Hello,

I am a new member and this is my first posting. Greetings all and thankyou for sharing all the stories that you have. It's been very comforting to know that I am not the only one this has happened too. Okay my story...

I have been with my partner for 15 years, I am 37 yrs old and we have been married for 8 years. We have two children alreay 7 & 13.

I found out in Nov last year that H was sending txt's to a girl at work. ( over 50 in that months bill!) I think he actually told me. He said that they were not having an affair just that he really liked her etc. I demanded that he stop it and made him txt her saying that they should stop this and that he loves his wife etc.

We had also just found out that I was 3 months pregnant. I had found this out about 4 days before I got the txt. he swore that he loved me and that he was very sorry this had happened etc. I was very hurt and extremely suspicious but I chose to forgive him etc.

For about 3 months he appeared to be very committed to me and stopped going out etc. Once I noticed that there was a missed call from her which he convinced me he didnt know how it got there etc. My husband has always been very trustworthy and it seemed totally out of character for him to lie about it etc.
Anyway one night I came home and found an email from her claiming her love for him, talking about how she missed his arms around her and how she was looking forward to basically having sex again. I read through all of them and also the ones he had sent her. He stated that he loved her and didnt regret a thing and that he knew they had to break up but it would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do etc. She is also 21 and a party girl.

I was in shock and insisted he move out. He didn't deny any of it and said that he thought he loved her etc. He did lie about the amount of times they had sex, it was twice what he had told me.

Anyway he stayed with his brother and got in contact with her. I don't think that they actually hooked up but contacted each other when ever they wanted to via phone. A couple of weeks later he decided to come back after I convinced him that we could make it work etc. We went to a Pschycologist who discussed Limerance and its addictive effect on people who suffer from it. He said he thought that was the case but it didn't help how he felt. A week later he left me again stating he just had to see her.
When he did he had sex again but by the end of the week, and also by my demanding he finish it or we were through, he broke up with her and came home. He said he chose me over her. She was getting keener on him moving out and her visiting (she lives with her parents!).
He came back, we saw a marriage councillor and over the past 2 months seemed to be getting back on track. He told me that his feelings for her were diminishig and that his feelings for me were increasing also. He convinced me that we wanted to be back together and that a life with me and the kids was what he wanted.
After intense questioning though last week he finally admitted that this was not at all how he felt and that he has been pretening because he couldn't stand to see me hurt and that he honestly belived that sooner or later he would actually feel it. Well it appears he dosent.
I can't believe this. I am in a state of hurt, disbelief and shock.
We decided to stay together to see if he can work through his withdrawl and also because we have a new baby coming in 3 weeks time. My other kids have also been through the mill and are saddened and worried by my constant breakdowns.
We have slept seperate the last few nights and apon discussion this morning he is saying how this feels better because we don't have to pretend anymore. Meaning among other things- he dosent have to pretend to love me. This killed me of course because I am doing the very opposite. Trying to hide my grief and trauma.Pretending.
Even though in a couple of weeks I am going to have a baby, I don't think I can cope with it. It all seems so futile. He says he dosent want me and he dosent even know if he wants to live a famiy life anymore either. He wasts to be free and able to make his own decisions. For the sake of our marriage and the knowledge that he may eventually come round and see what a huge mistake he has made, I have thought I could handle it.

I can't. It hurts too much and it's too demeanig for me.

I need some help here. Also from WS ( is that wayward spouses?) as it would help to here it from your angle. I am also not very 'down' with the abbreviations, so maybe you could keep the language simple.

Sorry to post such a long winded message! Thanks and good luck to all of us!

Wren

Geez....
Sorry you find yourself here Wrenfriend. Believe it or not, there is a lot of hope for your marriage. I'm not an expert and am in a similar situation to you regarding "pretending". One thing I can say is try not to take anything your husband says right now too personally. It's not a reflection on you, it is an indication of his state of mind.(Read what others have said about "the fog") This hurts, believe me, I know. Keep checking here and others will come along who are in a better position to advise you.
Peace

Wren,

I'm sorry to hear about his and being so close to delivery has to be adding to your stress. The fog is so powerful and you will find many wonderful stories on here to help you through this time. The fog seems to steal the person you knew and replace them with a stranger.

I remember my ex telling me years after our divorce that if they had just been smart enough to "let the affair play out" they would still be with their respective spouses. Just goes to show you how powerful the fog is, but it doesn't make you feel any better in the meantime.

You are not alone and are in my thoughts. Please continue to stick with the message board. You will get lots of help and advice.

