Discovered 3 days ago that affair has been continuing and progressed. He has been open to my questions. I was preparing to expose to OW H, but my WH told me yesterday he has ended the personal side of their relationship (they work in the same bldg). But they will still see each other in passing in the bldg.

I believe him that he has ended the personal side. BUT I've done enough reading here to know it might not stay ended. He admitted that he may not have made it clear to OW that it has ended personally. Do I continue with my plans for exposure? Or do I try to trust him? I doubt that I'll be able to trust her to honor his decision.

What next?

Expose Expose Expose!

Do not afford them the chance to re-ignite.

Send a call out to Melodylane for exposure techniques.

Good Luck!

Would YOU want to know if you were in OWH's shoes?

He needs to know for himself....she's surely not going to fess up to him.

West:

I'm not familiar with your situation.

However, if your H's affair was ongoing 3 days ago, I would definitely not believe him when he says that the A has ended. He probably is trying to convince you not to expose to the OW's H. The OW's H has every right to know about the A and such exposure is absolutely necessary to bring a true end to the A.

Also, if the A has in fact ended (which I doubt), he should be more than willing to write and send a NC letter to the OW and his life should be made an open book to you.



This SOUNDS like Bull crap to me....In order for the affair to actually end, he has to NEVER see her or TALK to her again in his lifetime. It would mean for him or her to find a new job so they would not have to see each other in passing...

Otherwise, his attraction to her will continue..even if he in not having contact with her now..the contact is likely to resume if he is around her at all...

Expose it to OW's H. Period.

EVEN IF - and this is a HUGE if - he has ended the "personal side" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ([sarcasm] is there an impersonal side to an affair? [/sarcasm]) you need to tell OW's H anyway.

The reason for this is twofold: she has a right to know and exposing to her may help prevent relapses.

WAT

Let me clarify.

They work in the same bldg, occasionally need to work together briefly, but their contact was primarily during breaks and lunches. So, according to WH, he has ended the affair, or the personal side of their relationship as opposed to the professional, working side. He has told me he will tell me everything that happens during his day including any contact with her, and he will answer any questions I have.

What he told me he said to her was that he couldn't "continue in this capacity" and he would not be emailing her. He got irritated when I asked him if he clearly told her it was over.

Also, she will be away from work next week for two weeks, back for one, then gone again for six weeks. So it's not like she's going to be in his face.

Wcoast - I just exposed 8 days ago. I too was worried that EA was over, why do it etc. Took me weeks to decide to do it - so, finally (last Monday), I told OMW.

I can't tell you how glad I am I did it.

It was still going on to a certain extent even though W had lied to me for 2 mos. that it wasn't (don't believe anything they say - "if their lips are moving, they're lying"

Please listen to all these people. I never would have done it if people on this Board hadn't convinced me to do it - and it appears I was one of the harder ones to convince.

There is a lot of advice on my thread from lots of people on here - and you can see all the stupid things I was saying to talk myself out of it - it's "Need Support ASAP...."

From my perspective, the sooner you do it the better.

Your very next conversation on this with him should include asking him to write a no contact letter to her.

You will review it and you will mail it/click the send button.

You will send a copy to her husband.

This letter will clearly state his recognition of making a huge mistake conducting an affair with her and state his commitment to his wife (you). No non-business contact will be tolerated as long as they both work in the same location.

Please do not underestimate the necessity for the NC letter and for notifying the OW's husband.

You don't want to go through this again, do you?

WAT

Amen to WAT! Listen to us, West. We've seen this and lived this.



The nature of a WS. He will lie, lie, lie to you with a straight face and as a BS you will want to believe him.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that a WS can ONLY have a PROFESSIONAL relationship with an OP. Do not buy this at all. It is a MYTH!!!



The "irritation" indicates continuation of the affair. He should be more than willing and eager to tell you, her and anybody else that it is OVER with her FOREVER and EVER. Don't buy what he is telling you. He's following the standard script of the alien WS.

The sign of his sincerity and the actual ending of his A will be the NC letter and his being agreeable to EXPOSURE. Whether he is agreeable or not, do it. OPENNESS and HONESTY is necessary and essential in your marriage from now on in order to prevent another affair IF this one has ended-which we are doubting.



West, it is not necessary for her to "be in his face" for there to be ongoing contact and continued lighting the flames of this affair. There are cellphone calls and E-mails which can sustain the emotional part of their relationship.

Sorry, West.

We are wanting to help you bring an end to this. Buying what he is telling you serves to enable the affair.

Let me ask you a question, WCG. If a supposedly recovering alcoholic told you that they were only going to have "WORK" drinks would that suffice? Do you imagine for one second this person could recover while having drinks but calling it something else?

Of course not, because a drink is a drink. Just as CONTACT IS CONTACT. He can call it "professional" or he can call it a baloney sandwich, IT IS STILL CONTACT. And he is STILL IN THE AFFAIR as long as they have ANY CONTACT.

Let me assure you that NOTHING WILL EVER change here until contact ends. Until contact ends, the affair is ON. Calling his affair "professional" is the OLDEST trick in the book and we see it here alot. Don't fall for it.

Nothing short of complete no contact will suffice. You already KNOW that it doesn't work. And nothing will change until you expose this affair.

Go forward and expose, WCG, lest you will have the same problem for another few years.

Being close to an individual you had an affair with is like keeping gasoline next to a fire. There might be a container around the gas, but it's not going to keep the explosion held back forever. Suddenly it's going to ignite and it will be too late.

I have had enough affairs of my own to tell you that you can't believe someone can just set aside their feelings and pretend they aren't there. They can't work near each other and see each other and not be tempted. Eventually whatever feelings they had will come back. There needs to be extra measures in place to prevent the fires from ever being rekindled and that includes letting the OW's husband know and if necessary letting the work HR know.

You're right. First day of "end of affair", they're still spending breaks together. Sure, WH is open and honest about it.

What I need is to expose to OW's H. And I'm having difficulty contacting him. I want a work number or to catch him at home with her not home. HAsn't worked so far. No answer. I don't know his command.

I'm feeling frustrated and discouraged.

If you need assistance with military info, check my profile, and email me at that address.

I assume this means he's military?

Are either your H or OW military as well? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

If so, this gives you a HUGE advantage and tools not available to non (US) military types.

WAT

WCG, go ahead and expose them at work too. When you call the OWH, be sure and disguise your # so she doesn't see it and get a forewarning. If she is forewarned, she will spin the story herself with you starring as the "jealous nut."

You may be able to call the chaplain on base, explain what is happening, and get a message to the OM to call you.

Thank you believer. I was thinking of that but didnt know if it would work.

OW's H is military and they live on base. My DWH is a civilian who works on a different base.

I'm so afraid I won't be able to get to OW H before they leave for a 2 wk out of country assignment. They leave Fri.

I will try the chaplain angle. But I welcome any other suggestions?

Someone mentioned other options and that it was a good thing there was a military tie. Can you explain?

Thank you.

Who leaves Fri.?

The military angle is that US military personel are bound by the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which explicitly prohibits adultery. On paper, they can be hung out to dry. I know this exists, but others here have direct and better knowledge. If neither your H nor OW are military, there is no angle here for you.

WAT

OW and OW's H leave Fri for an out of country assignment (2 wks). OW H is in military; she is a military wife.

My DWH and I are not military. DWH is a civilian working on base.

Does the Uniform Code apply then?

No. Only to the military member, so it won't help you.