I feel I am at a crossroads and would like some advice. For those of you who are not familiar with my sitch:

A month ago, WW told me that she was confused. I learned that she had feelings for OM. We spent the better part of a week and a half away from each other at our own parents' houses. She moved out last week. I discovered for the past year she has been flirting/talking on the phone/going to occasional lunches with other men. She said that she is 99% sure that she is going to file for D. We are putting the house up for sale. She is going to spend next weekend with OM in town, then the following weekend in his hometown for his BDay. She got mad at me when I asked her not to sleep with him until she decided it was completely over between us. Obviously, I am leaving out a lot of details, but that is the gist.

So here is where I am at. I feel very betrayed, and am ready to move on, but it appears after reading some people's signatures, that a lot of WSs come to realize their mistakes...even after months. I don't know if she actually will file. Should I wait until things are definite to move on? By move on, I mean act as though she will never be a part of my life again. I want to work on my marriage, but it takes two people...and I don't want to waste my life away waiting for something that will never happen. Also, I don't know if I could take her back after the way things have transpired. It has only been a month for me, but for her it has been a lot longer. Any advise would be appreciated.

BTW, married 3 years, no children.

"married 3 years, no children"

How old are each of you?

It almost doesn't matter how old you are. I met the love of my life at age 48 - after a long marriage.

WAT,

And I mighty fine find you have too WAT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

JL

Lost,

You asked
You should read the articles here. If she files for divorce there is little you can do. If you are married you don't move on, that was your vow to your W, to yourself, to your families, and to your God. Keep your vows.


While you are married work on your marriage. When you don't have a marriage, stop working on it. It really is THAT simple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It is not easy though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />



You are asking a question here that no one can answer. You will KNOW if you should take her back IF the situation presents itself. If it does not, then you don't have to make that decision. Read here, post and ask questions. Work on the issues YOU can define that you brought to the marriage, and LEARN. This marriage may or may not make it, but you need to learn from this experience so that your next relationship will have more chance of success.

Given that she has been running around for 1/3 of a 3 year marriage suggests that she has big issues, no matter what yours might be. You need to address yours, do your best, and you will know when it is time to make the big decisions.

God Bless,

JL

A keeper! You should see her winch an anchor!

Pale Ale?

WAT

Thanks JL.

I know the answer, but I need to convince myself. I just feel like such a loser waiting for my WW to come back to me while she is running around with OM. She keeps telling me to move on, but I think part of that is just to make it easier on her. I have been following LovingAnyway's advise of stop thinking about her and her decisions, and focus on me.

One thing that really hurt me is that I started reading her journals from the first two years of our marriage. After the first year, she talked about how great it is being married and it was the best year of her life. I think the biggest influence on her behavior in the past year is a new group of friends. She goes out partying all the time, and I think she feels like she is missing out on something. She says that we are just too different and need to find someone who better compliments our strengths and weaknessesses.

Personally, I think that she is running from our issues, and if she does move on in her life, she will see that the same issues always arise and the grass is never greener. Those are things that she must realize herself though. She must be willing to confront our issues head on, right now, she thinks it is impossible and someone else will make her happy.

I guess my question now is, how likely do the people here at MB think it is that she will come back? I know it is hard to say, but I see so many people that things seem to work out for. I have my doubts, but I am not willing to give up on what I consider(ed) to be a great marriage.

WAT, me: 29. WW: 28. Dated 6 months before engagement. Two years total before M.

Lost, if you want to work on this marriage, you have to separate your wife from this OM. If she spends the weekend with him and flies out to visit him, I see no chance you will be able to save your marriage. To her, you are giving her permission to do commit the adultery if you let her go on these adulterous outings. Lost, women do not respect a man they can walk all over. Worse, your self-respect will suffer damage it may not ever recover from.

I’m not recommending physical violence. I warn you against it. However, if you have any way of stopping these things, you better get started right now IF you want to save the marriage. If you wait, there will be nothing left to save.

I think you need to read Good_Father’s thread here on MB, in GQ II. His wife and yours are remarkably alike in their lack of respect for their husbands. Read GF’s post and understand the suffering he’s going through because he decided too late he would not put up with his wife’s in-you-face cheating.

I wish you luck, Lost. Whatever you decide to do, there will be folks out here to help you through the hard times.

Lost,

The grass is ALWAYS greener where you water it. Just remember that. IF she puts no effort into the marriage, it will die. You can do little about that.

My question to you is have you read about plan A and plan B? If not get reading. Have you read about love busters and the issue of needs? If not start reading that as well.

You have little control here other than over yourself. Your job is to get the most out of this situation as you can. At best your marriage will be restored. At worst you come out of the marriage a better and stronger man, with much more knowledge about relationships, marriage and how to make them work.

Actually, the worst I just listed is not the worst. The worst is to come out of the marriage and not have learned anything. Then you are condemned to repeat the same mistakes. Someone in your life comes to mind doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are right, her next marriage is not likely to be better, it may last longer but it won't be better. She sounds as if she has a lot of growing to do.