Chin up - we've had several women here in your same position, and most are back happily with their husbands. Have you exposed the affair to her parents and others?

What an [censored].

Yep, ditto believer, squeal to her parents. "Just wanted you to know that your daughter is having an affair with my husband and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. I also have two other small children. What's your daughter's attorney's name?"

Yes, he is in the fog, and deep! You MUST expose to her parents first. If this does not help are there any other family members who would give him a dose of reality here? Other than that, please read all you can on this website about the Plans and affairs, read Surviving an Affair by Harley and also Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It can help to calm you down to see that he is really following the WS script to a "T" My FWH used to say that we were just too different to be married, he didn't love me how a man should love his W and on and on and on. We went through a very difficult time and are truly in recovery now. He can hardly stand to think about the things he said and did back then and our marriage is much improved overall. By the way, he started his A when we were trying to get pregnant via IVF and was with her after our child was born! So, recovery is possible. Try to take care of yourself and the baby first of all. Get help thru books and this forum. You may want to do phone counseling with one of the Harley's. They helped me tremendously.

Wren, just so you know you are not alone this is a quote from Dave Carder author of Torn Assunder

Thanks to you all for taking the time to offer advice and understanding. I think that Oceangirl and Lostherlove68 both have offered advice on the 'Fog Factor' and I think ( and hope) that it is spot on. Thanks.
Also I think it remarkable that afew of you were so quick to pick up on telling her parents about what kind of a daughter they have. Funny you suggest it, cause I did it when I first found out that there was an actual A, and that she was lying to me when I asked her if anything was going on. I called her then.
I spoke to her uncle because I wasnt sure if I was going to be able to contact her parents. I told him and after I called him, He called his neice etc. OW freaked out and left work to rush home and get first word in with parents cause she knew I would be calling when I did.
When I introduced myself to her father he was defiantly prepared and quite aggressive towards me etc. He was saying things like " Yes I have spoken to my daughter and she has told me that your husband is just a friend and that he wants more than that and keeps calling her etc. This is not the behaviour of the daughter I know.,..."

It was very sad to hear a father in compete denial and also he seemed like a decent person.

I told him that he should speak to her again and this time watch her face very clearly, because when she denied anything ever happened she would be wearing her lying face. This upset him.
Anyway, after this my H spoke to her ( this was in our seperation period when they were calling each other all the time) and she bascially boasted how she had successfully lied to her father and that everything was cool. This pi$$ed off my H because he felt it unfair that he suffer the repercussions with his family and friends and that she got off scott free. This was the first time he started to question the person she really was.
You'll be pleased to know that eventually her father found out and she got what she deserved.He killed her. Just Kidding!! Still got a sence of humour at the very least.

Anyway, since posting this first message there has been some positive progress. Firstly my H read the posting and then starting reading other postings to discover what a classic case this was. He seems to be abit more on track, and we had a very lengthy conversation last night and it was more like the H that I know. This site is invaluable! I think my H is thinking abit clearer today, but who knows how long this will last hey?

Thanks again everyone, and thanks to Coacheswife who redirected me to this area of the forum.

I will let you know how things are and feel very cared for by you lot. Okay, group hug people!

Man...what a difference a day makes.

Welcome MR. and Mrs. Wrenfriend;

Since you got your husband reading here why not have him try posting too? Both my wife and I post. We've spent a lot of time here this past year (in fact today is our 1 year since D-Day anniversary). By reading and posting here we have been able to process much individually and as a couple within the safe confines of this website. We didn't necessarily have a lot of threads discussing our problems but rather our discussions relating to 3rd party issues assisted us with the recovery process. IMO, this place IS divinely inspired.

Besides it gives you something healthy and fun to do TOGETHER (recreational companionship), it's highly addictive and distracting (it's so tough to tackle everything overnight...recovery is not an event, it is a process thus a healthy distraction you participate in together in beneficial as the clock ticks on your recovery...time really does heal).

Finally, my wife and I listened to Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" on Audio CD. If you don't have the book yet get it in that format and listen to it TOGETHER. Another advantage of this format is you can pause and discuss at appropriate and opportune moments.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

*p.s.- If your husband is interested I have a file I would like to share with HIM only. My email address is below.

Thanks Mr Wondering,

This is Wren, by the way. I love your suggestion for us to both post on this site. It has already helped abit.

