I am new here. My name is Debra. My husband left me February 10. Another woman is involved. We are both in a second marriage. No kids together but we had 5 between us. We would be married 4 years in July. I am older by 4 years. He is 38. He took a job back in August where he had to live in a camper at a job site. He works for an oil company and he watches wells. That was the start of the downfall. When he decided to take the job I told him I did not think he should, even though the money is great, but it would be hard on our marriage. Second marriage, 5 kids...all teens, we have full custody of all 5. So he takes it anyway. I stay at home with 5 kids 24/7 so he can do this job that is suppose to "help us". Come to find out he is going to boats and gambling, talking to woman over phone because I don't listen and she does. Caught him getting in truck one night with ugly fat woman! He claimed was a girl he was checking out for his best friend who lives out of town and had met on net. I buy..of course. I deal with that...then deal with phone calls. Confront the fat woman and she tells me husband was buying an 8 ball from her that night. That he is doing drugs..etc..etc.. Confront husband, denies. I don't have a clue about 8 balls or drugs. I decided to stick it out..next thing I know he is telling me he is moving out, its all my fault because I am too critical (perfectionist tendancy) blah, blah,blah...anyway its my fault and has nothing to do with betrayal on his part.

So he moves out, but 5 days later he wants to know if we can work this out, I say yes, I go to his camper, help him do some cleaning, look in medicine cabinet and find bottle of KY. Its not mine. He is evasive about it. I leave, tell him not working this out. (I am trying to condense this is why the sentences are not complete) We keep talking and are moving towards getting back together, but when I confront him about what we are doing he says I guess i don't know. So I tell him to stay out of my life. We don't talk for awhile then out of blue he calls me. For 2 weeks we talk everyday and we see each other 5 times, but I can tell he is still seeing someone. (we had no sex during the times we saw each other) we just hanged out and had fun. I find out last week that he has given my old cell phone with my cell phone number that I had since we got married to a girl! I let him know I know and think...he won't be calling. 5 days later he calls wants to borrow something, comes over gets what he needs. Calls back to borrow something else, comes back and gets that. Last night finally I tell him, I still love him, but since he does not return that and he is seeing someone else, I don't want to see or talk to him, its to painful. I told him seeing someone was wrong because seperated or not we are still married. He says "Ok, but if you want to talk about anything I am here."...

So whats going on with him and why am I so pathetic. I won't see an attorney, even though he told me in March that he had gotten a paycheck for $15,000...and I am barely making it. I have that perfectionist personality and I see black/white, right/wrong, and I can't help but believe that I am doing the wrong thing in God's eyes if I take him to court, because it talks in the Bible about not settling matters in court. I want the marriage to work, but I can't just tell him its wrong and then condone it with my actions.

I need some advice. I need a kick in the butt. I need something. A point of view that is not biased.

Thanks
Debra

dear butterfly...

an unfortunate welcome to you...but are glad you "here" if you have to be 'here' at this time in your life...

start reading the site...

it's all about decreasing the emotional chaos...
and getting as good as control as you can over you and the emotions, stress and chaos you are living and feeling...

conversations on your end need to be as concise and calm as you can manage....

you need to speak a language of love AND boundaries...

Mark...
we have five children in this home..all who have been through a terrible loss already...
we are the grown ups....and they need us to be able to work this out together so as not to visit them again with the pain and chaos of stupid grownup crap....

I also am very very concerned about you..
I am concerned that you are engaging in activities of drug use that is very very dangerous for you....

quit using the word LOVE on someone who has NO idea what that word means at this time in his life....

wrap your brain around the thought that you can not change or control him..

listen to his complaints about you being controling and see if you can see any areas of validating them and removing them on your end...

Wayward spouses (WS) use the most insane rationales to justify their behavior...

betrayed spouses (BS) work dilegintly at remvoing these barriers of false blame...stripping the WS down to the responsibility of their choices and actions.....

this site will help you focus...
is he seeing his own dayum children at all....
does he expect you to be his babysitter while he stays away.....

(this is not to deny the great honor you have of having the children...you are blessed that they are with you...)
but what is his as we say around fogged up thinking that you will watch while he plays...

ARK^^

Ark

What happened with his children (he has 2, I have 3, second marriage for both) he gave his children to his ex whom we went to court and spent $10000 to fight for just so he could turn around a year later and do the exact things he claimed in court she did and was unfit, while he was the stable one, who had been with the same woman, while she flitted around from man to man and offered no stability! I don't find that I have the opportunity to say much to him and can say the things that are recommended as his only reaction is oh well, he is over me and does not care about an ultimatum. Ultimatums don't have an effect. If I want him to do something he will do the opposite just because I want it.

I really need the emotional stability, really need it. I will research the site and hopefully find help. I called him back today and left messages again about not seeing him, because yesterday I told him I would not see him anymore because it hurt too much, I am always afraid to be honest, so today I called back and told him (nicely) that the real reason is because he is seeing her and wanting to see me and I would not be the little wife sitting here waiting while he did his thing with her. I told him I was not angry, but disappointed with his choices of absolving himself from responsibility with me financially...thats the short version of what I said.

good butterfly...

read about plan A

read peps the carrot and the stick of plan a post...
it's on just found out...

ARK

ark, what does its on just found out...mean?

under main index on the top of this page you will find all kinds of different boards..

one is a support board for those who like you just found out about their spouses affair...

ARK