Work on you and make the most of this.

God Bless,

JL

JL, I mentioned the same thing to her. I asked her how she could be fair to our marriage if she avoids me while nurturing a relationship with OM. (you can see exactly I said to her in my thread "Need BRUTALLY honest opinions about a stern letter sent to WW" in GQII). The end result of that letter was that she "felt guilty" and was ready to end it.

I have read about Plan A and B. I have done my best at Plan A...she hated it! She kept saying, "You're not making this easier." I thought that was rather funny. Anyway, since she has moved out, I am trying to completely eliminate communication. She knows how I feel. I have recognized all the issues in our marriage, and I am ready to work on them...but, once again, I can only work on them from my perspective, and only if she participates.

I agree about learning and growing. I have learned A LOT about relationships through this experience. I see how important O&H is. No matter how much you may not want to tell your spouse something, O&H is the only way to work through problems and stop resentments before they grow. If nothing else, I will take the lessons into any relationship in my future.

Longhorn, the problem with WW right now is that she doesn't feel that she is married right now. I have told her that I do not approve of her behavior and I think it violates our vows. Otherwise, I cannot force her to do anything. Anyone worthwhile is aware of the relationship, so it is not a secret. She feels that the marriage is over, but is only "99% sure". I think she is trying to push me over the edge, and I won't let her. I'm just taking care of myself and doing what I have to do to maintain my sanity and improve as a person. I will NOT be the reason this marriage fails.

Why?

Do you have the legal instruments in place to be separated? -i.e., have established financial splits, property rights, debt responsibilities? Cancelled joint credit cards?

If the answer is yes, Plan B may be indicated. THAT'S when you go dark and eliminate communication.

WAT

Lost,

you said
You missed the point. You work on yourself no matter if she is there or not. And please consider what WAT asked you. Until you are really ready for plan B WITH the appropriate letter, keep plan A'ing. It is working she noticed what you are doing and it is making her uncomfortable. Have you exposed the A to parents, friends, people important to her? If not, you need to do that as well.

You have much to do and most of it does not require that she be present or even willing. Your learning and actions are NOT dependent on her. They are dependent on you. Do the best you can with you, and keep the lines of communications open. The light of day tends to erode affairs. Her's has only seen the light of day for a month, and if you have not exposed, it is only dawn...not high noon.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Yes, everything for life after D has been settled. There are only limited "business" types of communication that may arise. I do not plan to initiate though unless absolutely necessary.

I don't want to eliminate her from my life, but I have come to two realizations. One, she is starting to resent talking to me, even if I don't talk about us. Two, I only feel bad after we do talk and start to miss her. Plus, all I think about is what is she doing with OM. I do a lot better in my daily life without communication. Our lives have been separate for so long that 95% of my life is the same. The only main differences? I sleep alone, I don't have to make dinner for her, our weekend lunches/shopping are gone, and I don't have her physical intimacy. All things that I miss, but my life is not REALLY turned upside down. She had already effectively eliminated me from her life without me realizing it.

OK, so write her a Plan B letter - assuming you've completed all exposure.

Do not underestimate the influence of a properly prepared and delivered Plan B letter - on both of you.

WAT

I do understand, I have been continuing to work on myself. I never backed off. She has been completely floored at my reaction towards everything. She keeps saying that she feels guilty, that she knows she's hurting me, that I am a good husband and she can't believe that she is doing this, blah blah blah. She can't see beyond her own nose. She wants to point the finger at "our differences" and not realize that this is marriage. She has all of these new, excited feelings that are clouding her judgement. (Sorry, that was a DJ by me) As we've said, though, she has to make these realizations. I can only try to lure her back with Plan A.

In regards to exposure, family, friends, etc. ALL know about him. She has been more than willing to share that information, because like I said, she feels that our marriage is over. She isn't exactly running under the cover of night.

I think I have to cut off everything because I was an enabler. I would wait on her hand and foot. I was always there for whatever she needed...or whatever I thought she needed. We didn't communicate our desire to share RC with each other. I want to try, she thinks I am incapable. She has also said that she considers me to be her best friend. I have always been the one she could really open up and vent to. I have to eliminate communication. That will be the only way for her to realize what I have provided...and I'm not saying that she will come to that realization.

What exactly should be included in a Plan B letter?

Lost,

If you do a search for SpaceCase or Spacecase and plan B letters you will find examples. There are also examples in some of the introductory portions of Just Found Out. Also just post and ask people for them.

It is basically a love letter, that expressed that you are ceasing communications until affair is over. Once the affair is over, you are willing to consider working on rebuilding the marriage.

It is an important intermediate step. Because it gives the WS a path back IF they want it, and it stops you from losing your love for her as fast. Still it will drain away and after awhile with NC, you will be able to make the decisions you need to make for yourself.

Consider doing this.

God Bless,

JL