Am feeling sadder than only afew hours ago. The thought of going into labour and having this baby under these conditions is heartbreaking. Even through labour I am going to have to be strong etc. I am about to go through such an experience that usually is so bonding and loving. Im sure that in its own way it still will be, but I wont have my "H" with me just some other guy who looks like him. Cant belive i can type and cry at the same time.

I will let him know about your offer for the email. I'm sure he will be glad to get any help you can offer.

Are you feeling any better towards your spouse? Have your limerant feelings left for your OW, or do they still persist.

Thanks for the info on the audio tape. Will look into it. I like the idea that we can both listen to it etc.


Thanks again,

Wren

Wren,

I was the BS. Now I'm just a husband. OM is very very gone. OM is now irrelevant to me and my wife.

This is very important for you to remember though...my wife's OM could have been anybody. Try very hard not to get caught up in the fact he went after some little 21 years girl. His affair was about HIM, not her. She really could have been much more mature than you (can't define old on this site without getting hammered...lol) and really, really ugly. I can bet huge money that she's far less than 50% the woman you are.

My wife and I will be praying for you guys.

W

W

Mr Wondering,

Its lovely to hear that you have had such great success. I think the fact that you still help others on the site is a testimony to what a special person you are.

Yes, its true. I shouldnt get caught up on her age. My H told me afew times that she reminded him of me when I was that age. I was also 21 whem we first got together. According to the councillor its common for men to have affairs with woman who remind them of their wifes.

I am feeling lonely and I miss him. Isnt it odd, missing aomeome who is in the same house as you but seems so far away.

Anyway, thanks again for everything,


Wren

During the A, my H told me she reminded him of me back when we first met. (I resisted the urge to say, "Yeah, before we had three kids, two failed businesses, and a bankruptcy from the last one. Unlike you, at least I'm still being nice, even if I am busy." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />) But she was 2 years older than we are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> So you're right, it really doesn't matter.

Dearest Wren,

I am sorry I havent posted to you sooner, as I am no expert here and dont feel the best suited to offer advice. However I can share what I have been through, and offer support as a friend, and a person that knows hands on where you are at right now.

I was 36 weeks pregnant when I found MB and faced the reality that my WH was having an A. I was in utter devistation, and I too was faced with the facts of giving birth to a beautiful baby while my WH thought of another woman. I had many thoughts of how and why, and praying to my baby for her to stay in utero just a little while longer so that daddy might come out of the fog and back to us. Well that did not happen as my due date rapidly approached. I had a decision to make, could I handle WH being with me in the delivery room, I decided that what I wanted most was to reconcile my marriage, and that in the long run I didnt want to do anything that I would later regret. And I felt that if we are to reconcile, I would not want to have made the decision to have my H miss the birth of his DD, so I decided that I would allow him to be at her birth.

I will be honest, it was not easy to have him there. It was very hard for him to be there and not be the H that I know and love, the H that was there for me completely with our prior 2 children. And all I had was fear becuase I knew that as our baby was coming into my life, my WH was going to be leaving it. 2 weeks after she was born he filled for divorce, and 2 weeks after that he moved out.

I have been diligently working to save my marriage, and get my H back in my life, and kill the A once and for all. It has been a very hard road, and still dont see the end of the road on the horizon. I am at a point now where I am looking to the Plan B phase of the MB program, and still hoping and praying that my WH who has now missed out on 3 months of his babies life will come home.

I do sincerly hope that your WH has completely left his OW and ended all contact with her. I hope that all is well for you and offer all my prayers to you.

((((Wren))))
-Beauty

p.s. You have many wonderfully knowledgeable people posting to you and offering you great advice.

Hello Texas Beauty,

I truly treasure your post and thank you so much for sending it. It should be less common than it appears to be( discovering an A so close to giving birth).
I am truly saddened to hear that your husband still has decided to move out and divorce you. Has he had any inforrmation given to him about the cliche he is living?
I think that you are a remarkable woman to fight so hard and still keep going. I have been thinking though having read many postings from BS, that by letting our WS come and go in our lives, knowing that we will be there for them when and if they desire to return is making it so easy for them to continue with the affairs or the fantasy or both. For my part I am not going to leave the door open for whenever he chooses to return to me. If he eventually does and I am still wanting to reconcile then so be it.
Even though I change my mind alot about it, I think that to not let him in on the labor would be a really nasty thing to do for him, our baby and even me. I dont know whether I could like myself doing such a thing.

I hope things work around for you. Are you aware of any problems he is having with this new woman?

Good luck and please write me if you need someone to talk to. Thanks again so much!

any baby news yet? How are things going?