from all of you means so very much to me..... Thank you


Hurting

Don't doubt yourself for one minute....You have been a great Mom....one of the best lessons a Mom can teach is a boundary. Tough love>>>XYZ is not acceptable. your DD & DS did all kinds of acting because of WH...its time for them to deal with eachother and the consequences of their actions.

You have been loving and compassionate. You have made your position clear.Stick to it in good conscience.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

thanks ChaCha I appreciate your thoughts.

I was reading my horoscope for the day and it really fits.

Capricorn

Saying goodbye to someone you love (or letting go of something that was once precious in your life) is just a part of living. If you need to say goodbye, treat it like a celebration! After all, you are moving into a different phase of your life -- new experiences will soon feed your intellectual curiosity and give you the level of satisfaction you've been seeking. As your wisdom and maturity grow, so will your appreciation for the people in your past.

I am moving on to a new phase of my life. Not one I asked for but one that has been imposed upon me. I have to make the best of it and I will.....

Hurting

Your horoscope fits perfectly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />